Not So Beautiful..only not...NOW: Hobbidykes!

Authors\' Notes: We\'re not sure if this is the second chapter, or the first chapter rewritten, or something entirely different. *shrugs* We\'re gonna rip it mercilessly to shreds anyway. *big fat grin* Luv, HornyBones and Captain Obvious. *mwah*

*Merry and Pn sin sit down in front of Eomer, King of Rohon (nods to Cinderelly). Eomer opens his \"big book of big fat Mary Sues\" and starts to read...*


//I’m with you//

Merry: Argh!

Pippin: Noooo!

Eomer: *looks around* Where? Oh, will you guys stop that!

Pippin: *winks at Merry* You get his zipper, I\'ll pull his keks down.

Eomer: *ulp* I knew it was a mistake to do this with someone your height.

Merry: What height would that be, oh Kingly-King?

Eomer: Belt height...


//Everyone’s different, It’s as simple as that. Weather they have dark or milky white skin,
huge or small hands, blue or brown eye colour. //

Pippin: Weather it be sunny, or weather it be biting cold January wind... We\'re all different..

Merry: Thank you, oh wise one.

Eomer: Seriously, how many people do you know with HUGE hands? That would be fucking scary. And no mistake.

Pippin & Merry: *covering their ears* AAAUGH!! We have sensitive \'obbit ears! Don\'t SWEAR!!

Eomer: I\'m a big muscled an hairy and manly-man of the Riddermark! *nods to some X-men shite fic* Get used to it.

//But there is one thing, one easy target
that most people would agree upon to be disgusting, vile, outrageous and a mock to the
world, and that is sexuality.//

Pippin: Hang on...sexuality is disgusting, vile and outrageous? A mock to the world? Anyone get the feeling she\'s missing something out here?

Merry: I\'m very proud of my sexuality. I\'m here! I\'m queer! Get used to it!

Eomer: *head in hands* Oh for fuck\'s sake... *looks over at the girls enjoying the Cinderelly fic and, apparently, each other ;)* Can I come join you?

Eowyn VO: Sod off! Dirty great friggin\' man...Now, where were we, my dear?

Eomer: *sulks* I need a MAN.

*enter Boromir*

Eomer: *evil grin* Thanks Captain Obvious!

Captain Obvious: No problem. Just let me know when you\'re done with him. They need him over...er...there. *points in vicinity of chair next to Horny Bones*

Eomer: Oh, should only take a few minutes.

Boromir: So I\'ve heard. *snigger*

//For centuries sexuality was a big thing.//

Pippin: Now it\'s kind of insignificant and boring.

//It was every girls dream to grow up and marry a
man, hobbit, elf, any race they fancied, //

Merry: Oh really, I thought \"Every girls dream is to grow up and maybe start a family, get
married to the man you love and wear that one white dress that you\'ll never forget. \" Hmm, check that out. Same author. Weird. *hums the Twilight Zone theme*

Pippin: Can anyone say originality?

//become a house wife and bare the children that
were created//

Eomer: OH GOD!! OH GOD! OH, LORD!!

Boromir: Say it again! Say it again, bitch!

Eomer: MASTER!!! FUCK....OOOOHHHHHHH

Pippin: Bare the children? There\'s a lot of infant stripping in her fics..

Merry: Created from what? Playdough?

// and then die knowing the girl lived a happy, fulfilling life.//

Merry: What girl? Who? I\'m losing track...

Eomer: *wiping mouth* Here, you can have him back now...

Captain Obvious: *takes Boromir away to be dry-cleaned.* Thanks!

//But the other side
wasn’t accepted, How can two girls or two boys live together for the rest of their lives,
without marriage or even raising children of their own, This was clearly despicable and
all going disgusting.//

Pippin: Oh no, no, no, no...no, no, no. Just....no.

Merry: *yelling to The Band of Gold team* You know those question marks that are going begging from your fic? Can we have some over here please? Thanks!

//This is a story about two Hobbit lasses who would do anything for each other and that
included death.//

Eomer: They\'ll do death. Kinky.

