A Carton of Cigarettes and a Bag of Double Bubble

A Carton of Cigarettes and a Bag of Double Bubble Later
by
Godfrey Michaels (aka H.C.)

For whoever paid money for this goddamned thing....


1

So you think you wanna fuck with me? Well, back the hell up and get in the goddam line. It seems like this whole motherfuckin’ planet wants to fuck with me. I tell you what, you don’t look like a bastard, and I got a little time to kill right now. Let me fuckin’ tell you a goddam story and then lets see if you wanna fuck around with me. It started a coupla fuckin’ years ago, just before I got into this fuckin’ place.......


The son of a bitch cop just wouldn’t let the hell up. The motherfucker drug me through the doors of central booking in the downtown Manhattan Police Department, like he just busted fuckin’ Al Capone or something. He was another piece of shit pig-cop who thought he was a goddamned crusader sent from God to rid New York of scum like me, his delusion, my fuckin’ reality. I knew I would probably have to spend a night in the goddamn slammer, because after all this was my second offense. Thank Jesus for the three strikes policy, right?
The bastard unceremoniously dumped me into an empty chair at the end of a fuckin’ crowded hall, and told me if I so much as breathed too fast he would personally beat the living hell outta me. Well, fuck him, man. The late-night-early-morning line-up in the booking hall wasn’t a damned pretty sight, especially if your part of it, but what the hell you can’t have everything right?
I swear to Jesus it was the fuckin’ joke of the century, me even fuckin’ being there, you know? I mean I was just out walking down the fuckin’ sidewalk when I see this fuckin’ guy, looked like a goddam pimp me, anyway he was slapping this girl around like she was fuckin’ ragdoll. So I walk right the hell up to him and turn the goddamn bastard around and fuckin’ layed one upside his goddamned head.
I think I was beating the bastard over the fuckin’ head with a fuckin’ garbage can, you know, the metal kind, shitty lid flew off and cut my forhead. I musta looked like a goddam nutcase beating this bleeding sonvabitch over the head, when I look up to see the girl had run and got a fuckin’ cop. The stupid bastard come running up to me, pulled my fuckin’ arm the hell off turning me around and started beating me with his nightstick. I looked like a goddamned punching bag by the time the bastard got done with me.
Then the girl didn’t want the pimp to press charges because they thought it would just fuckin’ cause them more trouble, so I got thrown in the fuckin’ backseat of this cop car and had to listen to this goddam hour-long lecture about how I was part of the problem in this city and how I was part of the low-life scum and had to be punished for my sins. That killed me because he talked like he was a fuckin’ Christian, but the bastard said “Goddammit” about forty time a second. Anyway thats how I got there in the first place. Me and my fuckin’ chivalry, right man?
Well, I was happy as hell to just sit there with the rest of the “low-life scum” as our dear motherfucker called them, but I didn’t like the possibility of being put in the same cell as Hairy the mad dog fuckin’ rapist sitting down the hall giving me the fuckin’ once over. Things like that made me start making some goddamned major noise for my free phone call, of course I was ignored and told to shut the fuck up by the head prick of the whole goddam police department.
Well, I sat there. And I sat there. And about four goddamned hours later the crusader showed up, come swaggerin’ down the fuckin’ hall with a mean look on his face. “Get your ass up.” he growled. Nice guy. Really.
“Well, just when I was starting to get fuckin’ comfortable too.” I said as he grabbed me by the fuckin’ arm. I guess I wasn’t fuckin’ standin’ up fast enough for him. So anyway he led me down about thirty motherfuckin’ hallways that all looked the same, until we came to an open area with a lot of fuckin’ desks, where he once more dumped me into a goddamned chair. The man sitting behind the desk I was at looked about a hundred motherfuckin’ years old, with a handlebar mustache and a goddam cane sitting beside his desk. Now that was funny to me, and I started laughing my ass of. Bad fuckin’ move.
