My Forbidden Love

Background History:

Alyssa and I were best friends, some people even thought us as sisters because we were always together. Alyssa’s family was pretty complicated just like mine was. Her family treated her like dirt and eventually abandoned her denying they ever had a daughter. So since Alyssa had no where to go my mother took her in and Alyssa’s mother handed all her rights over which Alyssa was more than happy about. Anyway so Alyssa lived with us now. Alyssa and I both had jobs and she had a brand new car that she had just bought with the money she had saved up for the past 5 or 6 years, and I used my mothers car, which I really didn’t care about since I almost had enough money to buy my own car.

My mother and father were divorced and I lived with my mother in Baltimore. My dad and his family all lived in Philadelphia, PA. I never really cared much for my dad or his family, actually I hated his family. My Dad unfortunately had Hepatitis C from being a drug addict. His entire family was either drug addicts or alcoholics. Well in May of 2001 right after I had graduated from 8th grade my father was diagnosed with siroccos, which is a disease that slowly deteriorates you’re liver. Unfortunately in January of 2002 my father passed away. Of course I was devastated even though I may not have liked him I still loved him and cared about him.

Later that year in August of 2002 my grandmother passed away and my mothers family was devastated it was out of no where. This year hadn’t gone to well for us, first my father died and now my grandmother. So my mother had eventually decided she wanted to get a will just in case. So in any case if my mother would happen to die both Alyssa and I would live with my brother. She had money from my father’s death which was all for me and from my grandmother’s death since my mother got a third of her money since she had two brothers. So all of that was in an account of course all the money my father gave to me I couldn’t have until I was old enough because of responsibility issues in the law, but of course I was going to use that for my education anyway. And of course all of my mother’s money including my grandmothers would be split between my brother and I, and any of her belongings we would want to keep or sell for that matter.

So Alyssa and I were about to go to high school, summer was almost only and hopefully all the tragedies were too. Both Alyssa and I were going to Seton Keough. Of course that was my only choice of a high school. Alyssa was supposed to go to Catonsville but after being around me all summer and helping me with a lot of stuff at Keough and learning about it especially after she found out there track team was number one in the country, she was all over the idea.

In October of 2004 Alyssa and I were sophomores now and have been in school now for only 2 months. I have been on varsity volleyball, lacrosse and field hockey since my freshman year and Alyssa has been on the track and cross country team since her freshman year. We had a fun day at school on Friday, since Halloween was on Saturday; we had to celebrate it on Friday. We had an assembly and we had a contest for best costumes, like every other year. My mom went out with her friends to a party, so my brother came down and stayed because even though she trusted us she always worried. Alyssa and I met up with some of our friends and hung out. We got home around 12:00 and went to bed. Around 2:30 my brother got a telephone call from the University of Maryland Hospital saying my mom was hit head on by a drunk driver and so we needed to come down to the hospital.

My brother drove his car down and Alyssa and I both followed in our car. When we got down there they told us that she hadn’t made it. Alyssa and I were in complete shock, they took us down to the morgue and I couldn’t go in there I was too scared. My brother went in first because they needed someone to identify the body. When my brother walked back out his face was pale. He told us they needed him to sign paper work so he went upstairs with the doctor. Alyssa looked at me she knew what I was thinking. “Do you want me to call Fr. Tim?” I nodded my head I was at a loss for words. She put her arm around me and we walked upstairs, to get a signal on our cell phones.

My mom and I had met Fr. Tim when I was in OLV in 4th grade. He did a lot for us, mostly me, especially these last few years with my dad and my grandmother’s death. There is another story behind mine and Fr. Tim’s relationship. In 5th grade I realized I had a crush on him, he found out when I was in 6th grade, and when I was in 8th grade around the time I was being confirmed, but I didn’t give it to him until I was in the middle of my sophomore year. After I had already given him the letter Alyssa told me that she found it one day and showed it to Ms. Gloria. Ms. Gloria is the Director of Religious Education at OLV; she has also known Fr. Tim for a very long time. Ms. Gloria has always been a second mother to me. She was even my Confirmation sponsor and she was the first one I ever told that I had a crush on Fr. Tim and she helped me with it. Well anyway, Ms. Gloria read it and told Alyssa to put it back and let me give it to him when I’m ready.

