Sadness

With all my heart, i swear to you, my love, that i will love you till the day we part, that day has come and past, my heart is now two,
i don\'t understand this, somehow, you, my love, promised me you would never leave me, how can i trust you again?

I don\'t think i ever can, that\'s the bad part, because i do, i want to trust you, and want to keep on loving you, but how can i?

You broke your promise to me.. you said if i ever hit my head, you would be there to help me.

You helped me before, remember? when i was being silly and slipped and knocked out and everybody thought i was joking around till they saw the
blood in the pool? you save me.... that\'s when you promised me, you would be there for me no matter what.

You always were, even when we are in different states and in college, we wrote, called, you were my best friend, the love of my life.

Till that one night, i got a phone call from your dad, my step father, he told me that you were killed by a drunk driver. I just held the phone,
trying not to cry while he was talking.

I flew home for your funeral, and i walked away from everybody after your funeral, sat down by the lake, i cried like i had never cried before,
i wanted to yell, scream, but i couldn\'t, the words that i wanted to say seem to be stuck in my heart.

Instead, i sat there, crying, and i started to rock myself back and forth, calling your name quietly, \"Adam... why?\" i hated God for taking you away from
me. I wanted God to take me as well so we could always be together.

I then realize that i should hate God and not you, for stealing you away. If God didn\'t take me as well, i would hate him for the rest of my life.
He took my life, my love away. I never will forgive him. I stood up, looked at the lake, your father had given me your watch, that he gave you for your
20th birthday.

\"He would have wanted you to have this...\" your father told me. I didn\'t like the fact, that your father had married my mother.. but i\'m glad he did,
or i would probably never have you in my life. You were the oldest of five boys, i was the only girl in the family after your father married my widowed
mother.

I used to hate my life with my five little brothers, who used to bug me to where i wanted to kill them, or myself so i wouldn\'t have to put up with them.

I had lost alot of friends, do to drugs, there were a couple of my friends were abuse to death by their mother or father cause they couldn\'t handle them.
A few were murder as police say \"they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time\" but i didn\'t believe that, i knew that they were at the right place
at the right time, cause it seemed like they have planned it. I have had alot of lost in my life, the last i wanted to lose was you.

I hear my second-youngest brother, Kyle, a twin of my youngest brother, Adam calling my name, so i didn\'t want to be bothered, but i knew he wouldn\'t quit
calling for me till i was coming. I never said the name \"Adam\" again in my life, my youngest brother, Adam hated me calling him \"AC\" for his name,
Adam Christian, after our birth father, after a few weeks, he got used to it, i believe he figured out that i would never say the name \"Adam\" again.

That is my promise to you, my love, you are the only Adam in my life, i never talk to anybody with your name, in fear i will cry for the rest of my life on
the outside. Yet, when i go home, i want to cry, since my brother who is used to the name \"AC\", my love, you will never believe that he looks almost just
like you.

Just about everything about him, reminds me of you, sometimes i want to cry just looking at him, my love. He\'s following in your foot-steps like you did
in middle school and high school, all the sports you played, the clubs you were in, the grades you had. He looks up to you more than ever. I wish you
could see him.

Sometimes at night, i can\'t sleep, if i do i dream about that night when your father called me long distance at my dorm at the University of California in
Los Angeles, but i acted differently, i started crying, screaming, hanging my head against the wall. My roommate wakes me up cuase i was screaming,
i say i\'m sorry and we go back to bed, i have another dream about my birth father being shot after what he think is a co-worker joking around by saying
\"Don\'t turn around\" he does, and the other guy shoots him in the head.

Adam, i know i never told you about this, over the years i was without, i learned from my church, that when a person dies, it was his or her time
to go... that God called them and they go... i learned that i will never lose you, that you will be in my heart always, my love, but i wish i could
have told you, that i truely with all my heart, love you, my love.

Though you were my step brother, i always had a crush on you, but i knew i couldn\'t do anything about it, cause your father married my mother. I wanted so much to tell you how i felt, but i never had the courage. Now you are gone and i\'m lost without you, i don\'t know what to do with myself.