What Would You Think of Me Now?

A/N: It's been exactly 365 days since I last saw him and I couldn't help thinking about him so I decided to write this to get something out. I don't really care what anyone thinks of it but if he ever happens to read it, he'll know who he is and I mean every word of it. I changed the names to ... because they aren't necessary.

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What would you think of me?

Dear…

It’s been exactly a year since we were last together. Many things have changed but my feelings and memories have not. I remember every moment we were together vividly. The way you smiled, the way you smelled, your favourite shirt… It has been a long time since then, but I still miss you.

That last night when we all played pool, time seemed to stop while we were there. You were leaving the next morning and I knew that, but it didn’t seem to matter at the time. We weren’t thinking about you leaving… we were thinking about how we were all together and having fun. I still smile when I think of when you hit the cue ball off the table and when you tried to squeeze between me and your friend and our “bums kissed”.

All the times before that, as well… You know, I finally watched V for Vendetta! It was good, if you haven’t seen it yet, you should. We tried to watch that movie so many times but it was always sold out or rented out… I still don’t really understand what Underworld 2 was about. You weren’t very good at explaining that one since you fell asleep on me. But that’s okay.

I’m in school now so you can’t laugh at me anymore when I say I like buying school supplies! Jerk… I ran into a teacher that knew you. I don’t remember his name, but he said good things about you.

Time has passed and I have changed. I’m prettier than I was then. I’ve grown up, too. I’m more experienced. You had your doubts about me at first because I was so young… I don’t blame you. I didn’t realize then how much I still had to grow. And I’ve still got a lot more to do. I’m more confident and assertive now. Less indecisive… and finally, I’m happy. You’ve given me all of that. However, since you’ve been gone, I’ve felt the sharp pain of abuse and the pang of regret.

When we spent the night together… You were the one I should have given myself to but I wasn’t ready then. You were so respectful of that. I was amazed and still am. To this day, that says a lot about your character and I truly hope that doesn’t ever change.

It took me four months after you left to be ready to consider another guy. And I have been with other guys since then. I feel bad, though. I hate the idea of being with someone else when I’m not over you, however, I’ve had to accept that I don’t think you’re ever going to be completely gone for me. You said you’d never forget me when you left and the same goes for you. You changed me for the better and for that, I can’t thank you enough. Though, I can say in all honesty, none of the other guys I’ve been with have been more than a shadow in comparison to you.

That night… a year ago… after we played pool, you drove me home. As we pulled up to my house, I was so afraid of saying good-bye to you that I almost couldn’t get out of the car. You hugged me and I didn’t want it to end. You kissed me on the forehead and I couldn’t bear to look at you. You said “Good-bye… forever…” And I told you not to say that. Then you told me you loved me and though, even in that moment, I knew for a fact that I loved you too, I couldn’t say it back to you. You said you’d never forget me and in that moment, I’d have done anything if I’d thought there was a hope in it making you stay.

Then you walked back to your car. I was panicking but there was nothing at all that I could do to change how things were going to happen. I watched you drive away and out of sight and I was crying before I even got into my house. You were gone. Everything that had happened since I met you flashed through my head and I’d have given everything to have it happen again with a happy ending. I cried for two hours and finally managed to calm down enough to curse myself for not kissing you before you left.

I was so young then. I called you in the middle of the night and, of course, you answered and reassured me. Your voice comforted me and you told me you’d visit me again some day if I wanted you to. I told you absolutely and that this couldn’t be good-bye forever. You agreed and instead, we said “Good-bye for now.”

What would you think of me if you were to meet me now? I know I’ve changed a lot. I’m older now… wiser… more experienced. I’ve been with more men than I like to admit. Men I liked… men I didn’t particularly like… men whose names I didn’t even know… I’ve done things you’d be proud of me for and things I am not proud of myself for. I’ve questioned myself many times and changed myself in attempts to be a better person.

I’ve tried to model myself after you. You always knew who you were and what the right thing to do was. I want to be like you in that way. You’ve given me so much… I only hope that I can give something back to you one day.

That song you sent me, “Thinking About You”… I cried the first time I listened to it and it still gets me from time to time. But don’t forget, we’ll see each other again some day.

You were the first person to ever make me feel like I mattered. You showed me amazing things and I won’t ever forget everything you’ve done for me. You were the first person I ever fell in love with and even though you’re gone now, I still love you and I won’t ever forget you.

Good-bye for now
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