Almost a love letter

You came back. When you left us all two years ago to follow your girlfriend to Topeka, heedless of my warning that “Kansas is where happiness goes to die” I honestly thought that would be the last time I heard from you again. Turns out I was right about happiness dying there, I heard about Amanda. I’m just glad that you proved me wrong and came back. There will be time to tell you that I told you so later. For now just your being here is enough. We met through a chain of mutual friends, most of whom aren’t worth mentioning, but Anne and Mitchell were the biggest factors in my becoming close to you, and for that, I thank them.

Spencer is of humble origins, and will frequently remind you that his roots are in white trash, though if you meet him you will be impressed by his charm and social graces. He holds doors, says please and thank you, and never imposes on people without invitation. When I first met him, I was impressed by his intelligence and creativity, and began to try to talk to him. I can’t lie, I was (and still am) very attracted to him. I tried to gain his favor by taking up playing in his role-playing game, Vampire the Masquerade, and sitting down with him to learn how to play. I thought maybe if I showed interest and asked intelligent questions, he would see that I wanted to try and be interested in what he likes. It worked. Many a night I spent at his feet, flipping through books learning how to create and play a character that would be original enough to actually enjoy it.
I am not a fan of changing who I am to please anyone else, and my actions can usually be classified as hedonistic, but I joined the game, even though it was something I had never had any interest in. The only motivator that I had to help me other than my own desire to be accepted by him was my best friend, Anne. She introduced me to card games and even started me on my way with my first video game. I joined the game tentatively, and became more active in it as time went on. The first games I was in didn’t last long (mostly because they were short games… I was usually careful enough not to get my character killed), but our games got better, and I learned more about Spencer, who was always the storyteller in the game- rarely did he bother making a character to play.
By the end of one summer I was already classified as a veteran gamer in the inner circle of friends, and my attitude of wanting to be the best and regarding any failure as a personal weakness brought Spencer and I closer. He seemed closer, at least. I know that I am a forceful flirt, but Spencer rarely seemed receptive. I was very sure that he was attracted to Anne, but I couldn’t give up. I began by dressing in a bit more revealing way, and by offering back massages; a natural talent that I’ve never had a short demand for.
I was one of the few kids my age to have a car, so I always tried to get Spencer to let me take him home, alleging that it was really close, or right in the direction that I was going. This sometimes meant taking other people home, but I always tried to get them out of the car first- leaving me alone with Spencer. We would sit in the parking lot of his complex in my car and talk for hours once we got there, and I learned a lot about him.
Spencer’s creativity is also his prison. He rarely trusts anything he fully understands, and he doesn’t feel that he can fully understand anything that he didn’t create himself. He had trouble trusting people, and his parents and siblings were a rough group. I constantly found myself wondering why he even associated with me. I could never have been considered rich, but I am decidedly advantaged by the hard work of my parents who have provided for me in ways that I couldn’t have asked for. I thought my background would intimidate him, so I frequently tried to understate it. Still, he acted like I did, and we shared views about how other people should be treated. Manners and consideration for others came naturally to both of us.
Spencer and I share a common curse. We are manipulative without meaning to be. Charisma and intelligence are traits we have always shared, though I would never try to compete with him in creativity. The same energy I have always channeled into my ambition, he channeled into his stories and game worlds. We discussed our distrust of people together- it’s hard to tell who really is a friend, and who you’ve persuaded into thinking is a friend. We finally found a name for those we were unsure of. Allies. People who with a word would follow us to the ends of the earth, but if we showed weakness to, would abandon us completely. Neither of us liked to be seen as weak, and rarely showed it, but we would to each other. In the confidence of my car, we shared our troubles and worries that we feared to tell to others. Those thoughts remain locked in that car, in some junkyard somewhere… probably where those old problems belong.
Spencer and I connected on an intellectual level in a way that I never have with anyone else, but my hedonistic ways got the better of me, and I started dating other guys to sate my physical needs, but I always returned to Spencer for conversation. He too dated other people, but we never seemed to be any further apart. I made a point to work as hard as I could, whenever I could, so many times it was just our weekly gaming session that brought us together, but that was enough.
Two years after my introduction to Spencer, I was a senior in high school, and decided to date our mutual friend, Mitchell. I hate to say it, but it was a mistake. He was a virgin, which he had lied about, and I have a notorious sex drive that was considered nearly insatiable, and I think I overwhelmed him. He quickly became more emotionally involved than I was, and I broke off our relationship- something else that was a mistake. In retrospect, had we gone slower, or had I stepped up and actually participated in the relationship emotionally, I may have found a stable, loving person at my side through all of my rough times. But that rarely seems my style.
