Touru to Shidou/Touru and Shidou

~*~*~*~Touru

I know who I should be. I also know who I want to be. But, there are also the people I need to be. It’s a frustrating situation when there are three or more people trying to express themselves at the same time. At such times, I don’t know what to say or what to do. I freeze when I should act, tension, uncertainty, fear closing my throat, binding my hands more effectively than their physical counterparts ever could.

I would like to think I was brave, decisive, knowing what I want and going after it unhesitantly. And, part of me is that way. But, a lot of people see me as shy, uncertain, tentative, a child in need of guidance and protection. Part of me wants to meet their expectations. Part of me is brilliant, eloquent, always knowing the right things to say. I like this part. Unfortunately, I tend to trip over my words, confusing ones I should know, failing miserably to express the simplest of ideas.

When I dream, I am graceful and witty, charming. I dream I am the person I want to be, the person I know I can be. I walk into a room and those select few I allow close approach me, one at a time, never leaving me wanting for companionship but never overwhelming me with too many people surrounding me at once. Our conversations range from trivial to deep. It’s nice.

But, when I’m awake, I get in my way, my hands and feet too large, my limbs uncoordinated. My tongue remains tied and I hold up a wall, watching as people mingle with each other, wanting to join in, but not knowing how to approach them. I am home in my dreams, seeking them out when I can.

~*~*~*~Shidou

He is quiet, a dreamer. I’d been watching him, wondering how to approach him. He always seemed so tense when people talk to him. It took a bit, but I found out he is a writer. He publishes his works online. They’re amazing pieces. No matter what subject he broaches, he deals with it with a sure touch. I have come to respect him and want to get to know him. We’ve exchanged a couple of emails and even IM’ed with each other. His humor always leaves me breathless from laughter. His comments make me reconsider some of my own opinions. At the dance, he stood by the wall. He looked uncomfortable in his skin and I wondered at it. I looked at him, focusing on his overall appearance. He looked rough, unfinished, as if he didn’t know how to display himself. His eyes were full of dreams most of the time and longing when he looked at the room. The more I looked, the more I felt compelled to approach him.

His eyes were dreamy when I reached him so I leaned next to him, waiting until he came back to this reality from where ever he had gone. When his eyes rested on me, he looked so startled to see someone watching him. I smiled, trying to put him at ease and hold out my hand. “Hi, I’m Pilos,” I said, giving him my online name. I saw recognition in his eyes as they grew wider, his hand slowly making its way to mine, “But you can call me Shidou.”

He was blushing when he took my hand. He was trembling, his voice shaky, “I usually go by Touru.” His voice was soft, barely reaching my ears. I think it’s a nice voice, but I needed to hear more.

“Pleased to meet you in person.” I grinned at him. His face relaxed into a shy smile. I let myself look at him, taking in details now. His hair was a wild tangle of sandy blonde curls that cover the tips of his ears. His eyes are amazing, though. Long lashes surrounding crystal green. His nose is small, a little upturned at the end, his lips full. His features look more as if they belong on a girl. I’ve never felt drawn to a guy before. It’s weird.

~*~*~*~Touru

Pilos is here? He’s one of the few people I’ve allowed to contact me after they left me a comment about my writing. He’s one of those from my dreams, confident, smiling. He wants to talk to me? We’ve had good conversations online. I’ve even seen him around campus. The school is small. I can’t help but smile when he grins at me. He is just charming. He is also rather attractive. Straight brown hair, lightened at his crown, cut long on top, shorter underneath, so it hangs lazily in his hazel eyes. He looked at me so intently, I felt myself blushing, looking away as I said, “Pleased to meet you, Shidou.” I liked how his name felt him my mouth. I had long ago realized I preferred guys to girls and he was handsome, meeting my ideals. I never thought I had a chance with him.

“Hey,” he said suddenly, “why don’t we get out of here? We could grab a bite to eat or something.”

My heart sought to choke me. I couldn’t make myself speak so I nodded, following him out of the dance I didn’t know why I attended in the first place. Just outside the gym, he paused, turning to me, “I drove, what about you?”

I shrugged, “Walked.” It was all I could do to afford to pay rent at the boarding house. I couldn’t afford a car.

He grinned again, “Trust me to drive? I mean, we’ve never met before.” His voice trailed off into laughter.

