Never Again

Author’s Note: Just a little message from me. There has been some expressed concern, nothing major, over the name of one of the characters in this story, and couple that with my love for names and their origination…well. Erin, the name in question that some may feel is a feminine name, originated in Ireland and is, indeed a poetic name for Ireland. While Erin sounds strikingly similar to the Hebrew name, Aaron (lofty or inspired), there is no actual connection beyond that between the two names. Nor is Erin the female variant of Aaron. In fact, there is indeed a Hebrew variant of the Gaelic Erin, which is Eran (roused or awakened). Now, I did not take any insult at any comments made on my name choices, and I do love feedback that is constructive and helpful. I just feel responding and acknowledging comments is a good thing. I do hope you enjoy the story, and that you will come back often to check for updates…which I will be working on avidly. Thank you!!

Disclaimer: Original work and characters, copyrighted to DDarknight, no unauthorized reproduction of characters or situations will be tolerated.


Erin stood in stunned silence, glancing about the room in utter disbelief, everywhere he looked something stirring to life memories. Images of a past he’d walked away from, vowing to never return. Yet, here he was, inescapably drawn back to the one person who’d stolen his heart. Two long years it’d taken him to finally admit the truth, to admit that he’d made the biggest mistake of his life by leaving. And, true, he’d had no idea of what to expect, but not this. Not after everything he’d done, not after he’d walked out without even saying ‘Goodbye’. Never this.

His piercing emerald gaze shifted to a photograph centered on a nearby shelf, a picture taken just a few days before he’d disappeared. Drifting toward it, Erin grazed the tips of his fingers over the cool wooden frame, a slow smile washing over his boyish features. To the casual observer there was nothing untoward in the picture. Just two close friends standing side by side, posing for a brief moment in time to immortalize their camaraderie. But, Erin knew otherwise, he remembered how their hands had casually brushed together just as the picture was taken. He saw the passion burning in the depths of their eyes, the love they felt for each other. The indestructible bond that held them together even now. This was proven by the fact nothing had changed in all that time, everything that represented them and what they were to each other still proudly displayed. This was what he hadn’t expected; this was what he wasn’t prepared for.

It was a brutal blow to the gut, realizing now that while he’d done everything in his power to erase Quin from his life, Quin had remained loyal. He’d been flitting from lover to lover, bed to bed, and Quin had been mourning the death of their love. The worst part was...he should have known, and perhaps deep down inside he had. After all, if anyone really knew Quin, it was Erin. To everyone else Quin was a dark angelic enigma, even his parents mystified by the child they’d given life to. He’d opened up to Erin, though. He’d exposed the gentle, sensitive soul hidden and sheltered from the world, revealing an intensely passionate young man lost in a cold, cruel society. Quin had entrusted Erin with his heart...and for that act of faith Erin had slapped him down, proving to Quin his distrust in others was well founded.

The roar of a diesel drew his attention, Erin moving to the window to watch as Quin parked his truck. He couldn’t count how many times in the past he’d complained about the massive Dodge Ram, swearing it was nothing more than an unwieldy monstrosity. Quin had only laughed; teasingly vowing Erin would go before the truck did. Ironically, that was exactly what had happened, although he somehow doubted Quin found anything amusing about it now. Actually, he was relieved Quin had never listened to him, aware that his ‘issues’ with the truck had just been an excuse. It’d been his way of finding fault in Quin, attempting to justify his reasons for leaving his lover. He’d failed...miserably so.

Erin’s thoughts scattered to the four winds when Quin stepped out of the truck, a myriad of emotion slamming into him without warning. Sorrow, regret, guilt, love...lust, need, desire; the last of his doubt as to whether he was doing the right thing or not crumbling to ash. Suddenly he felt defenseless, somehow exposed, realizing that this time his heart was on the sacrificial alter. This time Quin was the one who held the power to make or break him. Despite knowing he deserved whatever came his way, Erin was terrified of the possible rejection, but he stood his ground, waiting for the inevitable. Besides, even if Quin refused him, they both needed this; they needed the closure to be able to move on with their lives. Erin just hoped, desperately, that he wouldn’t have to live out the rest of his days knowing he was the one who’d messed up. That he was the one who’d walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him, never to recapture that love again.

Walking toward the door Quin paused at the mailbox, just as he did every day, a ritualistic habit he’d fallen to long ago. One of the few times he was predictable, Quin an extremely sporadic and spontaneous soul, Erin loving him for it all the more. Once he skimmed through the mail he’d walk in and head upstairs, casually swinging the door shut behind him, not bothering to lock it. He never did, forever dismissing Erin and his parent’s warning that the day would come when someone walked in after him and robbed him blind...or killed him. It wasn’t that Quin thought he was ten feet tall and bullet proof, no. He just rarely stopped long enough to deal with the mundane.

Erin wasn’t disappointed, either, Quin doing exactly as he’d predicted, tossing the mail and his keys on the desk as he passed by. He immediately began tugging at his shirt, pausing long enough to kick his boots off before heading up to take a shower. An all too familiar scene that tugged at Erin’s heart, reminding him of just how much he’d missed Quin. Of how much he longed to pull Quin into his arms and hold him. But then, it all came screeching to a halt, Quin freezing, his fingers clutching at the edges of his shirt in a white knuckled grip. The moment had come, the time when Erin would find out whether or not their love could be saved. Or, had he forever lost the love of his life?

Quin hesitated for a moment, finally turning to face Erin, raw pain flashing deep in his stormy gray eyes. Anguish Erin had caused, sorrow that his actions had given birth to. He wanted to look away, to somehow shield himself from the deep wounds he’d inflicted, but he couldn’t, Erin trapped in his former lover’s gaze. All too soon, though, anger replaced the shock and hurt, Quin pinning Erin with a cold, flat stare, forgiveness nowhere to be found in the fathomless depths.

