Suicide is Painless
folder
Angst › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,173
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Angst › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,173
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
Suicide is Painless
The door swung open loudly; rusted hinges groaning in pain from years of neglect, its cries filled my ears to stir the recesses deep within my mind. The air is thick and musty as I look about the room, the smell of rotting wood and stale air causing my chest to tighten as I make my way in. The room is not large, as I smile at the posters that adorn the walls from eras ago its faded colours stirring something within me. Such a long time ago, I close my eyes emoremories from a bygone era swim across my senses intoxicating me with its stark portraits.
I open my eyes and take in a sharp breath of air as I scrutinise the room in front of me. The colours of the posters seem somewhat vivid in comparison to the faded colours minutes ago. I hear soft whimpering behind me as I whirl around, the sound curiously familiar. There, on the edge of the bed is my twin sister, Amanda. Her hair is dishevelled as it hangs about hace ace like a limp blonde mop. Her head too is downcast as she continues to whimper, oblivious of my presence. I take a step forward and she looks up at me, her sapphire blue eyes are glazed over and bloodshot. She has been crying for some time now. I step forward to embrace her, to comfort and shield her from this pain but she flinches away, vainly attempting to hide her exposed forearm. I hold her forearm as our eyes lock, she flinches away but I keep my hold on her arm until she relaxes and gives in. Gently, ever so gently I roll up her sleeve as her head is downcast in shame. I\'m not prepared for what I see as my stomach turns, the bile rising up to the back of my throat, i want to look away, to run with tears streaming down my face but at the same time I cant look away. Jagged lines run up her forearm, some black and red, others white, carving small mountain ranges of keloid tissue against her otherwise flawless milky white skin. Some still bleeding, the cuts still fresh, unaffected by the body\'s clotting mechanisms at this period in time. I hold her inflicted arm in my hands, cradling it like a child as I cry.
White light flashes across my vision as I free myself from the catatonic state that has taken a hold of my mind. I find myself kneeling on the floor. I feel a dull throbbing pain in my right hand and find that it is clutching something, the knuckles white, shaking in effort. From the bottom of my fist vermilion drops appear, slowly dripping onto the floor, tarnishing the fine layer of dust accumulated upon its surface. After considerable effort I manage to loosen my possessed fist only to reel back in terror at what I find. There embedded in my palm lay a rusted razor blade. It\'s surface sticky from my congealed blood. I throw the accursed item away from me, I feel weak and sick but I must go on. I must face my demons before they destroy my own life.
Shakily, I stand up hoping to god that my knees won\'t fail me. Not now. Not when Im so close to the truth. Thankfully they do hold up and I get to my feet steadying myself as a wave of vertigo hits me like a ton of bricks. After a few deep breaths I steady myself and walk over to the bed. The cover is left exactly how it was all those years, like a snapshot frozen in time. Its messy ruffled sheets looked as if somebody had just slept in them. I sit upon the bed and open the bedside table, the drawers are bare except one which only contains a simple black book. It\'s brass lock shining dully in the light of the room. Another wave of nausea hits me as I black out temporarily.
I open my eyes to see Amanda in the room again, this time she is lying on her bed, her pen furiously scribbling away at the little black book in front of her. I walk over and sit next to her but she is oblivious to my presence as she continues to write. I reach out to stroke her hair but much to my surprise and dismay I find that my hand passes through her. Disappointed, yet still curious I sit next to her and read over her shoulder as she continues to write.
12/5/02
Dear Diary,
What is this pain that fills my entire being? Like a cancerous tumour it sickens me from the pit of my stomach. It feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest for all too see, yet for none to understand. I cut myself today, I know that I vowed that I would never do it again after promising to my sister after she caught me. But I want to feel something, instead of this emptiness that I carry around all the time. I cant cry, I cant laugh, I cant feel, why must I continue this life? I feel like an emotionless husk of a human being. I want to end this pain; I want relief. I was talking to John and he offered me a gram of coke, it felt good but the after effects weren\'t as desirable. All of this over one stupid boy. Well not stupid I guess, perhaps I was the one misguided enough to believe that we could be together. Ah love the eternal paradox that haunts me endlessly. I never thought I could fall in love. It\'s just falling out of love that\'s the problem I guess. I was driving along the highway today going 100km/hr in a 60km/hr zone when I saw a semi trailer coming in the opposite direction, I let go of the steering wheel and let the car drift into it\'s path. It was so easy, unfortunately I chickened out at the last minute, swerving back into the safety of my lane, inches away from an inevitable death. But I was so close, I could see the impact in my mind, the smell of blood and the feel of broken bones upon impact. Even the sounds of the glass shattering filled my mind. I\'m so fucking pathetic I cant even kill myself. My soul must be iron for my fear is naked.
