Catch

Shallow depth

I once had a dog and how I loved this dog. She was there for me when no one else would be. But sadly we couldn't keep her and my parents thinking it would be easier for me, gave her away while I was in school. So surprise, surprise what I didn't find when I got home! They told me about how sorry they were, that when we got a house I would get another dog. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and said 'it's o.k she was a bother anyway'. They laughed, relief flooding their features and said they were glad I felt that way. They hated my dog. We didn't have to get rid of her, they lied to me. Her barking irritated them thus they got rid of her. I acted like nothing was wrong, excused my self to my room. That night I locked myself in the bathroom, filled the tub, and slit my wrist. I hated them. They found me in the morning. Took me to the hospital and fixed me up. We never spoke about that night and I never got another dog. I was eight.

Life's a reoccurring tragedy
and
we just have to keep on moving forward.

We moved away from that neighborhood and bought a house, in one of those white picket fenced type of places. My mom was instantly accepted into the white picket fence of good housewives society, of course that isn't what its called. As to my father he was seen as the perfect husband, with the perfect wife, and the perfect daughter. To say that I didn't play any part in my family's future is to say to little. I was in the background of it all, in the beginning, my parents rarely let me go out with them in public. I was to always wear long sleeves, because of my scars, and to never speak unless spoken to. I followed these rules for the sole purpose of being invisible. My parents left me alone hence I did the same for them. I was left to my own devices and grew up mostly on my own. But please don't let me get too ahead of my self.
One night my parents, if you can call them that, decided to throw a party. All the associates from my fathers firm were there. Along with their wives and children. I as by that time was ten...

The party seemed to be going well all the grown ups so into their conversation's that they didn't notice the older kid's smoking pot in the back or the girl in the corner mixing drinks. I as always was in my room with nothing to watch on the teli, 'cause of all the noise, I decided to find myself a good book. By ten all the adults were drunk and most of the kid's were finding closets to rut in. Mind you these were 15-17 year olds no one brought their little kid's to parties, too whiny. I don't really remember much of the details but what I do remember was that there was this one boy. Yeah he was very quiet like me and he kept himself in corners away from anyone. I'd say that he was about 15 years old not bad to look at but his eyes they were what caught me. So empty and hollow. It felt like I was looking into a mirror. Beautiful. I wanted to talk to him I wanted to know why his eyes were so..so.. empty.
I came up behind him and grasped his hand. I startled him. He looked down and smiled. We walked up to my room, away from all the noise, and sat down on my bed. We talked about many things, stupid things, things I no longer remember. All I can really remember is that when he laughed his eyes lit up and they were beautiful, he was beautiful. He told me I was pretty. I blushed and told him I found him beautiful. He got up and I thought he was going to leave because of what I had said but as he reached the door he locked it. He smiled that same dark smile my parents always gave me.
I don't remember the rest but what I do remember clearly is the feel of his clumsy fingers pulling and ripping at my dress. The way my body seemed to weigh lead. How when he and I were naked he looked down at me. Giving me that dark smile once again. He told me I was his first, that we would be each others first. The pain that shook my body as he plunged himself deep inside my small frame. How my insides stretched to accommodate his length. How the breath was knocked out of me and how my eyes watered making him a blur. He pumped himself in and out of me first slowly as if unsure and then quickly continuing the ritual many a times. The way my body seemed to respond and how my legs wrapped themselves around his waist. How my walls squeezed everything out of him and how his sweat dripped on me. The warmth of his seed inside me and running down my legs.
He got up and quickly dressed. The small amount of innocence I still had, had been removed that day. My birthday.

I don't know how long I stayed there or how long it took my parents to notice I hadn't gone to school but when they found me all they could do was stare. No call to the hospital or for the police was made. My mother picked me up and bathed me. We all carried on as if nothing had happened. What I didn't know was that, that same day my father got a call and his firm successfully merged with a bigger one. Years later I would find out that, that clumsy boy was the son of that other company's owner. I had been used by everyone.
I never cried about what had happened. I never brought it up.

By age eleven the only color I wore was black. Everything in my world was black. Well lets keep this story moving. Life as always moved on. I went to school and came home. Locked myself in my room most of the time and drew. I discovered I liked drawing after that night, it calmed me. I felt free. I was so inspired by drawing and being able to be a bit good at it too that I painted the walls of my room. It was all colored in blacks and deep reds. It was home. My room was the only place I ever felt safe and warm in.
That summer I met him once more. My parents told me nothing only that we were to go to a summer home near some lake, whose name I cared not for, and that we were to share it with another family. That was all I knew...


We arrive at the cabin sometime noon. The family that was there was made up of a group of four. Two females and two males. I instantly recognized those hollow eyes. It was him. We were sharing the cabin with his family. I’d like to say that at this time my body froze and I screamed bloody Mary. Which then forced my father to pull the break and because of his worry for his poor daughters mental state he makes a u-turn and gun’s it out of there. Sadly this isn’t what happened. What really happened was...
“Father...he’s the boy that hurt me” my father simply looked over his shoulder and said. “Don’t make such a big deal out of it. If he does anything just bite your tongue and keep quiet. This four week stay with the Benson’s is vital. If you don’t behave I might not get to work on the ‘New berry’ case. If I get that case do you know how much money I’ll be raking in. Now honey you’ll be a good girl for daddy right?” His eyes were searching mine through the rear view mirror.”Hn...as you ask.” was my only response.
We stepped out of the car and once again made our introductions. His name was John, what a normal type name. I don’t know why I expected something exotic but I did. His mothers and father’s name are of no consequence just know that they are Mr. and Mrs. Benson. They weren’t a handsome couple. Mr. Benson was almost pig like in appearance. Mrs. Benson on the other hand was small and frail and flat as a wall. I a child of eleven had more of a bosom. Ah but he, John, hadn’t really changed since that one year. It be strange of me to say that I was not frightened to be in his presence, I was. But a more primal part of me took over. My muscles relaxed and my eyes made contact. “Hi” I brushed past him and walked into the cabin.
The first two weeks I mostly spent to myself in my cabin room. On the third I was forced out by my mother telling me I was being rude and was going to cost them money. I tried being polite to the couple but the son I would try to avoid as much as possible. I survived for three days without any confrontation. Day four he got me outside collecting wood.
“I don’t like to chase I’d rather be chased” he was towering over me. For a moment I lost control of my vocal cords but then again that primal part of me came out. “What do you want from me?” it came out as more of a growl than a question. “Oh your harsh words wound me. Please do tell me what happened to that sweet little girl I met naught but a year ago?” His hands slid down my arms softly squeezing my wrist. “You snuffed her out” “Hm...really? Are you sure? Because my body and mind seem to think she’s still here right before my eyes.” “Your body and mind? They lie” He laughed at something out of my reach. He let go and slowly moved away from me but not before telling me that I was once more his to catch.
Our stay at the cabin ended and we said our goodbye’s. My father beamed a smile at me the whole way home. He got the case.

Years passed without any change. I went to school and home. I rarely encountered John again. Only during the holidays and company outings did I ever see him. He mostly kept to himself and I rarely paid attention to him.
Alas it went so until my sixteenth birthday came to pass. By this time I was already in high school. Tenth grade....