What Have I Become?

What have I become
By: Mar Fire


The title of this is basically my question to you the reader. What have I become? Perhaps I should explain to you about how I used to be and how I was raised to better help you understand why I ask this question.


I have lived my whole life in Southwest Detroit, Michigan in the United States. Not the best place to grow up I will admit, but it is the only way of life I have ever known. I was born to Sheryl and Juan Rodriguez on April 20th 1987. Now My mom comes from a old fashioned southern background. While my dad comes from a much looser (and in many cases cracked out) lifestyle.

Despite the different backgrounds of my parents. I was brought up with much respect, and many rules. Taught to always stand up for what I believed in and to hold my head High. I was in other words brought up to act decent and respectful, taught to behave in the way kids of today do not.

Due to the fact I didnt act and look at things the way other kids did I was pretty much an outcast growing up. The few people I met along the way and thought of as friends just used me for a place to stay, or money. and even though I was raised to not take shit from anyone. I allowed it to happen because I didnt feel I was worth anything.

When I was six years old I was raped by my gym teacher. Till this day my mother still has no clue that this event took place. She knew then that all of the sudden I was afraid of my teacher. But when she tried to confront me about it I told her it was just because of a bad dream I had. And for all of these years I have blocked the memory from my mind. But that didnt stop it from eating at me mentally. Killing my self esteem.

The second rape attempt I ever had to encounter was when I was 12 years old. I was working at a flea market with my mom and dad. When a guy who had known me since I was a kid and had watched me grow up tried to pull me into the guys bathroom with him. I got away from him and went to my mom and dads booth. I tried to laugh it off but ended up going into histerics. My dad was going to beat the guys ass but my mom stoped him, told him to forget the asshole and to worry about me.

I met my first boyfriend when I was 14 and he was 18. His name was Sam. I met him from a girl I thought was my friend at the time Named Crystal. I dated him not even two months. A few weeks after I had turned 15. I went to his house to try to comfort him because his mom had passed away and he took advantage of the situation. I delt with kids in my high school calling me a whore and saying I was worthless. Without them knowing the whole story. I found out later that I was just part of Crystal and Sam's sick little game. That her and him had been dating on and off for over a year. I was just their little toy. Their joke.

My third sexual accounter was with a girl named Kristen. Who like me had been raised very strict. A one night stand to be honest. When I was 16 and she was 18. My brother wanted to sleep with Kristen. But she wanted to sleep with me. Because she harbored same sex tendancies. She said she wouldnt sleep with him unless she had me first. My brother told me I should sleep with her or fool around with her a little bit so she would sleep with him. So I ended up doing it for my brother. But I couldnt get the stomach to do it until I had downed a 5th of jack by myself. She got what she wanted. But unfortunately my brother didnt get what he had wanted.

The second relationship I had was with a girl named Clorinda when I was 17 and she was 21. Same sex relationships is something my family doesnt believe in. Something I was raised to believe was wrong. It didnt matter to my family if other people outside of our family did it. But we werrent to do it ever. When I started having feelings for her I was confused about it. Because she had ended up moving into our house,to get away from her family. My brother only helped me because he wanted to get into her pants. I started beocoming jealous of him touching her. At first I fought my emotions telling myself it was wrong and I wasnt supposed to feel that way. Then one night one thing led on to another with her and we ended up sleeping together. Me and her were together for almost a year. Despite how I knew my family looked at it I risked loosing them and told them I loved her. To my surprise they accepted it and me for who I was. Not to long after i admitted to my family what was going on Clorinda moved out back to her family. Later I found out that she had cheated on me with 4 people and had lied to me about over half of what she had told me.

My third relationship was with a guy named Kenny. He was 25 and me just turned 18. It wasnt to long after Clorinda had left me that I had met him. So I was pretty much still on the rebound. The first time I had actually talked to him he was drunk and howling at the moon. During the whole time I was with him he ingored me a lot. Always taking off with his friends after calling me and asking me to come over so we could spend time together. I spent more time with his daughter, his mom, and his step dad then I did him. The only time he ever came around me was when he needed money or wanted sex. I put up with it until one day when I went to see him and he stole my money out of my wallet which was in my coat. He stole all that I had left for food and gas money for the week. After that happened. He went to Florida for workand I broke it off with him.

Now my fourth possisibably relationship. Is a guy named William. The sweetest guy I have ever met. He is the first guy who has ever told me I was pretty and I believe him. He made me blush. Which ask the few people who actually are my friends and they will tell you. I never blush. This guy has actually made me feel really good about myself in the time I have known him.

Whats wrong with this picture you wonder... Hes genaged to another woman. Who has had a kid by him. Appearently the relatiohship has gone bad. But they have been together for 4 years. From what his friend Lenny has told me about her and he would know because she is his ex girlfriend. She doesnt work, she mooches off of him. She is only there for money nothing more because appearently she doesnt really love him. I cant agree or disagree with this because I have never met the girl. I just know what I was told.

Will told my brother he just wants to see what she is going to do and if it doesnt work out he plans on going out with me. We have been flirting back and fores and writing back and fores to eachother for awhile now. But I didnt know he was engaged to this girl until recently. I thought his relationship with a girlfriend was going bad. Not a relationship with a fiance.

I was raised not to get in between a realationship. But I find myself sitting here praying for their relationship to end so I can have him for myself. I really like this guy and want him more then anything. I had begun to like him before I had even known he was taken by a girl at all. Now I wonder if I have become a bad person. To wish for someone to have an end in their relationship just because I want them for myself. It just seems so selfish. And I have never been selfish. Not like this. So now I wonder if I am becoming as rotten as the people who have mistreated me my whole life.


So again I pose this question to you the reader.....

What have I become???