I was beginning to relax under his humor. He had the same wit online. I felt myself grin at him, “Hmmm, I may need references.”

To my surprise, he looked around, his eyes landing on a discarded flyer on the floor. He walked over and scooped it up, proffering it to me with a bow, “Your reference, sir.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

His laughter was payment enough for the stunt. He stifled his laugher and looked at the paper. “Hmmm,” the sound soft in his throat, “a little dated, but I suppose it will work.”

I grinned at him, grabbing his hand, ignoring the startled expression. He was fun, just like he was online. I’m sure, when we’re in the booth of where ever we go, our conversation will be just like our chats. I know they will. This shyness wasn’t the real Touru!

I felt him shrug before he followed me willingly. I looked back at him and he gave me a confused grin. “Where do you want to go?” I asked.

He blushed, stammering a little, “Anywhere they put meat and cheese between bread.”

I laughed, “Sounds good to me.” I didn’t let go of his hand, though. I don’t know why I kept his hand, or even grabbed it in the first place, but it felt good. We got to my car, a beat up old Chevy held together with chewing gum and string. I suddenly felt self conscious. “Sorry for the mess,” I muttered as I let go of his hand to unlock the door for him.

“Don’t stress it,” his voice banished the mess to the land of the trivial and managed to make me feel he cared more for me than the state of my car.

Warmth touched my cheeks as I held the door for him. He bowed at me, his lips quirked but it was too dark for me to see his eyes. He slid in and I closed the door.

As I walked around the car to let myself in, a couple of other guys were staring at me. I frowned, my step faltering as I continue around the car.

~*~*~*~Touru

I reached over to unlock his door, my eyes following him around the car. I saw his steps falter and I lifted myself enough to see where he was looking. My stomach dropped. They had seen us. They had seen him hold my hand. They knew about me. They tried to forcefully change my preference. I still had the scars from their attempts. I curled in on myself. Maybe he didn’t know, but I’d have to tell him. Then, he wouldn’t want to be with me. He wouldn’t want to be my friend or anything else. He slipped into his seat but I didn’t look at him.

“Not having second thoughts, are you?” Shidou asked me

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “No,” I say softly, “but you might.”

“Why would I?” he asked, the sound making me thing he’d turned to face me. I didn’t want to look at him just yet.

“You know I’m gay, don’t you?” I mumbled, the words barely leaving my mouth.

He was silent so long, I reached for the handle. “I don’t care,” he finally said.

I looked at him, surprised. “They’ll think you are, too.”

He shrugged, “Doesn’t matter. I like you. I want to be your friend.” I stammered, unsure what to say. He continued, “I like talking to you online. I wanted a chance to talk to you.”

I let my lips twitch, “Sounds like you’re hitting on me.”

I could see his surprise, even in the dim light. He began stammering, but before I could apologize, he managed to say, “I don’t know. I never thought about it before.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

Gods! Was I hitting on him? I really hadn’t thought about it before. I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. I looked over at him at the stop light and he looked liked he was trying to disappear into the seat. “Hey,” I said, “I know I like you as a person, or what I know about you from online. I’ve never given much thought to being more than friends with a guy. Can we start with friends and see if anything develops from there?”

Instead of looking relieved or anything, he curls in on himself, looking away from me. He mutters something and as I press on the gas in response to the changed light, I said, “I didn’t catch that.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn to me, color visible on his cheeks even under the flickering yellow of the street lights. He was angry. “What happens when you freak out? You’re gonna reach a point where you go, ‘Oh, my god, he’s gay! What if it rubs off onto me?’”

Confused, I pull into the nearest parking lot, conveniently an all night diner. I stop the car and look at him, “Hey! I don’t care that you’re gay. I like you. I like the way you write, the way you think. No matter what, I want to at least be your friend!”

He laughed bitterly, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have agreed to come.”

I frowned at him as he turns to the door. “It doesn’t open from the inside,” I say automatically before asking, “Why not?”

He stopped struggling with the door and leaned his forehead against it. I waited, giving him time to frame his answer. “You know how people have their dream mate?” He lifted his head, staring out the window a moment before looking at his hands. “Pilos is my dream mate. He’s confident, smart, sarcastic, funny. He’s the kind of guy I want to be with.” I am stunned, but he’s not finished. He turned to me, “You are also my physical ideal. Do you understand? You’re the type of person I will fall in love with.” He collapsed into the seat like he was trying to shrink away into insignificance.

