Passione nell'Aula (Passion in the Classroom)

Tuesday, Jan 13

God, I hate my life. Why is this happening to me? I don’t want to
complain but here I am. My life is a fucking mess and no matter how hard I try
to fix things, it only seems get worse. My idiot not-boyfriend, Jake, is being
an ass again—today, he wouldn’t tell me why we can’t meet after school. It’s
like all he wanted to do was have sex last time we met and I said I didn’t feel
like it (he doesn’t know I’m still a virgin) and he finally gave up. But then
he doesn’t call for two weeks. Then, when he actually does call me up and asks
for a second chance and I was nice enough to say yes, he texts me this morning
saying that he’s sorry but “he can’t make it today”. No reason at all.
Bullshit. He’s cheating on me even if we’re not really together. Ok, I admit
I’m losing it a bit but I used to think he was such a nice person. Then, he
goes and pulls this crap. I don’t like being lied to—if anyone gets pissed at
deception, it’s me. Lucky for him he doesn’t go to school with me. Cuz if he
did, I wouldn’t let him hear or feel the end of it. I deserve so much
better—don’t I?
Anyway, enough about the Jaketard. Italian class is insane. It’s
only the start of the new semester and already Pazzano is piling on the
worksheets and audio CD’s. At this point, I actually wish we could go back to
September when the worst we had to worry about was writing telling a story from
an image on the overhead projector after five minutes of preparation. That
seems so easy compared to what we’re doing now. We’ll all get 5’s on the AP
exam, my ass…like, I like Pazzano cuz she’s funny and all but she can’t really
teach. I mean, we haven’t learned at least 62% of the stuff in these packets.
Like the past subjunctive? And we never even really knew about any other
preterit from besides the passato prossimo. So what the hell is this remote
past junk? And when do you use it? Stupid Lucio and his bilingual household
have to go to hell. And Pazz doesn’t even let him help us 95% of the time…but
shit, there’s another issue: Lucio. He’s a junior and Pazz thinks he has the
hots for me. Seriously, he brings me tea in the morning and came over to my
house like once but why should that mean he likes me? Pazz and her
drama-junkyness…no way I’d go to prom with a junior. I mean, they’re great
friends and all but I’ll be going with a senior or older—like Jake, only not him
specifically but someone around his age cuz he’s a freshman in college! Like
I’m taking Calculus at East Valley community college and yet I can’t find any
hot guys there yet. Not that there’s really enough time there to get to know
anyone. Cuz I get horny sometimes but I need to at least know a guy pretty well
before I’ll do stuff with him. Luckily, my friends haven’t pressured me too
much to do stuff like that—relieve stress with sex, that is. Like, all my
friends smoke and so I’ve done that and I guess that’s enough for now. Only
I’ve been trying to quit. I guess I have in a way. Like I only took a puff
last Wednesday (6 days ago), but otherwise I’ve been clean since New Years Eve.
I especially want to quit for my mom. She’s been in the hospital for diabetes
twice this year already and she’s wanted me to stop this addiction so I don’t
end up in the same state only with emphysema or some other crap like that.
But yeah, to make a long story short, Italian is the hardest of my classes right
now. Like, I do all my homework and all but I’m starting to really get freaked
out about the test in May. Like we had to prepare this speech for finals about
what we wanted to do when we finished high school and mine was total crap cuz
I’d spent the whole previous day trying to comfort my mom in the hospital. Then
to make things worse, after class, I started crying my eyes out when Pazz asks
me what went wrong with my essay. And to top it all off, Carla saw the whole
thing. She made a show like she wanted to ask Pazz something but it was really
just to eavesdrop, I’m sure. Carla is this annoying girl who’s also a senior
and somehow got into Italian 3 even though she’s never taken it before and
thinks she should be in 4 with us. It seems like she’s always trying to pick a
fight with either me or Patty, one of the three popular junior girls in Italian
3. And to make things worse, Pazz is always calling me Carla—I mean, come on,
it’s Lia-Carla, HUGE difference. In the names, not to mention the people they
belong to. And as if that weren’t enough, Carla acts like she likes Lucio and
as if I’m trying to steal him. I mean, it’s not my fault if he likes me better
than her…

