A trip

A/N: If you read it and perhaps wonder why I chose that title... it's the situation these words came to me... I simply was on a trip which made me...think... and come up with this little non-sense story X3
As usual: I'd be glad if you pointed out the mistakes you might find. Just e-mail me and I'll fix it ^___^

---------------------

She let her eyes take in the surroundings.
Emerald...jade... dozens of shades of green, sparkling... a myriad of colours...
A sigh leaving her red lips.
The lake shimmered in those colours, shifting, changing with the waves, with the sun kissing the moving water...
Nothing...
The breeze pulling at dark strands of hair was a cooling sensation on her pale skin, not touched by summer sun.
Her feet were dangling down the side of the ship.
Nothing...
She blinked once...twice... but nothing changed in her insides.
She tried... tried really hard, but still...
The only thing she seemed to feel was...annoyance.
Smacking, slurping sounds disturbing the almost-silence on the ship...
She detested the couple next to her, with their kissing, with their obvious happiness.
But even that...
Only touching the surface, nothing too deep...
Her ice-wall was well in place, built over years of disappointment and pain...locked up deep inside of her all the emotions she couldn't cope with.
Safe behind the ice.
So safe she herself couldn't touch it.
Not even if she tried as hard as now.
Nothing...
She felt... dead.
Even surrounded by all that dazzling beauty... there was still....
Nothing...
It didn't reach deep down into her core.
Not the beauty nor the kindness and love of others...
It just wasn't enough...
And with each day passing she felt as if another piece of her died.
Nothing can survive in the cold for too long.
Not even if she created it herself.

Sometimes she had clung to the pain, being the only thing proving that she was still alive, still breathing, still existing...
But she gave up on that...
Perhaps a mistake?
She didn't know...
And now that she didn't cling to it anymore.... she lost that part of herself, too.
Nothing...
She would lose every shard of the picture that was “her”, piece after piece, and she didn't know how to stop it.
Nothing...
She forgot how to cry.
No tears would come...
Neither the salty liquid nor the oh so sweet crimson tears.
Everything just went on and on and she floated through it, a spectator who had no part in it.
“It”?
“It” was “life”.
If she thought of the past there was... pain.
Wounds in her heart that didn't seem to heal back then... now they were frozen...
She could look at that pain without feeling it...like looking through a looking-glass at something that was far far away. As if it had never been part of her.
If she thought of the future... there was...
Nothing...
Blankness.
She couldn't imagine the future.
Oh sure... she thought about doing this and that... and she told the people around her what she would do in the future.
But still... there was a picture of a future with one piece missing: herself.
It was a big dark space with nothing in it and no one noticed.
It was the place the picture of her future self should be.
But she had no idea what she could be like then.
The thought of being run over by a truck seemed more... vivid to her than one of her going to university...or having a job... or having someone who was closest to her heart.

It was worst when she thought about that.
There was just no one who deserved having to cope with someone like her.
She didn't wish it on anyone.
She knew she was difficult.
Knew she separated herself from others, that it was alone her doing.
But still.... she couldn't do anything to change that fact...
Nothing...

It was the only word she could think of that described her that well... that described her inner world, her life, her emotions...just everything about her...
Nothing.