//***************************************************************

September 19th 1421: The last of the third age//

Pippin: Last what?

//She sat by the window sill her piercing jade eyes looking out at the wide spread fields
that were near enough to harvest.//

Merry: Unfortunately she couldn\'t be arsed. Just not quite close enough..

Eomer: Piercing jade eyes? That\'s some strong fucking gaze she\'s got there..

//The gentle, warm, late summers breeze,//

Pippin: As opposed to the savage, \'nad-chappingly cold, early January HURRICANE.

//drifted
through the open window, making her golden locks to sway gently against her heart-
shaped face. //

Merry: All together...nnnnnnggggghhhh...ICK.

Eomer: YWe gWe got a hair description!! *pokes tongues out at the girls* Stick that up yer pipes and smoke it!

//She closed her almond shaped eyes//

Pippin: *opens a big bag of Middle Earth Almond Tasty SnackBites (tm)* Hmmm...*studies one closely* Hmmmm...

Merry: Anything?

Pippin: Just wondering how the fuck she could see anything.

Merry: You said \"fuck\"!

Pippin: So did you. I think Eomer\'s having an adverse effect on us. Kind of like this fic.

//and her lips pursed together to begin
a slight humming tune,//

Eomer: Just a slight one. They weren\'t quite ready for a full-blown symphony.

Pippin: *is astounded that someone\'s lips could do that of their own accord*

//She wanted to be honest and faithful to her friends aamilamily,
but she knew if she told them they would neglect her, like a dying lamb alone in a field. //

Merry: Someone pass the kleenex. God...that is so *sniffle* saaad! Waaaaaah!

//“Diamond?” A soft sound rang out in her head,//

Eomer: The voices in her head grew meaner every passing day.

// which always made her heart skip a
beat. //

Pippin: My ma taught me never say always unless you really, really mean it.

Merry: You think if we have voices ring in her head often enough, her heart will skip so many beats that she\'ll drop down dead?

//The voice was angelic and wise. She opened her jade eyes to the gentle touch on
her shoulder, looking down she smiled and turned away from the window to face the
figure behind her.//

Eomer: Looking down? I think we need some explanation as to how far that window sill is from the floor. Because right now I\'m figuring she has to be at least six foot tall.

Merry: Quite tall for a hobbit, I think you\'ll agree. Even a hobbidyke. *nods to BlisterGirl for that great name!*

//“We’ll be late again.”

“I know.” she sighed and looked directly into the deep, wide set, hazel eyes of the
person in front.//

Eomer: In front of what?

Pippin: In Band of Gold it\'s obsession with hair. Here it\'s eyes. Next one she writes, what will she be describing in such great detail?

Merry: Ears?

Eomer: *dirty wink* I can think of something...

// “It’s only church .... and you know how i feel, i feel like i shouldn’t
belong there.” she continued in a light whisper.//

Pippin: *wonders what a dark whisper sounds like*

//The person//

Merry: It\'s nice that she\'s so close to her lesbian lover. Wonder what her name is?

// nodded and looked at Diamond with an astute look.
“I feel the same Dinny. We’ve been attending church since we were babies//

Eomer: The sheer logistics of that statment are mind-boggling..*nods to Austin Powers*

//and I’ve
always thought to myself, Elbereth will accept anyone as they are, doesn’t matter how
old or young”//

Merry: Huge hands or small hands. Milky white skin or dark skin. Straight as a board or gayer than Adee.

Pippin: *thoughtfully chewing on his nuts* Adee isn\'t as gay as Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood is very, very gay. *nods to veryverygay.com*

Merry: *perks up* Really...Wood you say? And where does this Wood fella live?

Pippin: \"La\". But keep an eye out. I hear he got transported into Middle Earth through his computer. *grins*

Eomer: Oh god, that happens way too much these days. I\'m gonna go see about shutting down that portal from America to Rivendell... See you later. *leaves*

//Diamond looked down, she knew the lass standing//

Merry: Standing but two inches tall.

