Female Intuition

Chase sat next to me on the new couch, halfway through his third bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I don’t remember what was on T.V., probably some stupid Disney cartoon since Chase insisted that Saturday mornings were for cartoons and sugar cereal, “Just like when we were kids, Krissy.” I hate when he calls me Krissy.

Curtis appeared from the back of the house, his grey socks doing nothing to muffle his heavy steps on the carpet. He was looking around for his favourite hat and I held it up, having earlier found it under one of mother’s tasteful throw pillows.

“Thanks, Sis,” he said, ruffling my hair. I hate when he ruffles my hair. He grabbed his keys off the counter and I asked where he was going, he said he was going to ‘run some errands.’
“What errands?” I challenged, “You don’t do anything around here.”
“Well maybe it’s time I change that… Krissy.”
“Fucking hell, not you too!”
“You’re too young to swear like that, Kristina Loraine Goldburg.” He imitated our father’s ‘I’m-disappointed-in-you’ stance, and I snorted.
“I’m eighteen, Curtis,” I reminded him, and he struck a dramatic pose. Pfft. Actors.
“The streets aren’t safe anymore,” he proclaimed melodramatically.
“Are you leaving or not? Jeez, just go already!” I buried my nose in an old issue of People, but knew he could see my smirk.
“Fine, I’m gone. Hey, I’ll pick up some of that icecream you like while I’m out, alright?”
“Tch, don’t let mother know. She thinks I’m getting fat.”
“I’ll exercise the most extreme caution.”
“Oh just leave, Curtis!”
“Alright, alright I’ll leave you and your little boyfriend alone,” he teased. He slammed the door and my flung magazine hit the wood in a flutter of papers. I turned on Chase, who was always abnormally quiet around Curtis. Chase was staring out the front window at Curtis’s reversing car.

“Mmm, just fuck me already,” Chase said in the direction of the window. Of course, I knew that Chase had pretty much always had this huge crush on Curtis, but he was completely unwilling to do anything about it.

[flashback]

“Your brother’s not even gay!” he’d explained when I’d suggested setting them up.
“YOU don’t know that.”
“Kris, honestly. You forget I practically live here.” It was true. He had his own house key and computer log-in and cereal bowl. “I’ve seen his girlfriends, and they usually look like supermodels. None of them looked particularly masculine to me.”
“Denise didn’t look like a supermodel.”
“Denise didn’t last very long, did she?”
“True enough. A shame, too… She baked fucking fantastic snickerdoodles.”
“Jeez, maybe it was a good thing he dumped her.” He’d poked my side and said, “Otherwise you’d swell up like a balloon. You’d look like Anna Nicole Smith, pre- TrimSpa.” He was making fun of my bleach-blonde hair.
“It’s bad form to mock the dead,” I’d said, and he scoffed at that. “Look, back to Curtis. I’m just saying, you have more of a chance than you think.”
“Oh, really.” Chase looked unconvinced.
“Well for one thing, you’re fucking gorgeous. I WISH I had your thighs.”
“And I wish I could wear hats without looking like a total douche. But life is tough, and we can’t always get what we want.”
“…‘but if you try some times, you just might find, you get what you need…’” I spoke-sang the lines to the Stones song, and Chase half-growled at me.
“Shut up, you can’t sing.”
“I love you too, Chase. Seriously though. If you weren’t my best friend and gay, I’d totally jump you. You have no idea how cute you are.”
“‘Cute’. Excellent. I’m sure that’s what twenty-something theatre majors are into, is ‘cute’ highschoolers.”
“Well, exactly, he’s a theatre major! The minute he applied to a theatre program, mother started suspecting he was gay. You remember that time Curtis went with his Advanced Drama class to New York? The whole week he was gone, mother was making comments about how all these ‘nice girls’ Curtis brought home were just a front to hide the fact that he’s a closeted homosexual.” There was a full three seconds of silence on Chase’s end.
“Kris. You don’t believe that and neither do I. Are you TRYING to make me embarrass myself?”
“No, I’m just saying… Look, I just want you to be happy.”
“If you want to make me happy, then drop it, alright? Unlike in your Wednesday evening sitcoms, ‘setting up’ never works in real life… and there is no laugh track. And unlike yaoi manga, straight guys don’t fall for gay boys who just happen to be in love with them. It doesn’t happen.”
“Okay, okay. Jeez,” I’d said, raising my hands defensively.
[/flashback]

That had been months ago, and now that Curtis had gone on some dubious errands, I had some juicy gossip to share.

