You & I Both.

You & I both.

I can taste how bitter I’ve become.

-x-

It seems with age everything changes, people become more than what they were and less of what they could have been. Or maybe that’s just me? Maybe. Now where do I begin really, how about the beginning? Or what about when left my innocence behind on the edge of seventeen and became even more bitter with each passing day? It seems strange even to me now; things just seemed to bring on the change from really doing nothing at all.

But no matter it was all for the best I suppose. I would surmise I hurt quite a few people; unintentionally of course.

I became colder and more brash, as well as unforgiving and resentful.

I never thought I would sink so low as to hurt the people I cared for the most but then again, I can’t blame myself solely since they in turn brought on the change within me as well.

Teenage years are said to be the best, but I think that’s just a bull faced lie at least for some, being I can’t speak for most. Things happened gradually of course. Friends began to slip further and further away. Lies grew bolder, and love was lost on anything with blonde hair and slim hips. But I can’t say I regret everything. Even the bad along with the good I can’t regret something that put a smile on my face while doing it. If I said I regretted it would no doubt be a lie.

Each face I met, each face I loved, each face that crushed my heart I will never forget. Simply because I can’t, what I learned from them I will hold on to with every fiber of my being.

I went into things foolishly wearing my heart hidden on my sleeve.

There but not quite shown, guarded always. Truthfully there were a few I let slip through.

Some hurt more then most but you learn to deal and deal I did well. Masking lust for what it wasn’t. Though that isn’t where we are just yet.

I suppose I’m selfish; according to a few others opinion of me. Being I’d want so much from them. Albeit I never expected nor asked for anything in return when I did whatever they asked of me. Tell me, is that selfish or... selfless? More then likely its neither.

I matured more a few months after my eighteenth birthday. After my most recent ex left me.

I started believing everything I used to take as a joke. I wanted to become more then a bed warmer, I wanted to be loved by someone. I wanted to mean everything to one person.

So with constant thinking and debating, I went on a diet, started working more, and isolated myself from my friends and acquaintances. I even went as far as moving in with my father and his family. At that point in time I wanted to cut out any distractions that having relationships of any sort caused. I still kept in touch when I could but it wasn’t often.

Msn became my social life and the only times I went out were on the weekends. Family outings, how precious. Living with your parents and four other siblings, leaves one with little choice in the matter really.

I consumed myself with drowning everything out. Letting music, books and exercise take up my attention in place of my friends. I can say I truly did miss them. But I loved my music and books just a bit more. Obsessive? I think so.

It had been a year and five months since my eighteenth birthday. I was ready to move out on my own. I was going to become completely independent. I was going to make something of myself. I was ready to pick up what I left behind. We as humans make mistakes. Even more so when our inhibition is numbed by substances and alcohol. I hadn’t been with anyone in year and five months. What can I say I have needs too.

I’m Eydis Marrone. Eldest, and only bastard child of my father, Alessandro Marrone and only daughter of porn star Malena Thorn.

-x-