The Trouble with Kittens

The Trouble with Kittens


“Oh aren’t you just the cutest, most lovable cat around, Sassy, yes you are, oh yes you are.” Sassy thought she would choke if the human hugged her any tighter. She let out a small meow that made the human gush all the more. The human let her down and Sassy looked at her with what she hoped were wide innocent blue eyes. The human gave an airy bye, and left.

Finally, the cat grimaced, she reeked of human now. She would have to clean herself, for if she didn’t then the other cats would know she had a pet human. A human pet that liked to…cuddle. Shivering at the word, Sassy heard a meow and saw a black cat jump the fence, and trot into the yard, Peanuts the family dog that was getting up in his years, simply looked at the cat with a bored expression then went back to finishing his breakfast of leftovers. The cat walked up to Sassy, watching as she unashamedly finished licking herself clean of human smell.

“Well are you done Sassamore? We have lots to do today. You have a meeting with Rex, a master from two territories over wishes to have a conference with you; we found reports this morning of urination on our borders.” The new cat, Cleo, spoke without a breath to Sassy. The last comment had Sassy sit up straight and let out a growl, “I’m sorry Cleo did you say urination on our borders?”
“Yes ma’am?” the other cat said with a slight tremble.
“Which border?”
“The border with Mikies territory.” Sassy jumped up and started to pace. This bit of information was too much. First Mikie had tried to seduce her for her territory and now he was just going to take over. Not while she was around. She jumped off the porch and headed towards the back gate, Cleo close behind her. She seethed as she thought about the fact that a tom cat would try and take over her territory, no not while she ruled this section of town. Stopping short to look at the dog as he was rolling in the leaves and enjoying the sun, Sassy lowered her mean look and smiled. It was good the humans had found the medicine to help the pain in his joints. Tossing a goodbye, she climbed the fence and took off to take care of matters.

When she reached the old abandoned shed on 17th she walked in with her tail high and her nose in the air. Several cats were lounging about the old unused lawn equipment. At the back of the shed was an old, stack of tires that the owner had stuffed dirty shirts in she jumped to the top and the way she sat with her tail lightly swishing she looked absolutely regal. She looked at the cats around her. Four other cats had collars and tags, the rest were strays that meandered from house to house. Sassy yawned daintily but showed off her clean and impressive teeth. Only those close to her would call her Sassy underlings, informants and the everyday stray, would refer to her as Sassamore. She felt that it gave her an air of authority with a longer name. She glanced around the room and saw her general chatting in the corner.
“Acum! Quit wasting time and get over her unless I’m mistaken we have a small crisis.” Acum gave the two females a lingering look then jumped over to stand in front of the stack of tires.
“Ma’am, we have identified 4 places where it appears that Mickie is trying to expand his border into our own. More then that our informants have reported he is not only quite proud of himself but plans to take over your territory by the end of the month.” Acum was so named because his human masters were firm believers in Acums Razor; the simplest answer is probably the right answer. Her general lived up to his name and when he went out on a military venture, he was simply and deathly efficient. Of course this had its downsides as it also meant that the next thing out of his mouth would be…
“Lady Sassamore, I believe we should go to war, and destroy his territory, and take it for our own.” Right on cue, Sassy rolled her eyes.
“Now dear Acum this takes finesse besides we have two treaties that are tied up with his territory, I’m in real dog food, if I attack him then I’ve just violated more then just those two treaties. He’s got himself in really tight with the southern territories, but I am in really tight with the northern territories, and just have to make sure that we can create enough of a defense to scare him rather then provoke him to actually attack.” Sassy started pacing the tire, one this was for sure she had to let Mikie know that his challenge was not unmet.
“I want you to go out and remark where he’s marked, take a few cats with you, try not to cause trouble, and WHAT IS THAT NOISE?” As she’d been sitting and pacing she’d kept hearing the sounds of little noises it almost sounded like kittens, except what kitten would come here.

