Numb

Numb isn't really numb. I don’t know why anyone uses that word to describe emotions. All that made you that way in the first place is still there. You just don’t not feel it. Yes, I know that sentence contains a double negative but I don’t care. Right now I think I am about as close to feeling emotionally numb as could be, but then again all that has made me feel that way up to that point is still there, but I am choosing not to recognize it momentarily.
As is sit and write this, I am having an out of body experience. My fingers are typing on the keyboard what my brain is telling them to type, but I am disconnected from it somehow. I am lost inside my head, drowning in such pain that it is unfathomable to anyone who hasn’t experienced the like.
Everyone has had their feelings hurt. You may cry about it, or get angry and violent. You may stash it away and pretend that it didn’t bother you and go on about your life hiding it inside somewhere until that one day when something triggers the memory and sets you off. Instead of going to the club to meet up with some friends you find yourself alone in your room with a piece of machinery that seems like at that point your only salvation and rescue. So, you gently cock it back and rest it like so against your temple, or maybe your bottom teeth.
Your thoughts are filled with all the reasons why this is the best idea you have ever come up with. You see you are not doing this for yourself, but for those you love. See the emphasis is on the word you because you know that even though you would and plan to take a bullet for those people they wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. They would be so much happier if you were no longer in their lives. They would dance on the wind and find great peace and prosperity if only you were not there to drag them down. You would no longer be an embarrassment, bum or otherwise piece of shit.
No you have to pull that trigger because there is nothing left that you can do for those you love. There are no prayers for that final moment or even hope for redemption. In this instant you know there is a God and you are not worried. Your sacrifice will sustain you even when you are burning in Hell. You are a martyr, and you relish the thought.
Your palms began to sweat, and you swallow convulsively. The stench of metal and gun oil encompasses your senses. How surprised everyone will be. No one had any idea how things were going behind closed doors for you. You are always the group clown, the funny one that makes everyone else laugh and have a good time. You love to be generous and take care of everyone. You sit and listen as this person and that person spill their life stories out to you and you enjoy it.
Your opinion is respected, but your advice is never taken, because it isn't really what they wanted to hear. Like your own life story. You are not the child your parents would have preferred to have. You are not beautiful or graceful. You do not have movie star hair or sea green eyes. You are not the smartest kid in the classroom. Most of all you are not who they would have picked out had they had a choice. You embarrass them in front of other people. Nothing is ever good enough for them. You want to be good enough, you really do. At times you would have done anything, ANYTHING, had that been possible.
Now though, you finally realize, the best thing is to take yourself out of the picture. You love them so much you cannot stand it that they are not happy because of you. So now that final second of indecision has come. Should you really do this? Is this all that matters? Ah, you hit yourself. Of course it is all that matters. Finally, before you can rethink it, you breathe deeply and pull that trigger. When you open your eyes…