Guide To The Best Porn Fic EVER!

How to make the best porn fic EVER.


People in the streets have often come up to me and have asked, “Hey Hank. How do I write a really bitchin’ porno fan fic?”

And then I say. “Who the hell are you!? How do you know me!?”

The last guy that asked me I ran over with my truck but that’s getting away from the topic. The topic here is ‘How to write a the best porn fic EVER!’

I don’t mean to blow my own horn here but I’ve read a lot of porn fics and I’ve taken this down to a professional art. Sort of like yoga, and that other thing that involves you bending your ass over your head. The key to writing something both artistic and boner inducing can seem like a tough feat at first but after this guide I’m sure you’ll do fine. Remember the keys to success lay within getting everything right the first time and taking it as personally as possible when someone says you’ve made a mistake, or your grammar needs work, or that you have the talent equivalent to that of a duck clubbed to death by howling apes with stale Doritos. (Just a tip here: If you’re first fan fic sucks then you should never try again, because you’ll never be good if you’re not good to start with. Real talent doesn’t need practice, look at N’Sync and Backstreet Boys.) Now comes the step by step of what needs to be done. You may skip ahead to what most closely relates to you or if you wish to broaden your horizon, then please read each section as they are listed.


1.) A General Porno Fic!

This is a standard fiction where a man and a woman come together to cause the frictions of love. In most cases the attraction is accidental but was always there to begin with. The idea behind these types of fics is so that the author can be chastised in every feasible way for being unoriginal by his or her readers. A fic made with a man and a woman going at it is unheard of these days in most categories of porno fan fiction. If we look in the direction of Harry Potter you’ll find that the entire section in overrun with fan-girls hell bent on producing as much man on man sex as possible. It is to my belief that if any single straight Harry Potter fics are submitted, immediately a secret society of vanilla midgets are sent out with their lead archers to cast down unholy retribution upon the fic until it becomes non-existent in cyberspace. These fics are usually written down on paper, but if found the author may have to suffer penalty of death due to being a ‘stupid fag’.

So coming away from the Harry Potter section we find ourselves in the general area of anime. My personal favorite I might add. In these fics you’ll find the standard male on female fics to usually be between the main character and the ‘other woman.’ It’s probably good to note now that porno fan fics, or romances in general, usually don’t deal with the lead man and lead lady. These are once again considered ‘unoriginal and overdone.’ Believe me every one and their grandma has made an erotic sex story about the two main characters. Be original and make it between the two most undesirable characters in the entire series. (Example: Dragon Ball Z – Krillin + Lunch. Ranma ½ - Mousse + Kodachi. Or if you’re going for real life situations. Ziegfried + Not Roy)

One must always remember that, while making a general erotic fic, no one in the world is going to appreciate it but you because you just can\'t be original like all these other people that rip off the manga/cartoon/book/tv series/freakin’ anything, and come up with something new. So if you’re starting out, remember to not write a standard male on female fic because they’ve all been done before. You’re going to need an angle and you’re going to need it fast. This is where specifying your genre comes into play.


2.) Finding something specific and something that’s never been done before. Yaoi!

Want to make a good name for yourself as an expressive writer with leaps and bounds of talent? Just write a Yaoi! For those of you that don’t know what’s hip anymore then you may as well take a brick to your face and smash repeatedly. A Yaoi is a man on man fic between either the two hottest guys in what ever you are doing, the two most shunned and misunderstood guys, or all of them at once. I said earlier that fan fiction has been pretty much overrun with fan girl writing about two men ‘thrusting wildly into each other’ and then ‘spilling his seed in his hot spot.’ (These are terms I’ll go into later towards the end.) I honestly can’t tell you in full how to write a Yaoi, but if you want to play in the big league then hit up Harry Potter.

On a side note the Harry Potter section will never have a Harry on Ron fic because these are once again unoriginal. We have to remember that there are boundaries with every thing in fics so keep your eyes peeled. The reason no one writes a male on male fic with Ron and Harry is because any one can and therefore won’t. Something that no one will ever see coming is a Harry + Draco fusion. I think it’s because they hate each other or something like that.