“Why now?”

Erin cocked his head to one side, his gaze dropping to the floor before shifting back to meet Quin’s icy glare. Rather ironic that he suffered that steely gaze now, Quin’s eyes having been what attracted Erin to him in the first place. Eyes that were so often unreadable, as enigmatic and mysterious as he was. At times, at moments like this they were so emotionless, so hard that there were few who could hold Quin’s gaze for any length of time. But, Erin knew the truth. He knew that in the throes of passion Quin’s eyes were like molten silver, burning with desire and lust. Silvery flames that had scorched Erin’s heart more than once, claiming him for all eternity. That was what he wanted to see now; to see Quin burn for him once more, but...Quin didn’t seem likely to grant Erin that little request. Not yet, anyway.

“I made a mistake,” he admitted softly, wishing there was something more he could say, something that would reflect the depth of his regret, but there wasn’t.

“It took you this long to realize that?” Quin laughed bitterly, Erin aware Quin didn’t really expect him to answer.

Nor did he, unwilling to step into the trap Quin was setting up, knowing he’d only find his own destruction down that path. Searching desperately for something to say, Erin’s gaze shifted to Quin’s hair, noting he had let it grow down past his shoulders. And, God help him because at the moment all Erin wanted to do was run his fingers through the silky black mass. If Quin realized, if he suspected for one moment where Erin’s thoughts were turning this would be over before it ever truly started. Somehow managing to reign in his growing desire, he murmured, “You let your hair grow out.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” Quin clipped.

\"I know,” Erin acknowledged.

“Get out,” he growled, Quin spinning around and stalking toward the stairs.

“Quin,” Erin called softly, raking his fingers through his own hair, battling down the instinct to run.

“No,” was Quin only response, his way of stating the conversation was over, that he wasn’t going to do this; he wasn’t going to play Erin’s game.

Sighing in exasperation, reminded that he was the guilty party here, Erin followed in grim determination. He wasn’t going to give up this time; he wasn’t walking away without a fight. They’d both changed in the time they’d been apart, Quin becoming bitterer, somehow finding the strength to deny him. However, Erin had gained the strength to stick to his convictions. He was tired of running, tired of cheating himself out of the sweetest things in life. He’d come back to reclaim his love, and come hell or high water he was going to do exactly that.

Turning on a dime, cold fury banking low in his eyes, Quin demanded the one thing Erin dreaded. “Why? That’s all I want to know. Why?”

“Because I was scared,” Erin stated in quiet shame, revealing the truth he’d hidden from even himself. “You scare the hell out of me, Quin. This scares the hell out of me, you and me, us, everything we are, everything we feel for each other. It terrifies me.”

“Bullshit,” Quin snarled in denial, storming off to disappear in his room...their room.

He watched Quin go, Erin wondering if he’d been right to come back after all, realizing how unfair he was being to Quin. By what right did he just march back into Quin’s life expecting to be greeted with open arms? None, but damn it, this was what he wanted, Quin was what he wanted. Yes, all right, he was the one who’d left. Okay, he’d taken his sweet old time about coming back, but he was here now. And, he knew damn good and well that Quin wanted him back. Otherwise, Quin would have taken his key and locked Erin out of the house without a moment’s hesitation. Which meant, despite how bleak things looked, despite just how dark the day was turning out to be...there was hope.

His resolve renewed, Erin made his way into the room, no longer surprised to find nothing had changed since he’d left. It was another brutal blow, though, Erin beginning to see just how deeply he’d hurt Quin, how mortally he’d wounded his young lover. Quin hated stagnation, despised the very thought of falling into a rut of any kind, convinced that it was the death of the soul. And, yet, in two years time he’d changed nothing, leaving everything exactly the way it was when Erin stood at his side. He was holding on to the broken pieces of a dream Erin had ruthlessly crushed, and that realization damn near destroyed Erin.

“Somewhere deep inside I always knew you deserved more than me. But, at the same time I was afraid of what would happen when someone better did come along. Someone who deserves everything you have to give, someone who can give you everything you deserve,” he whispered hoarsely, no longer hiding from Quin...or himself.

“So you just left,” Quin snapped, dragging his shirt off in quick jerky motions, a sign he was in deep turmoil. Never a good thing, the more Quin became confused or troubled, the more unpredictable he grew. “No warning, no nothing. You just up and left...”

“Before you could leave me...yes,” Erin nodded sadly, drifting toward Quin. “I’m more than twelve years your senior. Eventually, I’m going to slow down, age is going to catch up with me, and then where will you be? That’s what happened. I lost faith, I gave up, I betrayed us both, but do you know why?”

“I don’t want to know,” Quin retorted, finally escaping the shirt turned straight jacket, backing away from Erin warily. “And, when in the hell did age become an issue, Erin? You were the one who told me age meant not a damn thing in the path of love.”

“Exactly. It doesn’t, but...Quin, I love you. I love you so damned much that it hurts. I knew if I lost you it was going to killed me,” Erin explained, tears glistening briefly in his dark green eyes.

“What do you think it did to me?” Quin railed softly, his stoic mask crumbling to reveal the depth of his torment. Even his eyes lost their hard edge, becoming liquid pools of silver, reflecting all too eloquently every ounce of pain Erin dealt him. “What do you think it did to me to wake up to an empty bed, knowing you weren’t coming back? It killed me, Erin. You killed me.”

“I’m so sorry, Quin,” Erin barely managed, white-hot agony lancing through his chest, shredding his heart without mercy.