The Basilisk (Early concept script)

The
Cleaning Crew

This is a concept script I and a friend wrote, we revised it into a much larger story that would take at least 6 movies and one mini movie to tell. We rewrote this script alone into a much larger story itself but this introduces most the characters. If you'd like I can post the completed script of the BASILISK part 1. THese are copy written characters. DO NO STEAL YA BASTARDS!

Prologue

On a black screen in white text, words appear and read as follows…

“Deus Ex Machina Principle:
On course through space and time, objects travel a set speed and trajectory towards their inevitable destination. It is scientific fact that any said trajectory may contain certain variables that are there to deter said objects at intervals during their course, resulting in an altered destination...”

(Fade in…)

We are above a street in the slums of a city.

We move in closer to the street. As we move over the ledge of the building, we see that someone has been in an accident.

A vehicle has veered off the road and into the side of an abandoned apartment building.

Three characters stumble out of the wreckage bleeding and bruised.

Geoffrey draws his gun aiming it at Marvin.

Geoffrey - What the fuck you fucking prick!?!?

Marvin draws his gun aiming at Geoffrey,

Marvin - Drop the fucking piece man or I won’t fucking hesitate to splatter your goddamn brains all over the pavement!

He notices his suit is filthy.

Marvin - Goddamnit, my best suit...

Tulip rests on her knees, her gun covering Marvin as well.

Tulip - Bastard fucked up my wheels! Do you realize where we' at!?!?

Marvin pulls another gun at aims it at Tulip.

Marvin – Fuck you! My suit is fucking ruined, because you couldn’t pay attention to the goddamn road, you fucking dyke! NOW BOTH OF YOU DROP YOUR FUCKING GUNS, OR I FUCKING SWEAR…

Geoffrey – Now you’ve gone fucking done it man…

Marvin - This is some fucked up shit…

Tulip - Quit pointing that goddamned gun at me or I'm gonna-

Marvin – WHAT… You’re going to what bitch!

Geoffrey - ...and crash the goddamned car, Jesus man you’re fucking pathetic!

(Fade to black…)

Four shots fired.

(Roll opening credits…)

1. Int. The Crew

Geoffrey’s hand is resting on the inside of a car door.

We move up Geoffrey’s arm and pause on his face.

In white text at the bottom of the screen, it reads…

“Geoffrey: Hitman, basic thug for hire. Blunt, but in control. No nonsense kind of guy. Bad hair cut, worse language and lacking in fashion sense.”

Moving on, we pan over to Marvin and pause on his face.

The text reads…

“Marvin: The eyes, ears and mouth of Dick Boll. A royal prick with delusions of professionalism. Nice clothes, clean cut, bad hat...”

Geoffrey and Marvin are in the backseat of the moving car.
The seat and floor are cluttered, but not too cluttered.

Slowly, they glide through town.

Outside the car, we see empty and rundown apartments, littered streets, and ugly terrain.

We are in the slums of a city.

We cut to Geoffrey.

Geoffrey - This part of town has gone straight to hell... I mean look at it, it’s a fuckin’ shit hole. Even the goddamn bums look shittier. I didn't think they even had a fuckin’ career ladder.

Pan slightly over to Marvin as he looks out the window.

Marvin - It’s the time we're living in. It’s getting to a day when even an honest thief is a rare sight.

Cut to Tulip driving the car.

Tulip - Shit motherfucker, you’re crazy as hell. Honest thieves don’t exist… Wouldn’t be thieves if they was honest…

We pause on Tulip’s face.

The text reads…

“Tulip: The driver… the only difference between this dyke and the assholes in the back, is the bear trap between her legs.”

Marvin shifts in his seat and tosses a cigarette butt out the back, it bounces off the neck of one of said bums.

Geoffrey - Bulls eye motherfucker!

Marvin ignores the comment.

Marvin - What this place needs is a cleaning crew.

Geoffrey sits up in his seat and smiles, seeing an old lady pushing a cart across the street.

Geoffrey - Why don’t we start here… with that crusty old bitch right there.

He points at the bag lady.

Geoffrey - Hey Tulip; run that piece of shit off the road.

Tulip – Shut up Geoffrey… I ain’t running over no helpless old lady. Even if she is ugly as hell.

The car speeds up.

Marvin - That’s an uncivilized way to deal with it anyway… you'd fit in wonderful down here…

Geoffrey - What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Tulip - He means to say, you’re full of shit. I wouldn’t put up with that shit if I was you.

Marvin – Really… well according to Mister Boll, neither of you have a fucking choice.

Tension builds.

Geoffrey – Fuck you asshole! Where the fuck do you get off telling me where I fit in anyway? You fucking lived here motherfucker! A year ago I would’ve been running your ass down.

Marvin - Fair enough fuckface, but the next time you bring that shit up… That used tampon you call a head is going to have a violent disagreement with your neck.

Geoffrey reaches for his gun.

Geoffrey - Fuck you…

Tulip slams on the breaks and kicks the car into park as she turns around with her arm on the back of the seat.

Tulip - Look! If you two pussies wanna put your dicks away for a fucking second, we’re here!

2. Int. Outside the Apartment

They calm down and get out of the car in front of an apartment building.