“So, Chase.”
“Oh no, you’re using that voice. What is it?”
“Umm, well. Last night, Curtis came home from this party, right? And I could tell from the footsteps in the hall that there was more than one person, right?”
“Oh, like the time he met that girl, Candice, and brought her back here from a party and she tripped over my bag in the hallway and nearly broke her face?”
“No, not like that, because, see, the person he brought home was a GUY.”
“No way! Dude, how totally wasted was he?”
“That’s the thing. He was sober as a judge.”
“How do you know?”
“Chase, you know as well as I do that when Curtis comes home drunk he 1. takes a taxi and 2. comes in the door singing Twisted Sister songs.”
“Ah yes, the charmingly slurred rendition of ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It.’ Never fails to amuse.”
“Hey, you’re the one who’s in love with the guy.”
“I didn’t say he was perfect. So, okay, he brought home a guy. And then what?”
“And then, I heard his door close, and I could tell they were talking quietly, and dad was asleep but I was up all night doing that stupid history essay, so I heard them.”
“Sounds like a great way to spend a Friday night.”
“Yeah, well, guess who’s here all day and night today. You. And then I have to do the rehearsal for jazz band tomorrow night, so I was booked solid.”
“Well, SOR-ry. Anyway, so they were talking quietly, and?”
“And, then there was this long silence and all these shuffling noises, and then some more quiet talking and then the bed squeaked heavily-”
“Just once?”
“Yes, just once. Would I really have drawn it out this long if I was sure they were having sex?”
“Good point. But there was nobody but you and Curtis when I got here earlier this morning.”
“I know, and that’s the weird part. Usually if he brings girls home, they’ll at least stay until morning, even if they crash on the trundle bed. Something tells me, this guy he brought home sneaked out through the window because he and Curtis had something to hide.”
“Okay, no more Dan Brown for you. You’re starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist.”
“Explain why this guy would leave some time between three and seven A.M. on a Saturday morning, then.”
“My theory is that there was no guy and you dreamed it while dozing in front of your essay.”
“Oh ye of little faith. Explain this then.” I went to Curtis’s room and returned with a brown Billabong polo.
“That’s not your brother’s?” I could see I was making a believer out of Chase.
“Have you ever seen Curtis wear a polo? Also, the tag has the initials T. H. R. on it. Not Exactly Curtis Reuben Goldburg.”
“Hm, that is interesting.” Chase paused, staring out the front window again. “So what you’re suggesting is…”
“…that Curtis is at least bicurious.”
“And he’s never brought a guy home before now because?”
“‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’”
“You’re quoting the Bible again.”
“Weren’t Cain and Abel in the Old Testament?”
“Nope. Genesis.”
“Oh. Damn. So I’m a bad Jew. Well still. I don’t know why he’s never brought a guy home before now, but unless this T.H.R. person fled into the night shirtless, he’s wearing one of my brother’s shirts. And possibly his underwear.”
“His UNDERWEAR?! He left his undies, too?! Holy shit, Kris!”
“I KNOW, right? I didn’t want to touch them though, they looked kinda… crusty.” Chase bolted up and nearly sprinted to Curtis’s room, carefully inspecting the boxer shorts without touching anything in the room. The same initials, T. H. R. were on the tag, so there was no confusion there.

“OH MY GOD, it TOTALLY smells like jizz in here!” Chase shouted from the doorway.
“I wouldn’t know,” I answered, stepping up next to him.
“I think your brother got it on with a guy last night.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying!”
“OH MY GOD. Kris! Oh my god! Kay, so, the next thing is, we have to figure out what this means. Was he on drugs or something? Or is he really…”
“‘Questioning’?”
“I hate that phrase. It’s almost as bad as ‘confused’. Oh, you’re not really gay, you’re just CONFUSED. Eventually you’ll stop getting hard for Zac Efron and start wanting to bone Carmen Electra. EW.”
“I’d do Carmen Electra.”
“I’d go straight for Angelina Jolie, personally.”
“Mm, I’d do her too.”
“You’re awfully lesboid for a straight girl.”
“I think you’re contagious.”
“OH NOEZ, YOU’VE CAUGHT THE GAY!” He wiggled his fingers in my face, but just then we heard Curtis pulling into the driveway, and I hurriedly dropped the polo shirt back where I found it and ran with Chase to my room. We were on my bed with my laptop by the time Curtis came in, but it felt like a close call. He leaned in my doorway and casually tossed me my icecream.