12th of July... i look at the clock in Amanda\'s room. Its only 2pm in the afternoon, i was still out playing netball practice i think to myself as i continue to watch her in silence, sitting next to her as she finishes off the diary entry. i want to hug her, to hold her tight and tell her that everything is ok. But i cant, my efforts producing nothing as i fthrothrough her, my phantasmic form nothing but a curtain of air. She has finished writing now as she closes the book, her hand going through my body to place it back in the drawer by the bedside, oblivious to my presence. I can sense her pain as i see it in her eyes, yet there are no tears there, her eye\'s are dry. Azure, the colour of a warm summers day. So clear and beautiful. I watch as she gets up and moves around the room methodically, as if in a trance. I realise with dread that in her mind she is already dead, and her last diary entry was simply a eulogy. She goes over to the dresser and picks up the car keys as she stares at it for some time. i follow in her wake, screaming out for her to stop. Begging her, clawing at her back as i try and hold her moving body. But it is all in vain as my frenzied attempts fall through her, my futile efforts unable to stop the inevitable as she slowly turns away, walking slowly down the stairs.
The sun is still high in the air, a rarity during this time of the year where the sky is usually clouded with greyness. The birds chirp happily, unaware of the travesty that is taking place before my eyes as their sweet melodies mock my inner turmoil. i see the hose, it is exactly as i found it 3 hours later. Secured to the exhaust pipe, it\'s green length ending at the window of the drivers side. i know what\'s going to happen next, please dont let me see this. Why cant i wake up from this nightmare? Why must i wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat with the images of her face etched permanently in my mind? The noise of the engine however, pulls me back to this phantasmal realm. I walk to the car, sitting down in the passenger side. There she is, so peaceful, and untroubled. Slowly and systematically she begins to wind up her winuntiuntil only the hose keeps it from shutting completely. I move closer as i embrace her for the last time, i hear her breathing now. It\'s getting slower as she slowly begins to fall out of consciousness. My mind is racing, i want to help her, but i cant. Instead i stay where i am, embracing her. The radio is on in the background as i hear it dimly against her breathing.
\"Your halo slipping down... to choke you now.\"
Amanda closed her eyes for the last time. Slowly i lean forward and kiss her on the cheek. Her mouth trembled at my touch, as i kissed her on the cheek, had she felt me? her mouth parted one last time as she whispered something, barely audible against the music in the background before she embraced the darkness and with that peace.
\"I\'m sorry...\"
I open my eyes and take in a sharp breath of air as I scrutinise the room in front of me. The colours of the posters seem somewhat vivid in comparison to the faded colours minutes ago. I hear soft whimpering behind me as I whirl around, the sound curiously familiar. There, on the edge of the bed is my twin sister, Amanda. Her hair is dishevelled as it hangs about hace ace like a limp blonde mop. Her head too is downcast as she continues to whimper, oblivious of my presence. I take a step forward and she looks up at me, her sapphire blue eyes are glazed over and bloodshot. She has been crying for some time now. I step forward to embrace her, to comfort and shield her from this pain but she flinches away, vainly attempting to hide her exposed forearm. I hold her forearm as our eyes lock, she flinches away but I keep my hold on her arm until she relaxes and gives in. Gently, ever so gently I roll up her sleeve as her head is downcast in shame. I\'m not prepared for what I see as my stomach turns, the bile rising up to the back of my throat, i want to look away, to run with tears streaming down my face but at the same time I cant look away. Jagged lines run up her forearm, some black and red, others white, carving small mountain ranges of keloid tissue against her otherwise flawless milky white skin. Some still bleeding, the cuts still fresh, unaffected by the body\'s clotting mechanisms at this period in time. I hold her inflicted arm in my hands, cradling it like a child as I cry.
White light flashes across my vision as I free myself from the catatonic state that has taken a hold of my mind. I find myself kneeling on the floor. I feel a dull throbbing pain in my right hand and find that it is clutching something, the knuckles white, shaking in effort. From the bottom of my fist vermilion drops appear, slowly dripping onto the floor, tarnishing the fine layer of dust accumulated upon its surface. After considerable effort I manage to loosen my possessed fist only to reel back in terror at what I find. There embedded in my palm lay a rusted razor blade. It\'s surface sticky from my congealed blood. I throw the accursed item away from me, I feel weak and sick but I must go on. I must face my demons before they destroy my own life.