//with confidence was right “OK
Estella” she looked back up at the person with a small but thankful smile.//

Pippin: Up? Down? Which is it to be?

//“Good, now go and fetch your cloak, I’ll see you outside” //

Merry: To the hobbitmobile!

//Diamond nodded and brushed past the young lass. She was about to walk out the
bedroom door when she stopped and looked back over her broad shoulder//

Pippin: Gnnngh..So many comments, so little time..

//“I love you”
she said out loud, //

Merry: Knowing if she said it any other way, it might go unheard...

//her eyes grazing the slim figure before her.//

Pippin: Like a cow.

Merry: That has to hurt.

*Eomer returns*

Merry: Any joy?

Eomer: I couldn\'t get near the portal for Mary Sues. Fucking things are everywhere.

Pippin: Oh god, it\'s starting then. *eyes glaze over* I feel it in the air..I smell it in the water...

Eomer: It\'s only a matter of time before one of them hunts me down and falls in love with me. *moans*

Merry: *pats his arms* There, there. Don\'t worry. They only go for the hot-ass ones..Legolas, Aragorn...Legolas.

Eomer: *cries*

//Estella turned round and
smiled widely, her eyes wide with warmth “I love you too” she returned and watched as
Diamond spun back round and headed out the door towards the cloak room.//

Pippin: Broad shoulders...wide smiles...wide eyes..How big is this room? Big enough to cope, I hope..

//Estella gave a breathless sigh//

Merry: That\'s actually physically impossible, surely?

//as she looked around the spacious room, as if to make
sure everything was in order. Estella was a bright lass with many reasons and always
took things a step at a time.//

Eomer: Eh? Wha?

Pippin: *from corner of mouth* Don\'t. Think. About. It.

// Her long dark brown hair came below her waist which she
always wore up in a neat bun, //

Merry: She always wore her waist up in a neat bun. Is what that sentence is telling us. Just to clarify.

//and her muddy brown eyes//

Eomer: Eeeew!!

// always seemed to light up with
happiness. She looked as if she hadn’t been hurt before, that her life has always been
filled with laughter and contentment.//

Pippin: Is it me, or does she sound a lot like Ally? From Band of Gold. Oh, you can so not tell they\'re by the same author...can you? Jeez. I feel like I\'ve been cheated.

//The lasses both lived together posing as house mates to the public and as lovers behind
the closed bedroom door.//

Merry: That\'s an interesting pose. Lovers behind the bedroom door. I saw a sculpture of that by Henry Moore at The British Museum once. Very curvy.

Eomer: His art often is.

// Living in a two bedroom hole//

Eomer: Eeeew! Again!

// with two bathrooms which were
quite large and spacious, a large kitchen suitable for a party //

Merry: That\'s good. So, when she eventually gets some friends, she can invite them over for a party. *pause* In her kitchen. Aah.

//and a cosy lounge in which
to rest in. //

Pippin: As opposed to a cosy lounge in which to operate pneumatic drilling machinery in. I suppose.

//The hole was situated in Hobbinton at bag shot row, just a few doors away from Bagend.//

Merry: Uhhhh-huh. Riiiiiight.

Pippin: Oh, I see we\'re still in Hobbinton.

Eomer: Must be the other, *other* Bagshot Row.

//To live there the lasses had to move from Long cleeve which was a day away from where
they are now. Deciding that was the best place to live, as many of their close friends
lived there also they wouldn’t be interrupted by a surprise visit from who ever parents.//

Eomer: Que?

Pippin & Merry: *hold each other for comfort.*

//They finally convinced both their families that they would be safe and well after many
arguments that it was too far away and they would never see them. //

Eomer: This is sounding so much like Band of Gold (except for the lesbian hobbits part) it isn\'t even funny.


//Diamond and Estella
fitted in to the town like a glove fits a hand //

Merry: Greyly, fluffily, awkwardly.

Pippin: Methinks this author does have a thing about gloves. Call it a fetish, if you will.