Friday, Jan 16

Ok, so not to gross out or anything but I nearly barfed today from
the effort of trying not to take a smoke. Seriously, I was over the toilet, but
calmed down at the last second. You’d think I was pregnant or something.
Ha-ha, funny story again. Jake called and asked to meet up at the 7/11 across
from my school where we used to meet to share cigarettes before I “quit”. So I
met him up there and we got into this argument about why I’m too good for him
(his words) and then he actually hit me. It was more of a light punch cuz guys
don’t like to slap but still, he did. All because I had to tell him yet again
that I didn’t want to have sex and risk getting knocked up. It’s not like he
would have to deal with a baby. And apparently his poor ego couldn’t handle
this or something. But then I kicked him in the nuts and felt a bit better.
Oh, those poor freshmen who had to witness that…
So this morning, I was balling again and almost had my little puke
episode. Its stupid how this Jake thing gets to me so much—I mean, he’s such an
idiot. It’s just too much to handle sometimes. Man, I must be so insecure…
Remember how I said that I didn’t want to smoke anymore, especially
not to relieve stress? I don’t want to betray my mom. She’s out of the
hospital and I want to try and keep it that way. But I just found out that I
may be failing history all because I screwed up on one stupid test that we
didn’t even get a good study guide for.

You may notice the change in paragraph mid-entry. This is because
something happened—and it’s still the same day as when I started this entry,
Friday—but I want to tell it all out like it happened, kind of like a story so
to speak. I can’t say why but I just have to—to vent I guess, to help get it
off my chest. Cuz my smoking problem I think just went away. It’s mildly sick how
it did but I think it’s gone at least for a little while. It’s been replaced…

So I came into Italian this morning and no one was in there. It was
during break and sometimes Pazz isn’t in there right away but Carla or Rachel
usually comes in pretty early…
So it’s pretty obvious I’ve been crying—I’ve stopped bothering to
put on any mascara cuz it just ends up running and looking dumb. And I come in
coughing and all so I pop yet another cough drop into my mouth—stupid
bronchitis.