Marvin - Alright, we all know why we’re here. The difference between smooth negotiation and six o’ clock news coverage is the ability to keep your cool.

Geoffrey – Wait a damn sec…

He raises a hand as Geoffrey starts to interrupt.

Marvin - I know you know. Still I have to be certain that I’m dealing with professionals and not a couple of fucking cowboys.

Tulip - Or cowgirls.

Marvin - Not according to your girlfriend. Let’s go.

Tulip shoots Geoffrey a sharp look, he shakes his head. They enter the building.

3. Int. Reminiscing

Back in the car...

Marvin talking to Geoffrey.

Marvin – It’s the most fucked up thing in the world. Take for example that no matter what you do, there are always these… these fuckin’ wild cards that get thrown in the mix, right?”

Geoffrey - Don’t deal with much of that. I mean, yeah, there is always the surprise element. The friend had a gun, the family had an avenging angel or some comic book bullshit like that, but I mean…

Tulip driving.

Tulip - Dalton syndrome, or some shit.

Marvin looks up.

Marvin - What was that?

Tulip takes a drag off her cigarette.

Tulip – I don’t know the whole story. Geoffrey would tell you, but he don’t talk about it too much.

Geoffrey - Just go, I’ll fill in the blanks.

Tulip - A few years ago Geoffrey had a partner named Dalton, read too many westerns or some shit. Thought he was fuckin’ Clint Eastwood or some shit, right?

Marvin - Yeah.

Tulip - Well anyway, He and Geoffrey had been hired for a bit of business, this nasty fucking whack job…what the fuck was his name?

Geoffrey - Morgan or Morgan the organ if you ask the right people, guy was a prick.

Tulip - And fuckin’ crazy to boot.

(Fade out…)


4. Int. Geoffrey’s Story

(Fade in…)

Geoffrey looking a bit younger and a man that has to be Dalton standing at the door of a nice suburban house.

Dalton - Who is this guy again?

Geoffrey - How the hell should I know? All I know is that word around the fuckin’ water cooler is motherfucker was working for Red Jack, you know, they were real close, childhood friends and all. Red Jack supposedly caught this son of a bitch cornholing his cat.

Dalton - What?!

Geoffrey - The son of a bitch was cornholing his cat, what? Did I fuckin’ stutter?

Dalton - He’s gonna get whacked for cornholing the cat?

Geoffrey - No, he’s getting whacked because the cat was sitting in Red Jack’s wife’s lap at the time.

Dalton - Holy Shit!

Geoffrey - I heard of likin’ pussy but Jesus!

Dalton - What the hell did Red Jack do?

Geoffrey - Remember how Red Jack went to the hospital?

Dalton - Yeah.

Geoffrey - They told me he blew an artery or some shit when he saw that.

Dalton - What happened to his wife?

Geoffrey - That’s the fucked up part.

Dalton - I think we reached the fucked up part a long time ago there bud.

Geoffrey – No man get this shit, they found Red Jack’s wife at a local pound crammed into one of the cages, said she had a live cat shoved up her stuff.

Dalton - Her stuff?

Geoffrey - Yeah, you know, her stuff…her fucking pussy man, goddamn… I told you, Red Jack’s fucking hardcore man.

Dalton - Obviously…

Geoffrey shakes his head.

Geoffrey – Anyway let’s get down to man, how you wanna do this?

Dalton - Red Jack said make it hurt.

Geoffrey - Then we’ll make it hurt like hell.

Dalton holds a bag up as they approach the door.

Geoffrey – What’s that?

Dalton - Video camera… it ain’t never too late to relive the good old days.

Geoffrey knocks on the door.

Door opens.

Morgan - Can I help you gentlemen?

Geoffrey - Why yes you can!

He clocks him and walks inside, Dalton looking around follows. Morgan lies on the floor groaning. Geoffrey walks through the house looking into random rooms.

Geoffrey - It’s clean.

Dalton duct taping Morgan’s hands and legs popping him in the head to make him hold still.

Dalton - Where you want to set up, this could take all day, and I want to be comfortable.

Geoffrey - Upstairs.

Nighttime

A knock at the door.

Door opens Geoffrey stands with red smears on his face and clothes.

The pizza dude looks at him strangely.

Geoffrey holds up a paintbrush covered in red liquid. Belt sander running in the background.

Pizza Dude – Remodeling?

Geoffrey - No, it’s a mafia hit.

Pizza Dude – (Laughs) Lets see, that’s going to be seventeen ninety nine…

Geoffrey pulls out a wallet; upon opening it he discovers there’s only fifteen bucks in there.

Geoffrey – Shit… hang on…

He pulls a ten out of his pocket and gives the guy twenty-five.

Geoffrey - Thanks, here keep the change.

He folds up the wallet.

The pizza dude holds up the cash as he walks back to his car.

Pizza Dude – Thanks a bunch man…

Geoffrey calls after him.

Geoffrey - And hey! Don’t tell anyone huh?

Pizza dude laughs as he gets in his car and nods.

Pizza Dude – Sure thing man… whatever you say…

Geoffrey looks around as the pizza dude pulls out and closes the door.

