Everything Burns

It’s ok, it’s ok… it’s fine.

I don’t know how long I told myself that, or how long it’s been but I could feel the ache in my legs from the position I sat in. Knees pressed slightly against my grown chest and my arms wrapped around my legs, everything was going to be ok. It was ok. I stared at it, the one thing in my life I depended on and wanted to get rid of. It’s funny cause the more I say I don’t need it, the more I want it the more I crave it. The more the hunger grows, a dark being telling me to do it. No one would know, it would be our little secret – that it’s ok.

It was sitting there, in all it’s glory and mockery; a single bottle of beer. Water dripping down the sides, cascading into the rug and made it’s stain in my bedroom. It made its mark on me, why not my sanctuary? A small fog erupted from it, notifying it’s cool feel and how nice I would feel to go down my parched mouth and throat. Cool down my overheating body, to help wipe the sweat off and help me strip off the black hoodie I had refused to take off, no matter how hot I was.

It was calling my name, begging me to take hold of it, let it in. Let me in, let me in. I leaned forward then back again into my corner, shaking terribly as I stared down at the object of my affection. I love you, but I hate you; funny? I moved slowly, trembling and shaking as I got on my hands and knees. I slowly crawled towards it, my heart pounding and jolting in my chest with every inch I took to get near it. It was there, almost in my grasp and I could taste the bubbling sensation the drink gave me on my tongue. My mouth was suddenly watery and I sat in front of it, my fingers slowly wrapping around the smooth, cold neck of the bottle.

I picked it up, holding it in my now trembling hands and stared at the clear bottle that was filled with the yellowish-brown liquid that reminded me of piss. I drank something the resembled a thing that gets flushed down a toilet, a dirty substance that needed to be rid of and once it was flushed it was done with. Another trembling hand reached for the cap of the glass bottle, twisting it slightly and popped off, rolling down the carpet and hit a wall before it laid flat on the floor.

My eyes followed it, seeing the corner of something crystal like and I let my eye trail up the wall. The full-length mirror hung off the wall, reflecting whatever was in front of it… it just so happened to me in front of it. I winced at the sight of myself, mascara and eyeliner running down my cheeks to create a curtain of black tears. Lips were red and somewhat bigger then their usual size, my eyes still reflecting memories of an earlier fight.

I looked away, staring at the open bottle I held with two hands. It was ok, because she did it before – if she could do it I can do it too, right? It was ok, because it was only one… just one, one never hurt anyone. A soft chuckle emitted into the room and when I looked at my bed the monster was there, sitting cross-legged and stared at its shiny black nails. It smirked at me, moving a long black curl away from its face and blinked its dark blue eyes.

“Go ahead honey,” it urged on in a smooth voice. “She doesn’t care about you baby, it’s ok. Everything will be ok.”

I stared at it, watching as it uncrossed its legs and stretched out the leather-covered calves. “You just have to trust me…”

I looked at the bottle again, staring at the contents inside and tried to remember… what had this drink done for me? It’s taste and satisfaction was what I need… something to forget, blur out times in space for mere moments. To feel happy and free; but you wouldn’t remember. I couldn’t remember… I couldn’t do this.

I stood up quickly, shaking with a new adreline and looked at the monster on my bed. Its eyes pulsing with a new rage, because it knew I wasn’t giving it. Not today, not ever again. It was never going to have control over me, never again. It wasn’t going to destroy me, I wasn’t going to destroy me.

“Look at me,” I whispered softly. “I’m thinking without your consent…”

“Stop it-”

“Look at you… you’re burning down.”

I turned to the mirror, its face was my face. Its hair was my hair. Its skin, eyes, fingers, toes, legs, arms, hands, feet – all mine. I was in control! Me! My arm lifted the drink, and with a violent thrust it left my fingers and crashed into the full-length mirror.

“What are you crazy?!” It screamed. “Stupid little bitch, I’ll show you!”

I stared at the piss stained mirror, the watery substance crawling down and pooling onto the carpet. Dripping down, making its mark on the wall and carpet. No, I was marking it. I turned to the small table next to me, staring at the vase of flowers and pictures frames and trinkets. My hands grabbed the table by its side; turning it over on its side and made everything flew on table onto the floor. I was panting and shaking, moving without thinking towards the dresser and threw everything off. Cracks and thuds were heard, things hitting the walls, the board of my bed, the floor… Without thinking I grabbed the small vintage stool in my room, slamming it into the mirror of my dresser and watched as the reflecting nightmare came crashing down.

Pieces of all shapes and sizes of the mirror fell all around me, landing down with the chair I threw. I gripped the posters on my wall, ripping them down and off. The papers flying on the floor, the covers from my bed ripped off and thrown to the side. Pillows ripped in half and feathers flew out, spreading throughout my room like a wild fire.

I looked at my destruction, my room looked as though a hurricane ran through it. I didn’t realize it then, but realized now that the destruction here was the destruction happening on the inside of myself. My soul, my mind, my being – I was dieing slowly all because of a fucking drink I just had to have.

I did what I do best next… run.

I ran out of my room, out of my house, and down the street as rain pounded down. I ran as fast as I could, despite the pain on my side, my chest, my feet… It was like a cleansing, was I free finally? Could I be without having to be attached to something? I don’t know where my foot took me, but they took me to a house and I slowed down as I stood in front of it. I walked slowly, barefoot through the mud and rain, knocking on the door and stared at it as I waited for it to open. It did, a light wrapping around my destructed body and face.

“You came back…”

I stared at her, blinking slowly. “When do I not?”

She bit her bottom lip, walking out of the house and closed the door behind her. “Thought you said you never wanted to see me again.”

“I can’t live without only person who has my heart,” I replied. Without thinking I wrapped my arms around her waist, pressing my cheek against her breasts and felt her sigh as she wrapped her arms around me.

“And I can’t live without the person who holds the key.”