The Burning

The first time I burned myself, I was twenty-three years old. I had just reconnected with one of my very best friend`s from junior high school. His name is Darren. I was madly in love with him back then"¦in school, I mean. We never dated. He went out with ALL of my friends"¦but he and I just kept it on a friendship level. I`m not sure why. But, when we reconnected, I was ecstatic to learn that he wanted to "go out". We went out two or three times, played some pool, had some drinks. Then, one night, I went with him to meet some friends of his finneinner. Afterwards, we back to their house, and it got so late that he said we could just crash there. Well, one thing led to another, and Darren and I ended up sleeping together.

I remember, immediately afterward, I felt very"¦lonely. I knew that he wasn't seriously interested in any kind of relationship with me, other than a sexual one. I had known that before I did it"¦which is why I still can't quite figure out why I felt so"¦cheated. So"¦let down. I got out of the bed and went to sit, alone, on the couch in the living room. I was having a cigarette"¦thinking. I picked up Darren's lighter, and began playing with it. Then, after letting the flame burn for a few minutes, I turned it around and put it down on the inside of my arm.

The pain was terrible. Exquisitely searing the tender flesh on the inside of my arm. Like it was actually burning away all of the ugly things I had been thinking about myself. I felt light-headed and giddy, for a moment. When the pain stopped, and I pulled the lighter away from my skin, the angry red mark only served as a reminder that I could still feel real things. It sounds ludicrous"¦even to me. In my head it makes perfect sense, but out loud, it just sounds absurd. But, I've always felt that the pain from the burning keeps me real. I start to float off into my own private little wonderland and the pain brings me back"¦to reality.

I have a real problem with that, sometimes. Floating off into my "own private little fantasy world". I'm actually obsessed with fant An And, I think I try to find some way of working it into my everyday life"¦and then I end up being a bit troubled when I don't always live happily ever after. Although there is something to be said for Valium"¦

So, after that, I began doing it on a fairly regular basis. Every time I got very upset, or depressed about something, I'd burn myself. I had a shit day"¦burn. Wrecked my car"¦burn. Wrecked it again"¦. B. Broke up with boyfriend"¦burn. I was completely addicted to the pain. So, as a result, I am marked from wrist to elbow on both arms with these war wounds.

I first met the love of my life, Philippe, almost five years ago. We met on the internet, believe it or not. It was in some adult chat room, that I don't think even exists anymore. We met, and talked for a bit, not really putting too much thought into it"¦but, at the same time, slightly interested. We began talking more frequently"¦e-mailing, of course. Occassionally, we would arrange a "date", and meet in a chat room. But more often than not, it was e-mail. We chatted and e-mailed for almost a year. We were both in school. The only problem was: he was in Canada. Now, being a Texas girl, myself, Canada was on the other side of the world, as far as I was concerned. But, there was something there"¦it was more than just bullshit small-talk with us. We had a lot in common, and could talk about ANYTHING.

I left school shortly thereafter, and no longer had access to a computer. So, Philippe and I continued our relationship through letters and eventually even phone calls. The phone bills were outrageous! But, we were discovering"¦each other. It was awesome. I'd never felt that way about someone I'd never even SEEN. It was bizarre"¦I was intrigued. We continued to communicate and get closer. I was in and out of meaningless relationships, for some reason still searching for what I had already found"¦I just couldn't see it.

In March of the following year, we decided that he should come down for a visit. He has some family in Texas that he hadn't seen in a while, and decided to visit with them"¦giving him a reason to meet me. We met and it was fun! We did have a lot of fun together. He was sweet, kind, adorable, beautiful, funny and we still had EVERYTHING in common"¦can you feel the "but" coming? Something you should know about me"¦I'm a very "sexual/physical" person. In other words, I had always dated guys who were very aggressive, and physical. Philippe just wasn't. And, I must have deluded myself into thinking that he must just not really be interested in me that way. So, he never even kissed me. The most physical contact we had was holding hands. It was very sweet"¦but also very disconcerting.