Geoffrey jogs upstairs and pitches the wallet in Morgan’s face, which by this point he is messed up pretty bad and unconscious from pain.

Geoffrey - It’s called cash motherfucker. Keep more than fifteen bucks next time, huh?

Dalton looks up and drops the belt sander.

Geoffrey - Dinner is served.

Dalton looks down at the man and dumps an open saltshaker on him then walks over to Geoffrey sitting down at a table.

Dalton - Motherfucker is a horse. Takes a licking and keeps on kicking.

Geoffrey - Yeah…I think he’s had enough.

Dalton - Yeah… hey… umm, about that...we don’t have to kill him… Do we?

Geoffrey - What the fuck?

Dalton - We can’t kill him.

Geoffrey - What the fuck are you saying, of course we kill him, it’s what we’re here to do.

Dalton - No man... I mean look at him, he’s plant food as it is. I’ve been working on him with that fucking belt sander for two fucking hours and he’s just sitting there.

Geoffrey - Then it’s a fucking mercy killing. What the fuck are you talking about; you think I want Red Jack to put my ass in a Kennel next to his dead bitch? Think I want a poodle up the dick? Hell fucking no!

Dalton - Look man, we don’t kill him, killing is fucking wrong! That shits in the in the bible dude!

Geoffrey – Oh really… Well I’m pretty fucking sure that there’s a thing or two in there about grinding a motherfucker’s dick off with a fucking belt sander too, but I don’t see you having a goddamn moral dilemma about that shit!

Dalton - I can skirt around that in confession, but not murder goddamnit! Aww fuck, look what made me do… You made me fucking blaspheme!

Geoffrey jumps up and grabs his gun.

Geoffrey - We kill him! That’s what we were paid to do, that’s what we’re gonna do. If you ain’t got the balls, then I do. Get the fuck outta my way choirboy!

Dalton is on his feet with his gun pointed back at Geoffrey.

Dalton - No fucking way, I ain’t gonna be damned for eternity for your stupid ass!

Geoffrey - Will you fuckin’ listen to yourself? You ain’t gonna be damned for eternity, I’m gonna do it…you know, extenuating circumstances or some shit. You don’t pull the trigger, your in the bathroom taking a piss, which might I add, your taking a piss with something you didn’t leave this poor bastard!

Dalton - No man, no fucking way am I gonna let you do it.

Geoffrey - Goddamnit!

Geoffrey kicks the table leg flipping it at Dalton who falls over backwards. Then fires three shots into Morgan.

Geoffrey - There, motherfucker, there! He’s dead, at peace, gone to meet his maker, consider him fertilizer. Ashes to ashes and dust to fucking dust!

Dalton yells and fires his gun.

Geoffrey takes one in the shoulder.

Geoffrey - Shit!

Geoffrey fires at the table unloading. Then he walks over and moves it.

Geoffrey – Damnit… See asshole, shouldn’t have fucked with me.

Dalton has six wounds into his chest and a pizza over his face.

Geoffrey - Fuck…I hate goddamn religion!

Geoffrey stumbles from the room.

Fade out

5. Int. The Diner

Tulip, Marvin and Geoffrey are sitting in a diner.

Marvin - That’s fucked up.

Tulip - No, that’s what you were fuckin’ talking about. Wild Cards.

Geoffrey is balancing a fork on his glass of water.

Geoffrey - There’s always a fucking wild card. At least the son of a bitch didn’t aim to the left.

Marvin - That’s why they send people like me. To make sure that if the shit hits the fan, I have some handy-wipes.

Tulip - Either way, I still ain’t crazy about having your ass along for the ride. We’ve been running this shit for years, we know what the fuck we’re doing.

Marvin – So sorry Tulip… didn’t mean to burst your fucking bubble. But that’s the way of things. Consider this a visit from management. It’s random and if everything goes well, you have nothing to worry about. If not… well… let’s just hope everything goes well.

Tulip – Humph… yeah, whatever…

Geoffrey tosses the fork into the glass and looks at Marvin.

Geoffrey – We gonna do this thing or what?

Marvin stretches and stands up.

Marvin – Oh yeah… Where’s this guy Rat live anyway?

Tulip – In an apartment downtown…

Marvin – Great… let’s get to it then, I want to see you guys in action. At least I’ll have a good joke to tell to my drinking buddies next time I hit the bar, if nothing else. Oh yeah… grab the check, would you Geoffrey?

Marvin gives Geoffrey a cheese grin and hits the door. Geoffrey is not amused by this and starts to grab his gun.

Geoffrey – That fucking asshole…

Tulip puts her hand over his.

Tulip – Just chill out Geoffrey…he’ll get his.

Geoffrey calms himself and stands up.

Geoffrey – He fucking better, because I’m already getting tired of his fucking bullshit.

Tulip – Fuck him… Listen, just pay the tab and I’ll go start the car… Don’t let that fucking douche bag get to you.

Geoffrey – Easy for you to say…

Tulip Pats him on the shoulder and hits the door. Geoffrey approaches the cashier and tosses a twenty on the counter.

Geoffrey – Keep the change…

He heads towards the door.

Cashier – Excuse me sir…

He turns.

Geoffrey – Yes…

Cashier – You only gave me twenty the check was thirty-two fifty seven.