This is the letter I wrote to him.

Dear Fr. Tim,

I don’t know where to start but I guess I will start by thanking you, I know you have heard this a million times, but it’s true you have helped me over and over again and I can’t thank you enough. You have been there for me when I needed you. You promised me I could talk to you any time about anything no matter what it was. Now here is the reason I am writing to you. I’m writing to tell you I am in love with you. Yes, that is what I said I am in love with you. I know you are probably in total shock right now and you have a million things going through your head right now. Like I’m too young to be in love to know what it is. It’s only a crush and it will go away. See the thing is I do know what love is and I know it’s not a crush and it will never go away. I really am in love with you and I have been for over a year now. Now you’re probably thinking why I am choosing to tell you this now. Well, the reason is because I can’t stand to keep it inside me it drives me insane. I have dreams every night about being with you and making love to you. It’s not the dreams that make me love you or because I think you may look like Elvis. I just know I am completely in love with you. No matter what I do I won’t stop loving you. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking of you a lot and know we can never be kills me inside. I’m not happy too often except when I’m around you or Ms. Gloria and sometimes around Alyssa. But usually any other time I only put up a front to make everyone happy. I know I can’t talk to my mom about this because she doesn’t understand because I tried before and she just wouldn’t listen and I hate talking to my mom about any of my problems I have. So that’s why I talk to Ms. Gloria about them, but I just couldn’t tell her because I was afraid she would look at me differently. That’s also why I could never tell you this to you’re face because you would probably distance yourself from me and I didn’t want that to happen because you have been a very good friend to me. I wouldn’t want you to think of me differently or not be able to come to my Confirmation or graduation party or other events I invite you to because of my love for you. I’ve thought about going to a therapist but I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it unless I had you with me by my side. I thought you needed to know this because I can no longer keep it bottled up inside like I have for the past year or two. Please help me! I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY!

With all my love,
Krista

After Fr. Tim read the letter he called me and said he would like to talk to me about the letter I wrote to him. So we set up a time for me to come and talk to him. Fr. Tim and I sat down together and talked about it. He kept telling me that he was a priest and he devoted himself to god. Part of me wanted to get over him but the other part of me wanted to hold onto him forever. I actually tried to take in what he was telling me but it was useless, I didn’t want to hear all this crap all I have ever wanted to do was kiss him. For years I have wanted to, but I didn’t and it took everything in me not to. Little did I know Fr. Tim had feelings for me too.

As I was opening the door to leave he called after me. “Krista.” I turned to look a him. He walked over to me his face meer inches from mine. He pushed his office door closed and I couldn’t think at that moment with him so close to me. He hugged me so I hugged him back it felt so good to be in his arms. He pulled back to look into my eyes and leaned down and kissed my lips softly. His lips were soft, and oh so warm. I was shocked, I pushed myself back. He didn’t look alarmed, so I knew it wasn’t my fault for what just happened. He initiated everything.

“Do you really think that I don’t have feelings for women Krista?”

“Well no, I know you’re still a man, Father.”

We both laughed quietly at that.

“Father, I just never thought you’d ever like someone like me.”

“What is there not to like Krista? You’re a beautiful person…inside, and out.”

My mind was reeling. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I had gotten myself into exactly what I had wanted for so long.

“I just, thought you didn’t notice me or something.” I said as I turned to leave.

“Oh my dear, you are wrong again. I’ve noticed you for quite some time.” He paused briefly, as if pondering what he would say next. “And I can tell you…you also have been causing me some difficulties.”

“What do you mean Father?” I felt bad.

“Well, I’ve had to confess some things also.”

He looked at me, trying to judge my feelings, seeing if he could proceed.