“Score! Half Baked icecream… my kryptonite,” I said, affectionately cradling the one-pint carton.
“Oh how sweet, Kris. A loving moment. And hey, pick up your bowls, guys! Seriously. Not my job.” I shoved past him to put my icecream in the freezer, and pick up the cereal bowls on the way. It took me a while in the kitchen, since I had to hide my sweets, which meant essentially emptying the freezer, stashing the carton between two bags of frozen veggies, and then re-packing everything exactly as it was. When I returned to my room, I could hear the loud music coming from behind Curtis’s closed door, and rolled my eyes. Chase was sitting awkwardly on my bed with his legs folded under him like a geisha at tea ceremony. He was picking at my old quilt and chewing his lip in a contemplative fashion, and looked up at me dazedly when I walked in.

“What’s with you?” I asked, feeling my brows furrow.
“Can’t talk here,” he said quietly, indicating Curtis’s room with a thumb.
“As if he could hear us over The Best of KISS.”
Chase gave me a pleading look and I relented, shouting through Curtis’s door that Chase and I were going to walk down to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for hot chai lattes. As soon as the door closed behind me Chase made a frustrated whining noise in his throat.

“Kris, I think Curtis was coming on to me!”
“Well, isn’t that what you’ve been wanting since, uh, forever?”
“YES, but I don’t know if he was or if I’m just reading his signals wrong because of the boxer incident! It’s totally annoying.” We were crossing the street and he walked backwards in the crosswalk, facing me.
“And what if he WAS coming on to you?” I asked, hands in my hoodie pockets.
“Then… Then he could have been hitting on me this whole time and I just didn’t pick up on it!”
“Um… No offense, but… I haven’t noticed anything.”
“That’s because he only ever talks to me when you leave the room, really.” I must have given him a weird look because he continued quickly, “Like, you know, you leave and he and I are still there, I guess he thinks it would be rude to leave without making some attempt at conversation, so…”
“Well, what did he SAY, exactly?”
“Um, let me think,” We passed the big fountain in front of the shopping center and sat on its little ledge. “So, you went to go stash your icecream, and he asked about school, and I said it was fine, and he asked if I was excited to graduate, I said I was ambivalent, he said that he just couldn’t wait for graduation when he was in high school, and I said, ‘Things to do, people to see?’ and he said, ‘Other way around,’ and gave me that smile that he does…”
“Um, WHAT smile?” Chase tried to imitate it, and I raised my eyebrows.
“Well. If that’s an accurate impersonation then I’d say that was DEFINITELY flirting.” The face he’d made was a sly one, a little smirk and half-lidded eyes, a cock of the head and quirk of the eyebrows. Crazy. I’d never seen such a look on my brother’s face, but Chase wasn’t one to exaggerate such things. Very interesting. “Does that sort of thing happen often when I leave the room?”
Chase tipped his head back in thought. “I guess so,” he said, after a few moments.
“Examples please?”
“Like, last Monday, when you were straightening your hair before we went to the movies, he came into the kitchen to get some orange juice, and he said, ‘You guys are going to a movie?’ and I said that we were, and that we were going to the Coffee Cart to hear the band, and he said, ‘You guys will be getting back kinda late, then, huh?’ and I said, ‘I know, how will I EVER get my beauty sleep?’ and it was obvious I was kidding, and he said, ‘Tch, like you need it,’ and went back to his room.”
“And you didn’t pick up on that?!”
“I figured he was kidding, too!”
“Oh, Chase, my boy. Where is your head?” Chase looked like he had a response and thought better of it, likely it was something like ‘between your brother’s legs’.