~*~*~*~Touru

I can’t believe I just said those things. I can’t believe I told him I’m falling for him. I mutter, “If you’ll let me out…” but he cut me off.

“We can go eat.” My head came up in surprise. He was grinning at me. I blinked, my jaw feeling loose. “Look, I don’t know about more than friends, but would you be okay with that? If nothing else?”

“You…you’re not going to freak on me?” I asked, my voice uncertain.

“If I were going to do that, I would have done it already. But, you didn’t answer my question. If I can’t be more than your friend and you love me, are you going to be okay just being friends?”

I stared at him, amazed. I knew he was confident, but this… Suddenly, I grin at him, “Are we gonna date or just hang out?”

He laughed and sounded genuinely relieved at my answer, “Who cares, just so long as I get to know you better.” He stopped laughing and I could see his cheeks darken. “Let’s call this a date and see how it goes.”

Before I can say anything, he is out of the car, opening my door for me. We’re at the diner I work at. I had the night off or I wouldn’t have been at the dance.

“Hey, Touru, thought you were off tonight,” the manager greeted me.

Shidou wrapped his arm around my waist and I looked at him, surprised. “Nah, we’re just out on a date.” I felt my jaw fall open like an idiot’s. The manager’s eyes were on me. I could feel them but I wasn’t going to look at him. Shidou continues, “Your best table, please.”

The manager laughed. I don’t think he believed Shidou. I can’t believe he did that. His arm was still around my waist and my heart was pounding wildly in my chest. The manager led us to a table in the back, his expression showing that maybe he was beginning to believe him and wasn’t sure what to think about it. I wasn’t helping any, I know. I felt my cheeks were hot.

~*~*~*~Shidou

He was blushing as he sat across from me. Just looking at his face, it’s easy to forget he’s a guy. But, when he spoke, his voice was definitely masculine, smooth, deep. I grinned at his discomfort. “Told you, we’d call this a date.” I leaned forward, my elbows on the table, “So, Touru, tell me about yourself, your family, other hobbies, favorite color.”

He looked at the table, looking more uncomfortable, and from more than just embarrassment. Before I could say anything, he said, “Grey, like the sky over the ocean before a storm at sunrise or sunset. My other hobbies are singing and photography. I sing bass or baritone, depending on what is needed more.” He paused, finally looking me in the eye again. There was pain clouding his green eyes. “My family…they…two years ago, they…were killed.”

The world fell out from under me and I scrambled for anything. “Shit,” my mouth said. I ran my hand through my hair, “Man, I’m so sorry. Now I get why you freaked about me leaving you. If…if you want to talk, I’m here. Is that why you work?” I shouldn’t have asked that. Foot, meet mouth.

“Yeah,” his voice was soft. “They caught the guy right away.” He shook his head, his elbows resting on the table, his hands holding his arms, looking at the table. “My parents had picked up my sister from soccer practice.” His lips twitched, “She was a tomboy and I’m into ‘girlie’ things. Our parents would sometimes tease that we’d been put in the wrong bodies.” He sighed, looking over my shoulder, “She was my twin.”

Gods, could this story get worse? My chest was so tight I could hardly breathe. He continued, looking at me a moment before his eyes went to the window again. “The guy was so stoned he died an hour after he killed them.” His voice was harsh, vicious. He took a breath. “I moved here to live with relatives, but they couldn’t handle me being gay. The day I turned eighteen, I was out.”

~*~*~*~Touru

His expression was so openly honest. There was no pity there, just pain and compassion. I shrugged, “I went to a counselor. My relatives insisted, saying it was to help me get over my grief. But, really, they were trying to make me straight, like I had a choice about what I like in another person.” I sighed and opened the menu. I didn’t need to. I knew exactly what I would have. It was more to give him a chance to process everything I’d just dumped on him. Why did I do that? It really wasn’t like me.

“Purple,” he said suddenly. “Purple so dark it’s almost black. I play basketball and piano. My family’s a bit odd.” I looked at him and he gave a lopsided grin. “You answered, why shouldn’t I? Anyways, as I was saying, my family’s odd. I’m the only child. My mom has a girlfriend. My dad has a boyfriend. We all live together in a two bedroom condo so it gets really uncomfortable if anyone’s fighting with anyone else, but we’ve been a family all my life.”