It seemed almost a forethought that we were still entwined in the hug that we had shared earlier. The duration of this little talk, my arms were around his neck, and he had his around my waist. I felt something stirring in my own groin, but I once again shrugged it off.

“Krista…you are so beautiful to me…and yet so innocent that you don’t even realize this yourself.” And with that, he kissed me again, tightening his hold on me, and before he broke free of the kiss, he sucked on my bottom lip.

I thought to myself that his lips definitely should be a sin.

He kissed my neck, right under my jaw, and then came back to meet my gaze. At the position we were at now, he was standing, looking down at me, I was a few inches shorter than he was.

He went to kiss me again, but instead of doing just that, I noticed…is it…he was…pushing his groin into me.

That’s when I felt it. He was rock hard.

I felt like exploding.

“See the effect you have on me Krista?”

I looked down at the floor.

“Oh Krista…you are so immaculate…don’t be afraid.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck even more and kissed him back, letting him know I wanted him too. I was intoxicated with everything going on. Not only was I kissing the man whom I have been in love with for years, but he was kissing me back.
I thought to myself I can’t do this, what am I doing? It felt so right yet so wrong. I pushed away from him and looked down at the ground with tears in my eyes. He lifted my chin and tried to kiss me again but I moved my head so he couldn’t kiss me. “Stop.” I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and we made eye contact. His eyes were looking into mine searching for an answer. “Krista, what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” He asked concerned. “I have to go home.” I told him opening the door. “Krista wait I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” He didn’t finish his sentence when he saw me run outside the rectory. After that day he decided to forget it ever happened, but I didn’t.

Alyssa called Fr. Tim and he said he would get there as fast as he could. We were sitting in the ER waiting for him to arrive. I looked down at the necklace that had TBK written on it, which were Fr. Tim’s initials. I needed him more now than I have ever needed anyone in my life. He was the only person who had never let me down. I didn’t realize Alyssa had been watching me the entire time.

Alyssa and I knew each other like a book we could finish each others sentences, and know what the other was thinking and all we had to do was look each other in the eye and we knew what the other wanted to say without actually saying it. Sometimes this was a good thing and other times it annoyed both of us.

Alyssa looked up to see Fr. Tim almost running to get to us. Alyssa tapped me on the shoulder and nodded towards Fr. Tim. I stood up and ran into his arms. “I got here as soon as I could Krista.” He said stroking my back soothingly. “I know.” I said with my face hidden in his chest sobbing. “Shh…shh…I’m here now. Let’s get this over with ok?” I nodded my head and pulled away and looked up at him. He wiped the tears on my cheeks away with his thumbs.

He led both of us downstairs to the morgue. We stopped right in front of the doors and I took a deep breath. “Let me go in first.” Alyssa said looking at me and then up at Fr. Tim and he nodded.

Alyssa’s face was pale when she came back out. “Krista, don’t go in there. You shouldn’t have to see that.” Alyssa said with tears in her eyes. “Don’t let her go in there.” Alyssa said looking at Fr. Tim. “What? What is it?” I asked not knowing what Alyssa meant. When Alyssa didn’t say anything I ran in there and I saw my mother lying there dead. The sight was horrible, her body was so cut up you could barely tell who it was. “Nooooo…” I fell to the ground sobbing. “Nooo…no…no…no…”

Alyssa and Fr. Tim heard her scream and Fr. Tim ran in there and took a quick glace at the body and swallowed a lump in his throat. “Krista, come on, you shouldn’t be in here.” Fr. Tim said kneeling down to pick her up in his arms. “No, stop it! Let me go!” I kept hitting him taking my anger out on him, but he didn’t care he held onto me and carried me out of the room. I kept hitting him hard but he never let me go. “Alyssa I’m going to take Krista to the rectory with me because she needs to rest and she won’t do that unless someone makes her, so you can follow me over there and could you call Carey for me and tell him that I’ll take care of Krista and to not worry that I will call him tomorrow.” Alyssa nodded her head. “No, I don’t want to go anywhere! Let me go you bastard! Get off of me!” I screamed at him. “Krista stop it!” He yelled at me. I stopped hitting him when he yelled; I realized I was hurting him. I hid my head in his shoulder and began crying.