We got our chai and went back home, and Curtis met us at the door, on his way out.
“Going to another party, Kurt?”
“No, I’m meeting someone for this thing,” he said. Could he be any more vague? It made me suspicious, but only because I was on high-alert, my gaydar set to maximum strength to analyze my brother. He ruffled my hair as he passed (have I mentioned I hate that?) and nudged Chase’s cheek with a knuckle just before stepping out and closing the door behind him. I gaped at Chase, who was touching his cheek gingerly as if he could still feel my brother’s touch on him.

“Hello, what was that?”
“Um, he does that sometimes. I guess it’s like a mock-punch?”
“Chase. Have you ever seen anyone else do that to someone?” Chase thought back.
“No. Wait, yes! This couple sitting in front of me on the bus. The girl was all leaning against the guy and he had his arm over her shoulders, and he rubbed his knuckles against her face, but he took his time with it, you know? It’s not really the same.”
“Do you really think Curtis would touch you like that guy touched his girlfriend, given the present company?” I indicated myself.
“But Curtis and I aren’t in a relationship, much as I would like to be.”
“Maybe he wants to be in a relationship.”
“…You really think so?”
“Well. It kinda looks that way.”
“I don’t want to make a move unless I’m sure.”
“I can understand that, but, like… if he DOES want you, wouldn’t you hate it if you found out too late that you could have been with him?”
“Well, yeah. Hey, does it weird you out that your best friend might hook up with your older brother?”
“No, not really, I mean… It would make you happy.”
“What if we broke up, and I couldn’t come here anymore because it would mean seeing him?”
“What if the moon fell into the ocean? Look, you’re getting ahead of yourself. How about you just wait and see, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Chase heaved a heavy sigh.

The next night, dad came home, but mother was still in Chicago on business. Just as dad stepped into the house, he pretty much had to turn right around and go back out again because I needed to be in the school auditorium in ten minutes. I bounded into the car with my saxophone case in one hand, and my little one-inch strappy heels in the other. Chase waved goodbye from the window. Dad would take Chase home after dropping me off. I was on the stage putting on my shoes and waiting for the music teacher to arrive when I got a text from Curtis.

“hey tell dad ill take chase home, if ur not already playing. Text back, plz”

Dad was standing and talking to some of the other parents. When I told him that he didn’t need to rush home to pick up Chase, he seemed glad to be able to continue his conversation. Something about sub-prime mortgages. I have no idea what that means. I texted Curtis back, hurrying to send before Miss H got on stage.

“dad said ok. G2g, c u at home” and then I quickly turned off my phone so it wouldn’t ring during practice.

Then it was time for a few hours on the alto saxophone.

I turned my phone on during the car ride home, to find a frantic text from Chase waiting for me.

“OMG KRIS, CALL ME WHEN U GET THIS, 4 SRS! MAKE SURE NO1 LISTENS, K?”

When dad pulled into the driveway, I went straight back to the back yard and climbed up into this old treehouse dad had built for Curtis and me when we were little. It was one of the few places on the property where I got cellphone reception, and couldn’t be heard. I closed the trap door under me and sat on the little stool in the corner, dialing Chase’s number from memory. He picked up almost immediately. Must have been pretty much sitting on the phone.

“Kris?!” His voice had that nervous, out-of-breath quality and I knew he was probably cracking his knuckles madly, his little nervous habit.
“Yeah, it’s me. What happened?” I was trying to sound calm. I mean, he was freaking out, and I thought maybe if I was calm, he might remember to breathe.
“OHMYGODKRISICAN’TEVENBELIEVEWHATHAPPENEDOHMYGOD!” Okay, maybe he wouldn’t.
“Chase, CHASE! Fuck, slow down.” I heard him take a deep breath.
“Kris, you know how Curtis said he’d drive me home?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I’m buckled in, and he backs out of the driveway, and then as soon as we’re on the road he turns off the radio and he’s like, ‘SO,’ like he’s accusing me of something, and so I didn’t say anything and he was like, ‘You know, I saw your silhouette in my window when I was coming home yesterday,’ and I swear to god my heart jumped right up into my throat and so I swallowed and waited for him to continue because I couldn’t tell from his tone if he was pissed or anything, and we came to a stoplight, right? So he looks right at me and he’s like, ‘I think you saw the clothes Theo left.’ And he looked like he expected an answer, so I nodded, and I dunno part of me wanted to lie and say I hadn’t but I felt like he already knew anyway, so I just sorta told the truth, y’know? So he looks back out the front windshield and he’s kinda half-smiling, and he’s like, ‘It was the first time I brought him home, instead of going over to his place. Heh, knew something would happen. Murphy’s Law and all that.’ And then he looked back at me and he did that one smile again, like, the one I told you about, and he leaned over and squeezed my thigh and pretty much whispered in my ear, ‘Theo looks almost exactly like you, except he doesn’t have your sexy little ass.’ OHMYGOD I must have blushed like a fucking radish!” My mouth was hanging open.