//and hiding their lust for each other wasn’t
easy but they got through it by making sure they would express it later. //

Merry: Pippin, if I run out of vomit, can I have some of yours? *nods to Tom Servo, real MSTer*

//~***~
Diamond looked around the crowded hall nervously, She would advert her gaze//

Eomer: Thinking that maybe people would be interested, she advertised it in the local press. Needless to say, no-one called.

//whenever someone looked up to see who ent entered, afraid that they could see right
through her and read her thoughts and feelings.//

Pippin: She\'s very, very paranoid. Isn\'t she?

//Estella on the other hand was
optimistic and laid back. Guiding Diamond gently with one hand behind her lovers back//

Merry: I no longer have any idea what\'s going on. I\'m going to go and get an ice-cream. Anybody want anything?

Pippin: Some chocolate raisins, please.

Merry: Eomer?

Eomer: Um, some popcorn would be great. Thanks.

Merry: *wanders off*

//to an empty seat at the back of the fulurchurch.//

Pippin: If the church is full, how come there\'s an empty seat? Anyone?

//“Relax” Estella whispered through her teeth//

Eomer: An impressive trick.

//and gently rubbed Diamonds back
soothingly, she quickly took away In case someone was to see the gentle caress.//

Eomer: Processing, processing....Nothing.

//Diamond shifted her position from a tight and nervous , to a care free and relaxed
position.//

Pippin: I would kind of like to see that.

Eomer: Pervert.

Merry: *wandering back in* Hey, guess what?

Eomer: What?

Merry: I just saw Orlando Bloom in the queue for the popcorn.

E: An: And you didn\'t bring him back?!

Merry: *pouting* No. Legolas ran off with him before I could do anything.

Eomer: Why didn\'t you bite his shins or something?

Merry: *brightens* I *did* get his autograph before he went though.

Eomer: Where?

Merry: *unzips pants. Or pence. Or whatever. Shows Eomer where he got signed.*

Eomer: Can I touch it?

Merry: *glances smugly at Pippin* Yeah.

Pippin: Where the fuck\'re my chocolate raisins?

Merry: Mmmm...wha? Oooh...

Pippin: *gags* Never mind.

//She looked around the old, ethnic, church//

Merry: Guh...Muh...Mouth...

Eomer: *slurp, slurp*

Merry: *shiver*

//and noticed familiar faces sat
comfortably in the pews, //

Pippin: What a disturbing image. Did they all leave their bodies at home that day?

//a few caught sig sight//

Pippin: And promptly threw it back, wanting nothing to do with her. *glances over at Eomer and Merry* That\'s pretty disgusting, you guys.

Eomer: So..you wouldn\'t be up for a turn?

Pippin: Move over, Merry.

//and instead of looking away Diamond
would smile and give a slight wave, Hiding her ability.//

Merry: I think she\'s actually a mutant from an X-man fic. She has the ability to pierce anything with her jade gaze. Cooool.

//She noticed their good friend Rose
Gamgee and her husband Sam and the black curly hair of Frodo who she could just
about see, //

Merry: Name-dropper!

//she loorounround to the front of the gathering and noticed a few more
friends, who’ll probably come over for a quick chat before going to the market for a few
bits and pieces. //

Merry; You know. *That* market.

Pippin: *panting and moaning and sweating and groaning*

Eomer: *slurping and sucking and stroking and fu- yeah..*

//She swallowed hard and sat back in the hard, wooden pew,//

Merry: Ah. She remembered she has to describe everything twice. Good.

//and carefully
fluffed her yellow skirt out ready for that mornings blessing.//

Merry: this is one weird fucking church. Must be a hobbint cult or something. Clothes worshippers.

Pippin: *screams like a girl*

Eomer: UUUUHHHHH...

//~***~
Estella and Diamond walked out into the bright sunlight, both close, tempting to hold
each others hand or give a quick kiss on the cheeks but knew that the on gores//

Merry: The whats?

//following out of the church would witness thor bor behaviour.//

Merry: *looks at Pippin and Eomer* Eomer, you finished with him yet?