I swear to Jesus I have the worst fuckin’ problem with shit like that because something hits me as funny and I fall off the goddamn chair, you know rolling in the fuckin’ floors while everybody else is sitting there. I swear to Jesus I do that shit even in church or fuckin’ funerals, I can’t fuckin’ help myself, you know man.
“You think this is funny, chicken-shit?” Mr. Millenium growled in his best Dirty Harry impression.
“You betcha, old man, and yes I do feel lucky.” Well Mr. Callahan didn’t think this was too motherfuckin’ amusing.
But, to make a long story short they threw me in the fuckin’ clink for the night, my phone call was wasted on a guy I kinda knew from school. I never had any friends in New York, but at least this guy didn’t fuckin’ hate my guts. I figured he come spring me if I promised to make it worth his while, after all I had plenty of money. I think he had been smoking too much of something, because he kept askin’ if I was at the goddam ocean. So there I was sittin’ in this jail cell, the only other person in the cell was laying in the fuckin’ bunk and hadn’t stirred since I was thrown in this goddamned shithole. I didn’t bother him because he looked kind of big, and I didn’t really want to end up his “special fuckin’ friend” for the night. God, New York was a great city, but it had way to many fuckin’ perverts and nuts. Said the teenager that wears only jeans and has a hat only a sixty year old fuckin’ man would wear.
Actually I don’t think of gay people as perverts, its just I don’t really get into it much, you know man? I was afraid I actually was gay there for a while, and even read a coupla fuckin’ erotic stories about gays, but I kinda figured out I wasn’t, I don’t know most people think I’m a fuckin’ pervert or queer or some fuckin’ thing. It’s just the main fuckin’ thing most guys think about is these greasy fuckers eyeing one another fuckin’ drooling all over themselves, well thats fuckin’ shit, but the hell with that. I consider myself bisexual actually, but what the fuck, who fuckin’ cares what I am anyway. What really got me into this gay shit was I found a form of art, kinda like regular anime or japanese animation, but it was called yaoi. It was gay Japanese animation. I could draw some of it, but I liked regular anime better. I’d choose a girl over a guy any fuckin’ day, but I feel so goddam guilty, man.
It was fuckin’ weird because most japanese anime characters look feminine any fuckin’ way so it wasn’t really that big a difference. What killed me though, was I read this fuckin’ story about two vampires that were gay and had known one another for like two hundred fuckin’ years, but one was Catholic and the other was a fuckin’ satanist or something. Anyway the one that was a satanist wouldn’t fuckin’ change and all he really wanted was to fuckin’ die while the other made love to him. At the end the Catholic one realised the other wouldn’t fuckin’ change so he actually did kill him while they were making love.
I swear to Jesus it fuckin’ killed me to read that story because it said that Arija, he was the satanist, was dead before Gabriel, the catholic, realized it. I wanted to fuckin’ commit suicide after I read that, and then he stood back and told Arija that he had been sent to end his evil ways and always thought he could until that fuckin’ night when he told him he would never change. Then he fuckin’ buried him in a graveyard and whispered “Sleep well, love”. Jesus H. fuckin’ Christ, I felt so damned bad I never had anything else to do with gay shit. Shit like that fuckin’ kills me, you know. All that shit fucks me up because I get so goddam attached to the characters. Really fucks me up when that shit happens, but for all purposes of this fuckin’ instance I was fuckin’ straight. Goddamnit, I need to keep some of this shit to myself, but what the hell, you can’t have everything, right man?
I got up and walked over to the fuckin’ sink, you know, the fuckin’ kind all cells have. Jesus H. fuckin’ Christ, I think all prisons have the same shit, same sink, same mirror, and same piece of fuckin’ shit toilet. Anyway I ran the water, but real fuckin’ quiet so the other fucker wouldn’t wake up. I washed my face, but I pulled my hair back. See I have this really fuckin’ long black hair, I kinda like it because when I pull my hat down over my eyes, you can’t even fuckin’ hardly see my face.
