Unrealistic

Unrealistic
(This fic is all mine so please, no copycats.)

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

McKenzie grimaced. He had been forced to shoot a murder suspect today. Idiot had been holding a hostage. An 8 year-old kid. But they had let him go home early so he got to spend some extra time with his girl, Leeza. There had been some trouble in paradise before. He had found out she had slept with another guy. ‘Mac, baby. I was drunk and I missed you sooo much.’ He had forgiven her. But he still had a sore spot where that whole thing was concerned.

Mac frowned; Leeza must be finishing her shower. He smiled at the thought of her wet and sweaty from a shower. But when he walked in Leeza was in the bedroom lying on the bed with the look on her face. The ‘I-Just-Had-A-Mind-Blowing-Non-Self-Induced-Orgasm’ look, as he called it. When she saw him fear registered for a moment. He immediately stomped into their bathroom, the bathroom she had begged him for. Beautiful sunken marble tub, glass stall shower, twin sinks, it was wonderful and he was still was making payments. He talked as he stepped up to the shower. “Happy Valentines Day! Guess what? They let me off work early!” Leeza chased him.

“Mac!?! What are you-?” He opened the stall to confirm and damn it; there was some guy in his shower. The guy looked shocked. “Baby I can explain-“

He ignored her and addressed the naked guy, “Let me guess. You didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” The guy shook his head, dazed; Mac tossed him a towel. “Put on some clothes so when I through you out I don’t blind the neighbors.” He turned to Leeza. “Pack up. I’m kicking you out, too.” For a moment he allowed himself to enjoy the stunned look on her face.

“Baby, you don’t mean that.” Naked Guy was dressing.

“Yeah, I do. Now pack or I can ship everything to you later.” She had her own house so he wasn’t really worried.

“Your just angry. Let me explain I-“ Same ole Leeza.

“Nope.” He picked her up fireman style and plopped her out the door despite her Banshee shrieking. “Sorry I ruined the afterglow but…”

“I understand. Dude, if I’d have known I wouldn’t have-“ Previously Naked Guy shook his head. “Sorry.” Then he walked out and dragged Leeza down the hall with him.

“They better have left some beer.” He had expected it but it still hurt. Not a thing had been wrong with their relationship! What had ‘Naked Guy’ given her that he hadn’t? Nothing, that’s what! Happy God Damned Valentines Mother Fucking Day!! Damn it!!!

---

Tommy pouted. He had gotten dumped! On Valentines Day to boot! It was mean! What could some plastic bimbo chick do that he couldn’t? Other than fake orgasm, he amended. Tommy was forced out of his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder, turning he instinctively smiled brightly. “Ernie, how are ya doin, hun?” He said with a slight southern accent. It was all part of the illusion that he was a different person. Tommy’s real name was Thomas Jeffries. To every one here he was just a male stripper named Tommy with a southern background.

“Hi Tommy.” Ernie on the other hand was an honest to God nice guy. He worked as a janitor at multiple strip clubs to help support him, his mother, and his younger brother who lived together. All the strippers made an effort to be nice and supportive to him on account that he was slightly retarded. Ernie gave him his usual goofy grin. “You look real pretty tonight Tommy.”

“Thanks, hon. Ya don’t look so bad yourself.” Tommy smiled fondly at him; they had always gotten along well. “How ya’ll doin at home?”

“Mommy and Larry are doing good. Mommy said I got to take double shift because Larry got fired.” Ernie said sadly.

“Here.” Tommy handed Ernie the money he had gotten from selling his car. “Ya’ll can have this.” Not having a car would hurt him money wise, but it was worth it.

“Mommy said I’m not supposed to take money from anyone.”

Tommy pressed the wad of bills into his hand, “And normally that would be fine, hun. But you are like family to me. Just take it. If your mama insists ya’ll can pay me back later. ‘Kay hun?”

“Thank you Tommy.” Tears swelled in Ernie’s eyes. They hugged for a long moment. “Love you.”

“I love you, too.” The stage manager came in to inform Tommy he was on next, interrupting their embrace. “That’s my cue, hun.” He fixed his outfit one last time.

“I wish I could watch you dance Tommy.” Ernie looked like a forlorn child, tears gone. He was so cute!

“Well… If ya want I could dance for you sometime.” As he expected, talking to Ernie had cheered him up.

“Mommy says it’s a sin to watch.”

“Moms know best.” He gave Ernie a quick peck on the cheek before ducking onstage. “Rain check then.”


---

“Another one?” Mac’s partner asked in a serious tone.

“Yeah, another one. Damn this is getting to me.” Mac scrubbed his hands over his face. He felt like shit.

