Sin...cerity

Why me? You could have just about have any woman your own age and you choose me…idiot.


It’s 5:43 am and I’m gazing into the mirror checking to see if the swelling in my eyes has gone down, to my surprise it has and I look fairly normal; of course I’m still on my punishment, turns out screaming back at your alcoholic dad isn’t the way to go. But what do I care, I’m a nobody…always have been, and that’s the way things will stay. I shower and just barely run a brush through my hair, I dress in nothing special the usual shit and I’m out the door, just in time to miss ‘drunk ole dad’s’ 7:15 wobble to the bathroom. School sucks, but on days like this it upgrades up to the next level ‘What the fuck am I doing here!?!’ I just want to leave, leave everything that crummy flat with the drunken dad who leaves you all alone and the perfect sibling who all the guys and girls ogle and compliment. I’m hated by everyone and I could barely give a fuck, but I’m so damn lonely….
First days have a tendency of annoying the shit out of me, just when I’m hopping up and down happy to not have to see these assholes faces for 3 months I’m unfairly brought back into their presence…I just want to be invisible. I want to slit my wrist in the main lobby and drop dead onto the floor and have everyone stand in silence…
I check my schedule, ugh Math first! Mrs. Bernham is her name and I know automatically this will mark another crappy year. She goes too fast, I’m afraid to say anything so like a train it passes me by and I could really not care less…
It’s now 9th period and the entire day has been shit. I was mocked in the halls, one kid even through a pen at me and I ignored it; someone cursed me out in Chemistry and I was given 15 minutes detention. Lunch time…alone at the middle table drinking my water and eating my pretzels it’s a modest escape. I gaze out of the window, and I lay eyes on you for the very first time just another male teacher to me, nothing standing out. You’re on your way to your car and you’re wearing an indifferent expression, I’m a nosey bastard so I, just without thinking just continue to watch as you rummage through your trunk pulling out a box full of teaching shit and I immediately loose interest and continue my lunch.
Finally, last class of the day and it’s an enrichment one European Lit. 3 and for the first time I smile. Smarter kids tend to leave me alone and stick with their own kind; I’m a stranger to them so I just sit in the back. I take out my things and I look around…no teacher. Five seconds later the door opens and you walk in, my mind flashes back to the parking lot and I slightly smile at the slight coincidence. You get straight down to business and begin passing out dittos, since I’m all the way in the back you give me mine. You walk down the row pretty occupied filing through to pick one to which to hand to me and as you do you finally look up at me. I’m staring down at my notebook and I pop my head up not even noticing you at first, you stare at me and I’m thinking ‘What the fuck did I do now?’ and then you just put the paper down on the desk and walk away…
You can teach, and I’m interested in your teaching style I forget about the ‘ditto incident’ about 15 minutes through class. The last five minutes come and you take attendance you say my name I say “Here.” Raising my hand and you dart your eyes around and then eventually see me and you slightly smile. I noticed it but not enough to really think much about it. The bell rings…school is over, back to lonely flat…
The next day began as the first, but now it’s 4th period and I’m trapped in the bathroom crying my eyes out…people are so damn cruel. I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry, I run over to the sink and rinse my face and fan it to make it turn back to its normal color, I give myself a silly pep talk and then walk back out. I’m in the empty halls on my way to someplace other than the one I came from when I see you, I put my head down because I don’t want to be bothered. To my dismay you greet me, even stopping right in my way smiling ‘WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SMILING?!’ I want to scream. I keep my head down and answer the speil ‘How are you’ and what not and then I get the courage to look up and I see it…sincerity. It hit me so hard and instantaneously that it was like I had avoided it. You were being sincere…but why? We say our ‘See you 9th’s’ and I walk on thinking about that look in your eyes…that ‘true gaze’ that smile…one’s I’ve only seen in romance movies your cheeks flushed…I don’t want to think about it but how can I not…