I was amazed. “People don’t…Don’t people…do stuff…to your dad…for…for having a boyfriend?”

His eyes hardened, “Who’s hurt you?”

My eyes widened and I stammered, “I…I…what do you mean?”

He’s angry, his broad shoulders tensed, his chest larger than it was before. He wasn’t a huge person, well built, but in his anger, he looked menacing. I shrank into the seat. His voice was a growl when he spoke again, “I won’t ask now, but if they ever touch you again…” His threat was so dire, it didn’t need words. I watched him take a couple of breaths before calming again. He spoke again, his words surprising me, “I look forward to seeing where our relationship goes, Touru. No matter what, I think it’ll be good for both of us.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

Touru’s expression was priceless. I was shocked to at the strength of my reaction at his pathetic attempt to throw me off what the punks did to him. I turned to the waitress who has been afraid to approach us and smiled at her. “It’s okay, I don’t bite.”

Touru looked over his shoulder, “Hey, Schele.”

Schele smiled. She was cute, long dirty blonde hair bound up in a bouncy pony tail that moved when she walked, very blue eyes, nice features, curves in all the right places. I looked at Touru. Somehow he just appealed to me more. I grinned at him, “Know what you want?”

He gave me a wry look before turning to Schele, “Cheeseburger, medium, nothin’ on it, onion rings and iced tea.”

I closed the menu, “Make it two.” Schele double checked our order and left us. I propped my elbows up on the back of the booth, regarding Touru. I need to know why he appealed to me more than Schele did. He has a nice face, his body thin, almost too thin under his loose clothing. He squirmed and I realized I’d been staring at him. “Sorry, Touru,” I muttered, moving my elbows onto the table.

“What were you thinking about?” he asked softly, his cheeks red.

I looked down at the table, “Why are you more appealing than Schele when she’s my type?” I looked up to see him blushing bright red.

“Don’t say things like that,” he muttered, looking away from me.

“Why not? It’s how I feel, what I think.”

~*~*~*~Touru

How he feels? Dear gods, is he falling for me, too? No, that can’t be. “Because you’ll make me thing you’re falling for me,” I said, challenging him, defying him, daring him. I hope…I’m so afraid to hope, though.

He looked at me thoughtfully a long time and I began to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. I shifted and he then seemed to realize he’d been staring at me. “Maybe I am. Like I said, I never considered the possibility before, but I’m not opposed to it. How could I be with my family?”

I stared at him, “Don’t say such things unless you mean them.”

Before he could answer me, Schele arrived with our dinner. She winked at me as she set down our plates and glasses of tea. “Boss man said it’s on the house since you don’t take advantage of your freebies when you’re here, Touru.”

Heat flooded my face. “Thanks, Schele,” I muttered.

“Just don’t be stingy with the tip,” she groused.

When I looked at her again she grinned at me and then turned a snarl on Shidou. “Boss man said you were on a date, too. You hurt him and I’ll make you regret it, dig?”

Shidou looked at her seriously, “If I hurt him, you’ll be in a line to hurt me. I’ll want to hurt me, too.”

Schele looked at him, surprised, “Wow, I thought the boss man was teasing me. You really are on a date?”

“Yeah, we’re really on a date,” he answered her.

She looked at him appraisingly a long moment, “I know your dad, I think. That lawyer, right?”

“One of them, yes,” Shidou answered. I wondered if he meant on of the lawyers or one of the guys in his family. How does one refer to them?

~*~*~*~Shidou

I looked back at Touru. He looked so confused, hopeful and afraid. When Schele left us to our food and each other, I said, “Hey.”

He looked up at me, “Yeah?”

“Whatcha thinkin’?”

He sighed, picking up an onion ring and folding it in half before blowing on it and biting it. He finished the onion ring before he sat back, wiping his fingers on the paper napkin. “You…you confuse me. I tell you you’re what I want in a mate, and you ask about being friends, if I’m okay with that. Your dad has a boyfriend and you haven’t thought about being more than friends with a guy. You say things that make me think you want to be more than friends, but you still aren’t sure, are you?”

