Love

Awake in sleepless revelry, as I close my eyes I see the nightmare nfold before me. I open them to see the pictures fade, holding the chilled glass in my hand as I stare into nothingness. The cold fazes me no longer as I become numb with thought of your death.

My heart is now an empty void and I killed you. Killed you with the love that I couldn’t control, so I tried to control you. And smothered you with it.

I look at the needles beside me as the tears roll down my eyes. Picking one up, I know nothing. I’m there but not there, alone, yet not alone as the memory of you still haunts me, my love, my soul, my heart.

There is a poison in these. A drug that is the poison and I hold it to my breast, kissing the needle before stabbing it into my arm. Still yet, I feel nothing, for without you, I am nothing.

The slush of fluid rushing into my veins cause me to gasp and clench my hand into a fist, feeling only a little bit of a rush now.

I’ve already made my decision. It’s going to end tonight. I’ll make it all end tonight. The pain, the confusion, the dream. Dream and reality mixing together so there is now no clear view from what is real and what is just a creation of my own imagination.

Standing slowly, I put down the glass, feeling the sweat dripping off of it into my hand. The strong smell of whisky on my breath would make anyone buzzed, but no one was here with me to share my pain. A pain that I alone had created.

Going to the room we had once shared, I see the blade. A beautiful, shining glint that seems to give me peace.

Reaching for it, I feel the coolness of steel, caressing it the way I had once caressed you. That reminder caused an ache in me.

I put the blade to my wrist and close my eyes as I feel the pressure against the thin skin. Then blood trickles down my hand as I carve deep into my body, tears and sweat mingling with it as it drains into the sink.

Lightheaded, I watch myself in the mirror, noting the palled look of my face. The callowness of it, making me look old and haggard, instead of the once handsome man I used to be.

And I learn that the saying is true. Life truly does flash before a man’s eyes as they die. I slump the floor, blood pooling from my slit wrists…something so feminine about it…the blood. So beautiful and pure. Unlike me, but more like you my love. You’re in heaven and I know that I will be going to hell. But even though I know this, I see your beautiful face, smiling down upon me and feel a tender kiss upon my brow. Then darkness overcomes me.

Everyone tells me that there is a light. There is no light for me. Just pure, comforting darkness. My hearing and sense of smell becomes stronger and I can hear my fading heartbeat. And your voice. I smell the scent of you lingering in the room, just as your laughter rings in my head. Silent, ghostly laughter. So soft. So beautiful. My love.