Breaking the Habit

Title: Breaking the Habit 1/?
Author: Silverfang
Rating: R for angst, suicidal stuff, etc.
A/N: Thinkin\' bout writing a second chapter for Josh, but I may not because it would be based on a secret he told me. I could change it...but not sure. So...enjoy what you have, don\'t want what you don\'t.
A/N2 (06-01-05): I reread this today while listening to this song. And it still sends chills down my back, knowing what I could have done.

Summary: Songfic based on \'Breaking the Habit\' by Linkin Park. Also based on the night I planned to kill myself, long before I knew him or any of you. I never actually got as far as the story goes (I never even cut myself, I don\'t know why), but this has been waiting to be written a long time.

Disclaimer: As I said, belongs to Slipknot. I do not make money off this because I can crack glass with this one too. =D

Dedication: To...um...well, Josh, because he\'s helping me break some of my bad habits, and I for him, and...well, to Josh. I\'ll help you break your bad habits.

Thank you for saving me...

-...- = song lyrics

~Breaking the Habit~

-Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again-

I sit on the floor of the living room, thinking. No one loves me. Not my father in the next room. Not my stepmother. Definitely not my own mother, even. I\'m a tax deduction. A human football they get to pass around for money.

-You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
(Unless I try to start again)-

They trust me by myself. Was it my mother who stirred this storm within me, or was it there all along? If she hadn\'t started the court case, the \"therapy,\" would I be thinking this?

-I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused-

I don\'t know, and that kills me.

\"I\'m not stupid. I\'m not,\" I whisper to myself. I know my eyes are flashing in anger as I hear her words in my ears again. \"I\'M NOT!\"

-I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean-

Why do I even fight it? Maybe I am stupid. Stupid to put up with her, stupid to live. Stupid to breathe...

The bathroom is just a short walk away.

-I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I\'m breaking the habit
Tonight-

I tear open the cabinet, though the hinges are silent. There\'s a box of razorblades my dad keeps in there, though I don\'t know what they\'re for. Why would he keep razorblades in the open, especially since my stepmother tried to kill herself only a year before?

Oh...that was right. She didn\'t like pain.

Because she could feel it.

-Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again-

I click the lock on the door. I\'m not doing this for attention. Some might, but I\'m not going to let anyone stop me. This is what I want. I want to leave. To live...

-I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again-

Yes, live. Here, I was nothing. If I die, I\'ll be...something. I don\'t know what. But no one will ever hurt me again.

Never again...

-I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused-

No one cares about me. I don\'t have to tell myself that as I gaze upon the silvery edge of the blade. I know it. I have known it all my life.

I will know it no more.

-I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean-

I\'ve been so stupid. So, so stupid to cloud myself with these illusions of friends and hope. No one cares. No one.

I stare myself right in the eyes as I go to make the first cut.

-I don’t know how I got this way
I\'ll never be alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I\'m breaking the habit
Tonight-

Blood washes over my hand. It should hurt, but it feels so good. Like breaking chains that have been so tight. Too tight...

-I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends-

I\'ve been fighting this end for too long. It hurts me to fight more. I won\'t fight it anymore...

-I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean-

Maybe someone will finally realize that I\'m not someone they can just walk all over. Maybe they\'ll finally realize that I\'m not as strong as I make people think.

Maybe...

-I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So I’m breaking the habit-

No, I realize. They\'ll never know who I am.

-I\'m breaking the habit-

Who I was.

-I\'m breaking the habit-

I make another cut.

-Tonight-

And I smile.