Not So Many Meetings Iddleddle Earth

The Real Warnings: This is *intentionally* bad. DO NOT read if:
>you are on any form of medication. Consult your doctor before reading.
>you are pregnant or think you might be.
>you are drinking chocolate milk, pepsi, apple juice or anything HOT. The tendency to snort these out of your nose when confronted with something this bad has contributed to an alarming percentage of monitor/computer destruction.
>you are sensitive to fuck-awful grammar, spelling, plot, fics in general, etc.
>you are a deadly serious weirdo with no sense of humour. (checks, but is pretty sure everyone here has a sense of humour)
DO read if:
>you hate bad mary sues with a passion unrivalled.
>you fancy a laugh.
Here we go. Hang on to something.


Title: Not So Many Meetings In Middle-Earth. (Just one in fact...)
Author/Email: Orlando Bloom / hottesthottieever@hottiemail.com
Pairing: OC/Legolas
Rating: R
Summary: A man falls into Middle-Earth and meets all the characters.
Disclaimer: Oh how I wish it were true. But its not.
Feedback: Yes please!
Warnings: This has slash fiction in it. That means male/male slash. If you don;t like gay mansex then don\'t read this. Because it has gay mansex in it.
Archive: Anywhere that will take it.
Author\'s Notes: This is in no way a Mary Sue. Or whatever the male equivalent is. The character is original and totally invented. Legolas is MIne and ALL mine. None of you others can have him coz hes mine. HAHAHAh Muahah.

CHAPTER ONE

Olric was deep in thought. He walked down the street, head down, not looking where he is going. His dog barked happily on the end of its lead. But he didn\'t hear it. He was thinking about all the things he had to do and how to fit in seeing his friends in between all the things he had to do. The January wind was cold and whistled in his ears, it made his cheeks sting and his nose run but he didn\'t notice because he was far too deep in thought.

Olric was tall with windswept dark brown curly hair and chocolate coloured brown eyes. He had very tanned skin and a warm smile that shone like the sun. He wore blue jeans and a stripey shirt. He was also quite slender but deceptingly strong and muscular.

Suddenly, a noise, made him stop. He looked up, realising he was near the edge of some sort of park because there were trees and grass all around him. He looked behind him. Funny he couldn\'t see the shops he was sure he should have come past.

It was also very quiet. Too quiet. Where on earth was he. \"Where are we, bling-blong?\" he asked his dog. Bling-Blong was his affectionate nickname for the animal who\'s real name was Jasper. Suddenly he heard the sound of horses hoofs. He looked around, his head twisting wildly this way and that searching for the source of the noise. Jasper was barking, upset by something.

\"Halt! Stranger! What are you doing in Mirkwood?\"

Mirkwood?!?!?! He looked down at Jasper with wide eyes. \"I don\'t think we\'re in Kansas any more, bling-blong.\" He said. Turning around seeing the most gorgeous man he had ever layed eyes on. \'Yummy\'. he thought. \"Hello. Whore you?\" Then he looked probably and saw that this was Legolas from the lord of the rings. He knew it was because he had read the books several times and seen the films about a hundred times. He watched it every weekend because he was in love with Legolas and now here he was. The man of his dreams. Or should that be elf of his dreams? Yes he was gay, which everyone knew.

Legolas dismounted and approached him carefully stepping over fallen twigs very daintily. \"Who are you,\" he asked. \"And what are you doing in my forest?\"

\"I..I..I don\'t know,\" Olric stammered. \"I was walking down the street with my dog and then suddenly I looked up and I was here. I don\'t know how I got here.\"

\"Oh. That is a dog then?\"

\"Yes. His name is Jasper. Though I call him bling-blong.\"

Legolas bent down on the ground and gingerly reached out his hand to pat Jasper on the nose. Jasper licked at his hand and laughed a silvery magical laugh that floated on the soft warm breeze. His long blond hair lifted from his face and streamed behind him as he stood. Damn, he was fine. Orlic smiled at him, his nervousness gone. He bought a hand and ran it through his thick, dark brown curly hair. Legolas smiled back.

\"And what is your name, pretty stranger?\"

Orlics mouth had gone dry he could barely speak. \"My name? My name is Olric. I come from a planet called Earth where you are just a character in a book.\"

Legolas snorted. \"I am real.\" he said. \"As you can see.\"

Olric gulped. Yes he could certainly see that. Legolas stepped up towards him till he was a couple of feet away and reached out of his hand which Olric shook, smiling. \"I gather you know my name then, said Legolas.

\"Yes you are Prince legolas of Mirkwood. Are you not?\"

\"Indeed I am. But just Legolas will suffice.\" He smiled warmly, the warmth bathing Olric in a soft glowing feeling. \"Would you like some food?\"

Olric realised then that he hadn\'t eaten anything since breakfast six hours ago and he was actually quite hungry. \"Yes thank you\" he nodded.

Legolas opened up the small pouch on his belt and pulled out something wrapped in large soft leaves. He unwrapped it and Olric recognised it as Lembas bread. He took a small piece and bit into it. \"Mmm...delicious,\" he said, chewing on it and savouring the taste which was sweet and wholesome.

\"That should fill you all up for the day.\"

They both turned at a crashing sound nearby. The bushes opened and out came four hobbits followed by two large men.

