Segue

:Author Notes:
This was written for my short story writing class. I spent days trying to decide what to write. At work I found myself listening to Death Cab For Cutie constantly because it helped to ease my stressful days and suddenly this idea developed.
The song Soul Meets Body is not mine, but this story is. 10-9-05

Warnings: None.


Segue


“It’s a beautiful day. The clouds are all thin and wispy. A perfect autumn day.”

I look down at the lush grass and run my fingers through the cool jade strands. A warm breeze ruffles the leaves overhead and brings a little warmth to the shadowed spot where my voice is the only disturbance on this calm Sunday afternoon.

“I think it’s about 75 degrees, but you wouldn’t know it right here, would you? Too shady…but I guess that’s what makes it nice, huh?”

Mark doesn’t speak, but I don’t expect him to. I’ve moved beyond needing to hear him. I’m content now to just enjoy his company. I talk enough for the both of us.

“It’s peaceful here.”

I move from the cold uneven stone that has been grinding into my back and stretch out to lie in the thick grass.

“I don’t think I could stand it for very long. It’s gotta be so boring.”

I chuckle softly to myself because I know that Mark is rolling his eyes beside me. He’s always thought that I’m too impatient. He’s right. I am too impatient, but I’ve been learning. I was “a woman of action.” It’s a trait that has gotten me into a lot of trouble and has cost far too much. I’ve toned down some. I’ve toned down a lot. I hardly even move anymore.

“I’ve been good lately.”

I don’t worry about explaining the sudden subject change as I continue my thoughts out loud. Mark understands me. He’s had lots of experience decoding my chaotic thoughts which always have a habit of emerging in random order via my tongue.

Where’s the segue? That was a great running joke for a long time between Mark and Sarah and I. A good comic always sets up his jokes so that one leads smoothly to the next so that the audience doesn’t get confused. I could never be a good comic. I don’t smile enough anyway.

“Yeah.” I sigh and stare up at the periwinkle sky through shadowy branches. “I’ve been good… I’ve been going to work every day. I haven’t missed a single day. I’ve even been working lots of overtime. Keeping busy, you know.”

I feel so melancholy all of a sudden. Well, maybe it’s not so sudden. Maybe I just haven’t let myself dwell on things long enough to feel them.

Keeping busy.

“It feels like all I do is work and sleep now.”

I’m stagnating. It’s a terrible feeling.

“I feel like I haven’t moved in weeks. My muscles are so flabby now that it’s almost too hard just walking up the stairs at work. Pretty pathetic, huh?”

A bird glides by overhead, its shadow makes the sky blink and Mark just watches.

“I haven’t seen my dad in a few months.”

Hey, where’s the segue? I roll my own eyes.

“I know I should go see him… I wonder sometimes if it bothers him…but he’s got 11 other kids that he doesn’t see too.”

I know that’s a weak excuse. My brothers are both out of state and far away and my half brothers and sisters…well… They are all at least 15 years older and I’ve never known them. I’m the baby. I’m the one that has had dad the longest even if he was off working most of the time. 25 years is a long investment even if I’ve been on my own for the last 7 years. I glance over at Mark and feel suitably chastised despite his lack of words.

“I’ll go see him Tuesday after work.”

With a sigh, I spread my arms over the tickling, prickling emerald blades.

“It’s almost Thanksgiving. 4 day weekend this week. I… I don’t think that I’ll go this year. It doesn’t really feel right since I had to sell the house…and your sister turned Muslim. I still think she’s crazy. You know your nephew is 3 now, not that we ever see much of them, especially not for holidays. And Sarah will probably be upstate visiting her boyfriend too. It would just be me and your dad.”

I roll over onto my side and begin to pick at the grass. It’s so green, so vibrant, so alive. It’s kind of soothing how something can be so alive and yet so still. It’s a nice, rich, dark green. My favorite color. Absently, I wonder what Sarah is doing today. Is she still going to church? It is Sunday after all. That’s something I always admired about her. She still goes to church unlike myself. Mark and I always sleep in on Sundays and, well, I haven’t really felt like going to church in a long time. Not that that’s any excuse either.

“I can’t even keep in touch with my own dad. It doesn’t feel right to sit and try to make small talk with yours.”

I look up at Mark yet again. I know he understands, but I still feel guilty as he looks silently back at me. We stare at one another until I can’t anymore and my gaze falls back to the grass. I did try to keep in touch but it’s so much easier to let everything pass by. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Everyone seemed so busy the few times I’ve talked to them. Well… I guess life can’t stop for just anyone. I tried calling Sarah, but like with everything else the space between words has grown longer and longer. She has her own life to deal with.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

Where’s the segue? I laugh softly again, but it sounds hollow to me.

“Sarah’s been off for a while. She hasn’t been talking to me. I don’t know… I guess maybe she doesn’t know what she’s doing either. You know what she’s like. Everything is a crisis to her and two people with a crisis… I guess we’re both too busy. I can wait, though. She’s still my best friend and I’m not going anywhere.”

I never knew that speaking was so hard. I guess that’s why I don’t talk so much. I don’t have the energy to expend anymore. My voice sounds so weary.

“She’s got her son and her job to juggle and you know how stressed she always is from that. I think she’s starting to become like me and you know how good I am with communication. I mean, look at me. The only person I talk to doesn’t talk back.”

I’m so alone.

