Reflections In The Minds Eye

Quick Disclaimer: Characters are from my own weirdly twisted imagination, any relation to any fictional or nonfictional people/characters is purely coincidental and while I\'m at it, any relation to real life experiences is also purely coincidental. Proceed at your own discretion. This story was originally produced on May 29th 2005 and has been semi-carefully revised... Thank you.

I always said I wouldn\'t make it very far in life, I always agreed when someone berated me. I always felt like I had not only let myself down but everybody else when I failed at something. I can\'t overcome, I won\'t and so I never tried to do anything. I failed at life because I never thought I could succeed. I never will succeed because I can\'t and so therefore I won\'t.

Note: I am tired of happy stories, where everything turns out alright for the protagonist even though throughout the story everything is going really terrible. I\'m sick of that, but it happens. It happened in Princess and I will do my best to not let it happen here.

There I sat, my legs hanging down towards the river. I was chilly, the sun had set hours ago but it still seemed so light out. That was the only reason I hated summer, too damn light so late at night.

I had a box of chocolates with me, I was down to the last few, the others had joined the fish at the murky depths of the South Saskatchewan River. I was saving one for the end, I needed something to take my mind off the fall.

I was planning on \"slipping\" I had no note here with me, this was purely spur of the moment. I had only told a few people were I was and only because they had called my cell and heard the train when it came by. I really didn\'t believe they were actually \"on their way\" as they had said on the phone before I dropped it. They had said plenty before, and never really came through.

I breathed deeply through my nose and closed my eyes. Her picture flashed through my head. The last time I saw her was not a good time for either of us. I had been \"half-outed\" at school in a group of people. I\'m guessing it shook her up pretty good. When you look at me, for some people, dyke isn\'t the first thing you think of but for some I guess it is. I didn\'t say I was, but I didn\'t say I wasn\'t so it was up for debate. After a few weeks, she came up to me after school and begged me for help with some math. I saw through that ploy but I went along with it. I helped her out, much to my own demise.

We had a good long talk a week ago, even though I have not officially been \"outed\" there is now one person who knows the truth. She said she didn\'t hate me, because she knew when the topic had been brought up before. I told her it was ok if she hated me, because I would have to get used to it. I also asked her to keep it quiet because I wasn\'t at the right place in my life to be kicked out of my home and hated by the only people I could call friends. That wasn\'t what I needed. She said she understood and promised not to tell. She never did, but somehow my family found out anyways.

My mother disowned me, literally. After one week, she went down to city hall and well long story short, I am legally no longer daughter. My dad was upset but cool, he said he\'d help me out. But I said no, because he didn\'t need to face the wrath of my mother if she found out. My brothers never called me, oh well, not so much a huge loss.

My friends didn\'t exactly hate me, they accepted me because of my circumstances. That\'s where I stayed for most of the summer, while I saved money for a car, and all the other amenities of life. I went to college in the fall, some how I made the student loan payments while making rent, and paying off my car and feeding myself.

That didn\'t seem so bad, I managed for four long years with no problems, but then I got word of my brothers astronomical success, all three of them. Then I heard of my mom and dad\'s divorce a month later. I really didn\'t care, but when the accident took the use of my legs from me, I couldn\'t take it anymore.

I had lost the ability to walk, but I had overcame that, I hobbled up the stairs to where I am now. My lifeless legs dangled over the bridge and I looked down at the water. I started to scrawl my goodbye note. I thanked those people from back in high school. I thanked my friends for being there. And that\'s about all.

There is only one chocolate left, and I look at it. I can hear the train, that\'s when I planned to fall, so no one could hear my screams. I saw the car swerve and pull to a stop in the middle of the road. About five people jumped out, another car pulled to a stop behind it and another four got out.

They must have seen me, because they all started yelling and running up the stairs. I could see the train, it was on the other side of the river heading east towards Robin Hood. I was hoping they wouldn\'t make it, they knew my plan, I had talked about it for years. I closed my eyes, I could feel their thundering footsteps, they were so close.

I put the chocolate to my lips, it was sweet. I bit down and chewed. I looked to them and opened my eyes. I smiled, she was the first within reaching distance. The same woman who said she would never tell a soul was going to save me from my own murder.

I closed my eyes again and chewed some more and bent forward. I felt myself be overcome by gravity. I never believed it would pull me so fast from my spot, I felt the peacefulness of falling but I soon jerked to a stop. At first I thought that the fall has taken only a fraction of a second and I was now dead and this is what death was like. I opened my eyes, I hadn\'t died, I had stopped falling but I was still dangling. My numb legs swayed in the wind and the river looked so peaceful and yet so deadly. I found new respect for it.

She had caught me somehow, I wasn\'t quite sure how she had managed to but she did. She was screaming at the men to help her. I felt more arms on my shoulders and arms all pulling me up to the safety of the walkway. I heard some of the women crying.

I brought my hands to my face and hid the shame in my eyes from them. They were swearing at me but they weren\'t words of anger, and I wasn\'t sorry for what I tried to do. They all pulled me to my feet. The only person I looked at was her.

\"I\'m not sorry.\" I mumbled.
\"I know.\" She turned her head to me, I saw her hand twitch and then she slapped me. It stung, it was loud. \"How could you!\" She screamed at me and slapped me again. \"How could you!\" Was all she could say as she pounded on my chest. I looked at her, her eyes were filled with pain.
\"You really want to know?\" The other had started back to the cars, they figured we needed privacy, they were right.
\"Yes,\" She said. \"I need to know why you would give up!\"
\"I gave up because I quit loving…\" I didn\'t finish because I couldn\'t bring myself to say it. She never knew that I loved her, but that\'s not what I was talking about.
\"Because you quit loving what!\" Her eyes darted away, thinking, thinking all the wrong things. \"You quit loving me?\" Her mouth dropped a bit, hoping I would reply.
\"I never quit loving you. I quit loving, I just quit loving!\" I hated myself at that moment. \"For the past ten or so years, I made it clear no one was to help me more than was absolutely necessary. I made it, but look at what I lost. I lost you.\"
\"You never had me…\"
\"I know that, your aren\'t, and I can\'t change that. But I\'m not talking about that kind of having. You were always around, I\'d see you everyday. But after I learned how to walk again, I never saw you anymore. I didn\'t realize why until today. You can\'t be with someone who hates life so much and yet has such a strong will to live.\" I breathed. \"You should have let me die, you should never have come here. You should never have shown up because this would have been so much simpler if you weren\'t here. You wouldn\'t have to hear me say that I love you.\"

Her eyes went blank.
\"I can\'t kill myself now. You wouldn\'t forgive yourself, I know that for a fact and don\'t deny it. I understand if you never want to see me again, because I wouldn\'t want to see me either.\" I reached out to touch her cheek but she shied away. \"Good bye.\" I smiled, and so did she.
\"No,\" She said, my look of confusion was obvious. \"I will help you.\"
\"I won\'t be an easy case.\"
\"Why?\"
\"I can\'t do this.\"
\"I wouldn\'t be able to either, but sometimes you just have to.\"
\"Why?\"
\"Why not?\" She looked at me and took my hand and gripped my shoulder. We walked together back to the cars. The path to death would be long, but it didn\'t matter to me. Things for now would be ok.

Note: This isn\'t exactly the sad ending I was hoping for but sometimes you don\'t get what you want. If you truly connect with a love that can\'t be shared between two people you\'ll understand why it will be so hard for the protagonist to get on with her life. And that\'s what makes it sad.