“Are we talking about the case or Leeza? Or both?” Mac’s partner was concerned either way.

“Of course the case I-“ At the disbelieving look his partner gave him he know it wasn’t believable. “Alright, both.” He admitted. “I mean just one would be bad enough, but both? Some psycho is raping and murdering male strippers. Plus my newly ex-girlfriend was acting like some bitch in heat when I wasn’t looking! Damn it!” he slammed his clenched fist on his desk causing everything on it to jump an inch into the air. “Now I have a spare room in my apartment with nothing in it ‘cause I already sent her shit to her house.” He propped his head on his hand. “What am I gonna do with all that space?”

“Could rent out the room.” His partner said while flipping through a report on the desk opposite his.

“You’re right. I’ll put an add in the paper. Run a check on any takers, just to be safe. Its perfect.”

---


“I’m getting married!” Tommy’ roommate and co-worker announced happily.

“No way! To who?”

“Rob my boyfriend of a year and a half.”

“Since when?” Tommy was stunned.

“Last night. Can you believe it? I’m going to move into his place and we’re going to get married in spring.”

“You’re moving out?” he squeaked. They got along great, had long girl talks, discussed men, and split rent. He wouldn’t be able to pay for the apartment without her help. Plus he would lose a good friend if she left. Her Rob lived on the other side of the state.

“I know it will be hard for you with your car gone and all but I found a great place in the paper. ‘Three bedrooms, two bath, mini kitchen, living room. One bedroom for rent, with male roommate…’ isn’t that perfect?” She said enthusiastically sitting next to him. “Oh, by the way… I’m moving out next week.”

“What?!”

---


“I rented out the room to a Thomas Jeffries. Clean, no priors, an ‘executive assistant’ to a clothes designer. He’s moving in Monday.” It was Saturday.

“Congrats. Back to business, listen to this: An Ernie Smith worked at all the strip clubs as a janitor. And he happens to be on good terms with all the victims.” Mac’s partner informed him, grinning. “After we question him we might be able to go home on time for once.”

“Where is he at?” Mac asked while jerking his coat on.

“Strip club # 4, Obsessions. One of the few gay strip clubs and the only one our killer visited.” They walked quickly out of the building and got in the car.

“We have to go into a gay strip joint?” Mac asked as he turned out of the station perking lot.

“Yeah I know its gonna be weird but that’s the job.” When they pulled into the lot they noticed it was quickly filling. “Damn, this place is popular.” Mac’s car was a tight fit in the only parking place they could snag. Getting out of the car they in to the brick two story building, “Its actually not that bad of a place.”

“Welcome. Are you two new to our club?” Asked a cheerful young man at the door, smiling.

“Our first time.” Mac admitted, “We’re not here to see the dancers. Is a Ernie Smith working here tonight?”

Surprise registered on his face, then confusion, “Why would you want to talk to Ernie?”

“We work for the homicide department.” They flashed their badges in unison. “He may be involved in a murder.”

“Ernie would never do something like that I don’t understand-“

“That’s why we need to talk to him. We don’t think he did anything.” Mac’s partner assured him.

“He should probably be back stage talking to the dancers like he always does on his lunch break.” He gestured to another man to take his post, “I’ll take you to him.” Obviously flustered the man led them through a room full of drinking men watching another man stripping on a stage. He quickly ushered them through a door near the stage reading ‘employees only’. They entered a different room full of men this one had dancers preparing in various states of undress. “Ernie, Tommy, these men are from the police. They want to talk to you Ernie.” Then he hurried away.

The man Mac assumed was Tommy wore a catholic all boys’ school uniform of blue and gold, which accented his blonde hair and blue eyes nicely. He was the hottest schoolboy Mac had ever seen. Ernie had on the classic janitor’s outfit. “Ernie Smith?”

The janitor nodded, smiling. “My name is Ernie. What’s yours?”

“I’m Detective McKenzie, this is Detective Lane.” They once again flashed their badges. “Where were you last night?”

Ernie ignored his question and went off in a different direction, “This is my best friend. His name is Tommy. He’s going to let me watch him dance sometime, even though Mommy says it’s a sin. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

Shit, he was retarded! “I’m sorry sir we didn’t realize…”

“Ernie, hun, how about you go back to work and if the Detectives want to talk with you more they’ll call you. What do ya say, hun?” And it was Tommy to the rescue.

“Okay Tommy.” With his goofy grin in place the man calmly walked off.

“I apologize, we weren’t informed that Mr. Smith was…” Lane tried to clear the matter up but was too polite to continue.