Geoffrey – What the f… Never mind here just take it…

He tosses another twenty down and storms out.

(Fade out…)

6. Int. No Answer

The crew are walking up the stairs to an apartment. Geoffrey bumps into a man walking down the hall.

Geoffrey turns and pushes him down.

Geoffrey - Motherfucker! Watch where the hell you’re going!

Turns back and starts up stairs.

Marvin - Politeness counts, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey - Motherfucker was in my way. What do you want? Someone has to teach him some manners.

They walk down a ratty hallway and stop at a door. Marvin knocks.

They wait.

Marvin knocks again.

Geoffrey – Un-fucking-believable...

Tulip - Motherfucker ain’t home.

Marvin sighs.

Marvin - Rules of the business, call it the wild card popping its ugly little head into the picture. Don’t worry. Mister Joker wins this round. Fuck it, we’ll come back later. Let’s go grab a cup of coffee, I’m fucking tired as hell.

Geoffrey - Kung Fu Coffee?

Tulip - Kung Fu Coffee…

Marvin - Kung fu what?

(Fade to next scene…)

7. Int. Marvin

We are in an office. The nameplate on the desk says, “Richard J. Boll.” As we move away from the nameplate, we see that Dick is on the telephone and apparently he’s frustrated.

Dick – That fucking bastard makes one more goddamn movie, I’m gonna kill his kraut eating ass! I don’t care if he is my fucking cousin!

Pause on Dick’s face.

[Dick Boll: Small time mob boss and extortionist. The man in charge of things. He’s got a real hate on for some cousin of his that keeps making shitty video game movies on his dime.]

Dick slams the phone down.

Dick - I hate my fucking family! Goddamn Nazi pricks!

Cut to Tulip and Geoffrey sitting in front of his desk looking around.

Geoffrey – Yeah I hear Mister Boll, family can be a pain in the ass.

Dick – Oh really… You hear me, do you? Can you hear this? Who the fuck asked you?

Tulip - We got here as soon as we got the call. What did you want to see us about?

Cut back to Dick shuffling around with a few things on his desk.

Dick - I’m getting to it… Jesus…

Dick sighs... and mutters something about funding his brother’s movie.

Dick – (Muttering) Goddamn prick… last time he gets any money outta me… be damned if I fund another piece of shit like that…

Geoffrey clears his throat.

Dick looks up at them and sits down at his desk gathering himself.

Dick - You two’ve been working for me… how long now?

Tulip was caught a bit off guard.

Tulip - Uhh…

Geoffrey – I dunno, I guess about six years.

Dick nods.

Dick – Uh huh… Six years... that’s a long time.

Geoffrey - Yes sir, it is.

Dick - And in all that time, I never really heard about what you were doing with the few blocks I told you to look after.

Geoffrey - We’ve been keeping it clean for you.

Cut to Geoffrey beating a man down in the street with a toilet bowl seat.

Geoffrey - GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER!

Cut back to office.

Dick points to Tulip.

Dick - Can she talk?

Tulip - Like he said, keeping it clean.

Cut to Tulip leading a little boy into an apartment by the hand

Tulip - This way sugar.

Cut back to office.

Dick lights a cigar.

Dick - Keeping it clean huh?

Geoffrey - Yes sir…

Dick - OK... so maybe you wouldn’t mind if I sent a guy I know with you… kinda make sure how clean it is... give it the old white glove test.

Tulip and Geoffrey look at each other.

Tulip - Umm, well, you know…

Geoffrey – I don’t think…

Dick – Good. Marvin!

Geoffrey - Marvin?!

Marvin enters.

Marvin - Hello Geoffrey... long time no see…

Cut to Marvin pulling up his pants, a man lying in an alley groaning.

Cut back to office.

Geoffrey - Hello…Marvin.

Dick - Good you’ve already met. Well, Marvin here is going to be tagging along, consider him an extension of my eyesight to see what you’ve been doing, and my boot if you haven’t been doing it right.

Tulip - We don’t need a fucking babysitter!

Dick - And I don’t need a goddamn jerk off and cracked out a bull dyke running my fucking business either, but it’s all I got. Now your gonna take Marvin with you, and if everything isn’t hunky fuckin’ dory I’m gonna be hanging your tits and his balls off my rear view mirror now FUCK OFF… before decide to do it anyway.

Geoffrey and Tulip - Fuck.

(Fade out…)


8. Int. Rat, Puss and Boots.

An apartment door.

There is a knock.

Followed by another knock.

We hear Geoffrey and Tulip talking on the other side. (Dialog from scene 6.)

Pan left.

There is a man standing beside the door gun drawn, his back pressed against the wall.

He looks up and makes a shushing gesture at someone. We pause on his face.

[This is Rat: A junky and a dealer that owes a lot of money to a lot of the wrong people. He’s to months late with a payment to mister Boll.]

There are two people sitting on the couch. One is holding a bong, the other is passed out. The guy with the bong looks at him confused and makes the gesture back.

The man against the wall (Rat) rolls his eyes.

Sounds of footsteps retreating.

Rat sighs.

Rat - Damnit, what the fuck! I told you to be quiet.

