Glimpse

Glimpse

Bang… bang… bang…
The sullen man was roused by the loud banging in his head. He rolled onto his side and slumped over in bed, brushing his long, limp bangs out of face. He rubbed his weary eyes, wondering if someone was actually banging on his cell door or if the banging was imprinted onto his brain from being awoken by it every other grey morning.
Bang… bang… bang…
He placed his face into his rough hands, and then turned his head towards the sound. This time he knew it was real. Through the small window near the top of the door, he could see the unruly hair of the big Bear walking down the winding hallway.
The Bear diligently hammered on his thick steel door every morning at 8:04. The staff permitted him to keep a watch, a stopwatch, one of the few things in his life he was sure was real. It entertained him throughout the dreary days when all the other patients would do nothing but sit around, subdued on their medication or fidget and disrupt during episode flare-ups. There were, however, the relatively mild symptom patients who kept a solitary existence.
Unlike most of these patients, he didn’t know where he fit in with the crowd. He didn’t know who he was, where he came from, or what had happened to him.
The last thing he remembered to be true was walking around in his local shopping centre. He was running a trivial errand when all of a sudden the world transformed. The orange, pink, bright green, red, and yellow lights from the flashing store signs came alive right in front of him, searing his eyes shut. He had turned away only to be met with Confucius, “To know is to know that you know nothing.” If seeing was believing, standing before him was a short Asian philosopher who had been dead for hundreds of years. Confucius placed his hands together and lowered his head in a bow. When Confucius raised his head, his face faded away. A mysterious-looking Caucasian man, with startling blue eyes and a twisted moustache, now leered at the sullen man. He felt a tightness in his chest and his palms began to sweat profusely as the world shifted into darkness.
Once admitted into the hospital, he took a series of tests to help assess his condition and was thoroughly interviewed by his psychiatrist, Dr. Gallagher. Since he could not remember his own name and had been alone and lacking personal identification at the time of his breakdown, Dr. Gallagher had assigned him some homework. Amnesiac or dissociated patients were common in the hospital, therefore the staff kept a book of baby names handy for the patients to pick out their own inpatient name until their identity was recovered. Kale was the name he chose. He wanted something simple but different as well, so he changed the spelling to Kaal and retained its meaning of ‘man’.
“Kaal, your appointment with Dr. Gallagher is scheduled at 9:00. Breakfast is now being served in the cafeteria.” The Leprechaun nurse had opened the cell door and addressed him with her usual pot-of-gold smile. He nodded as he stood up and watched the little old woman hobble away in her green medical robes. The floor was ice under his bare feet as he walked towards the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. Feeling slightly refreshed, he walked over to the steel bar-covered window to get a breath of fresh air. On windy days, whistling sounds and cool air poured in through the cracks of the old window. There was something about having the cool air brush his cheeks that brought him peace of mind. However, on this day, grey clouds overwhelmed the sky again and the air was dead.
His disappointment followed him into the cafeteria. There were only a few places left at the long table so he chose a seat somewhat near the end to not be close to as many people as possible. However the seat he chose was next to some of the most irritable patients, who often spoke out regardless of how inconsiderate and rude they may be.
“Well someone didn’t wake up on the right side of bed today! What’s the matter, you tried too hard to wank off but you couldn’t remember what turned you on to begin with?” The Jackal expressed pride in his snide remark, and burst into laughter. Beside him, two hyenas cackled along in approval. Kaal stared them down as the ravenous animals shovelled food down their throats. One of the hyenas took a breather from pillaging his plate to try and soothe the look of contempt on Kaal’s face, “You’re not the only one here who doesn’t know who they are, try to have a sense of humour about it.”
The other fool piped in as well, “I heard one time this saying that this old guy said, this old Chinese guy he said, ‘To know is to know that you know nothing,’ or something like that.”
“Confucius,” confirmed the all-knowing Jackal. “And considering this, you know nothing about yourself, so you must know that you know nothing and therefore you just know!”
The first hyena cackled again, “Sort of…exactly!” They all continued shovelling the rest of their meal down their vile throats. Kaal contemplated their insolence as he began to eat his food. The nerve they had for making his illness seem like nothing at all.
“So not knowing who you are would bring you all the clarity and knowledge of the world?” Kaal posed his question carefully, forward but not aggressive.
The Jackal responded, “Yes. I would have forgotten all my mistakes but still have a sense of what I learned from them. My mind wouldn’t be clouded with all the garbage information that is out there. Everyone would love me unconditionally because the sins they have committed would be forgotten by me! Life would be grand indeed if I knew nothing, and by knowing nothing, know everything!”
Driven by his temptation to stir some trouble with these dolts, Kaal shot back, “If you don’t know who you are, how can you possibly know that you exist?”
“I know I exist because I am here now, talking, eating, and interacting with everything around me!” The Jackal slicked his greasy hair back and smiled smugly with his answer. The two hyenas stared at the worn-out man, searching his face for defeat. Kaal was staring at his plate when he responded.
“What if you were all alone, in the flatlands with nothing surrounding you at all? Nothing is there to reassure you and you have no recollection of who you are. How do you know you exist then?”
“Because I am there, standing and looking around. I just know that I exist.”
“But you know nothing, remember? Nothing at all. In that case, how can you possibly know everything, and therefore know that you exist?” Kaal was probing him now with questions, challenging him, pushing him to think beyond himself. He couldn’t remember a thing about his own identity, but Kaal gained satisfaction in testing people’s limits and boundaries. He wanted to take the Jackal for a nice intellectual ride today, maybe then the scoundrel and his little followers would leave him be.
“I am blinking and breathing and seeing all that is before me! I can touch my body and speak out loud!” The frustration was noticeably rising, as the Jackal’s face was turning red.
“But that is your perception of things. You can do all those things in a dream and yet the dream is not real. Knowing you exist is knowing who you are.”
The Jackal refused to be wrong, “NO! You still exist! You are there in the flesh, how can you not see that you really exist? You’re there, you’re thinking about it. Don’t be stupid!”
Kaal pushed on, imagining for his own amusement that the Jackal’s head was exploding off his body in sheer contemplation. “The world out there is simply the interpretation of your mind. You can’t even know if what you are seeing out there is real and true! It’s all a distortion.” He wanted to hit the nail on the head with this one. “Isn’t that why you’re here? Because you’re crazy and you don’t see things as they really are?”
The Jackal stood up in such a hurry that his knees slammed into the underside of the table, knocking drinks over and spilling food off the plates. His face was on fire with rage now; as if no one dared speak against him before this. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. The Jackal lunged over the table clawing to reach Kaal and tear his limbs off, his fangs viciously protruding from his mouth.
The Lions were quick to react, pouncing on him with needles filled with a fast-acting sedative. The hyenas backed off, terrified of the men dressed in white, silent and stealthy in their takedowns of unruly patients. The Leprechauns came out, bringing patience and more pot-of-gold smiles, dispersing the other patients, including Kaal who was escorted into Dr. Gallagher’s office.