Now getting away from Harry Potter once again we need to find something that’s unbelievably original and something no one will see coming. Let us turn our attention to Disney. Going back one step any brain dead dolt can tell you who goes together with whom, but you’re here to create art. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will do as a perfect example. Nothing says, ‘Applaud me!’ like a seven way gangbang between a bunch of short crusty old farts and a mute retard. See it’s perfect and later on in the fic you can completely CO Snow White, leave her for dead and have the prince go off and fornicate with the dwarves and you can somehow work in a triple penetration like Dopey shoving his cock in the prince\'s ear.

For super originality you can do Charlie and the Chocolate factory but I’m not touching that one with any measure of stick. You’re on your own.

On a final note remember to always put an authors note at the bottom of your first Yaoi fic that reads something like, ‘Whew! Ok my first yaoi fic ever! lolo! Please be kind reviewing… >X D!!! Tell me what you think!’ You’ll be an instant hit and every one will love you regardless of if the fic was actually good or not.


3.) Struggling to find something that’s a little more artistic suits your talent? Male Pregnancy!

I can see you now. Sitting in your shitty computer chair with your cheesy stained fingers trying desperately to think of something that can exit your mind and flow onto screen to keep that fic in tension. Fear not for Male Pregnancy exists! Lets say you’ve just done a Gundam Wing fic and you can’t figure out how to get the pony-tailed guy to accept his gayness and marry Hiro. Hiro can come back to him after crying for three months and show him his potbelly. Hot guy with ponytail gets confused and Hiro explains their child on its way. It’s sweet and now the ponytail guy falls in love with the idea of being a daddy. I must confess that I have no idea about how the birthing cycle is suppose to happen but I’m sure Hiro’s not going to like it. One stretched pee-hole later you’ve got yourself a masterpiece. Just one catch though… Politics! That’s right! In the event of any good old yaoi fic and especially ones involving male pregnancy there must be some underline statement about people judging them and how it’s not socially accepted even in this new day and age. Have you watched Queer as Folk yet? Quick you fool! Turn on the TV and start taking notes! This is some good shit!


4.) Something’s missing… What would I do if I was there? Self-Insertion and Crossovers!

Oh, lord! What is this fabulous idea!? This is called self-insertion. This is where you enter into the spotlight and ‘be yourself.’ Being yourself involves you not acting in any way like yourself and giving yourself a fake name, abilities and other things you don’t really have in real life.

I know I hear you. You’re saying, “But Hank! If I call it a self insertion and put in a poser version of myself, that’s not really a self insertion is it?”

This is the point in which I pull a shovel out of the back of my truck and crack you one over the head. “You idiot! This is exactly how you write one!!!”

You see what I did there. I just portrayed myself doing something that I’d probably never do. But it would be comical nonetheless. I could have gone all out and gone super sayjin before smacking you with said shovel, but not before Goku got sucked into the matrix and battled Neo for his freedom. Maybe we can throw some extra spice in the pot by having me get intimate with Bulma and eventually cheat on her with Yamcha, or better yet! It can turn into a self-insertion cross over! We can make the main villain that guy from the Bee Gees, me as the hero, and have Kenshin as my gay lover, but before he gives his life for me in battle with the Village People with the power of YMCA and their sailor scout powers of plowing each others asses. And then Gohan can be my new love and we can go super sayjin as we punch the donut thus having the secret technique of ultra-jizz-kamahamaha-bukkake-rush-grand-slam with the power level of 600,000,000 cum projectiles! Holy crap! I’m a frickin’ genius!

Next up something a little more authentic.


5.) Spike Speagal’s been a naughty boy. Have can I punish him? Bondage!

Every one is sketchy about it at first but lets face it people, we love to be whipped and burnt. We love to have a vibrator shove up some orifice of our body against our will and eventually get into it. Whips and chains have always been a favorite for the depressed drama student. Nothing says sex like some one’s ass hanging out of the back of some leather chaps. The fan fic agenda just hasn’t had enough of this thrown in. Having some one jab a needle through your tit is kind of like having an enema. A bit painful at first but a feeling of all the bad piled up shit in your life just seems to wash away after being performed. Here’s a good example. Take two women. Yes that’s right this is the opposite of a Yaoi, this is called Yuri. Speaking of which lets use the stars from Dirty Pair. Kay and Yuri. Let’s say Kay was being a bitch to Yuri and decided to stomp out of their apartment. Well some time later after self-reflection and a hint of a mild confessed love Yuri starts to feel dizzy and soon passes out in the middle of the street. When she wakes up she finds herself suspended in the air with a gag over her mouth. Her vision clears and there’s Key! In a body strap! And a dildo!

