in articulo Mortis

I am sitting. Staring out of a window into the darkness of night. The stars shine behind the blanket of clouds that seems ever present in my life right now . . . looking down at my hands as I rub my fingers together . . . and feeling, slightly numb . . . slightly. Disjointed . . . and I can’t help but ask myself "what if I'm missing something?"

My eyes slowly move over my body. They stop at my hands, they’re small. "Are these my hands? They seem so small." It seems they are, so I move over my body. The frame, My frame seems so small. My eyes scanned the room to see Barbies laying on the floor and flowered pattern sheets. I can feel my nose scrunch in confusion and yet it’s not my movement at all. I tilt my head as I hear the soft lilting hum of my mom always made when she was happy.

"How’s my sweet princess?" she asked as she smiled and walked into the room, fixing the covers over me. The smell of her perfume fills my nose. Lilac’s, like her garden. I can feel my lips curl into a smile. "Its just thunders honey" Mom whispered, and, in that inexplicable way moms have, assured me. The feeling of fear not even moving through me and yet the hairs on my arms and neck slowly stand on end. Is it the fear of the thunder, or was it something more something that I didn’t know about? My eyes met my mothers and I was brought back and all my thoughts drift back to her comfort. It's here, when I search my mom's eyes that I realized a few things. She looked a lot younger than I remembered and the fact that her hair always falls the same way, right over her cheeks almost covering her beautiful sapphire blue eyes. Mom hugged me thightly and I felt comforted and reassured as she pressed Mr Snuggles, My battered and threadbare bear in my arms. I hold him close to my chest, never wanting to let him go, the feeling of the matted fur against my chin makes me feel protected. My mother’s arms wrap around me as I feel my body jump from the crash of thunder in the background. . I quy cuy curl up into the warm loving arms that held me and rocked me from birth, a feeling of safety fills me as I closed my eyes tightly. I wrap my arms around her as if it were the first hug, or the last. The feeling of love was there, hazy like a dream, but there as I fell asleep in my mothers arms..

My eyes shoot open as I hear the blasting buzzer of the alarm echo in my head. Everything was blurred around me as I tried to focus, but in the faded morning sun, everything felt distant. I swung my feet out of the bed and to the cold floor, but the harsh bite of cold tile upon warm flesh never came, or if it did it was very vague. I padded from my room and into the bathroom, the taste of the mint from the toothpaste was bland and as my eyes looked up at the mirror I saw myself. I stared for a moment, and couldn't help but feel like I'd done this before. Not Déja Vu but the feeling that, despite the fact that you’ve done the same thing everyday of your l tod today is different. The doorbell rang loudly, and then again before I realize I am home by myself. Before answering the door I look at my reflection in the mirror again. Have I really grown this fast, or was last night just some incredibly vivid dream? Shaking my head, I clear my thoughts and head for the door.

The pain of my knees hitting the floor after they buckled is faded, trapped behind a cloud of grief that hangs in my mind as they speak of My mothers death. The tears on my cheek dissolve into my skin nothing feels right, I don’t feel the tears and yet I know they’re there. Is it the loss of her, or does something Elude me? Nothing feels right, not the stale air, nor the loving and caring touches of the people as I sit in the funeral hall. Surely it must be the day that’s drained all emotions and feeling from me a thought strikes me as I look around. "How did I get here?" The question fades as I see her face, gentle and small. My eyes study my mothers face with care, and I see that woman I loved frozen in time. in some vacuum of time, stuck between tick and tock, at peace as those around her cried.."She is smiling" I whispered, My voice cracked. and was rapidly absorbed by the silence that seemed all encompassing. I could feel the cold skin of her face before I even touched it, almost as if I knew the feeling already. My eyes close tightly just wanting to escape this nightmare.

I lay in the confines of my Warm bed, my chest rising and falling with small breaths. I'm in those few moments when your brain is awake but your body still sleeps and you can almost feel the day... and I feel the warm sweet scented breath playing against the back of my neck and I feel safe. Or am I? The breath on my neck is fading, the warmth and sweetness trickling away. I slowly roll over to the face of my lover, blurry through my still sleep weary eyes, but I'd recognize her anywhere, as if she was part of me. I can see my arms about her, holding her, but I feel nothing, as if she were not really there. She shifts and presses her naked body to mine and for a fraction of a second, I can feel her arms around me, cradling me, holding me as she does when I have a nightmare. and even that split second is enough to soothe me from the dream of my Mothers death. and My body relaxes against her .Although my body feels cold, almost distant, I let myself drift back into sleep. Letting my mind wander far from any thought that what I am feeling right now, the warmth and safety, might not be real. So I let my self forget everything else and concentrate on this feeling of love. But, Is it love that I am feeling?

My body jolts into consciousness once again, and I can feel the light in my eyes. The haze of distance is only growing worse as I hear murmured voices around me. The light blinds me, and I can feel the feint course of pain even though I know My body should be screaming in agony, I remember why I am here."Is she Okay?" the whispered voice of My lover, My head barely moves and I try to search for her and though my blurred vision I can see her face watching wor worry etched in her pretty features.. but is it worry... is it even Her? I can feel everything, ever sense dimming, I try to move my body in response to every trickle of pain but nothing happens, I will myself to reach out for Her hand.. to reach out to touch her.. but again, nothing. I can feel my body turn to Ice. "I'm dying" the words form in my mind, but not on my lips, so only I can hear them. there is something watching me.. I can feel it lurking in the shadows waiting for me to stop fighting.

The bitter, sour, coppery taste of battery acid hits my tongue. I can feel the blood trickling down my throat. Was I choking? Was I even ever breathing, had I ever drawn breath? I open my eyes and look down on myself in the Hospital bed and I realize that My memories had been nothing more than a dream I had at death...

People often ask if your life flashes before your eyes before you die, What if they are asking the wrong question. What if the flash of your life before your eyes, is actually Living