Because Mitchell usually hosted the games, there was a lot of conflict after we split up, and I started getting pulled out of the group. But Spencer still found time for me- even if I couldn’t be at the games because I didn’t want Mitchell to stop gaming with his friends. I had college to think about and wouldn’t be able to participate as much anyhow. I returned home as much as I could on weekends while I was in school, and usually found Spencer, more than happy to entertain. He lived for awhile in a duplex with another friend, James, and although it was rather barren- Spencer didn’t have the means to fill a bedroom, much less an entire duplex. But he did have a TV and DVD player, which meant that we could always be entertained- even if it was just cuddling on the floor in a blanket while watching movies.
While at the duplex, our friendship touched the fringes of a relationship, but both of us feared it for our own reasons. I was glad that we could at least occasionally take pleasure in each other’s company. That seemed enough. As I continued in college, I met new friends and became part of an even closer circle of friends. One that Spencer didn’t belong to. He was more than welcome, but I started a relationship with one of the guys in the new group and started to drift from the old group. For almost two years I was in this relationship, which recently ended. Badly if I might add.
In those two years, Spencer also got into a serious relationship, and moved to Topeka, Kansas, and didn’t come back until last month. Just as my relationship ended, so did his. We were brought back together by a game of risk and a drive back to his new house that he shares with a couple of friends. I got the grand tour of his new place, and we got to catch up. One of his friends showed up for about an hour, and both Spencer and I felt a bit awkward about his presence, especially when he started taking pictures of me on his phone. But as suddenly as he came in, he left, and Spencer and I were alone again. Watching a Superman movie, sitting on his bed, I wasn’t sure if I was welcome. It had been a very long time, and while it felt like so few things had changed, it had been a very long time, and I was too tired to judge the situation correctly.
He noticed that I was cold (I regularly require a blanket at room temperature) and he offered me to use the blankets on his bed, as he shifted to make it so we could both see while laying down. Then he fell asleep. I wasn’t offended- the only thing keeping me awake was the action of a movie I had never seen before. Also, Spencer had confided to me very long ago that he didn’t like having anyone around him awake while he is asleep, and the last time he fell asleep before I did was years ago when he was living in the duplex. He woke up shortly afterwards to check on me, and I was fading fast. He made sure I was comfortable, put his arm around me, and that’s the last thing I remember until the next morning where a barrage of noises from my cell phone kept waking me up every half hour or so. I finally got up so that I could go answer a phone call and have a cigarette outside, making sure to ‘accidentally’ wake him up so he knew I wasn’t just sneaking away. I was neither ashamed, nor abandoning him, and wanted him to know it.
He joined me on the porch in the bright noon sun, well timed as I had just put my phone away. We talked briefly about responsibility and how both of us had changed, but not in necessarily different ways. We seemed to have opened our minds in the same ways, and grown towards each other, rather than apart, like most people we know. After two years I am very glad I can say that very little has changed- our emotional connection is still there, along with my attraction. Maybe this time things can be different, and maybe not. Maybe we are truly fated to walk past each other, and around each other, but never with each other.

I’ve missed you Spencer, it’s been too long since I’ve had someone around who understands me. Someone, who can comprehend how calling someone “rude” is my biggest and most offensive insult, someone I can be creative with and never be embarrassed, only one thing has changed. I am not half as weak as I used to be- I am stronger, more driven, more ambitious. My charisma has taken me through college, debate, and life with much success. While I still come from an advantaged background, I don’t accept anything I don’t earn, and now I work even harder than I ever have. My future is not so far away, and I’m glad you came back before I finished school. It is reassuring that I am not the only person who wants to be something… the only difference between us is that you are already somebody, and don’t know it, while I know who I am going to be, but haven’t gotten there yet.

I’ve befriended many people, but few quite so precious as you are to me- you have captured a part of my heart and mind. Even if nothing ever becomes of us other than being old friends who grab a drink together or write the occasional email, it is better than never having the second chance for friendship. I won’t call how I feel for you as love…I scare myself with the word I have used so freely for the last two years. I can’t call it lust…that would have expired years ago, or infatuation…because I believe it is a true feeling, more than just an attraction. Words fail me when it comes to describing my feelings, just as they always have- but this is my way to let you know, that at least for me, nothing has changed.