I’m kinda ashamed of it, because I look almost like a fuckin’ girl in the face. Really goddamned embaressing because people say I look more pretty than handsome. Fucks me the hell and gone up sometimes. Anyway, I fuckin’ used to keep it up in a ponytail, but after all that shit that happened I just let it fuckin’ hang you know? I kinda realised later that I wasn’t fuckin’ ugly or a faggot just looked kinda different, which was a big goddamned help. I used to think I was fuckin’ hideous back then. I took a good long look in the mirror. I swear to Jesus I looked just like a fuckin’ demon. Or angel, or some fuckin’ thing, I didn’t know. Still haven’t figured it out.
Well, anyway I settled down on the fuckin’ floor and lit a cigarette ready to spend the rest of the goddamned night waiting for morning, when the guy in the bunk starts stirring the hell around. Now, I know what your thinking, but I reached for a goddamned chair, because the last thing I wanted was to loose my virginity to my fuckin’ cell mate for the night. Cowardly? Yes. Smart? Fuckin’ brilliant! The pervert looked at me licking his goddamned lips, but then he saw the fuckin’ chair and decided against becoming fuckin’ aquainted.
Well, I spent the remainder of the fuckin’ night and God only fuckin’ knows how long the next day fending off my new buddy, until the guard let me out the next fuckin’ night, but fuck that, it’s not important, so I’ll skip ahead to when I got out. As I walked outta the police station the sun had just sunk behind the motherfuckin’ buildings, I swear to Jesus, New York is like a damn jungle after the sun sets, and I know, I read every fuckin’ book in the damned library about the jungle as a kid. There’s four fuckin’ things we had better get straight before you even get my name: “The Catcher in the Rye” and “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” are the greatest goddam books ever written. Number fuckin’ two is that I am a fuckin’ psycho about chivalry. In other words if I see somebody doing something to a girl or anybody else I don’t like, I will do my best to fucking kill the son of a bitch. And number three, Double Bubble is my favorite gum. And the big fuckin’ number four is that I am a goddamned madman motherfucker. If you know these four things you can fuckin’ read me like a book, man. That being said let me continue.
My name is Godfrey Michaels (personally I don’t know what my parents were thinking when they chose this name, however the nickname, God, is kind of cool.) I prefer to be called H.C. and if you don’t know why then go back six sentences and READ THE GODDAMNED BOOK, MAN! Anyway I was seventeen fuckin’ years old, and the craziest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen. You might not believe this, but I’m a fuckin’ psycho, man. Believe me.
So anyway it was just getting dark when I walked outta the police station and I wasn’t much feeling like going back to my parents’ fuckin’ house since they were gone for the whole goddamned week to see my aunt Kathy, who demands they come see her once a fuckin’ month. Why? I don’t know, but she fuckin’ does anyway. I hated going to see my aunt Kathy as a kid, because she would always tell us every pain she had felt since we had last seen her. Prattling on about how her goddamned finger ached from holding her cigarette, and how the doctor swore she had a month at the most. I swear to Jesus, this has been one long fuckin’ month.
But enough about that, I was thinking about taking the subway uptown to get a drink, but decided against it. Fuck the law against selling minors drinks man, Fuck it! So I decide to go to the park. I told you I was a goddamned psycho, I call Central Park, the park, like a fucking kiddy playground. Let me tell you something about Central Park, no matter what they tell you, its nothing to fuckin’ write home about, in fact at night it’s damn right on depressing and deserted except for the occassional friendly mugger.
Well, it took me like a fuckin’ hour to get to the park, so when I was finally there it was about nine and dark as motherfuckin’ hell. I didn’t have one motherfuckin’ clue in hell where the hell I was goin’, so I just kinda wandered around the goddam park in the trees. I never walk on the path like a sane man, no I stalk through the trees like a mad-man motherfucker. I don’t guess I ever have been ever fuckin’ sane. I used to love the public school councellors, they would always have a fuckin’ hayday with me. I would tell them about how when I saw a pretty girl in a dress it made me so goddamned excited that I went straight the hell and picked a goddam fight with the whole motherfuckin’ basketball team . OK not really, but I feel something like that. I guess my problem with girls is that I almost fucking worship them. And trust me, its got me in a lot of fuckin’ trouble.