Cleo jumped out of the shadows and looked fearfully at her Lordess, “Ma’am it’s the kittens that the Lord and Mistress, Patchwork dropped off.” She was trembling, “They asked that you watch them while they go visit west Lovington today.” Sassy reared back and her fur shot straight up,

“WHAT KITTENS, HERE?” As she spoke three little kittens came tumbling out of a corner of the shed and were playing and tumbling towards her tires. One looked up at her and with a cheerful meow tried to jump up on the tires; it couldn’t quite jump up high enough so when it started to fall back down it sunk its claws into the highest tire it could reach. The tires were already precariously balanced, suddenly they started to lean one way then another, then all of the sudden, and they came tumbling down. Sassy jumped out of the way and in the process got her foot caught on the handle of an old lawn mower. With a screech she did a summersault mid air and landed on her back staring at the ceiling, where the light was filtering in through cracks from the old green fiberglass.

“Sassamore, ma’am are you alright?” Cleo looked concerned as she peered at the white cat. Sassy got up with a growl; she looked over at Cleo, her teeth bared,
“Get those kittens out of here; I don’t do kittens, unless it’s for lunch.” The look that Sassy was giving would of melted lead. Suddenly a wail was heard from over by the tires. Sassy ran over, to see what further damage was being done to her head quarters. She skid to a stop in front of what use to be her tower of tires, there one of the kittens was wailing pitiably.
“What? What’s wrong, what are you crying?” Sassy said in exasperation.
“Lucky bit my tail, on purpose.” One kitten wailed, Sassy rolled her blue eyes, and wondered why she was being tortured like this. “Your kittens, your suppose to bite each others tails that what you do, it’s why we in the adult world call you tail biters.” The kitten that had been crying looked at her and said, “But did he have to bit so hard?” Sassy looked at Cleo and with a huff said, “Take care of them, get them out of my site, do whatever you have to do but let me be rid of them.” Cleo looked nervous, and suddenly would not meet Sassy’s eye, “Cleo is there something you’re not telling me?” Cleo took a deep breath, and with one go said, “Patchwork, owns a substantial amount of land, and when he dropped of the kittens, he said that you and you alone were to take care of them, because of the contract that we have with them and if the kittens were to complain about anything then the contract would be withdrawn.” Cleo flinched when she finished, Sassy looked ready to spit nails at the walls. “What part of the contract says that I babysit kittens for them?” Cleo gulped, “The part that says you will help in any way possible and watch any valuables for them, for any amount of time.” Sassy laid on her side, and thumped her tail on the ground so hard it was amazing that her rump didn’t lift of the ground at impact.

“Ok let’s handle this day one crisis at a time, first we take care of the kittens then we take care of the Mickie situation.” She turned her gaze to the kittens one again rolling on the floor, she smiled evilly, and said, “Oh, kittens how would you like to play a game? I know a great game for you to play.” The kittens looked at her with curiosity, then they looked at each other and then they all nodded together. Sassy smiled and looked at Cleo, she spoke in a low tone, “Lock them up in the old room in the back, where we keep the traitors.” Then in a much friendlier voice said, “Ok the object of the game is to out of the room as fast as you can, and if by some chance you do get out you go back in and you try again and try and do it faster then before.” The kittens bounded to the back of the shed where Cleo was waiting, they went in the room and Sassy walked over and pushed with her head a pile of bricks used to keep the room locked. Suddenly she heard what sounded like the kittens tumbling again and she smiled, hopefully they would forget about leaving the room.