Boots snickers and takes another hit.

Rat slides down the wall and rests the gun against his forehead.

Rat - That’s the last goddamned time I invite you two over…Jesus H.

Puss sits up and grins.

Puss - What are you bitching about? We didn’t make any noise.

Rat sighs and stands up.

Rat – Oh no… You didn’t make any noise, other than smoking up and geeking the fuck out the entire goddamn time they were outside! Other than that, no, you didn’t make a fucking sound!

We follow Rat as he walks over to the window and looks out; we see Marvin and crew leaving below.

Rat drops and sits down next to the window with his back against the wall. He is obviously frustrated.

Rat - I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave. If I stay here they’re either going to kick me out or beat the living shit out of me! That’s if they’re in a good mood…

Boots - Fuck it man... talk to Dan, he can take care of this shit.

Rat – Dan… two-bit drug pusher with a thing for teenage boys, that Dan? I doubt he’ll be able to shed much light on this subject. And that bastard freaks me the fuck out.

Puss - Either way you’re going to lose your pad, and your head for that matter, just leave.

Rat - Bitch, when the hell did I need a cracked out hole to fucking tell me what to do with my life?

Boots – Now that ain’t fuckin’ cool, don’t talk to Puss that way. She ain’t done anything to you.

Rat – Yeah… what the fuck ever, just get out.

Puss - You can’t fucking do that!

Rat stands and points the gun at them kicking the water bong off the table.

Rat - Get your shit and get the FUCK OUT!

He escorts them out and slams the door.

Puss and Boots look at each other

Both - What a prick.

Cut to Rat sitting on the sofa looking around, obviously thinking and freaking out.

Rat - Fuck this shit...

He reaches over and dials a number.

He waits a moment then hangs up. Standing, he leaves the apartment.

9. Int. Dan

Rat is walking down the sidewalk and approaches a warehouse. A few guys are standing outside.

Rat - Hey, guys, I need to see Dan.

Thug 1 shakes his head.

Thug 1 - Dan is indisposed.

Rat - I don’t care if he’s skull fucking his boyfriend, I have to see him. Come on man, this is life or death.

Thug sighs.

Thug 1 - I’ll try man, but I’m telling you… he’s awful busy.

Thug turns and leaves.

Cut to Rat crouched down on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette stands as Dan comes out.

Dan has blood on the front of his pants and is zipping his fly up.

Dan - Rat, tell me why you interrupted me, and make it good. I’ve had a horrible loss today, and I’m not in a good mood.

We pause on Dan’s face. The text reads.


[Dan: One twisted bastard.]

Rat - Two words. Dick Boll. He’s after my place. I can’t go into details. Let’s just say, shit fucked up and now he’s pissed.

Dan holds out his hand, thug 1 hands him a gun.

He points the gun at Rat.

Rat - Come on man, you fucking owe me!

Dan tilts his head.

Dan - No, I don’t. Like I said, I’m feeling very fragile right now…so tell me… WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!

Rat - I just want two guys, to even up the odds. Just two no names, someone to help me keep these bastards off my tail just for a bit. Keep in mind, two thirds of your trafficking goes through my place. Do you want your business to go down?

Dan sighs and turns nodding to thug 1.

Dan - Fine... I’ll give you two…

Dan turns to walk away.

Rat sighs.

Rat - Hey Dan, you seen Hull lately?

Dan stops and places the gun to thug 1’s head and fires.

Dan - Yes… as a matter of fact I have…

He continues walking.

(Fade to next scene…)

10. Int. Boots’ place…

Geoffrey sitting in a nice house.

Boots is sitting across from him.

Geoffrey - Where’s Puss man?

Boots takes a drag off his joint as he deals tarot cards out on the table

Boots - At her mom’s house…birthday or something like that.

Geoffrey Sighs.

Geoffrey - Relatives…depressing. Ok deal the cards and get this over with, I wanna hit that bong but I wanna hear this first.

Boots grins and finishes laying them out. Then studies them.

Boots - My man… you are cosmically fucked.

Geoffrey - Thanks for the positive message, fuck head, now quit jerking me off and read the damned cards.

Boots shakes his head.

Boots - No man for real. These say that the powers that be are conspiring against you; I mean you’re in the middle of a cosmic gangbang right now. See this card? This is the tower, generally viewed as one of the worst cards in the Tarot.

Geoffrey - I thought that was death.

Boots shakes his head again and hits the joint.

Boots - No, death just means change, the tower means calamity. See that motherfucker falling? That’s you.

Geoffrey smirks.

Geoffrey - I thought that was el presidente’ getting blown out the back of the white house by a suicide bomber.

Boots - Laugh all you want. The cards never lie.

Geoffrey - No but potheads do. Fuck this, gimme at off that.

Boots hands him the joint and leans back.

Boots - So what do you have lined up for this busy week?

Geoffrey – I don’t know... I got a manager up my ass right now at work. Watching every little move I make. It’s making me goddamn crazy.

Boots - That’s what you get for having a job. In the perfect world that I live in there is no such evil as work. All the people of the land live lives of happiness and sex.

Geoffrey - And poverty.

Boots shakes his head again.