I remember sometime during a basketball game, I went out back for a fuckin’ smoke when I see this dude and girl in a car. The fuckin’ car was doin’ everything but screamin’, “Hey Everybody! We’re fuckin’ making out!”, and I was about to beat it the hell outta there when I hear this girl screamin’ her goddamned head off. Well, that pissed me way the hell and gone off, so I march up to the fuckin’ car and pull the poor motherfucker off the girl and start wailing the living shit outta him. The poor son of a bitch is bleedin’ like a gutted horse when the girl tells me he is her boyfriend, and that she happened to be a virgin. I’ll leave why she was screamin’ well enough the hell alone, but then she started tellin’ me about how this was supposed to be the greatest night of her goddamned life and how I had fuckin’ ruined it.
Well, by then the whole goddamned school had come out to see what the hell all the screamin’ was about, so I apologized the best I could to the guy, and the girl was cussin’ me out the whole time. I went home so fuckin’ bewildered that night. I guess girls aren’t perfect either, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to take one of them. Thats what the hell I get for bein’ such a goddam chivalrous motherfucker.
My biggest problem is that I always make a fool of myself right in front of them. I remember there was this one girl in the nineth grade I fuckin’ adored, but everytime I came around to talking to her I sounded like the fuckin’ psycho I am. Wouldn’t have mattered much, though, I never have been much to look at. I guess I fuckin’ need a girl that’s as big a fuckin’ psycho madman as me. So, I just do the best I can and like I said I am a chivalrous motherfucker. I don’t even think I spelled this right, but I don’t care. This isn’t about spelling or any of that shit, or for any fuckin’ reason I can figure out- this is about a week in the summer of ’98 in New York Fuckin’ City.
Central Park is kinda lonely at night even when you’re with somebody, but when your alone its just that much worse. None of the “respectibles” would even think about dirtying their precious goddam penny loafers in Central Park at night. No their too busy at their fuckin’ cocktail parties, throwing bullshit at one another to be traipsing through here. The only people you see in the park then is the fuckin’ addicts, the fuckin’ hookers, the fuckin’ gangs, and the fuckin’ like. And then you throw me right in the middle of the equation, 6’2 fuckin’ pale wild-eyed looking teenager with jeans, a white T-shirt, a jean motherfuckin’ vest, and a fucking old-man Nike cabby hat. I stuck out like a motherfucker. Maybe thats why I don’t walk down the walkways, but in the goddamned woods.
Well, I see a couple of figures sitting on the motherfuckin’ benches here and there, but other than that it’s pretty damn quiet. I kinda lost myself in thinking about stuff, I do that alot. Start walking around and fuckin’ thinking and before you know it you almost walk out into oncoming traffic with some cop blowing the hell outta his goddam whistle, tellin’ you to get the hell outta the way. Anyway I guess what called me back to myself is when I almost stepped out into that clearing. The park is kinda funny that way, you start walkin’, thinkin’ your a million miles deep in the fuckin’ woods, and you walk out into a goddam parade in a clearing you didn’t even fuckin’ see coming.
I had one foot in the open, when I saw the girl standing there, she didn’t look much older than I was, standing there next to that pool with two other guys. The clearing was well lit in the moonlight and I could see beyond them was a small lake, but what caught my attention most was the the girl didn’t have a goddam shred of clothes on. This kinda bugged me, because partly how young she was, but what bugged me the most was how the two guys were lookin’ at her. I watched them draw closer to her, and saw the look on her face. That look alone made me madder than a bastard. Somethin’ about this whole goddam picture bugged the motherfuckin’ hell outta me.
So, I kinda eased around to one side of the clearing, careful to keep under cover and outta fucking sight. I felt like a fuckin’ elephant walking on lightbulbs, but they didn’t hear a thing. I finally got around to one side of them, and got a better view of exactly what was happening. The girls looked scared as hell, man, she covered herself with her arms as best she could, eyeing her clothes which lay close by on the bank of the small lake.