She turned and was ready to walk out of the shed when one of them suddenly ran under her, she looked and saw the other three giving chase. She looked at Cleo who, looked as baffled as she did. If Sassy had been human she would of ran her hands over her face in exasperation. She started to chase the kittens she easily caught up with them, as they were still unable to run far without tripping on their own legs. She picked up one in her mouth then ran and headed off the other two. When she stopped they just smiled and started to rub themselves on her. Sassy jumped back, in disgust, great now she had kitty germs on her. She was feeling drastic so she grabbed one of the kittens and took off, when she looked behind her she saw that Cleo had another kitten in her mouth and that the third kitten was following, the kitten in Sassy’s mouth was complaining that she was biting to hard, so she bit a little harder and the kitten shut up. They walked down to the end of the alley, and Sassy put the kitten down. She looked at the tall fence and didn’t look back as she spoke, trying to use a voice of superiority and fear. “Behind this fence, is a creature scarier then anything I can imagine. So I would like you to have a look at Fluffy.” She turned back to look at the kittens and all she saw was, Cleo climbing the fence, Sassy jumped after her and saw to her dismay that the kittens were playing awfully close to the giant Rottweiler that was named so affectionaly Fluffy. The kittens were darting in and out of the dog’s legs and seemed to be having a great time, avoiding the hideous teeth. Suddenly the one called Lucky tripped on his sisters tail and tumbled forward, hitting the spike in the ground that held Fluffy’s chain. He hit the spike with enough force that the spike tilted to the side, Fluffy suddenly ran to the end of his chain and when he got there the spike lifted from the ground. Fluffy got a wonderful drool dripping smile and chased after the kittens. Sassy swore in her head and ran after the stupid kittens, she grabbed one and rushed it to the side of the yard into Cleo’s care. She charged back in and grabbed another kitten but before she could make it out of the yard, Fluffy made a mad dash toward her and with a move that would of done the discovery channel proud she tuned around and laid on her back and then with a swipe of her paw left three even marks down Fluffy’s face. The dog whimpered and started to rub his face in the sand to get the sting out. Sassy stood up and dropped off the kitten and saw the last one was frozen against the corner of the fence. Sassy took a deep breath and ran towards the kitten, when she got there she pick up the kitten and as she got ready to run back to the alley there was Fluffy blocking her way. Sassy growled, and took off trying to dodge and avoid the paws and the teeth. At one point she slipped on some loose sand and skidded. When she did, Fluffy whacked her in her side with his nose. Sassy slid to the end of the yard. She got up with a small struggle then with the kitten still in her mouth make a leap towards, the top of the fence. By some miracle she made it and hauled herself and the kitten over the fence. She dropped the kitten and looked at Cleo. “Spread the word that you saw me fight Fluffy and come out more or less intact.” As she said it, a thump was heard on the fence, Sassy grabbed the nearest kitten and headed back to her headquarters. She got in and there sitting on what use to be her tires was Mickie looking very much like the cat that ate the canary.

“Sassy, love dearest. I was walking my borders on my way over and I happened to smell the scent of your lead man Acum on my side of the border. Now how do you think that made me feel?” He smiled and Sassy cringed and was reminded of a sleazy salesmen. “Well I’m sure that the smell was no more then what my territory was yesterday.” She said trying to be charming but instead being sarcastic. Mickie looked around and said, “I think I’ll like this as my new headquarters. Because once those cats with territories bordering mine find out how you are trying so hard to intrude on my area they will be more then willing to go to battle. No one wants a power hungry crime lord you know.” Sassy heard something behind her. It was those stupid kittens they were playing with some piece of rope that was hanging on the wall. Sassy got a perfectly evil idea.

“I have an offer for you. You take care of this three kittens for me, for the rest of the day, and if when their parents come back to pick them up there are no complaints then you can have my territory, if not, then you give me exactly half your territory, and you give me one contract with a territory, that’s bordering your lands.” Sassy smiled and turned and left the shed. She heard a loud crash, and got a huge grin as she walked to her home. When she got there she sat, and started to clean herself, she felt tired and drowsy, as she moved to lay on the porch in the sun she felt Peanuts the dog come lay behind her, he gave her a few sniffs then like an over protective mother, he started to lick and try and bathe her, she couldn’t even get the energy for a growl, and fell asleep.


She was awaken when her pet human came into the backyard and picked her up with a swoop. She grabbed onto the shirt and listened to the human gush at her. Suddenly she heard, “Oh Sassy girl, look at you sleeping, that’s all you do I bet. Maybe we should get you a kitten for company.”

The End.