Boots - No man, poverty is being a mindless drone for the machine. Money doth not make one rich. Look at it like this. I may not work, but I do live by a code.

Geoffrey – Which is?

Boots - DO NO HARM, motherfucker!

Geoffrey - How do you figure that *cough*.

Snuffs the joint in the ashtray.

Boots - Because no matter what anyone does in this life, they eventually cause harm. I mean look at it like this. You work in the medical field. You save a man’s life. Down the road he has a kid and so on because the world loves fucking. Eventually the son of a bitch’s family line leads to the next Hitler!

Geoffrey sighs.

Geoffrey - Hitler? Come on man... that’s like a worst-case scenario…

Boots - Ok how about this. You work for making the perfect automobile in order to stop pollution. The air is great, but people are still killing themselves in accidents. You’re still amassing bad karma.

Geoffrey - Whatever…I don’t do pothead ethics.

Boots - And look at the fuckin’ cards. It’s all about to come crashing down on your head man and I don’t want to be anywhere near you’re ass when it happens.

Geoffrey - Fine. Let me pass out for a while and I’ll be out of your hair.

Boots makes the sign of the cross.

Geoffrey - Jesus... Christ… better not be near my ASS period homo… *passes out*

Boots leans back and sighs.

Fade out.

11. Int. Access Denied

Tulip, Marvin and Geoffrey walk out of Dick Boll’s office building, heading towards Tulips car.

Tulip - What the fuck was that look about in there? How the hell do you two know each another?

Marvin - Had a few run-ins in the past.

Geoffrey - I always meet the motherfucker.

Tulip unlocks the car, and climbs into the front seat.

Marvin opens the front passenger door. Geoffrey grabs him by his shoulder.

Geoffrey - NO! In the back, man.

Marvin - Get your fucking hand off me or else… prick. I don’t ride in the back.

Geoffrey - Motherfucker, nobody rides next to Tulip, get your fucking yuppie wannabe ass in the back.

Marvin glares at him then opens the back door.

Geoffrey circles the car and gets in.

Geoffrey - Some Motherfuckers…God bless…

Cut to riding down the road.

Marvin - So why doesn’t anyone ride in the front?

Geoffrey - It’s just the way it is.

Marvin - That’s fucked up, there should at least be a goddamn reason why no one rides in the front, especially if you were willing to place your life in jeopardy by threatening me.

Geoffrey raises an eyebrow.

Geoffrey - Place my life in Jeopardy? I’ll take bullshit for 2000 Alex… Jesus. Hey Tulip, tell him why you don’t let anyone ride in the front seat.

Tulip slams the door and starts the car.

Tulip - Because the only time I let someone sit next to me is when that person isn’t an asshole. I still haven’t met that person.

The car pulls off…

11. Int. Kung Fu Coffee.

The crew are sitting at one of the tables, drinking coffee.

Geoffrey takes a sip of his coffee.

Geoffrey - Can’t believe that fuck wasn’t there… I mean he could at least show a little gratitude for all the leniency we’ve shown him in the past.

Tulip hits her cigarette.

Tulip - Yeah… No shit… How many times has he been late with payments and we gave him extra time to get the money?

Geoffrey - Countless… I mean he’s just a fucking harmless pothead… it’s to be expected for him to be late all the time, but he’s got a lot of nerve to just skip out on a goddamn payment period.

Marvin’s interest is peeked.

Marvin – So who the fuck is this guy?

Geoffrey – Its Rat, most of the cash comes through his place. He is the holder. I think Dan is who sells for him…right? Was it Dan?

Tulip – I think so…or it could have been Pharaoh…

Marvin – What the hell is this? You don’t even know who is doing the dealing and the holding!?

Geoffrey – That shit isn’t our concern! All we do is make sure that Dick gets his money!

Marvin – Look! That’s it. You two are going to listen to me from now on. I don’t give a fuck if I tell you to hop a plane, fly to Rome, and go down on the Pope, your gonna fucking do it!

Geoffrey looks at Tulip.

Geoffrey – I admit we might have let shit get a little…

Tulip – Relaxed.

Geoffrey – Yeah, relaxed, but still we know what’s going on most of the time. This shit won’t take much to straighten out.

Marvin – Jesus H… so we’re going to see Rat, if he’s home might I add. God forbid, the son of a bitch might still be out getting his hair done. But still, go see Rat. I got that much. He is the holder, which changes things a bit. He can at least tell us who is selling this shit. At this point my guess is Osama bin Laden, but what the fuck. We find out who the dealer is, and where the hell our money went. That’s if I can keep the two escapees from the peanut gallery in line. Christ, why me…

Tulip – Asshole…

Marvin takes a drink of coffee.

Marvin - You don’t think he skipped town do you? If he did you two are fucked… Ain’t anything I can do to help you… even if I wanted to.

Geoffrey - Don’t even worry about Rat. He’s a pothead true… but fucking stupid… he ain’t. He wouldn’t leave town with so much on the line. Not to fucking mention, he’s been damned loyal so far.

Marvin - What the hell could a fucking pothead have to lose? And I seriously fucking doubt loyalty is even in his vocabulary… And I really don’t think we’re going to find his ass back at his apartment either, to be perfectly fucking honest. Is there anywhere this guy might hole up?

