Bittersweet Pain

A/N: Yes I know it's really long, but it needs to be said.


*****WARNING! ***** This piece has: Depression, swearing, suicide, rape, more than a touch of insanity, rage, references to commit murder, homosexual references, and even a few references to the paranormal. If any of these are offensive to you to the point you can not deal with it then please do not read on. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!

This actually happened to me. In fact this started out as my suicide note. I can't begin to describe to you just how profound of an experience this turned out to be for me and I don't expect you to be able to fully acknowledge everything which led me up to that point. I am only demanding one thing from you. RESPECT. I'm posting this not for people to like it, but for people to realize just how serious Depression is. This is a very sensitive subject for me, and it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever posted. But when I re-discovered this, I realized that it wasn't about me wanting to post it, but about needing to, in order to hopefully keep someone else from destroying not only their lives, but also the lives of everyone who cares for them. For the rest of my life I will bear the scars of my past, both the physical and the emotional, but if by showing my pain I can prevent someone else's, it is a very small sacrifice indeed.

I know parts don't make sense all that much and that's because my thoughts didn't make much sense at the time. I have edited any spelling mistakes, but other than that I have left this in the original format that I found it in, with no other editing (yes that includes grammar and punctuation) So that is why it may not flow very well in some areas. This is done souly out of respect for that crying, terrified little girl 8 years ago with some really messed up thoughts, who was up in the middle of the night writing this when she finally realized suicide wasn't the answer, or a way out. That life was worth living, and that she desperately needed help. I haven't forgotten you Little One, and it is because of your strength to live that time that I am able to be strong today. This is dedicated to you Little One, your words shall not go unheard, in the hopes that no one else will have to shed more tears for the same reasons.

(Yes I really do want people to R&R this, All I ask is for you to treat me with the same respect and consideration I would show to you. I tell you the truth, I want the truth back.)

Note: Any text in * * is not my thoughts or speech and Aurora is my informal craft name. (For those unfamilliar with the pagan path just think of it as a nick name or a sign of respect for someone to call me by this name instead of by my given name.)


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Bittersweet Pain

By Cody Thomas age 16

Alone in the dark, fears running out of control. I just want release. I want it all to end now. Please make the voices stop. Stop fighting for my mind STOP MAKING ME HURT! I know how to end it there is a knife in the drawer right by my bed. Mom didn't know I took it I'm a good hider, no one has to know. just slit my wrists and my throat to keep from crying out they won't ever know they won't know till morning. By then I'll be gone and no one will care.

I've had enough I don't want to be here anymore, it is better to be gone, to be dead than to live with this pain. Fuck the world, I hate it all I can't even feel anything anymore and be sure it is mine. I just can't do it anymore it is too much. I can't lie to my friends and tell them I'm ok. I can't be what my family wants me to be I can't change myself but they would hate who I am if they knew. I am a good damn hider but I'm so tired of hiding tired of lying of pretending to be someone I am not.

I have the knife, why does something so deadly have to be so beautiful? The gleam of the reflection, the almost sinuous curve of the blade, the smooth hilt, so soft and smooth, yet so sharp. I feel the pain of the blade as it begins to separate the layers of skin. Deeper, deeper I feel the blood seep through and send a warm wet river down my arm. It stings but this pain will bring release this pain will end the others. Please yes more pain more blood, let myself die on these hateful sheets, take it all away. Another cut and another, strange how it still stings I can barely see my arm now I can see the muscles tighten as I slice through them. who cares it will all be over by morning nothing will hurt me after tonight.

I have been living a lie. You god damn fucker is this what you wanted? Is this what you fuckin wanted to do to me? Make me hate you and hate life so that I'd do anything to get away from you and that awful feel of your touch? My family already condemns me to Hell when they should condemn you for what you did to me. I was a good girl I never really told anyone but mommy and you were right, she didn't believe me. Did you like forcing yourself on an innocent child you sick son of a bitch? Did it make you feel like a big man to hurt and scar someone so young they didn't even know what was going on until later? I'm sending myself away but I want to kill you I hate you for hurting me for ruining my trust in ever finding a person who wouldn't hurt me like you did. I never have to think of you again after tonight, I'll be dead and my memories will no longer exist. They will know the truth when they find this they will throw you in jail where you'll be raped every day by the prisoners, just so you know how it feels and I'll watch from wherever I am and laugh because I can you sick fuck.

But I have a secret, you want me to tell you? You didn't win. I did trust again. I did fall in love so deeply that not even YOU can come into my head and torture me with those disgusting memories when I see her. She is a bright shining light that not even you can snuff out with your perversion and lust. They might condemn me to Hell for loving in the wrong way, but I wonder what is gonna happen to you since they don't have a place worse than Hell. I wish I could send you there.

I haven't even told her how I feel, that I love her. But it is better this way. She won't know and can go ahead and be happy with Him. They won't have to worry about me trying to mess things up, because I just want her, I don't want to share her, she is the only light I can see. I want her to be my light, but she never will be. There is nothing here for me, nothing that is mine except hurt and pain, and rejection if they should ever know the truth. So I'm leaving.