\"Legolas! There you are! Are you in any danger?\"

Legolas laughed. \"Danger? Why, no, Aragorn. I\'m not. This is Olric. Mellon-nin.\"

\"My friend,\" Olric translated without thinking. Legolas gaped at him.

\"You speak my language?\"

\"Yes,\" Olric told him with a warm smile. \"I learned it from reading the books.\"

\"There are orcs following us, Legolas, we should hide,\" said one of the hobbits. Olric guessed it must be Samwise because he had a frying pan dangling from his backpack.

\"Come,\" said Legolas. He took Olric by the arm and lead him to the bushes where they crouched beneath the green leaves and undergrowth. As they watched, two orcs entered the clearing and looked around sniffling with their hideous noses.

\"Why don\'t you shoot them or use your swords?\" asked Olric.

\"Because we have just escaped from the evil clutches of Saruman and he took our weapons from us.\"

\"Oh.\" said Olric. Making a decision he stood and the two orcs stared at him in surprise and wonder. They made nasty squealing sounds and raced at him. Olric unfastened Jasper\'s lead and the dog leaped up at the orcs, knocking them to the ground and knocking them out. Aragorn and Boromir raced out from their hiding places and gawped at the two fallen orcs. Then they stared at Olric.

\"That was amazing!\" cried Pippin. He and Merry nodded in agreement and grinned up at Olric in adoration. Olric knelt down and patted Jasper\'s head.

\"Well done, Bling-Blong,\" he said, soothingly. \"Good work.\" Then he turned to the others. \"Looks like your safe as long as your with me. Where are we going?\"

\"To Riverdell.\" Came a small voice.

Olric looked down into the most amazingly blue, blue eyes he had ever seen in his entire life. \'Beautiful\' he thought. \'But not as beautiful as Legolas.\'

As if Legolas could read his thoughts the elf turned and smiled at him. \"Would you like to ride my horse, Olric,\" he asked.

\"Yes please,\" Olric answered. \"I would like that very much.\"

He clambered up on top of the horse behind Legolas and clinged to the elf\'s slender waist. He could feel the rippling muscles beneath his palms and felt himself growing hard in his trousers. He realised that Legolas could feel it too as the elf shuffled backwards on the saddle and rubbed himself against Olric. He sighed happily. This was like a dream, he thought.

CHAPTER TWO

Riverdell was even more beautiful than Olric could have imagined from the descriptions what he had read in the books. There were beautiful tall trees everywhere and birds singing gayly in the bushes. The grass was a lush and green, rolling in slopes towards Elrond\'s mansion. Olric walked happily around the gardens, humming to himself. Jasper was being looked after by a group of young female elfs who had taken quite a liking to the soppy golden retriever. Someone said his name making him turn around.

\"Legolas. Hello.\"

\"Hello Olric. What are you doing out here all on your own?\"

Olric shrugged his shoulders. \"I am just taking a walk and enjoying the view,\" he said.

\"I am enjoying the view also.\" said Legolas with what Olric was sure was a dirty smirk. Then suddenly Legolas leaped at him and brought him to the ground landing on top of him, his hard cock grinding against Olrics and making his breath come out in a hissed gasp between his clenched teeth. Legolas planted his lips firmly on Olrics mouth and his tongue pushed rudely into Olric\'s mouth, swirling round and round, brushing against Olric\'s own tongue, he felt like silk and tasted of something Olric had never tasted before but it was surely wonderful.

\"You taste wonderful\" Legolas gasped against his mouth as he pulled away, almost as if he had been reading Olric\'s mind.

\"Thank you.\" Orlic replied with a smile. And then his eyes went widened as Legolas put his hand on his cock and stroked it hard and fast. He did not last long because he was already so excited and he came screaming \'Legolas!\'

When they were finished they layed in each others\' arm\'s and smiled at each other. \"I love you\" said Legolas.

\"I love you too,\" Olric told him, feeling happier than he could ever have thought he could be. But then Legolas\'s smile turned to a frown and he looked suddenly miserable with tears in his eyes. \"What is wrong?\" asked Olric.

\"I am just upset because I know you cannot stay here.\"

Olric held him close. \"But I could stay here if you wanted me to!\"

\"No you cannot you must get back to earth and be with your own people and take Jasper back to be with the other dogs. We don\'t have dogs here and he will get lonely.\"

\"He will be okay. I don\'t want to leave you, my love.\"

\"You have to. Think about it. I am an elf who lives forever and you will be old while I am still this young. It would not be fair on neither of us.\"

Olric sighed sadly. \"You are right. It is for the best that I go back.\"

\"Then close your eyes.\"

Olric did as he was told. He felt a kiss to his mouth and opened his eyes to say something but found himself staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. He sat up fast confused and looked around. Yes this was definitely his bedroom. A sudden alraming thought struck him. \"Bling-Blong!\" he called. \"Where are you?\"

The dog barked happily from the direction of the living room and the next moment he came bounding up and leaped upon Olrics bed curling up, next to his master with his tail wagging.

\"We\'re back then.\" said Orlic. He wiped a sudden tear from his eye and lay back down in his bed, ready to sleep.

That night he dreamt of elfs and trees and Legolas\'s blue eyes smiling down at him.

THE END.


*please don\'t kill me, i know it\'s truly fucking awful*

The scary thing here is that some people *actually write like this.* *Terrified*