Somewhere I Belong

Title: Somewhere I Belong
Author: Silverfang
Rating: Not really R. More of a PG-ish thing going on here.
Summary: This is based on Linkin Park\'s song. I don\'t own it. This is also based on the night when I told Josh I liked him. We got into a deepish conversation afterwards, and I told him I felt like this song. He said he did too. So this is for both of us...

Disclaimer: Song belongs to Linkin Park. I don\'t make money off this one either.

Dedication: To Josh. You will see this someday, since I promised to let you read it.

~Somewhere I Belong~

-When this began I had nothing to say
And I\'d get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)-

I never expected to find what I did when I walked into this big highschool. I expected to be alone. I was from at least thirty miles away; I didn\'t think I had a chance in hell at making even one friend here. And it was a public school, too. Something I knew I could handle, but had never come face to face with. I\'m not religious. I hate the whole concept of Catholicism, and the way they taught us as well. And the things they taught us...were unacceptable to me. I was free. No one and nothing would chain me down.

And then I met you. It was great. A boy! I never even talked to boys before I met you. Either I was too weird, or I thought they were too stupid, I\'m not sure, but I wasn\'t too weird for you, and you certainly aren\'t stupid. But I never thought of anything else...then. You were just someone to make laugh, and to talk to.

And then, we got to be friends. I was surprised, and I think you were too. I never make friends fast, and like I said, never with a boy. But you...you\'re so different. And...I started to like it. But then there were things going around about us. About you. Wicked things, things that got started and never seemed to stop. I even offered to stop hanging around with you, but you said no, and you don\'t know how glad I am you said that.

But I don\'t know when I started to fall in love with you. I didn\'t think you could ever be mine, not in any way, because I didn\'t ever think I truly deserved what I wanted most.

-And I let it all out to find that
I\'m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)-

And one night, the night after I realized that you might actually get back together with your ex-girlfriend, I just...slipped. I\'d seen you hurt, and it hurt me, and I couldn\'t believe you would go back with her. I didn\'t want you to either. Maybe it was a bit too big to dream of, but I wanted to protect you and have you to love and...well, to love me back. And I knew it might make it worse, but I couldn\'t lose you...so I told you. Barely scraped the surface of how I felt, but I told you I liked you.

And you liked me back.

-But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I\'ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)-

I had nothing to lose: or at least that was what I had thought. When I realized what I was feeling, and for you, someone I consider my best friend...I\'d never thought about it. Or maybe I had, and that\'s why I waited so long to tell you. But ages went by, a mere week or more, and you didn\'t really say anything else on the matter.

So I was a friend. That\'s all. But I was happy, because I knew.

-Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own-

But everyday, I\'d say something to you, with my heart, so you couldn\'t hear it. Sometimes I was afraid to say it, and other times I was worried that if I said it, it would hurt you, though I wasn\'t sure how.

I\'ve been alone so long. I know it\'s a lot to ask, especially after you\'ve had your heart broken again, but couldn\'t you just...I don\'t know. Like me? Love me? I love you, you know. Not everyone will hurt you.

I just want to help...

-I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I\'ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it\'s gone)-

It hurt. My heart, and my body, I guess. It hurt to leave you, and to see you leave me. Wondering hurt me too. Just wondering if you liked me, if we could be something, if I might hurt you, what might happen if I didn\'t, where we might go...what would happen to us if I lost you...

-I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I\'m close to something real.
I want to find something I\'ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong-

I wasn\'t sure what I wanted all this time. I wanted...something. Someone like me, who would understand me to some extent, and love me for who I was. I wanted...someone like you.

-And I\'ve got nothing to say
I can\'t believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)-

And as I got more sure of it, I began to see things in you that I didn\'t know were truly there. Maybe the way you looked at me, or the way you talked...It was something. Something that I could tell myself meant you felt the same way. That maybe you liked me. Maybe you loved me. Maybe...

-Looking everywhere only to find that it\'s
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(So what am I)-

Love is nothing like what I thought it would be. And yet it is at the same time. Isn\'t that strange?

-What do I have but negativity
Cause I can\'t justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)-

I realize now that I had everything to lose. You. Our friendship. And a part of me, if I lost you.

-Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own-

But I don\'t want to be alone anymore. Part of me always has been alone, and it has started to like the dark and cold, but it\'s not fun anymore. I\'m seeing something I\'ve wanted for forever and only a little while at the same time.

I\'m seeing...you.

-I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I\'ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it\'s gone)-

I kept thinking maybe if I just helped you, it would be enough. Maybe if you weren\'t suffering like I was, that was enough for me. But it wasn\'t. I could fool myself. Lie. But it was never enough just to think of you as a friend. You were always...something else. Always there, in my mind.

-I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I\'m close to something real
I want to find something I\'ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong-

Maybe if I hadn\'t met you that day, maybe if we hadn\'t started talking, I\'d have never found out what I wanted. Maybe I\'d have never noticed this missing piece of myself.

I\'m glad I did...

-I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed-

I listen to this song and wonder if you feel that way, sometimes. If you just want to be left alone to heal. But I want to help so badly; I hope you see that. You\'re my friend, and I will help you, but you owe me nothing for it.

-I will never be
Anything \'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I\'ll find myself today-

I owe you everything. You\'ve helped me feel...everything. Not just the sadness anymore, but happy. You can make me laugh. You can make me cry. You remind me of me so much sometimes that it scares me. And I want to help you. I don\'t want you to feel the way I feel at my worst moments.

-I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I\'ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it\'s gone)-

And now I know. I don\'t know if you saw that I wanted to help you, or that I loved you. I don\'t know anything anymore, except that you love me.

You love me.

-I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I\'m close to something real
I want to find something I\'ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong-

I never thought anyone could love me. Did anyone really try before? Why did you?

-I want to heal,
I want to feel like
I\'m somewhere I belong-

I love you, Josh. Love you with everything I have. I\'m going to help you.

-I want to heal,
I want to feel like
I\'m somewhere I belong-

I\'ve found where I belong.

-Somewhere I belong-

I\'ve found you...

~Silverfang