I Can't Remember

Hey all! First time posting but definatly not first time writing. Wrote this quite a while ago. Rated R for the drinking and the excessive swearing. The m/m stuff is not really defined or anything cos that\'s what I was going for when I wrote it... but didn\'t turn out like that too much. Oh well...

All characters within are mine and if I found that they have been taken you shall find yourself missing vital organs. Haha!

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I slam into the doorframe. I feel it but don\'t care. I rest against it and slide down it. I sit in the doorway between my livingroom and kitchen, my legs on either side of the wall. I grip the bottle in my hand tighter as I bring it to my lips and swallow the bitter liquid. The lights are hurting my eyes and the room is spinning, the world trying to come out from under me. A desperate sound escapes my throat. My breaths come in short, harsh gasps. It feels like the room in shrinking, trying to crush me. I start to panic. I\'m such a fucking mess. I swallow another gulp and rest my head against the doorframe. It\'s all fucked up. My mind is racing and it\'s hurting.

The tears are falling before I even realize it. Hot against my cheeks. Burn my throat again. I want a cigarette but I can\'t remember where I left them. I start to sob, unable to hold it back. My eyes close tight and I try and make myself disappear. But it\'s not working. I hurt so fucking much and I don\'t know why.

The door opens and I see you standing there. Did I call you? Were you supposed to come over? I can\'t remember. You look shocked. You\'ve never seen me cry before. I always kept myself from crying in front of you. I never wanted to burden you.

\"Oh God, Tanner. Tan, what\'s wrong?\" You\'re at my side in a second, the shock passing, and concern setting in. My head rolls to the side and I look at you before taking another drink. Your hand is at the bottle, trying to take it away from me. I don\'t want to give it up. But you win, wrenching the bottle from my grasp and it\'s tossed away.

\"Please Tan, please.\" You\'re smoothing my hair away from my face, trying to show me that you do care. I want to stop crying so hard. But the harder I try to stop the more the tears come. I hate looking so weak in front of you. I hate making you worry. I hate myself for being like this. I turn my head to look away, but you won\'t let me.

Fuck. Fix me. Help me. Save me. You would save me. You could save me. I want to ask for help, but I can\'t. I can\'t remember how. Your arms wrap around me and you pull me into your lap. I bury my face in your shirt and cry. I\'m sobbing and screaming. I claw at my hair and tear at your shirt. You don\'t say a word, you just hold me, running your fingers along my bare back and rock gently.

My sobs subside and my arms are around your neck. I\'m clinging to you so tightly it has to hurt. But you don\'t complain. I feel like I\'m about to fall. I\'ll fall if I let go of you. I\'m so weak for needing you like this. I hate that I need you to help me stand and take me to my room. I feel so fucking vulnerable as you lay me in bed. I\'m not letting go of you and you crawl in with me. You bring the blankets up over us and hold me tight. I want you to hold me tight enough to suffocate me. Just to know that you\'re here.

My mind is racing again and it hurts. A new sob escapes my throat and it feels like it\'s starting again. You run your hand though my hair and kiss my temple lightly. My breathing starts to slow. I feel dizzy. The room\'s spinning again. I tell you it feels like the world is trying to come out from under me.

\"It\'ll be okay, I have you,\" you say. I tell you that I love you and you say you know. Did I already tell you that? I can\'t remember.