I do remember, though, this oneningning. I had spent the night at his relatives house because we didn't get in until late. The next morning, everyone got up and left for work and school, except he and I. Still in our pajamas, we went out on the deck in the backyard, and sat to have a smoke. It was so peaceful. It just felt REALLY good. I vividly remember looking at him, sitting there in his pajamas and glasses, smoking a cigarette, and I thought, "I could so do this for thst ost of my life." Then, before I knew it, thek wak was over and we were saying goodbye. Alas, still no kiss, no nothing, so I just assumed that he wasn't interested in being anything more than the good friends we had started out to be.

Of course, it seems only fair to fill you in on the other info of that story. I had also met and developed a relationship with a third party. I had met him while working in my brother's restaurant. We became best friends, actually inseperable, but it developed into more. And, by the time Philippe was able to get here, I was seriously torn between them. I knew that I loved Philippe, but I think I was just scared. Scared because he lived so far away"¦scared because he was so perfect for me. (I have a tendency to date and/or become seriously involved in relationships with entirely the wrong guys.) I honestly think I just wasn't prepared to submit to the idea that I had finally found him"¦the one. So, I messed it up"¦as usual. He left, and we completely lost touch. Shortly thereafter I was engaged to the third party. That lasted three, not completely miserable, but not completely blissful, years. I never stopped thinking about Philippe, though.

After completely running that relationship into the ground, we decided to just part ways, amicably, and try to salvage what was left of our friendship. Of course, that didn't exactly go as planned, because he continued to pursue me. So, we pretty much had to cut it off completely. I was kind of glad for that. I loved him"¦still love him"¦I'm just not still in love with him. Most people don't realize that there is a difference, and that it is huge.

Then, I fell for Bachelor Number Three. We'll call him"¦Michael. Michael was a paramedic. Slightly overweight, but seriously pretty. He had a bit of a self-esteem problem. Unfortunately, he was also still slightly hung up on his ex-fiance"¦so that didn't last long. He was one of two men who actually literally disappeared off the face of the earth, about two months into our relationship. A freak occurrence, I'm sure"¦but, it did actually happen to me again about three months later. Darren, did the same disappearing act about a week after we slept together.

I told Michael about burning myself. He was very sweet, and understanding. When I first started doing it, I was very self-conscious about people seeing it. I got rather paranoid about it. I always thought someone was looking at the scars, or snickering about it to someone else. I felt very ashamed and stupid. Which, honestly, only made me do it more"¦it was quite the vicious circle.

When I met Bachelor Number Four"¦we'll call him"¦Derek, he seemed perfect for me. We had a lot in common, both loved sIt wIt was GREAT! We were together for nine months. I was very much in love with Derek. And, it finally came to a head after we had been together about nine months. I was ready for our relationship to move on to the next levut hut he seemed to be quite content with where we were, and began sprouting roots. So, I decided that to get to where I was wanted to be eventually (which was married with a family"¦) I was going to have to make some kind of change. We broke up shortly thereafter. It was very sad, but we are still great friends.

After that, I had a series of bad relationships. Then, I pulled Philippe from the back of my mind, where he had been wandering in and out of almost every memory I had, and I realized that that was EXACTLY where I needed to be. I needed to find him, and be with him forever and ever. The hard part was, how in the hell was I ever going to find him? We hadn't had any contact whatsoever in a little over five years! So, naturally, I decided to go back to the source. I went online, and typed his name into a Canadian People Search. It came up with exactly ONE match. And, it was in the last city I had an address for, from five years earlier. I was ecstatic. I copied down the address, wrote him a short letter, just basically saying who I was, and that I had known someone by this name, at this address five years ago"¦was this the same person? I got a letter back exactly one week later.

It was like we picked up almost exactly where we left off! It was incredible. I was so happy. I hadn't been happy like that in years. We talked through e-mail for about two weeks in February, starting on Valentine's Day. Then, the the phone for a month or so. By April, we were engaged. He came to see me for the first time in over five years in July. It was the most incredible time ever! We were like long lost lovers, literally! It was such a relief to finally be with him. He was down for four days, then I went up to visit him for the firsme eme ever in October. We had our engagement party, I got the ring"¦and we were married in my home town at the end of November!

Now, it's April, we\'ve been married almost six months and I have never been happier. I have a loving, wonderful, doting, beautiful, perfect husband who adores me, and I love and adore him more than life itself. And, I haven't burned myself in"¦well, a long, long time. He's my miracle.