The two guys looked in their twenties, both well-built, were saying something to her, I couldn’t catch it but the tone pissed me way the hell off. I had a feeling what was going on here, from the water dripping from her hair, she must have been swimming, when these two sons of bitches blundered onto the scene, horny and not caring how they fuckin’ got it as long as they fuckin’ got it, at least that’s what it fuckin’ looked like to me. They started to close in on her, the taller one edged around and picked up her bundle of motherfuckin’ clothes. I thought for one split second he was going to do the right thing, no such fuckin’ luck, he threw the clothes into the goddamned drink and joined his buddy in cornering the girl. I saw something glittering in one of the fuckers hands then it slipped out of sight, probably a fuckin’ knife, and that fuckin’ pissed me off even more. I’ll explain later.
Well by this time I wanted to kill ‘em, both of the motherfuckers dead on the spot, if nothing more than to make that girl smile again. I looked around for something, but all I could find was a lousy goddam branch. It was big enough to be used for a club, so I picked it up and said what the hell. You gotta go sometime. I always kinda fuckin’ figured I’d go down in a fight, wouldn’t have it any other motherfuckin’ way, actually.
When I looked up they had grabbed her and where gettin’ ready to do whatever the hell they wanted to do to her. The way they let her scream pissed me off even more, trying to show her that nobody could hear her they started yellin’ their asses off. About that time I was fed way the hell up with these two motherfuckers. I stepped out into the clearing with my big goddam stick and screamed my head off as loud as I could. This scared the living hell outta all three of them.
I knew better than to wait for them to get up, so I ran forward and nailed the big one right between the goddam eyes with my club. Stupid bastard fell straight back, knocked out colder than a bastard. Shorty was scrambling for his goddam clothes, why I don’t know, he should have been runnin’. I cracked him along the back of the head, giving off a satisfying crunch as he fell face down on his clothes. I saw his clothes, pissing me off even more with a sporty looking sweater in the middle of the goddam summer. I hate motherfuckers like that who try to look so damn cool and suave when they’re really motherfuckers that would do something to that girl behind me. That girl. Jesus H. Christ, she was fuckin’ young.
When I finally snapped outta my psycho fit, I saw she was about to make a break for the woods. I didn’t blame her, I musta looked like a motherfuckin’ demon with my hat pulled down over my goddamned eyes, and a big goddam stick, slightly red with blood dripping everywhere, ponytail had blood on it too, don’t fuckin’ know how but it did. Pretty goddam gory, huh?
“Hey! Wait up, I’m not going to hurt you!” sounding like a fuckin’ moron. I don’t think she believed me at first, she just stood there lookin’ at me, she looked like a fuckin’ deer, man, with those big blue eyes, I was kinda scared she was going to run. What made me even more uncomfortable is that she had forgot to fuckin’ cover herself. Blushin’ like the devil, I threw her Shorty’s clothes and turned around.
For a minute I didn’t hear anything, so I thought she had ran off, but then I heard the rustling of her dressing. When I finally turned around, she had put the shirt and khakis on, but left the sweater where it lay. The shirt was a tight fit, a little too tight for my taste, but what the hell you can’t have everything, right? So for like the next three goddamned hours I stumbled all over myself trying to explain who the hell I was and what the hell I was doing. I must have given her my whole goddam life story trying to explain why I had knocked the two motherfuckers out with a goddamn stick.
So she stood there, taking all this quite well, listening to me sound like the madman motherfucker I am. I finally shutup knowing way the fuck better than to keep ranting. I do that alot when I get nervous. I start talkin and it’s like the little guy in my head takes a break, switches the whole goddam thing into autopilot, and off I go into the wild blue fuckin’ yonder talking my head off.
She looked at me for a minute, I don’t fuckin’ know what she saw, but her eyes softened a little then she smiled. I was fuckin’ feeling alright so I started over to where she was. Then it was like somebody flipped a goddamned light switch. The fuckin’ smile disappeared and she got to looking really fuckin’ uncomfortable all of a sudden.
