White Walls

White Walls

Disclaimer: or something... This all belongs to me except for the little italicized parts which are lyrics of various songs.Includes APC OLP Garbage Linkin Park and more! gee how nice...-Rant, Journal, Angst, something out of my head-

Staring at the white walls
it feels good
when the sun don\'t shine

Its like white walls. everything is pure and you are tainted. Black. So you stand there completey isolated from everything. WDF, My brain is reeling again. Theres blood in the vision of my eyes, my arms, and him. And for the first time I realize that I am a masochist... except that doesn\'t make any sense since I hurt him... I think.

And you don\'t know how I feel.

I save this song for those times when I can\'t stop everything. Stop time, stop pain stop myself most of all. I save it and then its on and the knife is there right next to my hand and I cant help myself. Not anymore.

Its you, Its you.

Its been all too long since I\'ve felt the blood slide down my arm. Too long since I\'ve felt even an ounce of release, relief. I still don\'t know from what, but its constricting. Its been months since I promiced. Months since the incident.

you wanted a hero tonight

But I don\'t. I don\'t want a hero. I hurt everyone I\'ve ever loved. Well... no... not exactly. There was Lina. She\'s still here. In some ways. But she always makes me feel better and then says something that makes it all come crashing down.
You don\'t agree with someone who\'s drunk and has a knife in their hand dammit. You don\'t say that life is worthless and that if they choose to ruin their\'s because of that it\'s their fuck-up. You just don\'t. But then I laughed. I made a gash and laughed. Ten seconds later I realized what I did and fell with a sickening thud, to my knees, on the floor and apologised for my stupidity. Ofcourse she said it\'s ok. Thats what she said, but I can tell... Its easy for me to tell it wasn\'t ok. I fucked up again.
Then we made plans to go out for sushi the week after and fell asleep on the bed. Its Lina. Thats how everything goes.
And besides. I don\'t love anyone. So I can\'t realy hurt them. Its easier to scar myself instead. Myself I hate.

I woke up depressed and drained

I did. I always wake up depressed, and I don\'t really sleep enough to wake up refreshed. Even when I do, I wake up even more restless. Except now I\'ve wasted time too. And no dreams to occupy my working mind. GODDAMIT will my mind ever stop?

Mr. Sandman... bring me a dream...

Sound familiar? I sure as hell hope so. hm. Lets change the direction of this conversation... I\'m not sure wherethis is going again. This sounds more like my Grade nine Literary Exam. That was interesting. I still remember how sick I was of that class, that stupid teacher... her mindless topics and broken grammar. I don\'t understand where they pick these English teachers. I would sit in class and sneer at her the whole time. Shes give an assignment and I\'d spend half the time talking to someone about something wishing they would shut up already because I\'m running out of words again and again I stop and they start as if their whole life relies on keeping that converstaion going. Eventually I\'d just turn away and do my work just for the sake of not having to utter another word.
But theres always too much time. And not enough.
English class was one of those that lasted a bit too long.
I would correct the teachers grammar and she would scoff and tell me to stop reading all those books. Now tell me I\'m not justified in my hatred... so I decided to give her something; maybe get her empty skull to sprout a brain. I finished my exam and wrote an essay about the unjust world, about the stupid teachers, about how blind everyone is. All that shit.
She gave me near perfect marks. Then changed them right in front of my eyes.
I guess shes not as stupid as I though. Just a bitch.

I\'m tired of being what you want me to be.

What do you want me to be? My mother wants me to do well in school. To be a lawyer, a doctor, an architect. Anything that bores me out of my mind and brings a lot of money. I\'m lying though, I can argue a point. I choose not to. Its pointless.
Besides, I don\'t think you can get into law school if you\'ve just passed your classes with minimum attendance. You can;t exactly get very high grades when you spend the year on pot, on codein, from loss of blood, lack of sleep, malnutrition and locked up in the bathroom trying to breathe when you should be in french class, english, math, business... connect the dots. Then again, its hard to fail when you practicaly live in the library out of school.
So I forgot to hand in a few major assignments, and skipped half my exams. Oh well... I passed. And they\'re all still oblivious. God I\'m good. I would pat myself on the back if it didn\'t make me sick.

What about everyone else?
My friends don\'t know ... they just want me to stop skipping.
And Lina? She wants me to get a life.
The funny thing is, I\'m trying to get rid of it.

You\'re lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What\'ll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess...

So what about the white walls? They\'re there... I just learned to deal with them by covering them with Sharpies, in writing, the way I do on my arms when I get an idea. I write self-obsessive non-sense... everything I realized that doesn\'t really matter. I covered it in blood, and pills, in food, in anything dirty enough to stick just so I don;t have to look at the white.
But theres still a huge white space that I can\'t cover no matter what I do. Except I realy don;t know what to make of it. It helped me in a way; it bleeds, it writes and covers the room.
But its still hard to breathe.

The trick is to keep breathing