Out of the Shadows(Story on hold, ideas welcome)

Out of the Darkness

By: Shadow


Bright eyes stared unblinking at the full moon in the dark night sky. Its dim light casting eeri shadows around the room. Shinning emerald blurred as hot tears stained flushed cheeks.

Strands of jet black hair fell into a young girls lost stare and clung loosely to her wet face. She sat in the window with her legs leaned against the wall.

Her arms were wrapped around her torso in a self soothing gesture as she let the thoughts of him run rampant through her rushing mind….

It was about 2:00am when she heard the silent vibration of her cell phone. She hadnt been expecting any calls, which is why she had the infuriating blackberry device set to vibrate.

She hesitated to look at the screen afraid of who might be calling, there were some people she just didn’t have the energy to deal with after not sleeping for days.

She sighed, 'I wish I could have slept… sometimes I hate being so bi-polar…' one glance at the glowing white screen of her phone showed a name and number she knew all to well.

A small, sad smile graced her full lips as the hesitated to press the small green button. She sighed again 'I wonder what problem between him and his new girl-of-the-week he’ll want me to help him with this time…. I hate it when he asks me advice about other girls… hes just so blind sometimes…'

She pressed the amathyst colored phone to her ear as she pushed the talk button.

”H- hello?” she aswered nervously.

“Aila?” his voice responded quietly.

“Y-Yeah, its me, what’s up?” I responded, feeling a little more relaxed. His voice is always soothing.

“Hey… this better not be another one of those ‘help-me-fix-the-problems-with-my-ney-girl-of-the-week’ calls… cuz honestly… im not really in the mood to discuss your issues with your girl always wanting you to spend your money on her…

“and you do realise that that’s always going to be a problem with your weekly whores right? All they want is your money and sex… and I know you, you only want them because they’re all gorgeous… its all eye candy and appearance to you…”

“Aww come on now don’t be like that Ai, you know if that were the case, id have you on my arm, you know your most gorgeous girl I know!” he replied jokingly.

“Haha, very funny!” 'ya right… like you could ever really see me like that…'

He failed to catch the pain and anger in her voice. 'Its better that he doesn’t hear it… then he wont ask questions… its better that he doesn’t know…' her eyes became unfocused once again as her thoughts began to shift.

She knew he didn’t love her… not the way she loved him.

She wished she could show him how she really felt but she was too afraid to be rejected, she wouldn’t be able to go on living her miserable life if she was rejected by the only one she had ever loved.

'No…' she though 'no, id rather not know… id rather go on wondering than find out he doesn’t love me the way I love him…'

“Aaaiiilllaaaaaa…… Aaiillaaa……. AILA! HEY AILA!” he called her name over and over to get a response.

“Huh?! Oh… sorry Ash… “ she replied once she realised she had drifted away from the conversation., “what were you saying?” she asked.

“Nevermind… are you ok Ai?” he ask, the concern evident in his voice.

“Uh… ya… ya I’m fine, just a little tired is all…” I lied, he didn’t need to know I was depressing myself about him.

“Are you sure? Your really spacy…. Why don’t you try to get some sleep? I can always call you in a few hours if that would be better…” he said, she could tell he was concerned, he had always been the only one to actually care about whether or not she was taking care of herself.

She had her periods of time when she wouldn’t eat or speak to anyone but him, and she had a very self destructive habbit. She called it an addiction when he asked about it, said it was her drug, her release.

He hated it when she cut herself, she always did it so deep he was afraid that she would kill herself.

“Heh I wish I could. You should know me better than that by now Ash… you know I don’t sleep well… I havent slept in days…” she said, her voice getting quieter and quieter as she spoke.

“Ok, now I KNOW somethings buggin ya… now what is it?!” he almost demanded. She smiled… that’s so like him, always trying to worry about whats wrong with me and ignoring whats wrong with him.

“Don’t worry about it Ash, its no big deal. Now what did you call about?” she asked, trying desprately to change the subject.

“Ai… you know you can tell me anything…” he pleaded 'I wish I could…' “now come on, whats wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, its nothing really, can we PLEASE just change the subject?!” 'please Ash… please… no more questions…'

He sighed, “Its your mom again isnt it!? Sometimes I hate what she does to you…”

“ASH! PLEASE! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! She snaped, she knew she shouldn’t have but she just couldn’t help it. He wanted to scream at her, wanted to tell her that he called to admit he loved her… has always loved her.