I copied his actions, sitting back to eat an onion ring. I need to figure it out. He’s right. I shouldn’t give him such mixed messages. I finished the onion ring, though it’s almost too hot. I looked down and picked up my tea before speaking, “I hadn’t thought about it before. I’m not thinking. I’m just acting. I already know I like you.” I looked up, the expression in his eyes so careful, “I think I might more than like you, but I’m not sure. It’s not that you’re a guy. That wouldn’t bother me. It’s a matter of me figuring out how I do feel, not if I’m okay with us being both guys, y’know?”

His eyes were intent on me, as if trying to read my mind or something. “What does that mean for us?” he asked, his voice tense.

I look down at my plate a moment, “Well,” I look up at him, smiling, “would you like to go out with me?”

~*~*~*~Touru

I think my heart stopped. “W-w-what?” I squeaked.

He grinned at me, “Would you like to go out with me?”

A dream. This had to be a dream. There’s no other explanation. “You really want to?”

His grin faltered, “I asked, didn’t I?”

“Oh, it’s not that I didn’t believe you,” I said in a rush. “It’s…it’s… This isn’t a dream, is it? I’m not going to wake up and find I dreamed this, am I?”

He reached across the table and pinched the back of my hand. “Ow!”

“You’re not dreaming.” He rubbed my hand in apology, looking at our hands. I looked at our hands, too.

“Yeah,” I said after watching him, feeling him continue to rub my hand longer than needed to apologize. My whole body felt warm, starting from where he’s touching me.

He looked at me and tried to grin, “Good, I’m glad.” He lifted my hand from the table and while I watched, confused, and kissed it.

My cheeks were hot, burning, as I looked down at my plate. “I get a second date, then, right?” he asked. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. He lets go of my hand and I look up. “Are you off next Wednesday?”

I frowned a moment, “Yeah. I normally work weekends. I’m just off tonight ‘cause I switched with Schele. I’m working her swing tomorrow.”

He smiled at me. “I’ll have to thank her then.” I smiled at him and he continued. “After school Wednesday, I’ll meet you by the gym, then?”

“Yeah, okay.” I was excited, nervous, happy, scared.

“Wanna go to a movie after this?” he said, eating another onion ring.

I grinned. How cliché. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Yeah, I know it’s cliché,” he laughed.

“At least you admit it,” I countered grinning.

“I mean it, though. I like you. Even if all we end up with is that, that means a lot to me.” His eyes were so full of…I don’t know, but I felt myself blushing again.

“I like you, too,” I mumble, looking at my plate again.

“Good. Now, let’s eat.” I lift my chin a little and he grins at me, his cheeseburger in his hand, almost to his mouth. He lowered the sandwich to grin at me before taking a larege bite. It’s kinda cute.

The rest of the meal, we talked about movies, school, teachers, normal stuff. It was a dream. I was eloquent, once I started talking. It took me a little bit to recover from my shock of suddenly having a fantasy come true. He didn’t tease me very much.

~*~*~*~Shidou

Wow. Just wow. I have a boyfriend. Oh, wow. He’s a little shy at first, but once he calmed down, he’s just like he was online. It’s so cool. I felt rotten about his family, but it’s easy for me to forget. I know it’s not so easy for him. Maybe someday I’ll get to know, but until he tells me, I won’t ask. We’re finishing off our onion rings when I asked him, “Is there a movie you wanted to see?”

He blushed, “Well, y’know that…” he muttered something.

“Oh, don’t go shy on me again!”

He lifted his chin, “I wanna go see what would normally be called a chick flick.”

I tipped my head, “Don’t make me do that yawning gig if I want to put my arm over your shoulder and I’ll go to what ever you want to see.”

He looked at me thoughtfully, his cheeks red. “I think I can cope with that.” We stood, and I tossed a ten on the table for the tip before wrapping my arm around him again. He startled a little, so I tease, “Hey, we’re on a date, I get to hold you if I want.” I turn to face him, he top of his ear level with my lips and whisper, “Besides, if your own boyfriend can’t do this, then who can?” The ear turned bright red.

Slowly, he turned to face me, a bemused grin on his face, “My own boyfriend?” His grin grew, “I don’t care if this is a dream. It’s the best dream I’ve ever had.”

“I could pinch you again.”

He leaned his head against my shoulder, “No, no, that’s okay. If it’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up and if it’s not, you pinch hard.”

