Tell me how much you love me

Tell me how much you love me

'You want me! I know you do! Tell me how much you looooove me!'

Your eyes were glittering. You smiled at me and I blushed. I could never find the right words with you. You just laughed. You always did.

I love your laugh.

In the flickering neon light, I touch your face. You are so beautiful! My fingers are trembling. But they didn’t hesitate before.

You could always read me like an open book. And you used it. I never minded that.

'Hey, funny kid with the glasses, come help me with the grocery bags!'

The first time you talked to me I stared at you in disbelief. Your voice sounded a bit mocking, but your eyes were smiling. Distilled honey. Your sunny gaze filled my soul. But I hastily pulled myself together and took your bags.

I have been your personal slave all our childhood. But… You could see me. When nobody else did bother. And I saw you. And nobody else mattered.

I became your shadow.

You wouldn’t like my room. It’s crummy and dark and except one table with an empty pizza box and an equally empty bottle of beer, the plain chair with my clothes hanging and the TV sitting directly on the floor there is nothing much else. Oh, and my bed. I hope it’s comfortable.

You have always liked pretty things. Clothes, cars, boyfriends. You surrounded yourself with them. It was natural for you. I have never needed much. The only thing I have ever wanted…

Would you mind terribly if I kissed you?

I stop breathing as lean over you. My lips brush yours. So soft. My chest aches. ACHES. This is my first kiss, you know?

'When did you grow so tall?'

You smiled at me and ruffled my hair. I think it’s kinda funny that I’ve always looked up to you and now I’m actually taller. 15 years… I have to confess something: that day when we met at that café – it wasn’t accidental. I couldn't love you enough to let you go. And I’m glad I didn’t.

I didn’t need a key to get into your apartment. The door was open. I pulled him off you and struck him till he fell in a pool of his own blood. That bastard didn’t deserve better. That bastard didn’t deserve you. It wasn’t the first time I saw you naked – I have watched you before. I like to watch you. All the time, if possible. I am a dirty pervert and you’ve always known that about me. But I'm more than that. Something else you knew.

You were so beautiful, pale skin covered in sweat, beautiful muscles tensed under the ropes. I wiped his come off your face. Tenderly. Removed the gag. But for the first time, you didn’t say nothing. But I have always been good at reading your eyes.

When I freed you, you grabbed my hand. Squeezed it really hard and placed it on your chest so I could feel your heartbeat. My mind went blank.

I possessed you for the first and last time. You wanted me. You came so hard as my fingers pressed mercilessly against your neck. I don’t like the ugly bruises you’re left with. I would cover them with some make-up or something, if I had any. I know you’d want to keep your beauty intact.

You have called and asked me to come to you. I had to save you from yourself. I did the right thing.

I brought you here like a thief, hidden by the silent conspiracy of the moonless night. They will find the rented car tomorrow. I don’t care.

Welcome to my apartment! I hope you enjoy your stay!

You were mine before everything. You were mine before the big city life, the drugs, the clubs, the madness. Before he happened. Before the light in your eyes died. I am entitled to every inch of your body. Because nobody loves you like I do.

You seem to be at peace with yourself. You let me get in bed with you. Naked skin against naked skin. Like it was always meant to be. I can’t even feel the smell of gas.

This is how much I love you.