Tulip - I don’t know about holing up, but if he thinks we’re after his ass to kill him… he might paranoid as fuck. In that case he might go to that freaky fuck… what was it… Dan or something…

Marvin – Ahh, the mysterious Dan…heard so much about him, really would love to meet him. It would complete my outlook on this wonderful love triangle you got going on with this business. Tell me about him.

Geoffrey – He’s a fucking asshole that used to fucking hang out at that goddamn Goth club down the way. Fucking pussy ass place… NV or some shit. He would hang out there… fuck with this group of misfits that Rat hangs with all the time. He’s a pusher… got thing for fucking kids man.

Tulip - Yeah… twisted fuck…

Marvin – Oh that’s fucking beautiful! A pedophile in the business. Tell me, did you do this on purpose or is it just your special way of fucking up my day? You know what, fuck it. That’s a rhetorical question, how can we get a hold of this prick?

Geoffrey - I’d rather not…

Marvin - Did I fucking say I cared what you’d rather or not fucking like. Listen up… if this guy knows where our guy is, that’s all I fucking care about…

Tulip sits up.

Tulip - He didn’t say no he just said…

Marvin holds his hand up.

Marvin - I didn’t ask you damn thing.

Tulip rolls her eyes.

Tulip - Whatever…

Marvin turns his attention back to Geoffrey.

11. Int. Rat’s Plan

Rat is riding shotgun in a van with one thug driving and another behind him.

Rat – Anybody here got a cigarette?

Driver – I don’t smoke.

Rat looks behind him, thug in backseat hands him a cigarette. Rat lights it and takes a drag.

Driver – So where are we going? We’ve been driving for an hour and you still haven’t told us shit.

Rat – I’m gathering my wits, I don’t really want to do this. Fuck, if I ever get my hands on the son of a bitch who lost the money I’m gonna shove an m80 down his dick.

Thug – That’s kind of harsh.

Rat – Well…in this business you have to keep your shit together. Not my fault he fucked up.

Driver – Amen.

They ride in silence for a moment.

Thug in backseat – You know…you said you were gonna shove an m80 down his dick…

Rat – Yeah? So what the fuck about it?
h
Thug – You had better make sure the fucker doesn’t get off on that shit.

Driver - *laughing* Yeah... he might have a fetish or some shit.

Rat – I highly fucking doubt anyone has an exploding dick fetish.

Thug – I don’t know, there are some pretty sick fucks in this world.

Rat – I don’t care how sick you are. Fireworks in the dick do not an orgasm make. Fireworks down the dick equal either intensive care with several years of counseling or the fucking graveyard.

Driver – Maybe…but he is right. I mean I saw some shit on the internet the other night. There are fuckers who like saline injections and shit.

Rat – Saline injections?

Driver – Yeah, you know, this chick gets this motherfucker hard, right? Then she slaps a cock ring on him and uses a needle to pump saltwater into his bag.

Rat and Driver – JESUS!

Driver – I know right?

Rat – How the hell can you get off with your nuts being marinated in saltwater?

Driver – Like I said, I don’t know…but the guy looked like he was enjoying it.

Rat – And how the hell did you find this wonderful fetish.

Driver – I like to keep tabs, my girlfriends a freak so I like to keep up with shit, you know, in case I see something fun.

Rat – Yeah, well, if I was you motherfucker, I’d keep the screaming scrotum fetish to myself. Christ, take a left up here, I’m ready.

Thug – Sick motherfuckers in the world.

They ride in silence a minute more.

Rat – Ok when we get here, I’m gonna go around back, up the fire escape. You two work your way up; we have to make sure they aren’t waiting on us. When you here me it’s clear, I’ll open the door. After that we wait. Hopefully it won’t come to it, but if it does don’t hesitate to shoot these bastards, k? Cause they certainly won’t mind shooting you.

The van pulls to a stop.

Rat sighs.

Rat – Let’s go.

They get out of the car, fade out.


12 Kung FU Coffee (cont.)

Marvin – Now, once more let me reiterate the fact that I am running this show from now on. I know its repetitious but sometimes I like to make certain that I’m not talking to myself. Am I talking to myself, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey – No…

Marvin – Am I talking to myself, Tulip?

Tulip – No…

Marvin – Good, now once more. Who the fuck is running this show?

Tulip – Jesus Christ, you are!

Marvin – And who is going to keep there head out of their asses?

Geoffrey gritting his teeth – Us.

Marvin – And last but not least, who is going to fuck you harder than a gorilla who has overdosed on Viagra, if said persons heads are found to be lodged in their asses?

Tulip – You will! Goddamnit, we get it, get on with it!

Marvin – Good. I’m glad to see we understand. Now, here’s what we do. Does the building have a fire escape?

Fade out

13 Rats Apartment

Fade in


Rat is coming in from the fire escape when the phone rings. He falls over and scrambles over to it. Answering the phone.

Rat – Hello? Geoffrey? Yeah I know you were here you son of a bitch, and if your thinking about coming back--- what do you mean? Fuck this is fucked up, man. What? Yeah I got a couple of guys, Dan sent them. Ok, the fire escape got it. Sounds good. Hey, Geoffrey, I’m sorry this shit got fucked up man. Yeah. Ok. See you in a bit.

