Full Circle

Disclaimer: The following story and all characters are my intellectual property. Please contact me should you have a desire to use any of it.

Author\'s Note: This is a repost, after some editing, from the read-only archive. I would love to hear your thoughts!

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Picking up the little girl, my little girl, I pulled her cap lower on her head to block out the cool autumn breeze. Making sure the blanket was tightly secured around my eight month old daughter, I headed out of the house and back to the patio, to the party. He was there of course, that other, the first. The second was by the coolers in the light, next to the garage. The first was at the table on the patio, surrounded by tiki torches and mutual friends. I headed for the first. After all these years, his smile still draws me in. Pulling up a chair next to him, I smiled tentatively, and cuddled my infant closer to my chest; she was awake, but just barely.

\"Hi,\" he said, and shot me that smile again.

\"Hi.\" As a response, it worked.

\"May I?\" he asked, indicating my daughter.

\"Of course!\" I offered her up for him to hold. Taking her carefully into his embrace, delicately, so as not to disturb her peace, he turned her around and looked at her perfect face. He was quiet, as I knew he would be. He looked at her, as I looked at him, and I waited.

\"She\'s mine,\" he said softly, thoughtfully.

\"Yes, I know.\" There wasn\'t much else to say. The pause after that was deafening.

\"Does he know?\" he looked at her still, and quirked his head toward the second, my husband.

\"Yes, it\'s difficult to miss.\" Again, I couldn\'t find anything better as a response.

\"How did he...how is he taking...is he okay....or...how is that, then?\"

I was slightly taken aback, it\'s rare that the first doesn\'t know what to say. In response I held up my left hand, the ring conspicuously missing. \"It\'ll be final next week.\"

It\'s not often I find myself in a position where the answers come so easily, I usually have to think about everything I say, analyzing and overanalyzing the responses I may get, the impact of my words. This place, this time, these circumstances forced an honesty and acceptance into me that I have never had. It\'s not uncomfortable, just inevitable.

\"Did he know that we slept together? Does he know the details of that weekend?\" He was oddly nervous. He is never nervous. I saw him glance quickly at the second, my husband, before he looked back at my daughter.

\"No. He knew it was a possibility that you and I would be intimate when I went to resolve things with you. He also knew that whatever I did, it was what I felt was necessary to finally leave you and everything we had, so that I could fully commit to him. He accepted the possibility that I would sleep with you if it meant that you would be gone for good from my heart and my mind. He accepted that I wanted to give those parts to him, and would do whatever it took. When I got home, he asked me if I had accomplished what I wanted, what I needed. I told him yes. That was the end of the discussion.\"

\"How is this possible? I mean, we used a condom, you were on the pill...\" Ahh, his thought process was right where mine was a year and a half earlier. Protection, protection, protection...how was it possible?

\"I don\'t know. It happened once before, when you and I were young and stupid. Together we put an end to that. After months with this child inside me, I finally accepted it as fate. Karma has come back, and you and I were meant to have a child together, regardless of what we did to prevent it. Medical procedures, pills and latex, even marriage to another person. None of these can halt destiny, only delay it. She is here, and she is beautiful.\" I smiled then, at my little girl. She was asleep in her father\'s arms for the first time in her short life. There was silence then between the first and myself, as we both watched her sleep.

Finally, he asked, \"Why didn\'t you tell me?\"

\"We promised each other we wouldn\'t make contact. We were both perfectly clear that day. Those moments were our last. I was returning to him, you were finally telling me the truth about why you didn\'t want to be with me. It was the end for us. Besides, he and I tried to make it work, even when he knew she might be yours...\"

\"And when he realized, when he knew for sure?\"

The question was ambiguous, I answered the way I saw fit. \"We continued to try. The first ten years of our relationship, you were there. When I finally expelled you, she came along. Much as he and I get along, much as we love, we both knew there was no competition between the feelings I had for you and those I had for him, and then you gave me a child. We are amicable, we are friends. He is trying to move on, I am trying to raise my baby. Sometimes things just go that way.\"

\"Did you...do you...what do you need from me?\" He looked at me then, for the first time since he realized my daughter was also his.

\"Nothing. I need nothing from you. I got what I needed and then some that weekend, I have needed nothing from you since.\" It wasn\'t cold what I said, nor abrupt. It was just the truth. \"However, now that you know, you may want to be a part of her life. If that is the case, we should talk. I would like her to know her father, if he is willing.\" I looked into his eyes, those eyes I hadn\'t looked into since that weekend. I should never have done that. From the beginning of our association, it has always been his eyes that broke my heart, that built my heart again. Some people say the eyes are the only place to see the soul, I say the eyes speak a language that only soul mates understand. I have always known the language of his eyes.

\"Come back with me to Seattle, bring our girl.\" It wasn\'t an invitation, it was a demand.

\"Yes.\" I didn\'t hesitate. For the first time in my life, I made a commitment to him. I was willing to allow him the freedom to trample on my heart again. I had always done what he wanted. It had always hurt.

As I took my girl back, and held her again against my chest, I smiled at him and went to gather my things from inside the house. It was as I was putting the diaper bag over my shoulder that I realized, for the first time in my life, I was making a commitment to him. Perhaps, just perhaps, things would be better this time. Perhaps that leap of faith was all it would take.