“Chase, OHMYGOD! Then what?”
“Um, the light changed and um… I was just sitting silently, trying not to get totally, you know, excited about the images his comment put in my head, and I was already getting kinda…”
“Hard?” I decided to be blunt.
“Um, yeah. So I must have been sitting weirdly because he looked over at me and like, laughed through his nose and I was just TOTALLY mortified, and he just kind reached over and started, um, touching me, like, through my pants, and he just went back to driving, not even looking at me while he was rubbing me, and I was, like, gripping the seat and trying not to make any embarrassing noises but OHMYGOD, Kris, OHMYGOD. And when I finally, you know, uh, climaxed-” Chase cleared his throat with embarrassment. “…I guess I must have made some kind of noise because he said it was sexy, but what was I supposed to say to that, really? So I was just like, ‘Um, thanks?’ and he said…” Chase swallowed and I could tell he was trying to just gut it up and talk, even if it was embarrassing him, “He said, ‘For what, the compliment or the hand job?’ and he looked at me out of the corner of his eye, like, smirking, and I dunno, it felt like he was somehow… punishing me for catching on to his deal with Theo… but that doesn’t make any sense…”

“You’re right, it doesn’t. A hand job doesn’t sound like an effective punishment, really.”
“God, Kris, I wish I could laugh, but I’m so… like… god, I can’t even think I’m so rattled!”
“I can understand that. Okay, so, then what?”

“I guess I said, ‘Both,’ and tried to laugh it off, like, so it could stop being all awkward and tense and all that, but when I tried to smile at him, I just got the full force of the look he was giving me and I seriously thought I was just going to melt, my body got so hot. Like, I was just going to spontaneously combust right there in the passenger seat of his Ford Bronco. Seriously. So I just looked out the window and he said, ‘Alright, Chase, level with me.’ And he pulled over and parked in front of that really ugly pink house on Graham, you know?”

“Uh-huh, and?” I could see he was stalling.

“And um, I just kinda waited for him to finish his thought, so he said, ‘What’s your take on all of this?’ and I guess I could have pretended like I didn’t know what he meant, but he probably would have thought I was dumb or immature or both, so I sighed and was like, ‘I don’t know, I guess it’s just a lot to take in at once. I never thought you were, um…’ and he said, ‘Into guys?’ and I said, ‘Right,’ and he said, ‘Did you want me to be?’ and his voice was all low and so I looked over at him and realized he was like, RIGHT next to me, leaning over, in my face, and I jumped, and he laughed quietly, and I probably blushed or something dumb but he leaned over and kissed me! Kris, he fucking kissed me! And… and I mean he really kissed me, not just a little peck or something, but really… oh god.” He paused like he was lost in his memories for a second, but then before I could prompt him again he continued hurriedly, “So then when he pulled away I just kinda blinked at him stupidly and he kept looking at my face like he was looking for something or trying to figure something out, but then he leaned back in his seat and ran his fingers through his hair, sighing, and I wondered if I did something wrong, and he was like, ‘Sorry, I keep on touching you and stuff without your OK, and… I dunno, it was different before you turned 18 because you were definitely off-limits then, and you’re still my kid sister’s friend, and that should discourage me but… I dunno, I keep… looking at you, and so I found Theo and started hooking up with him because he looked like you, but he’s never serious about anything and I really can’t stand his personality, most of the time. I dunno, the whole situation is totally fucked.’ I wasn’t sure what to say and he looked at me tiredly, and I reached over and patted his knee, trying to be comforting, and I said, ‘I don’t mind if you look at me. I want you to.’ And I could see a smile, like, fighting to get out on his face, so I smiled as best I could at him, and I said, ‘I want you to do more than look, actually…’ and he was like, ‘I think I already have,’ and I shrugged and said, ‘Is there a limit on how much ‘more than looking’ I can get?’ and he, um, kissed me again, but just quickly this time, but he was smiling, so I was glad about that, and he said that we’d have to pick this up later because it was getting late and my parents would wonder where I was, so he started the car and drove me home, but he made me promise that we’d talk later and figure the whole thing out, so… yeah. Anyway, I got home and texted you, and here we are.” There was a pause, and he was probably fidgeting under the silence.