Fr. Tim walked upstairs with me still in his arms, with Alyssa and walked outside. “I’ll meet you at the rectory then?” Alyssa said to Fr. Tim. “Yes, the back door to the kitchen will be open so just come in.” Alyssa nodded her head and walked back inside the hospital to find my brother Carey and tell him what was going on. Fr. Tim walked over to his car and opened the back door and laid her down on the backseat.

So Fr. Tim drove me to the rectory, by the time we got there I was fast asleep. He unlocked the door from the garage that led into the rectory and opened the door and got me out of the car and shut the car door. He walked inside with me and shut the door and took me upstairs to his bedroom. And laid me down on his bed and covered me up. He walked out of his bedroom and stopped in his doorway and turned to look back at me. ‘She looks like an angel when she sleeps.’ He thought to himself and sighed. “I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Krista why do you have to have such an effect on me?” He whispered to himself and walked downstairs to the kitchen to get himself a drink.

Alyssa parked her car in the rectory driveway and saw Fr. Tim in the kitchen. Alyssa walked inside. “How’s Krista doing?” She asked him when she walked inside. “She’s upstairs in my bedroom sleeping, she fell asleep in the car.” “That’s good she needs to sleep, I stopped home and got some clothes.” Fr. Tim nodded his head. “You need to get some rest too. You should stay with Krista anyway.” Alyssa nodded her head and followed Fr. Tim upstairs. Before she walked into the bedroom she turned around and looked at Fr. Tim. “You know this means a lot to Krista, with you helping her and all.” Fr. Tim nodded his head. “I’m in lo…” He caught himself before he said it. “I would do anything for Krista and you also.” Alyssa looked at him in shock. “You’re what?” She asked. “Nothing, you should get some sleep.” He said turning to go downstairs. Alyssa stopped him and he turned around to look at him. “You’re in love with her aren’t you?” Alyssa asked knowing the answer. Fr. Tim looked at her and then looked at the ground. “I thought so.” Alyssa said. “I won’t tell Krista because one it would get her hopes up and two it should be your decision to tell her if you ever want to tell her.” Fr. Tim looked at her. “Thank you.” He whispered and turned to walk downstairs.

The next morning was hard for everyone they were all planning the funeral so it was pretty intense. The funeral was really hard, but it was easier since I had Fr. Tim with me. Of course Fr. Tim did the funeral, but he also came to all the viewings and stayed with me the entire time. The viewing at the funeral home was packed there were people standing outside because too many people were in the funeral home at one time. There were at least 250 cars and motorcycles in the funeral procession. All my family which is a lot since my grandmother was Italian, all the people from Our Lady of Victory and Seton Keough, all her classmates from school when she went to Archbishop Keough, all her friends from work and all her friends from Daniel’s, and of course all my brothers friends and mine and Alyssa’s friends. There was a reception that Our Lady of Victory provided for us which was very generous of them.

We had to sell our house because we needed money to pay off medical bills and to get a lawyer to file a law suite against the kid who killed my mother. My brother didn’t want to take money out of the money my mother left for my brother and I because that was going to have to go towards mine and Alyssa’s education especially now because my brother had to care for both of us and send us to school he would have to use all the money my mom left us which wasn’t a lot considering the cost of an education today.

It was really hard after she died, I didn’t want to do anything anymore. It’s like I went into a deep depression. It was really difficult especially for my brother because money was very scarce for us. That’s when Fr. Tim stepped in and helped us. He went to the Archdiocese and talked to them and told them about our situation and he said he would be happy to let Alyssa and I come and live in the rectory. The Archdiocese was very kind and luckily agreed to it. So Alyssa and I moved in immediately.