Dr. Gallagher was not in his office when Kaal was brought there that morning; there was still 15 minutes before their therapy session was scheduled to begin. Feeling slightly empowered by his victory over the Jackal, Kaal sat down with his head held high in the nicely plump and comfortable chairs provided by the psychiatrist. He had been here a few times before but never really had the chance to notice the décor of the office. Dr. Gallagher’s office was not that big to begin with, however it appeared larger because of the pale colour of the walls. A tall bookshelf lined the wall to the left of Kaal; and it was filled with academic journals, and book after book on disorders, psychiatric illness, and their treatments. To accommodate the reading needs of his patients, Dr. Gallagher also kept a selection of novels on his shelves, classic works of fiction to more modern biographies and essays. To Kaal’s right were a few filing cabinets, locked in order to secure patient confidentiality. Dr. Gallagher’s maple desk before him was immaculate and almost bare, save for a few family photos in one corner and a small pile of papers in the other.
His eyes scanned over the papers briefly, stopping as he noticed his name and patient identification number. His curiosity got the best of him; he needed to know why those papers mentioned him. He picked up the pile and read over the list of phrases that were seemingly describing him.

Melancholy behaviour
No recall of personal history, identity, or family
Prefers to be alone, does not socialize
Refers to and describes staff members as animals
Has no accurate perception of reality
Completely lost in his confusion of who he is
Traumatic events of the past are triggered sporadically leading to utter states of confusion and derealization

The list seemed endless. He placed the papers back on the desk, dazed. He suddenly remembered why he was there. No identity, not living in reality, not feeling real… it pierced right through his chest. His eyes welled up in tears; he wanted to feel real so badly. Frantically, he searched the room with his eyes. Surely something in this office could point to a reality. He stood up and hovered over the desk, thinking maybe those papers weren’t real and he imagined them. No such luck. They practically pulsed off the flat surface; he couldn’t remove his eyes from them. Forcefully, he pulled his eyes away and began desperately searching for something that would make him feel real. He was sweating now, his hands scrambling about the desk. Then, he noticed a drawer was open. He veered around the desk and plunged his trembling hand inside it. Alas! A penknife. He walked it over the skin of his arm, slowly adding more and more pressure. It was sharp, slicing through the thin epidermal layers instantly. Blood was gushing down his arm and onto the floor so not only could Kaal see this gruesome reality, he could feel its searing pain. The room began to spin, the objects and furniture blurring into a catastrophic mess until he was back, back in a time long ago.