“Thank you.” she said. That was it. Just thank you. Then she turned around and walked off down a small path I hadn’t seen. I swear to Jesus I felt lousy, whether it was because she thanked me or that she didn’t stay to chat I didn’t know, but I felt so goddam depressed I almost drowned myself in the little pool there. I must have stood there for a goddam hour looking after that small path, holding my stick like a fuckin’ caveman.
I looked down at Slim and Shorty, sneering a little I kicked the fucker closest to me, I don’t fuckin’ remember which, but I bet he fuckin’ felt it when he woke up. Then I sat down on the bank, with my fuckin’ big stick and just looked up at the fuckin’ moon. I swear to Jesus my whole fuckin’ life is like that. It fuckin’ rages and rages and then all at once its like the fuckin’ clouds clear and I can fuckin’ get a little goddamned glimpse into something more, you know man? I get these fuckin’ longings all the fuckin’ time, you know, wishing I were somewhere far away or some shit like that.
Every since I was a little fucker, I was always different, you know? Not just because of my looks, but sometimes when all the other kids would go play fuckin’ kickball or soccer, I would get off by myself and just stare at the sky. I’m like a fuckin’ expert at zoning out, I’ve had my ass handed to me more than once because I did. But I don’t know it’s like I have this idea of a perfect place I would like to go, all these other fuckin’ people don’t seem to get it.
If I thought about it really fuckin’ hard I could almost see it. I don’t fuckin’ know how to put it down on paper, because its more of a feeling than a place. I get these like brief fuckin’ flashes of like a long beach on a cloudy day, then of the same beach on a sunny day. It’s like that place is a fuckin’ contrast or something. If I had to sum it up the best I think its about the kinda feeling you get when the sun is fuckin’ settting, and the sky is red. And all you can fuckin’ do is sit there and fuckin’ look at the horizon. It always fuckin’ hits me in the winter, always man.
Well, I snapped out of it and dropped my stick, then I started down the fuckin’ path she took. No more stalking through the trees tonight, I saw what that got me. I swear at ten o’ clock in the park, I felt horrible. I walked for about an hour, just like a zombie, shambling through the park with dead eyes, mouth hanging open. I know I chewed fifty pieces of Double Bubble gum during that walk. I finally sat down on a park bench around ten-thirty, looking around to see if there was anybody to talk to.
That’s another reason why I’m a psycho. I walk up to people I don’t even know and start yakking my head off like we’re old goddam friends. The whole time this poor motherfucker is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. I think that’s the biggest thing wrong with New York, nobody talks to each other. I see like forty million goddam people everyday, and I never know one of them and I never see any of them again. Now that is depressing to me. I sat there a minute and thought I was going to fuckin’ cry, I do that alot these days, instead I threw my fuckin’ head back and laughed like a motherfucker for thirty goddam minutes. Told you I was a fuckin’ psycho.
It was about eleven when I made my way outta the park, and down to the subway. I figured I might as well try to get a drink. Waiting for the subway is always interesting, because you can see who is about to be on the ride with you. You can pick who you want to motherfuckin’ ride with, and that’s damn fine with me. At eleven at night I figure it would still be pretty crowded, but it looked like I was going to be riding with only a handful of other people. None of them looked like much in the way of conversation, so I found a nice fuckin’ empty car when I got on. The ride would take about half an hour so I settled back in my seat and lit a cigarette from the match I struck on the NO SMOKING sign. It was one of those fuckin’ times when it just felt good to lean back and let the fuckin’ nicotine do the rest, you know man?
I like to sit in a subway at night, its just so fuckin’ peaceful, you know, the swaying of the car. I like to sit while I’m fuckin’ flying if you know what I mean, I asked this guy that drives subways about how fast they go once, he looked at me like I was a fuckin’ nut and walked off. I guess he didn’t know. I remember once I was standing on a subway platform next to this clean-cut fuckin’ nice looking guy, and I was about to strike up a fuckin’ conversation, figured it would at least fuckin’ give me somebody to talk to on the ride. The subway was just coming into view, I fuckin’ turned to say something funny or something to get the fuckin’ ball rolling, when he fuckin’ jumps off the platform right in front of the subway.
