The Other Woman

When did fantasy overcome reality she wondered as she cried sitting in the bathtub with the hot water spraying down on her, the water flowing over her hair and down her back until it dripped onto the bottom of the tub. Her tears mixing with the water running down her forehead and into her eyes, blinking out the tears and the water, she's convinced herself that she doesn't care. That it's all just water from the spray above her. She really doesn't, or does she. Why should she feel hurt? why would she feel betrayed?
After that morning, she groans, oh my god that morning. How could she ever look at him again. After putting herself out there. She's embarrassed, how could she have told him that. She doesn't open up, not about that, never about that.
Her stomach keeps flopping, she feels like she's going to be sick. Not good ontop of her cramps.
She begs and pleads with the great mother to help her. No Pain, No Hurt, make them go away, she chants over and over again until she can barely understand herself. Which one was she asking the great mother to help her with.
She didn't know anymore. She starts repeating the line she always repeats when she's in pain. It makes no sense but it helps, she doesn't know why it does, it just always does.

She decides and makes the effort to pick herself up off the bottom of the bath tub. She goes through the motions of washing and drying herself.

She can feel it, it's starting already. The hardening, the bricks, the layers, the stones..... the wall. It's being built already. She's not sure if she wants it up or not. She tries to stop it, but it keeps on stone ontop of stone. She sings.

She sings to stop them, she sings to help them. She sings to keep from crying. She sings to hide her tears. She sings to get the tears out. She sings to get the emotions to stop churning her belly.
She cries again.

Another brick gets laid ontop.

She cries because when did she lose control of the fantasy, when did the fantasy take over.
How could she let herself get caught up in the fantasy.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this, she thinks to herself after the tears stopped again.

Another stone gets stacked.

God why are you being so stupid, she thinks to herself. You knew it wouldn't happen, never, how could you do this to yourself. You're so goddamned stupid.
He was never ever going to be yours, why would you even entertain the thought, let alone get him involved in it. You just couldn't keep it to yourself. Because of that you let yourself get hurt again.

Another brick goes up.

Stop checking your email, he'll never have time for you again. Sing your sappy tear filled songs, cry. It won't do anything to help that burning brick in your chest. Does it?

Another stone gets put in place.

Hear that? that's a reality check. She listens closely and hears it, her posture slumps. She hangs her head and gives it a sad little shake.
That's right, you hear it. It was never you. How could you tear the beautiful wall down? It took us so long to build it!
You had to go and put your heart into some stupid fantasy, well maybe you'll have learnt this time.
She sighs.

Another brick is added to the pile.

We told you not to do it again. Every few years ya just have to do something stupid don't you?
She hums. She hums the song that always comforts her. The song that asks for strength. Strength to continue. Strength to deal with another break.
Ya thought this one would be different didn't you?
She sniffs and her chin starts to quiver. She tenses her lip so it doesn't follow suit.

Another stone gets stacked.

She hears the song again. The one on her playlist that is it. The one. She doesn't want to hear it. She can't bring herself to turn it off.
You like torturing yourself don't you? You need to keep your ass in reality.
She nods. A tear escapes the blink. It rolls lonely down her cheek. But he said, she starts to say but never finishes.
Hey! he tried to tell you and you just went off into your little la la land fantasy world and refused to listen to the fact that, he wasn't nor would he be yours.
She nods sadly. She tries to keep herself from crying. She bites her bottom lip.

The song starts again.

She hangs her head. She tries to sing it. The words are choked out by little sobs. She stops and shakes her head.
Never again, she thinks to herself, Never again.

The last brick gets placed on the last stone.

She sighs, and turns out the light. Puts the camera away.
Can she do it this time, she wonders to herself.

She puts on her smile and answers his email and makes herself sound normal.