Am I Broken?

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re empty inside? I do. I feel as though every emotion I have I force myself to feel because I think that’s what I’m supposed to feel. I don’t think I’ve ever really had a true emotion in my life. I can remember that when my uncle died I didn’t feel anything. No remorse, no sadness, no pity for my aunt. Nothing. And when my grandma was very sick and almost died, I had to force myself to cry. I’m very close to my grandma, and still I felt nothing. It’s the same with my friends. If any one of them were to die, I don’t think I would really care. About six years ago I moved from a town that I had lived in for thirteen years, and I didn’t care. I never even missed any of the friends I had had there. It’s like I’m cold on the inside. Like I’m broken or something. My friends and family know I’m broken too. They all call me cold, bitter, cynical, but am I really all of those things? I don’t think I have enough humanity in me to be bitter or cynical. It’s not that I had life or the people in it, or that I have a caustic outlook on things, I just don’t see why people can act so happy, or how they can stand being sad or lonely. Someone asked me once if I had been hurt by someone close to me and if that was the reason I was so closed off to everyone. That made me really think. Did someone hurt me? Was that the reason I was so abnormal? I didn’t know. I couldn’t remember ever being hurt. I have been numb inside for as long as I could remember. My mum sent me to a shrink once, to see if they could maybe fix me. I don’t think she like the fact that her daughter wasn’t normal. That and she was afraid I was going to grow up to be some psycho killer or something. I don’t think she has to worry about that, though. I’m not angry or violent enough to ever want to hurt anybody. The only emotion I can ever remember feeling is fear. Fear that I’m so messed up, I’m never going to get fixed. I would love to feel things for real. Feel love and happiness and everything else normal people feel. That’s my greatest wish. To be able to feel.

Again, I don’t apologize for writing this. If I offended someone, then they really shouldn’t be reading my rants. If you feel the need to flame me, go ahead. I really don’t care what you think. I already know my minds screwed up, so there’s not much you can tell me that I don’t already know.