Loyal?

Today I felt my heart explode
Blood turned to ice in my veins
Nerves causing my
Muscles to contort and spasm uncontrollably

I thought it was my mind at first
Finally a break in reality
From reality

But no.

The pain is too vividly real.

I briefly had a vision of my car diving off the cliff by Riverside State Park.
I went up there today…the view is amazing

Then I remembered I had children.
And couldn’t put them through the pain
of losing me in my attempt
to escape the pain of losing you

I tried to trust and hold on to that
Especially when you talk about
How happy we will be in OK
And that Things are better now

And I can trust you. Again.

You tell me of plans for our hand fasting, while making plans to
Meet a pizza girl in Colville
You tell me you don’t have school one day and have to make it up on Monday

But you never went to class.

There is no school on Monday.


I want to bleed to make this pain go away.
And I can’t
Id give almost anything for the drugs to make it all go away
But I can’t

I want you to hold me and love me and tell me that it was a sick joke.

But its not.

I feel like I’m going to die every time this happens.
And every time it seems like it be easier than hearing you tell me you love me again

I wanted to spend whats left of my life with you, and our family.

Is that so wrong of me to want?
Is it so much to ask for your love and loyalty?

You are loyal to nothing but yourself.