Rat hangs up the phone and walks over knocking on the door three times he opens it.

Thugs 1 and 2 look at him.

Rat grins.

Rat – Guys, this shit just might work.

Fade out.

14 Outside Rats Apartment Building

Geoffrey and Marvin are getting out of the car. Tulip has parked on the street.

Marvin – You remember what I told you. You go up the fire escape, make sure the bastard doesn’t run. I go in the front.

Geoffrey – Yeah yeah… you don’t think he has any help up there do you?

Marvin laughs.

Marvin – I’ve never seen a pothead think that far ahead. Besides, who did I say was calling the shots?

Geoffrey – You…

Marvin – Right, asshole, don’t forget it. Tulip you keep a lookout, we need to get out of here fast, in case there are any altercations.

Tulip – If there are, it will be your stupid ass, Rat doesn’t hurt anyone, remember that, ok?

Marvin smirks. And takes two guns out of his coat.

Marvin – I’ll keep that in mind. You never know though…

Geoffrey disappears around the side, Marvin goes in the front door.

Cut to

Geoffrey climbing in Rats window.

Rat – Christ, you could have at least yelled or something.

Geoffrey – I was too busy trying not to break that damned thing. What the fuck did they build it with? Tin foil?

Rat – Fuck that. What the hell is going on?

Geoffrey flops down on the couch.

Geoffrey – Long story short, there is a shit-load of cash missing, and you’re the one getting all the fucking blame.

Rat – Jesus!

Geoffrey – Don’t blame me, it’s a fucking cruel world. Now the important thing is that no matter what it looks like, as long as we come up with the fucking money it’s all cool.

Rat – That’s the fucking problem.

Geoffrey – What fucking problem?

Rat – There is no damned money!

(Fade to next scene…)

15 Hall outside of Rats Apartment

Marvin comes to the head of the stairs and walks down the hall both guns in hand. He smiles as he stops outside of Rats door, knocking.

Marvin – Might as well open up, I know your in there, come on, all I want to do is talk.

A bat swings down on the back of Marvin’s head.

Thug grabs his legs and begins to drag him.

Marvin screams.

Marvin – Geoffrey! Tulip!

Thug with bat hits him again.

Marvin – Agh! Goddamnit!

Thug drags him into a broom closet, other thug with bat walks in and closes the door.

Sounds of yelling and beating.

16 Inside Rats Apartment

Rat takes his ear away from the door.

Rat – Well, sounds like they’ll be busy for a while.

Geoffrey – The longer the better. Now what the fuck do you mean there is no money?

Rat – I mean that the money in question doesn’t exist!

Geoffrey – What? Stolen?

Rat – No, motherfucker, it never became money. It was drugs and some asshole took them. There never was any money, thus I can’t give you what doesn’t exist!

Geoffrey – Well, who the hell took them?

Rat – One of Dan’s under-aged lovers or some shit. I don’t fuckin’ know. All I know is that I picked up the bag at the normal place. Got home, opened it and happy fucking April Fools, no cash.

Rat flops down in chair and lights a bong.

Geoffrey – Jesus, why the fuck didn’t you tell me?

Rat – Because I was trying to get this shit together. Talked to Dan about it a week ago, he said he’d get on it. Never heard anything back.

Geoffrey – Shit… then there shouldn’t be a problem, all we do is go back to Dick, tell him one of our dealers decided to have an holiday, we made sure he had a wake instead. No fucking problem.

Rat – There is more…

Geoffrey – What?

Rat – Word has it that Dan is getting a little…crazy lately.

Geoffrey – How the hell is that new? He fucks underage boys, that’s already crazy in my book.

Rat – I know, that’s what I said, but I saw him tonight… I can fucking believe it. He’s off man. If things keep going the way they are we are going to have a massive standstill in cash flow.

Geoffrey – Shit… I really need to get back to Dick. The only fucking problem is that piece of shit Marvin is the only one Dick wants to hear from. And said piece of shit is taking on a liquid quality at the hands of those two outside.

Rat – Want me to stop them?

Geoffrey sighs.

Geoffrey – Give them an hour.

Rat – Ok.

Geoffrey picks up the bong and takes a hit.

Fade out
Reading Time 41min: 34sec
HUGE SKIP TO END OF SCRIPT BECAUSE WE ARE LAZY BASTARDS ITS 3AM AND WE ARE REWRITING THIS FUCKER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!
(Edit)

- Big words from a couple of 2-bit thugs for hire.

Marvin - Hey watch yer mouth, ya fuckin’ bitch!

Tulip - I didn't even say anything asshole!

She turns around looking confused.

Marvin - Watch the goddamn road!

The car starts to veer towards a building.

Geoffrey yells something, as the car crashes into a building, passing the bag lady on the way. She stops and stares. Something climbs off the roof of the car as it hits.


(Editing)

"Tsk Tsk...Children and their games..."

He looks out from the panel.

"What? Me? I'm just a figment of your imagination."

His face becomes Tulips, Geoffrey's and Marvin’s then he is gone.

Large picture of the bag lady adding a few clothes, watches and firearms to her cart.