memory

My perceptions of everything is screwed up because of him; I do mean everything.

I can't even masturbate properly.


I can get in to the groove, be almost there, and suddenly I get a flash of some very hot thing he did to me and nothing else feels as good.

Most of the time the same memory plays out in my head. We're in the back seat of my car, the moonlight (it could be a street light, I was in too much pleasure to really notice) casting a soft luminescence on everything it touches, and creating a halo of light around his bowed head. I am laying on his lap, one arm grasping at the neck of his shirt, the other convulsing at my waist, while his hands work my clit like a pro. I am breathing harshly, and when I look up at him through slits in my eyes, I can see his amused grin.

He's my first boyfriend.

I'd never even kissed a guy, let alone have him put his hand down my pants and make me lose control.

For three years since my sexual awakening (about the same time we got a computer with high speed internet) I had experimented with myself, trying to reach that elusive peak of climax, never being able to get myself to that point. I'd read about orgasm, how it was achieved, ways other women had done it; still nothing.

And then suddenly, Zack could bring me as close to that peak as I have ever been, and my hands weren't good enough.

He could have me writhing in two minutes flat, and by myself I barely make a peep when I caress myself.

So now, instead of masturbating, like I was trying to do, I am writing, visualizing his hands and longing so hard my head hurts.

He's ruined me.

I am absolutely ruined.