Everything is quiet for a long time except for the rustle of leaves and chirping of birds in the trees. I lie tired and alone in the cool stillness and a painful twisty feeling oozes around deep down inside. It is a wormy, uncomfortable feeling that took root nearly a year ago and still hasn’t faded away. Everything else has faded, the scars, the pains, the memories. Even the ones I wanted to keep with me. All of it has faded and continues to fade like photographs left out in the sun.

“I can’t believe…” My voice runs out and I have to start again. “I can’t believe we made it to the top. That last summit was so hard. But we did. We made it and even with the rain it was like we could see forever…like we could see eternity. Do you remember it?”

My voice falters and I clear my throat, distractedly ripping up strands of silent grass. Why am I here again? Oh yes. I can’t forget that. I’m done…languishing.

It’s time to move again.

“I’m gonna go back. This holiday weekend will be perfect. Perfect weather this time.”

I grin and laugh, imagining what a challenge the climb will be. Just like it was the first time. My laugh breaks roughly as I remember.

“You’ll come with me, won’t you?”

Sniffing, I tear more green strands from the earth.

“Of course you will. You always come. I won’t take no for an answer. We’ll climb to the summit again and stare into eternity and it’ll be awesome.”

It’s so quiet here that my rasping, cheerful voice sounds like a travesty.

“I’ll even bring a bottle of Mountain Dew for us.”

Pushing up onto my knees I reach out and caress my fingers over slick and jagged stone. I know that Mark appreciates it, a real headstone. Not one of those pristine manufactured things. A whole hunk of white quartz the size of three cinder blocks, raw and crystalline and cloudy. It almost glows under the shady cove of trees. Just rough hewn stone and a plaque; a molded rocky landscape in bronze relief against the rising sun, a tiny figure clinging to the sheer face as he defies logic and fear to reach that last impossible distance.

At least, that is what I see in the dark metal surface.

Mark Dungree
Son and Husband
Always Loved, Never Forgotten
March 10, 1978 – Dec. 1, 2004

It’s been almost a year now, since our last trip, and even the memory of that wet cliff has begun to fade. The trauma of feeling him fade away in my arms. A honeymoon cut short by my impatience. Ended because I wouldn’t wait one day. One day for the rain to stop.

“I haven’t climbed in a while and the calluses on my hands are smooth again. It’ll be harder this time without any practice, but we did it once, didn’t we?”

I turn away from the memorial and breathe deeply. We did it once. Made it all the way. We were home free until the rain turned heavy. We should have waited. After 7 years of exploring the our wild world together in weekend long leaps and bounds, I’m going to spend my one year anniversary…alone.

It’s not fair. Where was that segue? It wasn’t me that left it out that time.

“You really took your time asking me to marry you, you know. I should have turned you down. Maybe we’d still be looking for that perfect summit.”

The guilt worms deep down, eating me alive.

“You should have let me catch myself.”

I wipe at my cloudy eyes, cloudy like white quartz.

“So I’m gonna head up and we’re gonna have another go at that summit. Just you wait. It’ll be amazing all over again. You just make sure you keep up with me. ‘Cause I ain’t stopping for anything.”

One more time. I’m going once more. I think I need this. Because I once could do anything. I’ve never given up just for the pain before. It’s the pain that proves that you are alive. If you can overcome the pain, then you know you can accomplish anything. When that raw burn takes over every thought until you can’t feel anything else and all you can see through your sweat and tears is the next step, the next crack, the next hand hold... When you can feel where your body ends and your soul begins and it is your soul that keeps you going because mere flesh hasn’t got the will to continue by itself... That is when you know you’re almost there. Just a little more and you’re there.

Then you drag yourself up and stand on the edge of creation in awe and defiant triumph over the worst odds and the pain finally fades away. It becomes something beautiful.

And it’s worth it all.

“One more time. Up…and down again. I’m going to move again. I can’t sit still anymore and I need my partner. First rule, remember? Always have a partner.”

I stand and look at Mark again. My Mark. I never imagined I would ever get married until I met him and even then it took 6 years to happen. I don’t think it will happen again.

“You’ll catch me if I fall, right?”

He looks silently back at me and I give a small smile.

“Of course you will. You always do.”

The cool, crisp grass crunches beneath my boots as I walk back to my jeep, avoiding the flat simple path that winds through the graveyard. Slowly I approach the weathered and worn vehicle, well loved and sadly abused as it is, it has always been my faithful chariot into the unknown. As steadfast and unfaltering as I ever was.

On the windshield beneath one tattered wiper lies a pristine sheet of folded paper that flaps in the breeze. After a contemplative moment, I tug it free and crinkle it open. Inside is a simple note scrawled in flowing, loopy pen.

Hey, Liz. Didn’t want to bother you. You didn’t answer your phone, but then again, neither did I. I got your message and guess what? Like hell are you going by yourself. Gimme a call. If you gotta drag my ass up that mountain, then that’s what you’re gonna do, ‘cause I’m coming whether you like it or not.
Sarah.

I smile again, a little wider this time and I nod to myself. Folding the letter, I slip it into my pocket and climb into the jeep. I guess I better call her. The engine growls to life, rumbling impatiently as I continue to sit in the parking lot for a long minute. Over the old sound system crackles the thin reedy warble of a song and I reach over to the radio and set it on repeat, singing softly along with the static-y speakers.

*I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body*

*Inspirational Song by: Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body