“Hey, you okay?” I turn around. It’s Lucio who’s just come in and set
his stuff down by his chair.
“Oh, yeah, thanks.” I manage blowing my nose for about the fourth
time since break started.
“I’ve noticed—he hesitates, “that you’ve seemed really stressed out
lately.”
“Oh yeah, just stupid college stuff and my boyfriend—well, he’s not
really my boyfriend anymore…”
“Oh—well, here’s your tea. Chamomile, right?”
“Thanks, Lucio,” I say, “You’re great.” He really is. So cute.
Like a loyal little brother, not so different from the one I have—only several
years older.
“Grazie,” he says in his flawless Italian, “Il piacere è
tutto mio.”
Something’s wrong. All at once, I want to hug Lucio and cry at the
same time. I don’t want to start crying again and look like even more of a mess
so I go with the former option.
Obviously, he wasn’t expecting it and I have a fleeting concern
about how this might look to others—how it might seem to Lucio. But then I feel
his arms encircle my waist tentatively and I know that everything will be all
right. I just need to stop pretending, stop denying my feelings. I’ve known
Lucio for nearly three years now and it’s perfectly fine for us to display
affection like this. More appropriate right now than with me and any other guy.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Lucio asks as I pull away. He’s
looking directly at me which I know isn’t easy for him—the awkwardness of
teenage boys. I note how his eyes are a pretty blue beneath his curly lashes.
“Yeah,” I murmur, “I think I am.”
My following actions are completely instinctual. Without thinking,
I grab Lucio by the arm and attack his lips with my own. I know what I’m doing
is really rash—I really don’t want to risk ruining our friendship nor make him a
victim of a vicious high school rumor. And is he even enjoying it? He seems to
be…how clearly, I’m thinking for having just potentially screwed over my
reputation. Anyway, back to Lucio—
His arms go again around my waist and his fingers seem like they’re
trying to feel for something in my shirt. I know he’s a complete virgin—as in
he’s never even kissed anyone--and that just turns me on even more. What a nice
break from arrogant jerks like Jake who are just out to pop another cherry.
But anyway, he’s kissing me back all right, his soft lips just sort
of playing with mine. Surprisingly, he’s the one to insert his tongue first and
I gladly accept. Then, inevitably, he starts to push me back on his desk (I
idly wonder how we seemed to have switched positions during our conversation).
But I don’t care. Nothing seems to matter anymore save for the feel of his warm
tongue brushing against mine. Sure, someone could come in, but not even that
spoils the moment anymore. It just makes it more fun…
We don’t stop, not even when the mug of tea is knocked over onto the
ground and creates a tawny stream of liquid across the tile floor. He’s removed
my jacket and yet his body heat on top of me keeps the chill from reaching my
body. They’re not kidding when they say the guy leads—I mean, he’s definitely
not experienced but evidently his urges take care of the whole process. What
process? How far can this go? Why does it seem like break has already been
going on for an hour?
The flood of questions is immediately ended when he parts my thighs
with his knee. Ok, so I guess maybe Pazz was right—he does like me…
So now I’m totally horizontal and he’s pretty much lying on top of
me and we’re still making out. Slowly, he makes his way over to my neck and as
he starts to suck on the small area beneath my ear, I’m virtually incapable of
having any other thoughts besides “Please don’t stop”.

I must have moaned or something because he whispers in my ear, “Ti
piace quello, carina?” Never before has Italian seemed so sexy…
And there it is: he’s pressed against me. We’re practically
screwing now, only with our clothes on. Wait, not yet. When he starts slowly
thrusting against my pelvis, that’s when it starts to feel slightly
pornographic. His heart is beating against my breast and I’m sure mine matches
its rhythm, if it’s not faster. His hands slip under my shirt but he doesn’t go
for the clasp of my bra which is a relief—it would be a pain trying to hook it
back up during class. He must be still thinking a little…good thing one of us
is. For now, he just gently rubs my breast through my bra and his touch is so
soft, so much more so than Jake’s. That’s when I decide—I’m one for virginal
men.
His hands entangle themselves in my hair as he begins to thrust
faster. Violent shivers of pleasure shoot down my spine as I start to move with
him. The bell rings. Lucio moans softly and then collapses gently on top of
me.
Oh shit, did he come? Is it all over me? No, I’m being stupid,
we’re fully-clothed. And anyway, I’m much too distracted by the sweet pulsing
in my own groin to worry about it much further. Did I just have an orgasm? I
wouldn’t know but it sure felt good…I feel so much more relaxed now. Lucio
smiles shyly down at me and I grin back at him and lick my lips.
Suddenly, Jake and all that sobbing seem so far away. I’m here with
Lucio and he really cares about me—sure, he’s clearly enjoyed playing with me
but I can say the same for myself. Somehow I think it’ll be far more
interesting when he next comes over to my house to work on a project—which I can
only hope is in a few days at the very latest…

Carla comes in followed by Rachel and a few of the boys in Italian
3, causing Lucio to leap off me. Luckily, I’m pretty sure they weren’t looking
over here till he had moved over to Pazzano’s desk.
I take a seat, smiling as the late bell rings. Glancing over at
Lucio who’s just taken his seat beside me, I feel my lips spread into a naughty
grin.

Oh yes, my addiction to smoking has most definitely been replaced—by
Lucio.

*Note*: "Il piacere è tutto mio."="The pleasure is all mine."
"Ti piace quello, carina?"="You like that, honey?"