You see where I’m going with this? You can fill in the blanks yourself on this one so get to it. What’s the twist you ask? Well the twist is simple yet ground breaking at the same time. Yuri can’t stand the sexual torture she’s going through, but soon after penetrations start she’ll start to get into it and soon she’ll be begging for it. “OH GOD! STICK IT ALL THE WAY IN! PLEASE! GOD! OH GOD! I’M GONNA CUM! I’M GONNA CCCCUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!” (Extended words build a tense scene.) And she came furiously on Kay’s finger. Yada, yada, ect, ect. After one of these fics some one is bound to praise you for your efforts. Now lets go onto a real hot topic.


6.) I bet no one’s expecting this! Poo on the one you love!

Personally I’m turned off by the whole subject of pooing on someone, but this topic cannot be over looked. Here we find ourselves not know how else to express our most basic instinct of pleasure. Taking a crap. These fics are usually avoided due to being a little too original however there is a market for them. Let’s take something I know best and go to Ranma ½ one more time.

We see Kasumi the sweetest girl on the face of the earth. She cooks, she cleans, she says her prayers before she goes to bed at night, but one night she sneaks into Ranma’s room for a midnight snack. After confessing her love for him they screw each other faster then a couple of jack rabbits and she cums no less then three times. You may want to include a lesbian scene in there if you know the series but this is your option. Now after they lay silent for a little while she eventually turns to him and says. “I need you to do something for me… Close your eyes.” Ranma wooed by her teasing will comply and after a few moments she’ll be squatting just over his chest and proceed to twist a three curler on him. After the coiler is planted on him he decides to find out what it is she did to his chest and upon discovering that Kasumi has given him a Hot Carl, his breath is taken away and he’s stunned. This would be the point where she follows through and starts to give him a Cleveland Steamer. I won’t go into detail but he’ll eventually get into it and wish to be pooed upon once again. Bavarian Goggles can be worked in as well but there would have to be an initial tea-bagging before hand to prompt it.

So remember. Nothing says ‘I love you…’ quite like pinching a loaf on your loved one.


Now that I’ve covered the basics in writing a porn fic it’s time to find out what terms you can use and phases that are number one hits. One of the personal favorites is ‘He stuck his fiery shaft in (Male name here)’s hot spot.’ Another couple of thrilling one liners that’ll get your audience masturbating thoroughly is this little number right here. ‘As she came her vaginal walls clamed around his penis as her juices flowed across his hot rod. Fire shot through her body as she came furiously and as he thrust wildly into her he felt her juices and spilled his seed inside her.’

One thing you must always remember with writing an erotic fic is that the woman is always and I mean ALWAYS suppose to cum before the guy. Foreplay is hardly necessary in the real world so feel free to leave it out if you can, but if you feel the need to give your readers the fullest of your imagination write something like, “His tongue became an electric eel inside her. The warm worm touched the tip of her g-spot and teased it, something something, words, words.”

Another successful way to get attention in your fics is misspelling things and writing them on a word pad with absolutely no check whatsoever. Green and red lines be damned! They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about; you’re an artist damnit! Express your frustrations and labors with lousy spelling! Grab life by the balls and make the into teh! Use obscenely large words like Adgartuation! That’s not even a real word, but that doesn’t matter because in your upcoming Yaoi, Yuri, Bi, Toys, Bondage, S&M, Anal, Vampire, Scat fic, you’re allowed to do this. A half ass job is still a job nonetheless and should be admired by all. If some one says you suck then feel free to delete their post review because they clearly don’t know a good piece of work when they see it. Insult them by writing something in a journal behind their backs and bitching to all your friends about ‘assholes that don’t understand you.’ Be sure to prompt people to e-mail you so that they can bug you to continue writing your Star Trek/Star Wars fantasy porn fic staring special guests Optimus Prime and Robocock, for some sort of self worth. This is your time to get writing and show the world what you got. Get to it and follow this guide closely. Best of luck!


(Feel free to do what ever you want with this little joke guide. Copy it, steal it, burn it, anything. After a while everything I read has some sort of redundancy to it, so keep it fresh and keep it the way you want it. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I sure as hell can read. It’s all fun and games so remember to rock on and party hard.)