Eomer: *nods wearily*

Merry: *grabs Pippin* My turn.

//“See Dinny, i told you it would be OK” Estella said touching Diamonds thin, milky white
arm. //

Eomer: ARGH! Adjective overload...Can\'t take any more...going to blow...

Merry & Pippin: *ears prick up* (Y\'know...ears pricking up. Like in that other, *other* Mary Sue...)

Eomer: *head explodes*

*Elijah Wood wanders in*

Elijah: Did either of you see where Orlando went? I went to the bathroom while he got popcorn and when I came out he was gone. Fuck.

Merry: You better get out of here. Quick.

Elijah: What? Why?

Merry: *points at fic*

Elijah: *sees author\'s name* FUCK, not her! *runs away*

//“I knew it would, it’s just the-”

“Hello Mrs Estella and Mrs Diamond” A chubby fellow pop up in front of them with a wide
joyous smile, his hands clapped together. Estella and Diamond stood abit shocked by
the sudden interruption

“Hello Sam” Estella smiled “How are you and your family today?” she quickly add.//

Merry & Pippin: *pissing themselves laughing*

*Sam walks in* What\'s so funny?

Merry: *points*

Sam: *reading back* CHUBBY?! CHUBBY?! BITCH! *grabs a length of rope and goes off to hang someone*


//Sam huffed and looked at the passing hobbits, scratching his head as he did
“Everyone’s fine Rose is busy with the baby and Frodo his getting better from his
illness, you know?” He sighed. The lasses noticed the sudden change from loud to quiet
and both their smiles were wiped off.//

Pippin: Everyone in these fics really must be more careful where they put their hands. They could wipe any number of facial features clean off...

//“What’s the matter Sam” Diamond Stepped forward and placed a hand on his rounded
shoulder.//

Merry: Oh, oh! I know! This is to show that she\'s done some research!

//The hobbit shook himself and put on a fake smile //

Pippin: The hobbidykes could see right away that it was fake. The wires holding it on were very obvious, just like Gandalf\'s beard.

//“Oh nothing, nothing that doesn’t
concern you” //

Merry: So...from that double negative we can deduce that it is something that does concern them. *smiles smugly*

Pippin: Smug smiles must be contagious...

Merry: I can\'t help it.

Pippin: *throws a glass of water at him*

//he smiled putting his usual self back on again.//

Merry: And hanging his unusual self back in his wardrobe for another day.

//“Well OK” Diamond said sounding cheery and choosing her words carefully. //

Pippin: She chose Well and OK out of the thousands of words in her vocabulary. Smart choice.

//“We better go before the market closes early”//

Merry: \"It\'s late shopping tonight,\" said Sam. \"They\'re open till ten. That was a very obvious lie.\" Diamond blushed and tried to bluff her way out of it but Sam knew what was going on. He huffed and stomped chubbily away.

//Estella stepped in “It was nice seeing you
again and give our regards to Frodo Rose and Elanor for us, where ever they are” she
looked around as if to notice them straight away.//

Pippin: Frodo Rose? So *that\'s* what his middle initial stands for! Priceless!

Merry: He\'s never going to hear the end of this one... Frodo Rose... *sniggers*

//“I will lass, see you soon” Sam smiled after the two, but when they wout out of sight his
smile faded as he remembered what the next events of the following week will be and
they weren’t nice ones.//

Merry: Sam is so cool he can see into the future.

Pippin: I like the way we can change tense halfway through a sentence and no-one noticed.

Merry: Yes it is pretty good, wasn\'t it?

Pippin: Hmm...*sticks Eomer\'s head back together*

Eomer: What the fuck you do that for?

Pippin: I like your head. It\'s where your mouth is.

Eomer: ......


//So what you think?, please review, Ta. //

Eomer: That has to be the world\'s most leading question.

Pippin: That would be...your place or mine tonight, my Lord?

Merry: *wiggles eyebrows suggestively*

Eomer: *whimper*

A/N:e ofe of this tosh to come, hopey. Yy. YAY!