Shakily, I stand up hoping to god that my knees won\'t fail me. Not now. Not when Im so close to the truth. Thankfully they do hold up and I get to my feet steadying myself as a wave of vertigo hits me like a ton of bricks. After a few deep breaths I steady myself and walk over to the bed. The cover is left exactly how it was all those years, like a snapshot frozen in time. Its messy ruffled sheets looked as if somebody had just slept in them. I sit upon the bed and open the bedside table, the drawers are bare except one which only contains a simple black book. It\'s brass lock shining dully in the light of the room. Another wave of nausea hits me as I black out temporarily.
I open my eyes to see Amanda in the room again, this time she is lying on her bed, her pen furiously scribbling away at the little black book in front of her. I walk over and sit next to her but she is oblivious to my presence as she continues to write. I reach out to stroke her hair but much to my surprise and dismay I find that my hand passes through her. Disappointed, yet still curious I sit next to her and read over her shoulder as she continues to write.
12/5/02
Dear Diary,
What is this pain that fills my entire being? Like a cancerous tumour it sickens me from the pit of my stomach. It feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest for all too see, yet for none to understand. I cut myself today, I know that I vowed that I would never do it again after promising to my sister after she caught me. But I want to feel something, instead of this emptiness that I carry around all the time. I cant cry, I cant laugh, I cant feel, why must I continue this life? I feel like an emotionless husk of a human being. I want to end this pain; I want relief. I was talking to John and he offered me a gram of coke, it felt good but the after effects weren\'t as desirable. All of this over one stupid boy. Well not stupid I guess, perhaps I was the one misguided enough to believe that we could be together. Ah love the eternal paradox that haunts me endlessly. I never thought I could fall in love. It\'s just falling out of love that\'s the problem I guess. I was driving along the highway today going 100km/hr in a 60km/hr zone when I saw a semi trailer coming in the opposite direction, I let go of the steering wheel and let the car drift into it\'s path. It was so easy, unfortunately I chickened out at the last minute, swerving back into the safety of my lane, inches away from an inevitable death. But I was so close, I could see the impact in my mind, the smell of blood and the feel of broken bones upon impact. Even the sounds of the glass shattering filled my mind. I\'m so fucking pathetic I cant even kill myself. My soul must be iron for my fear is naked.
12th of July... i look at the clock in Amanda\'s room. Its only 2pm in the afternoon, i was still out playing netball practice i think to myself as i continue to watch her in silence, sitting next to her as she finishes off the diary entry. i want to hug her, to hold her tight and tell her that everything is ok. But i cant, my efforts producing nothing as i fthrothrough her, my phantasmic form nothing but a curtain of air. She has finished writing now as she closes the book, her hand going through my body to place it back in the drawer by the bedside, oblivious to my presence. I can sense her pain as i see it in her eyes, yet there are no tears there, her eye\'s are dry. Azure, the colour of a warm summers day. So clear and beautiful. I watch as she gets up and moves around the room methodically, as if in a trance. I realise with dread that in her mind she is already dead, and her last diary entry was simply a eulogy. She goes over to the dresser and picks up the car keys as she stares at it for some time. i follow in her wake, screaming out for her to stop. Begging her, clawing at her back as i try and hold her moving body. But it is all in vain as my frenzied attempts fall through her, my futile efforts unable to stop the inevitable as she slowly turns away, walking slowly down the stairs.
The sun is still high in the air, a rarity during this time of the year where the sky is usually clouded with greyness. The birds chirp happily, unaware of the travesty that is taking place before my eyes as their sweet melodies mock my inner turmoil. i see the hose, it is exactly as i found it 3 hours later. Secured to the exhaust pipe, it\'s green length ending at the window of the drivers side. i know what\'s going to happen next, please dont let me see this. Why cant i wake up from this nightmare? Why must i wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat with the images of her face etched permanently in my mind? The noise of the engine however, pulls me back to this phantasmal realm. I walk to the car, sitting down in the passenger side. There she is, so peaceful, and untroubled. Slowly and systematically she begins to wind up her winuntiuntil only the hose keeps it from shutting completely. I move closer as i embrace her for the last time, i hear her breathing now. It\'s getting slower as she slowly begins to fall out of consciousness. My mind is racing, i want to help her, but i cant. Instead i stay where i am, embracing her. The radio is on in the background as i hear it dimly against her breathing.
\"Your halo slipping down... to choke you now.\"
Amanda closed her eyes for the last time. Slowly i lean forward and kiss her on the cheek. Her mouth trembled at my touch, as i kissed her on the cheek, had she felt me? her mouth parted one last time as she whispered something, barely audible against the music in the background before she embraced the darkness and with that peace.
\"I\'m sorry...\"