The brilliant sun shone into the young lad’s eyes, blinding him so he turned away. There he met with a huge, growling bear in the habitat placed before him. Its mouth was wide and filled with ferociously sharp teeth. The young boy felt his heart beat much faster and he reached out to cling to the nearest comfort. A tall woman patted the boy’s head as he latched on to her leg. The man standing next to her kneeled down, smiled broadly, and said, “Wow, look at that huge beast! Isn’t that cool, Son?”
The boy looked over at the bear again, as it approached the side of the cage where they were standing. He gripped his mother tighter in fear. “Aw, don’t be scared, honey, it can’t hurt you from over here.” She kneeled down as well and lovingly gave him a hug to reassure him.
Each of his parents grabbed one of his hands and continued along the pathway to visit more animals. The boy looked about his surroundings in shy wonder, gripping his parents’ hands tightly and refusing to let go. They passed a pen of hyenas, snarling at each other and running the length of their entrapment. Hideous creatures they were, the poor young boy could not stand to look at them, and that screeching sound hurt his small ears. As much as the boy wanted to keep walking away from the terror, his father halted them to say, “Oh, look at him, Son, doesn’t that one look familiar? He’s a jackal,
and it says here on the sign that they are in the family of dogs!”
The boy remained silent as he stared at this creature, prowling about in the habitat and staring venomously at all who stopped to watch. A little distressed by their son’s obvious fear reactions to all the animals, the parents treaded carefully through the zoo now. They decided to show him less threatening animals like peacocks, pandas, and koalas. They hoped that by taking him to the aquarium as well he might enjoy the different kinds of fish.
On their way to the aquarium, they passed the enormous mountain lion’s den. The lions were walking around majestically, observant of the visitors but protective of their pride. The young boy eyed them cautiously as they strolled by. The boy’s father stopped them before entering the aquarium. “Here Son, take my watch. We’ll leave for home at 4:30, ok? Whenever you feel a little anxious, you can always look at my watch and see that we’ll be going home soon.” His father smiled reassuringly at him. The watch was a gift from his grandfather, which the little boy’s father treasured very much. Wearing his father’s watch provided him peace of mind.
The aquarium was dimly lit to maintain the ocean effect, but the light was placed strategically to gain maximum quality observation of the aquatic life. Every colour of the rainbow swam about in the various tanks, catching the eye with the slightest glimpse. The family approached one of the tanks and looked in wonder upon the marvellous distinctions of the fish. The little boy let go of his parents’ hands, as he finally felt safe behind the glass. The fish did not seem threatening or strong enough to break through the glass to hurt him; he was safe. His parents gave him an independent but mindful distance as they moved along the length of the tank with their little son lagging shortly behind.
Suddenly from behind some algae emerged a miniature shark. The shark swam near the glass baring the many sharp teeth it possessed. The little boy instinctively jumped backward in seeing the predator, but placed his hand over his father’s watch to remind him to be strong.
“It’s all right, little guy.” A man with a bizarre moustache was kneeling beside the boy now, placing his hand on the boy’s shoulder as he spoke soothingly. “Everyone gets scared every now and then. I was just talking to your mom and dad and they told me to take you outside and wait for them. They’re really enjoying the aquarium but they want you to be safe, so I am here to take you just outside to wait until they’re done.” The man smiled reassuringly as he stood up, with his brilliant blue eyes shimmering in the low light.
The young boy remained apprehensive at first, but found he was walking along with the stranger as their hands were locked together now. The stranger pulled the boy into a nearby utility closet that was equipped with a staff exit door, left ajar. The boy moved for the exit but was violently pulled back towards the stranger. He wanted to scream but a large hand smothered his face as the door to the aquarium was shut tight. There was only a crack of light emerging from the exit door otherwise it was complete darkness. Despite the door being open a crack, it was overwhelmingly hot and sticky in that tiny room. With a hand covering his mouth, the boy could hardly breathe.
The stranger pushed the boy against the wall and shoved his hand down the little boy’s shorts. With his other hand, the stranger began masturbating to the feel of the little boy’s genitals. The boy was powerless and felt completely helpless in this horrifying situation that he didn’t understand. His body immediately went numb and he tried desperately to shut off his brain as he closed his eyes. He wanted to forget the darkness, forget the smothering heat, forget this horrid violation; he just wanted to forget it all.
Before the world could turn into complete nothingness, a sharp, stabbing pain struck the boy on his arm. He opened his eyes and screamed out in pain. Grabbing his arm, he could feel a small, firm sliver. The little boy began wailing hysterically because the pain made the situation much more real. He was so frightened by the physical violations and the unknown pain on his arm that he did not notice the exit door opening. He only heard it slam shut. He went silent for a moment as he noticed he was the only person in the room now. The door to the aquarium swung open suddenly. Cool air swooped in from the air-conditioned aquarium, caressing his face and easing every breath. Standing in the light of the doorway was a woman, dressed in her green staff uniform. She looked at the sad little boy with a bright-eyed smile and said, “There you are! Your parents are so worried about you, how did you get in here?”
The little boy sobbed and rubbed his arm. The woman gently grabbed his arm to take a look at the pain then noticed the bee on the ground. “Oh sweetie, you’ve been stung by a bee…it will only hurt for a little while. Here you go,” she reached onto a nearby shelf, grabbed a band-aid from the first aid kit, and placed it on his arm. She placed her hand in his and guided him out of the utility closet. His parents came rushing over, enveloping him in hugs. With his arms tightly wound around his mom’s neck, the boy looked at the watch, 4:08. “Can we go home now?”

Kaal began trembling uncontrollably, falling to the floor in the midst of his traumatic remembrance. In his last moments of consciousness, Kaal saw Dr. Gallagher walk in to the office with a syringe in his hand.
He awoke the next morning to the loud banging in his head.
Bang… bang… bang…
8:04, right on time.

The End.