This Little Piggy

This Little Piggy


Scene 1


(The set is a living room. There is a TV and couch, a desk with a laptop, and a door stage left. There are two exits upstage right. Drew sits at the desk, scrolling and clicking hurriedly, pausing and looking at the screen every so often. Drew is slightly nerdy looking, small, and feminine.)

Susan: [enters through the door] Drew? [hangs up her keys, throws a shopping bag on the chair and slumps over to the couch]

Drew: [quickly shuts laptop and steps away from the desk] Hey. How was work? [he begins tidying up the place]

Susan: Same old same old. I did get a hot date for Saturday though.

Drew: Oh?

Susan: Brad from PR. Waaay sexy.

Drew: Sounds…intelligent.

Susan: [glares at Andy] Yeah, well who are you going to the reunion with, hm?

Drew: Dunno yet.

Susan: Well I hope she’s half as hot as me in my new dress. [as if she is struck with a brilliant idea] Wanna see?

Drew: Do I have a choice?

[Susan flies across stage to pick up her bag and leaves through exit A.
Drew heads for the computer, opens it up, and clicks a few times. He walks away and leaves it open. Susan struts onstage in a cocktail dress and stilettos]

Susan: You like?

Drew: [looks Susan up and down. Stops at her shoes, zones out a bit. Susan has a tattoo on her right ankle that swirls down to her toes] Your tattoo looks kinda weird with them, but I like your shoes.

Susan: Are you gay?

Drew: What?! No!

Susan: Then quit staring at my shoes and tell me how my boobs look!

Drew: [with sarcasm, stares at Susan’s breasts] Your boobs look fine Susan.

Susan: [glares and kicks off her shoes. Starts undressing as she makes her way back to her room] Well, I’m gonna take a nap. Don’t be loud.


[Susan exits. Drew stares at the heels near his feet. Checks Susan’s door, looks at the heels again. He bends down and reaches for them, but before he can pick them up, the door flings open and threatens to put a hole in the wall. Enter Amy. She is carrying an empty box. Drew stands stiff next to the chair in shock]

Susan: DAMMIT DREW!

Amy: [looks at the shoes, then at Drew] Still at it Drew?

Drew: What are you doing here Amy? Did you…want to…um, get b-

Amy: Don’t be stupid I only came to get some things I left.

Susan: [storms out into the living room in a robe] What the hell is goin- [pause] Didn’t you two break-up, like, a day ago?

Amy: None of your business

Susan: Yeah its my business! You used my bathroom for a whole month!

Amy: Well I’ve come to remove myself from it, and your roommate’s life. So if you’ll excuse me. [She enters exit A, rummaging is heard]

Susan: Drew, can you puh-lease control the psycho ex? [She motions toward the noise. They both watch Amy from exit A to exit B] Drew!

Drew: She won’t listen to me! You know she won’t. It’ll only make things worse.

Susan: Drew. If you don’t go in there and calm-

Amy: [Box full, she heads for the door. In a sing-song manner] Thank you and good bye! [she pauses just before the door and looks over her shoulder at Susan] Nice shoes by the way. I bet they look great on you. [to Drew] Don’t you think Drew? [she smirks and exits]

Susan: [looks at Drew as if demanding an explanation. He shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head] What did she do to you? What the hell went so wrong that made you even more of a pussy than you were before!?

Drew: She didn’t do anything but break up with me.

Susan: Bullshit. I know there’s something you’re not telling me. Spit it out Drew.

Drew: [pause] She just found out something she didn’t want to know. That’s it. [begins walking to exit A]

Susan: Whaddaya have ovaries!?


Scene 2


(Same living room. Drew and Susan are on the couch eating. It is late day.)

Drew: I had a hellish day today.

Susan: Not as bad as mine I bet. My boss ran me across hell and back doing errands. Now my head hurts and my back aches and my feet are sore. Oooooh, wanna rub my feet?

Drew: Not really, no.

Susan: Please Drew? Pleeeease?


[Drew gulps and reluctantly get on his knees to rub Susan’s feet]

Susan: [sighing] So you still don’t want to come to the reunion?

