The Pain of Love

Author's Note: This is Dragomir, my persona, talking with reference to his love Kohaku. I'll let you interpret this as you wish. I just like writing in this aspect. I find it nice because people can interpret this as they wish. How do you wish to interpret this?

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People often talk about the thrills of life. “Life is so sweet,” they say. “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” They claim as well.

How wrong they are…so very wrong…

I used to never love. Love was a concept so foreign to me…sure I’d heard about it in books, seen it on the television, heard about it from my friends, and seen it with my parents. Never, though, in all my long and painful years had I experienced something like what they all described. Never had I burned for some particular person to be near me…to let me hold them…to let them hold me. Never had I found myself willing to open my ice-encased heart. Never had I felt the pangs of loneliness. Never had the dark dragon Jealousy stirred from his slumber deep within his icy cave. In all my years he never raised his head, eyes aglow with rage, for some little thing…

Never have I felt like such a coward. Never!

I am a coward. I don’t have the courage to tell you how much you truly mean to me. I cannot say the three little words “I love you.” Three words! Just sounds coming from my mouth, air traveling through my body and vibrating my vocal chords to send out garble that, at some other time, would mean nothing! Yet the implications and emotions behind those sounds…to admit them scares me more than I could have possibly imagined.

I am scared. It takes courage to admit that.

I am scared of rejection, of humiliation…of being hurt. I am scared you will look at me with degrading eyes. I am scared of you leaving me for good. I am more than scared: I am terrified.

I don’t deserve someone like you. I really don’t. I’m too emotionally distraught for someone like you. You accepted me when others didn’t…You lit a fire to melt my icy prison. Did you realize, when you lit it, the flame would melt far more than originally intended?

I didn’t.

I didn’t even see the flame until it was so ablaze that not much could quench it. Yet, when I saw it, I had no urge to snuff it! Perhaps I knew, even then, I loved you.

This pain of wanting, needing, yearning…this pain is worse than my icy prison. Better to have loved, they say. Perhaps. But to love from afar is worse than I can ever imagine. Life is sweet? No, it seems not. Life loves to play games, messing with our lives in ways we cannot imagine.

This kind of love is unbearable. I cannot stand it.

I am such a coward, though. I cannot even tell you all this to your face. I can only speak all this while you sleep. You look so peaceful when you sleep, did you know that? Do you realize that I watch you sleep? That every night I sit in this chair by your door, ready to flee at a moments notice if you suddenly awaken…do you know? Sometimes you whisper in your sleep. Your voice sounds like its inviting me over, but I never hear your words. Do you know I’m here? Do I keep you awake? Do you hear me whispering to you?

Someone told me that talking to someone while they sleep will actually send your words into their subconscious. When I speak to you when you sleep, you would hear my words and their true meaning within your heart. I don’t honestly know if this is true…I’ve never been able to ask you. That would be a rather uncomfortable conversation. I avoid them. Especially since that would bring up the question of why I sit here, night after night, talking to you. Are you awake? Are you asleep? What do you dream of?

Am I ever in your dreams? Do you care for me?

Such a hope, isn’t it. It is such a distant hope of mine that you’d actually feel the same way about me. I never know what you’re thinking. Do you know what I’m thinking? Sometimes you act as though you do…So I’m curious, but not courageous enough to ask you to your awakened self. Perhaps someday, though, I’ll risk everything and ask you.

I’ll ask you if you love me. I’ll tell you I love you.

There go those words again. “I love you.” Three simple words. Yet those three words are so powerful that they can make or break someone.

So, for this night, I love you. Since you’re stirring a bit more now, I think this is my cue to sneak out as silently as possible.

Good night, one who holds my heart. I love you.