He knew she knows he loves her but she thinks its as a friend, she doesn’t know he wants to be with her.

He has been unable to keep any relationship longer than a week because he compares them all to her, no one is good enough, no one is better than her.

“Ok… ok fine, I understand… I wont ask anymore questions… I just wish you would talk to me, you know I love you Ai…”

'not the way I wish you did,'

“and you know ill always be here for you…”

'not the way I want you to be,'

“I’ll always be your shoulder to cry on.”

'No you wont… not always… just until you find someone better.'

Tears were burning her vision again and she swallowed a sob that threatened to tear itself from her throat.
She took in a long ragged breath, she knew he heard it but she knew he wouldn’t ask.

No more questions, he said no more questions.

“I know… what did you call about?” she tried to hide the tears in her voice.

“I just wanted to talk to you….”

'Theres more to it, I know there is… he has to have a reason…'

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

'No… don’t say that Ash, please don’t tell me things like that…'

Her mind was screaming at her and the lump in her throat was making it hard to breath, she couldn’t take it when he said things like that, he didn’t know what they did to her.

Her heart constricted painfully as she thought about him, her mind running his words through it over and over again, burning them into her memory forever.

Yet he would never know just how much his words affected her, he would never know how much his words were killing her, he would never see how much she needed him to see how she felt, how she needed to be loved by him.

“Oh…” was all she could bring herself to reply before a sob tore its way out of her throat before she could stop it. “well we’re talking… “ she said brokenly.

“On no, Aila, don’t cry, please don’t cry, you know I cant stand it when you cry… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring anything up, I didn’t mean to make you cry, please don’t be mad Ai, Im so sorry…. I love you Ai, I don’t mean to hurt you…”

He was upset now, she had upset him because she was upset.

'I’m so stupid! Why did I let him hear me cry! I knew he would get upset, he always blames himself! Damn him… why does he have to have this hold over my heart, why can he make such simple words hurt so much…!'

“No Ash its not you, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you, maybe I should go, I have some reading to do anyways…. Ill talk to you later today ok? Im sorry” she said, trying her best to put a fake smile in her voice.

In reality her heart was breaking piece by piece. Her soul was slowly drifting away. Everytime he says he loves her kills her a little more.

'If only you knew Ash…. If only you knew what your words were doing to me… maybe then you would see just how much I love you… I need you Ash, more than you would ever know… I need you to hold me, I need you to love me… I need you to piece my heart back together…'

“I’m sorry” she whispered.

“Oh… well… ok… I’ll talk to you later then I guess…. I love you Ai,” he said quitely.

She clenched her eyes shut tight, sueezing out her unshed tears and swallowing another violent sob.

“I… I love you too…” she forced herself to say.

'if only you knew just how much I really love you…'

“good-bye Ash” she said.

“Bye” he replied silently.

She waited for the click on his end and stayed with the phone glued to her ear.

She finally brought herself to push the end button once she heard the dial tone sound loudy in her ear.

She covered her mouth with both hands and fell to her knees where she stood, finally releasing the tears she had been fighting to keep held back… a loosing battle she knew, but now she could let go.

Her tears fell unchecked and unrestrained through her fingers and down her face, dripping onto her pants.

She stood suddenly as if in a panic and grabbed the razor blade from between her matresses.
She had to hide it from her mother now, since somehow her mother found out about her little sence of release.

She held the blade to her skin and took a deep breath to steady herself.

'I’m sorry Ash.'

She made the first cut...

'I’m so sorry!'

The second was deeper.

Slowly, she added more and more bloody wounds to her already scared and mutilated flesh.

Blood stained the wooden floor at her feet and she once again dropped to her knees, this time holding her bloodied arm against her chest.

The crimson liquid soaking her white shirt and staining her pale skin.

“I’m so sorry…” she whispered as she fell onto her side on the wooden floor. Her vision blurred rapidly and the last thought that ran through her mind as her body slowly drifted into the unconcious world was…

'Forgive me… my love… I’m sorry I’m not strong enough for you…'

'I love you… my sweet friend, my Ash…'