I feel weak, it won't be long now. I wonder what mom'll think I did it for. Attention probably or to hurt her. Everything revolves around her, at least to her it does. Let her think what she wants I don't care. The only reason that involves her at all is to get the hell away from her as fast as possible. I hate her too she never believed me she always is over dramatic and if something isn't done to her perfection, it's all my fault. I don't need that I don't need her I don't need the world, I don't need love, I don't need my friends.my friends they are probably the only ones who would even miss me.

Please whoever finds this don't lie I did leave by choice, but it wasn't because of them or what happened since I met them. Tell them not to cry for me since I can't tell them myself. I don't mean to cry, it just hurts too bad, don't cry over me, I can't stand that. I don't want your pity.

Oh the ghosts are coming around me now, they know I'm coming to join them for good now. Good welcome take me away. Why are you all crying? Why are you all fucking crying? You are fucking dead, you can't cry, you don't feel anymore Go away let me die alone if you aren't going to stop. I've fucking done enough for all of you I have relived all of your pain to help you find release let me at least feel my own god damn pain for once. What are you doing stop it that is my knife give it back it is my choice! STOP FUCKING CRYING!!! give me my knife it's mine!

I'm too weak to fight them anymore let them keep the damn knife, it has already done what I wanted, what are those ghosts gonna do, call for an ambulance? Not likely. A light. It doesn't matter now, they are too late that must be death come to let me leave Please don't make me wait longer I hate this world.

No not you please you know how I feel about you don't. Don't you dare start crying too, I can't stand the thought of you crying please just let me leave. It hurts, I hurt let me leave I beg you let me find release before everyone knows before I hurt everyone and you by letting you know the truth. I can't stand losing you. Please please please please please, I am begging you don't make me hurt you let me die with my secret, don't force me to lose your beautiful smile, and your precious friendship at least when I'm dead you will still love me. You will hate me when you find out the truth, please don't stop loving me. I never meant to fall in love with you, I knew you were with him, I knew you weren't like me. I'm sorry, I don't want to mess things up, let me die with my secret, please don't make me hurt you.

*Aurora, don't you realize that if you leave me my friend, without ever letting me know the real truth, to let me find in a letter long after you are gone, the real reason you were so unhappy would be the cruelest thing you could do to me? You actually thought you couldn't talk to me, your best friend, after we have shared so much? Can't you see that not letting me find a way to help you, talk to you, comfort you, assure you that our friendship is stronger than any secret you keep hidden in the depths of your soul hurts me, and if you leave you will kill a part of my soul? I am your friend, let me help you. If you don't want to hurt me, let me save you, let me understand the truth, please. *

I can't hurt you that is why it is better if I go, then I don't have to see the disgust in your eyes when you find out the truth, the hurt, the hatred, then you avoiding me, I couldn't stand to be alone again.

*Don't take the cowards way out Aurora, you aren't a coward. Yes your life has been a living hell for a number of years, but you survived it. You have scars that will never go away, some that can't even be seen, but you were stronger than the pain then and you are stronger than it now. We will help you be strong Aurora, you aren't alone anymore. The pain doesn't have to be hidden, it doesn't have to just be your problem, all of us will help you, we are all with you, together and nothing will ever destroy the bond we have all forged between ourselves for countless lifetimes. Fight Aurora. Fight, and live, and win. We will all support you, if you just refuse to give up. *

I stood at the crossroads between death and life, Death was reaching out, ready to drag me into an oblivion that I was no longer sure that I wanted. If I wanted to go any further I must stare straight at Death and demand to be allowed to leave my mortal frame and to then travel in Deaths company through the Shadow Lands, Deaths realm, to the Underworld, where the judging of souls is carried out. I stared straight into Deaths face without fear, and then, I blinked.

I was there sitting on my bed tears streaming down my face with the butcher knife I kept in my bedside drawer pressed lightly onto my wrist. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even make the first cut. I looked up, gathered around were the ghosts in my house looking more worried then I had ever seen them and in the middle of them She stood, My Lady, glowing like the light of a thousand stars. Clothed in moonbeams with her own mark on her brow, and an expression on her face that can never be put into words. She was only there a moment and only spoke a single word: HOPE. Beside her stood the spirit form of my shining light, my hope, my best friend. Her blue aura shimmered around her like gentle waves on a calm sea and her souls' symbol, the key of life, shining brightly from her forehead. The moment I noticed her, The Shining Lady was gone, and I was there, ready to choose. I re-sheathed the knife and placed it on the bed, hilt facing away from my hand. Then I burst into tears again.

"I won't kill myself, I promise. I need help, I can't do this alone. Will you please help me?" She nodded and came over and embraced me, tears silently streaming down her face as well. I placed the knife back into the drawer, retrieved my journal and crawled under the covers. She sat beside me on the bed smoothing my hair back and comforting me while I wrote all this down. She then stayed with me until I calmed enough to fall into an exhausted sleep. The last thing I heard before sleep claimed my conscious thoughts was *Live Aurora. Fight, and win, and really, really live. * --- Fin

A/N --- Well that is the end. I know it really wasn't a poem in the strictest sense of the word, but details shmetails. Deal with it. Untill the next discovery, here is to life. May you live it with pride, and joy, and most of all, Hope.