I swear to Jesus he just fuckin’ stood in the middle of the tracks waiting for it to fuckin’ come and carry him away. He had the most fuckin’ serene look on his face you could imagine, like a fuckin’ little kid. Then he was gone, fuckin’ torn to shreds by the subway. I just fuckin’ stood there for a minute, people fuckin’ screaming and yelling all around me, and all I could fuckin’ think about is how happy he looked right before it fuckin’ hit. I seen about a hundred people die, I never fuckin’ get used to it, makes me feel so goddam empty I could fuckin’ scream.
I think I almost fell asleep, because the sound of the door slamming between cars is what shook me awake. I looked up, shaking the burned out cigarette from my hand into a fuckin’ garbage holder, and if it wasn’t my old friends Slim and Shorty from the park I was a bastard. I was kinda hoping they wouldn’t fuckin’ recognize me, but my hat gave me away. I was wondering what the hell I was thinking that they wouldn’t recognize me when Slim started talking.
“Hey! I know you, motherfucker! You’re the one that cost us our nookie tonight!” he slurred. I could still see the outline of a branch down the middle of his face. That made me start laughing my ass off again, I have a bad fuckin’ habit of doing that when I shouldn’t, but I already fuckin’ went into that one.
“That is him!” Shorty replied. He had another set of clothes to replace the ones the girl had taken. Minus one sweater I noticed. I had thrown it in the fuckin’ drink before I left the clearing. Well, I stood up ready to fight, even though I knew I was about to get my ass kicked. I decided I might as well make a good show of it.
“Hey guys! I almost didn’t fuckin’ recognize you with your clothes on!” pissing them off even more. I took my last piece of Double Bubble out of my vest and popped it into my mouth. In times like this I fuckin’ found the best thing to do was think about the thing that made me the maddest and hold that fuckin’ thought. I found it quickly enough; the two of them had been planning on doing it earlier that night.
“All right, boys,” I said as I tipped my hat up from my eyes, “ Let’s go motherfuckers!” I charged Slim, but Shorty tackled me from the side. Slim was about to start beating my face in when the fuckin’ subway screeched to an abrupt halt. Lucky for me I was already down, because it pitched the other two onto the floor, giving me the chance to run for it.
I was almost out of the subway when Shorty grabbed my foot making me slam face first onto the dirty floor. I stomped him in the face and he let go. Out of the subway I saw there was no hope of people helping, they had already gone to their goddam cocktail parties leaving the “scum” to work things out among themselves. I looked back and saw Slim and a bloody-nosed Shorty limping out of the car. Well, hell!
I thought of running, but the two looked like they could easily outrun me. Well, it was time to fight. So I took my best fuckin’ fighting stance waiting for the charge. It came soon enough; both of the bastards tackled me at once. I managed to hit Slim square in the face once, then the motherfuckers took me out. Slim grabbed me form behind and fuckin’ held my hands behind my back so I couldn’t move, then Shorty pulled my fuckin’ hat off and kinda gasped or something.
“Goddamnit, he’s a pretty one, right—,” he said the other ones name, but I didn’t fuckin’ catch it. “He’s almost pretty enough to be a pussy himself!” Slim was fuckin’ guffawing behind my back, so I took my chances and tried to peg the fucker, I got another hit in then I was being held while one of the fuckers worked me over, fuckin’ trying to bust my face in. I must not have been too pretty, right man?
Once Shorty’s hand came to close to my mouth and I bit the motherfucker, but I paid for it. The next thing I feels is that sickening sting, you know, you feel it during a fight. I was twisting this way and that, caught Shorty in the crotch, bastard fuckin’ keeled over. Then I felt a big fuckin’ ringing and the next thing I know I’m laying face down on the floor, Slim had fuckin’ busted me back of the fuckin’ head with a pipe. Then I felt ‘em beating me. They left me lying there bleeding on the floor of the goddam subway. Midnight Monday night wasn’t going to goddamned well for me at all.