We’re just outside the restaurant and I turned to him, “Well, I kissed it. Isn’t it better now? Do you want me to kiss some place else?” Did I just say that?

He looked away before I could see his expression, mumbling, “No, it’s okay. It’s better now.”

“Touru? What is it?” I was confused. I didn’t really think he’d let me, but the tone of his voice sounded like when he talked about his family. “C’mon.” I walked him to the car and leaned against it, holding his shoulder to my chest. “Tell me what’s wrong, please.”

He turned and leaned against me, his hand on my chest. He took a deep breath and began, “My parents knew I was gay.”

~*~*~*~Touru

It made no sense to tell him, but I did anyways. He was probably going to rethink the whole going out thing, but being held….it’d been so long since anyone held me. “My parents knew,” I repeated. “The day…the day they were killed, they had dropped me off for a choir concert and my boyfriend was with them. He went with them to pick up my sister. My parents liked him, so did my sister. They were all going to come to the concert after…”

His arms tightened around me, one holding my head, the other around my waist. He just stood there, holding me, letting me talk. “After, we were gonna go out for his birthday.” I could feel the tears in my eyes, the sobs in my chest. “He…he kissed me just before they left…it was our first kiss…my first kiss.” I couldn’t stop the sobs, I couldn’t. He held me, caressing my head, letting me cry. I don’t know how long I cried or anything, I just know he held me and caressed my head, occasionally nuzzling against my hair with his cheek. He didn’t say anything, though. I guess he didn’t know what to say. What can you say, really?

When I finally felt drained, exhausted and that no more tears would come, he whispered, “That bastard really took a lot away from you.” I nodded against his chest, not really having the strength to speak. My eyes were heavy and it felt good to be held. He caressed my hair some more before he spoke again, “I bet you’re exhausted, aren’t you?” I nodded, pushing myself away from the comfort of his chest to look at him. “Why don’t I take a rain check on the movie, then? Let you go home and sleep?”

I started to feel afraid. He’s going to abandon me. But, before I could think more than that, he pulled me into a tight hug, squeezing the air out of me. “Rain check, and we still have a date Wednesday.”

I relaxed, letting myself wilt against him. “Thank you,” I whispered.

“For what?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“For…for letting me tell you things and still wanting to hang out with me.”

He pulled me away from his chest a little, his hand lifted my chin so that I’m looking into his eye, “Look, this may sound wrong, but just now…it makes me want to spend more time with you, okay?”

I blinked and “huh?” fell out of my mouth.

He let go of my chin and put his hand on my shoulder. “I said it would sound wrong. I like you, Touru. I want to get to know you. All of you, not just the cool person I know online, but even this person, the one with so much pain. I want to know you, okay?”

~*~*~*~Shidou

The conflict between hope and fear in his eyes tore me apart, but after a little bit, he smiled at me. Not much of a smile, but the corners of his mouth went up and his eyes softened, “Okay,” he said. My heart almost choked me with relief.

I caressed his cheek again, an odd mix of softness and stubble. I kinda like it. “Let’s get you home so you can rest some, okay?” I don’t think he knew we’d been in the parking lot for almost two hours. The manager came out at one point to see if everything was okay. I waved at him and motioned with my chin for him to leave us alone. He watched a moment and then nodded at me, returning to the restaurant.

He stepped away from me and it felt weird to not be holding him. “It’s easier to walk to where I live from here, if you don’t mind.”

I reached for his hand. “As long as you let me escort you, the mode of transportation is optional,” I teased him. He smiled shyly and ducked his head as he turned to lead me to the back of the restaurant. We went maybe three hundred yards when he stopped in front of what looks like a flop house. It didn’t look very good in the dark. I hoped it looked better in the day. “Here,” he muttered, looking down at the sidewalk.

I lifted his chin to get him to look at me again, “Hey, don’t worry about anything. Nothing is going to make me change my mind about you, okay?”

He gave me a long look, one that felt like it reached through to my very soul, “You are falling for me, aren’t you?”

I’m shocked, frankly. I guess…I guess I was. “So what if I am? It’s a pleasant journey.” I lift the hand I still held to my lips. I know now how much real kissing means to him. There’s a lot of emotional baggage attached to that simple gesture that I wasn’t ready for just yet, and neither was he. But, I kissed the back of his hand, “Good night. I’ll see you online or in school, okay?” He nodded silently, his cheeks dark in the dim light. He turned and walked up to the door, looking at me and waving before he went in.