“He was at his house last night, all night. His mama and little brother will tell ya’ll the same.” Mac was finding it hard to concentrate when all he wanted to do was kiss the other man’s neck. He was straight but damn! A neck like that deserved worship, even if it was attached to a guy. Luckily Lane was taking notes so he was able to fight his attraction in peace.

“How is it that a man with Mr. Smith’s-“

“He would want you to call him Ernie. Everybody does.” The blonde dancer informed them with an indulgent smile.

Lane nodded, “Why was Ernie allowed to work at five different strip clubs?”

“He supports his family as the main source of income. He lives with his mama and brother, Larry. Plus his employers can be sure that he isn’t interested in the dancers. Ernie is the perfect employee for a strip club.”

Mac finally ripped his thoughts away from Tommy’s wonderful neck to ask a question, “I thought Ernie said his mom told him it’s a sin. Why would she let him work here?”

Tommy’s eyes grew sad. “His mama is hard core Christian but she gets into the hospital a lot ‘cause her heart ain’t so good. Larry is a lazy jerk of a little brother. When he does decide to work he tends to get himself fired. Neither of the brothers has a high school degree. The war killed their papa. Needless to say she has to be a little lenient. That’s also why it would be best if you didn’t go to his house to question him.” The stage manager came in and told Tommy he was on next. Tommy grabbed a pen and Mac’s hand scribbling down a phone number. “If ya’ll got anymore questions just call me I’ll talk to him for you.”

As he turned to walk onto stage Mac saw Tommy was strong in his other weakness as well. Mac had always been a neck and ass man. Tommy had a slender, creamy neck he wanted to lick to see if it would taste like sugar on his tongue. And an ass that was round, firm, and a perfect hand full that had him turned on. Damn.

“Do you think they’re sincere?” Lane asked as they walked out. When Mac failed to answer he turned to see why. “Wow. I didn’t know guys could do that with fireman poles.”

Tommy was on stage, a seductive smile on his face. Coat, shoes, and shirt off, tie at half-mast and pants low on his hips. He swung himself around the fireman’s pole with one leg raised high in the air. Tommy then crawled away from them on the stage giving Mac a perfect view of the ass he had admired earlier. Mac looked up in time to see Tommy spot him looking. Tommy gave him a sexy wink before going back to his dance.

He had winked at him! Okay so he was a guy staring at a male stripper’s ass in a gay strip club but that didn’t mean he was… Tommy probably thought he was gay now. Damn it!

---


Tommy smiled at Ernie “Thanks for all your help, hun.” Ernie had been helping him pack and get to work. “I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome Tommy.” It was okay that Ernie knew where he was moving from as long as he didn’t know where he was moving. “Who are you going to live with?”

“I’m not sure, hun.” An image of Detective McKenzie staring at his ass in the club popped up in his mind. He quickly pushed the image away. The detective was hot but it was an unrealistic match to say the least. Tommy sighed, he was sooo lonely and the Detective had been staring… Oh well time to meet the new roommate. With any luck it would be a good-looking guy and not some couch potato bum.

“Here goes nothing.”

---

Mac opened the door expecting his new roommate, instead he found Tommy the stripper. “Oh, hello Detective. I guess you won’t have to call me to ask me anything… roomy.” Damn it!

“You have got to be kidding me.” Mac couldn’t believe it. What would be the odds that his new roommate would be the male stripper he was irrationally attracted to? “Come on in.” Mac stepped back to allow Tommy into their apartment.

Tommy looked around and with no trace of southern accent what so ever said, “Which room is mine?”

---


They had unpacked all the boxes and put everything in its new place. They now sat on the living room couch, side by side, drinking beer and Long Island ice tea. (Tommy didn’t like beer and said soda was against the rules for the dancers to drink.) “So Tommy-the-stripper is really Thomas Jeffries-the-‘executive assistant’?” Mac finally asked taking a swig of his beer.

“Uh-huh. But you can call me Tommy.” He gave him another saucy wink like from before.

“About earlier at the club… you think I was staring at your…”

“I do think that. Because you were.” Tommy almost seemed pleased about that particular fact.

“I was not!” Mac said indignantly. He was straight damn it!

Tommy set down his drink and faced Mac. “Really?” He leaned closer. “Then what were you doing?” He placed his soft lips against Mac’s ear. “Searching me for illegal paraphernalia?” With how little Tommy had been wearing that was silly and they both knew it. “If you had wanted to do that all you had to do was say so.” Tommy gave Mac’s ear a small lick before he pulled back. “I would have gladly consented to a strip search, Detective.” Day-mn, he was hard. “In fact if you’re still worried we can do that now.” That was just cruel and unusual torment, he whimpered.