Drew: [keeping perfect focus on Susan’s feet] I don’t get why you are so worked up about seeing people you don’t even like.

Susan: And I don’t get why you’re [sighs] not. Its gives you a chance to lie about yourself and be perfect for a day. You don’t think - ooh, right there, right there, ahhh - you don’t think it’d be nice to have a day where people think you have zero oddities and eccentrics?

Drew: [getting flustered and frustrated] Everyone has stupid oddities and eccentricities. Everyone has them, so why deny that they’re there?

Susan: Because you’re not supposed to have them. [groans] Weird quirks aren’t normal. Even if [pause. She quickly tenses and then releases] everyone does have them, they’re still not acceptable. And for one day I will get to be a perfectly exceptional human being. It gives me kind of a rush.

Drew: Talk about oddities. [He kisses her big toe and switches to the next foot]

Susan: Me weird? What about you. Every woman I have known in your life, everyone, walks all over you, and you just let it happen. And Amy, what was up with you guys the other day, Mr.-I-can’t-tell-anyone-why-my-girlfriend-broke up-with-me? You’re hiding something you don’t want girlfriends or roommates to know and you think I’m odd?

Drew: Next topic or I’ll stop rubbing.

Susan: It must be something pretty bad right? Toenail clippings? Old stuffed animals?

Drew: Susan stop it.

Susan: What about another woman’s panties? Been playing two ladies at once eh Drewy? You dog.

Drew: Susan cut it out. I mean it.

Susan: Ooh! What about a hidden stash of super kinky porn? [Drew looks at
Susan. She leans in, excited] It was?


Scene 3


(Living room. A week or so has passed. There are several shopping bags and garbage bags strewn about the floor. Drew walks through the door. As soon as he sets down his bag Susan comes storming out from Exit A. Both are in casual attire.)

Susan: It WAS!?

Drew: Was what?

Susan: This!? [she slams several magazines into his chest] This is why she broke up with you!? [Drew takes a quick look and rolls them together] No wonder! How could you - I live with you, and you live with me and – how could you not tell me!?

Drew: Calm down Susi, it’s not a big deal.

Susan: Yes it is Drew! Yes it fucking is!

Drew: [struggles to put the words together] It’s just an oddity of mine. Remember? Like we talked about?

Susan: No. This is way more than just that. This…this…it’s sick.

Drew: Susi. Its not that bad. I’m not the only person y’know.

Susan: I don’t even want to think of that! How – I’ve been so carefree with you and now, all my memories of have turned into some twisted fantasy for perverts!

Drew: Susi…it’s not like every time I’m with you this is what I’m thinking about. This is a purely, er, sexual thing. I mean, it doesn’t change who I am. I’m still Drew, I’m still that puny kid you met in high school.

Susan: That’s just it Drew! You are supposed to be the kid I met in the wonder years, you’re supposed to be exactly what I know you as, and you’re not anymore! You are not that person now.

Drew: Why not Sus? Just because the person I am with you to be happens to enjoy one, tiny something in his private life? This isn’t the school reunion Susi, it’s not like I’m putting on a show because I want to!

Susan: You lied to me.

Drew: Because this is how people react!

Susan: And for a damn good reason if you ask me!

Drew: Treating me like a psychopath for something that doesn’t hurt you, doesn’t even effect you, and something that thousands of people have in common!? That’s a good reason?

Susan: This is not you. And I refuse to have to deal with whatever person you choose to be. [Susan puts together her purse and exits through the door while Drew stands and watches. He does not look regretful or sad however, he looks empowered and proud of himself.]


Scene 4


(Living room. Some time has passed. The place is tidy, but the TV is gone. Drew sits at the computer hunched over. He appears to be masturbating. The lights go off. The stage is lit only by the glow of the laptop. A small spotlight shines on a pair of boot-clad feet stage left. They dance and slink their way across stage. Next onstage are a pair of pumps, then strappy heels. Lastly bare feet slide across. They have Susan’s tattoo. They stop at Drew and touch him gently, Drew comes, then they move quickly to exit stage right.)