“Wow,” I said, blown away.
“I know,” he said, and I could tell he was conflicted about whether to feel totally elated or what.
“Well, now you know he WAS flirting with you all this time. And jeez, I mean… you’ve liked him forever, so… why aren’t you celebrating?”
“It’s just… weird. I guess we’ll work it out. Um. So, what are you going to do when he decides we’re going to have this ‘talk’ to figure everything out and stuff?”
“I’ll listen through the door?”
“Kris!”
“Kidding, jeez. I dunno, I’ll go take a walk.”
“You? Walk? Like, exercise? Never.”
“’Kay FINE, I’ll go get some coffee or something.”
“That sounds more believable.”
“Just say the word.”
“Yeah yeah, you’ll know.”
“Mm’kay, I should go, but… don’t let this eat you up, alright? Try not to be up all night worrying.”
“I’ll try. See you in school.”
“Right-o. Ciao.”
“Night.” He hung up and I stood and stretched before going back down the ladder that led up to the tree house. Curtis was waiting for me in the yard.

“So, that was probably Chase, right?”
“There’s no getting past you,” I said with a little grin. I’d guessed he’d figure the whole thing out, I mean… who else would I talk to for that long in the tree house? So, he probably knew what we were talking about.

“How much did he tell you?”
“The whole thing, I think.” Chase doesn’t keep things for me, usually, and when he does, he only lasts a few days before breaking down and telling me anyway.
“Mm.” Curtis looked up at the sky for a moment before looking back at me. “And how do YOU feel about it?”
“I want him to be happy, and I mean… you might have noticed that he likes you. Um. A lot.”
Curtis raised his eyebrows at me. Oh please, don’t tell me he didn’t know. I mean, Chase didn’t know about Curtis liking him… in fact, neither did I. Shit, we’re all such dumbasses.
“What, really? I mean…’kay, since when?” He seriously didn’t know.
“You seriously didn’t know?”
“He’s always so quiet around me, even though he talks a mile a minute when he’s with you. I though he was freakin’ SCARED of me, or something…”
“Well, he was, in a way. He was afraid you’d figure him out. I mean, he didn’t think you swung that way. Hell, neither did I.”
“It’s not really something that comes up in conversation. ‘Hey, I’m going to go pick up a quart of milk and by the way I like men,’ doesn’t really work.” I laughed. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away, like he was uncomfortable. I guess he was, since this was officially his coming-out to me.

“So, what are you going to do now?”
“About Chase?”
“No, about world poverty,” I rolled my eyes. “Of course about Chase!”
“You’re not going to tell me to take it slow and not hurt him, are you, because that would be SO television.”
“No, I’m not. You two will work out a speed that suits you both,” I said, thinking that if it had anything to do with the amount of sexual tension they’d built up, they’d be boinking like bunnies by next Sunday. “And I don’t think you’d hurt him on purpose. You’re a good guy, Curtis.”
“Glad you think so.”
“What are you going to do about this Theo guy?”
“We were never really serious, it was more of a ‘get your rocks off’ kind of deal.” I nodded in understanding.
“Well, I wish you both luck, anyhow. You and Chase.”
“You’re hoping we get lucky?” he flashed me a grin and I shoved him.
“Quit twisting my words, you asshole!” I couldn’t hide my smirk, though.
“Couldn’t help myself,” he said, smiling, but then he sobered up and gave me a serious look. “Do you think it’s okay? Do you think it’ll work out?” I shrugged and looked up at the night sky for a little bit.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Eh. Female intuition?” I smiled and we headed inside, and in my head I said a little benediction for the two of them, hoping I was right, but knowing that, right or wrong, I was sure to hear all about it.