With a sigh, I turned and went back to my car.

~*~*~*~Touru

I was glad no one was awake when I got back. When I locked my door behind me, I looked in the small mirror over my dresser. My eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, dried tears still on my cheeks. I went to the closet sized bathroom and washed my face, leaning against the wall when I was finished. He wanted to be with me? Shidou. I couldn’t have picked someone more like my ideal if I’d ordered them from a catalogue or something.

I shook my head and left the tiny room to undress for bed, taking off everything except my boxers. I didn’t like looking at my body in the mirror. I had scars just over the elastic of my under shorts. They were from a couple of different places. One of my relatives thought I was gay because there was a demon in my belly, so she’d taken me to her church and they’d cut me to let out the demon. The others, though, those were from the guys at the school. There were some very low. They thought that if I was gay, then they could just take off my penis and make me a girl. Luckily, a cop came by and stopped them before they got much farther than cutting my abdomen. My relatives refused to press charges and I was a minor and couldn’t. Somehow, the case never got farther. I don’t know if the school even knew about it.

I sat down at my computer to check my email when I looked at the back of my hand. Shidou had kissed me there twice like some silly romantic movie gimmick. I rubbed my hand against my cheek and smiled. I looked at my email inbox and there was nothing that really couldn’t wait until later to deal with and I was tired, so I shut off the monitor and crawled into bed.

My cheek rested on the back of my hand again. With my eyes closed, I went over the whole night again. I sighed as I was almost asleep. It’d been a long time since I felt so accepted.

~*~*~*~Shidou

I drove home automatically. I was almost glad and almost upset to see Dad, Pop, and Mom up when I got home. Before they said anything, though, Mama came in the room. “You’re home awfully late,” she commented, moving to sit next to Mom on the couch.

No escaping it, so I sat on the chair across the room, “Dance was dull, went on a date instead.” I grinned, suddenly wanting to tell them about it. “Y’know Thalin? I’ve told you about him.”

“The writer you like to read so much?” Pop said.

“Yeah. I met him tonight, in person. I didn’t intent to, but we went out on a date.” I grinned at them again, “He’s sweet, funny, everything.” I faltered, “He told me about his family. They were killed two years ago…his parents and his twin.” I sighed before adding, “And his boyfriend. But, he’s said we could go out, and he’s coming over Wednesday.” I raised my chin and defied them to argue.

Mom was smiling at me, well they all were, but she spoke, “You invited him for your birthday?”

I blushed. I didn’t invite a lot of people over because they thought my family was weird. “Yeah.”

Mom leaned against Dad’s shoulder, “I think our boy is in love.”

Mama leaned against Mom, “Yes, I think our boy is falling hard for Thalin…What is his real name?”

Dad let his head go to Mom’s head, “Yep, looks that way.”

Papa leaned against Dad, “It’s cute, isn’t it.”

“If you don’t stop teasing, I’ll take Touru somewhere else on Wednesday!”’

Mama laughed, “We’ll behave while he’s here.”

I flopped back in the chair, “Yeah, sure.” I knew better than to believe that.

Dad got serious then, “He lost his family?”

“Yeah, and his relatives had problems with him being gay. His parents didn’t. His boyfriend was with his parents when they were killed.” I shifted a little uncomfortably in the chair, “He cried. I don’t think he’s been allowed to cry since they died. He cried for almost two hours while I held him.” I looked at the floor, any shine left on the night tarnishing.

Mama sat next to me on the arm of the chair, her arms around my shoulder. “Email him and let him know you still want to be with him.”

“I told him that,” I muttered.

“Tell him again. It won’t hurt.” She ran her hand through my hair when I looked at her. “Just be yourself, Shidou. It’ll work out.”

I stood and hugged each of them before going to my room. There, I wrote a short note and send it to him before tossing my clothes in the hamper and crawling into bed. As I fell asleep, I could see his eyes and feel his skin. I gave a soft grunt just before I was asleep. Maybe I was falling in love. Who knows?


A/N: I normally write fanfic...so it\'s a little odd not to have to add a disclaimer here. I like pretty notes so please leave one, especially since this is my first time writing completely original characters. Oh, hey...I get to say they\'re MINE :D lol