Songs from the DARK Jukebox

A-5 With or Without you – side b

Date Completed: September 6, 2009
Word Count: 2792

(continuation of With or Without You)

The light of the hearth had died down and it was little more than glowing embers. There was enough light left to see the broken and abused body laying there on the futon. This was not how I wanted to bring Urmas back into my life. In all my pedantic fantasies, rape and ownership was never a consideration. He would be my student to my knowledge or he would be my squire on campaign. I never thought that he would be my body slave.

One dun shoulder hung out from under the silk tunic I laid over his now calm body. Healer Duena had used far too much. I raked a hand through my hair and let out a heavy sigh. She dosed him for his size, not his nature. I took everything from him this night. His innocence. His purity. Oh, how I’d longed for them but they were supposed to be offered to me.

Nughh.

There was a slight groan of pain but then nothing else. In a way, Urmas had offered up his virginity to me. Healer Duena made sure that he could not refuse. The taste felt lingering in my mouth was not indulgent satisfaction. His voice had made the sweetest cries even has tears crept from his closed eyes.

Sleep was not coming for me. I poured myself some wine and then nibbled at the bowl the attendants had left for me to eat. My little tail. He wasn’t so little any more. Then again, either was I. We both had come a long way in five short years.

Once I was the fifth son of the noble Lord Konami. Since my mother was a concubine, my birth rank wasn’t that important. My three older brothers were from the First and Second wives. The fourth son was from a northern slave who killed herself after giving birth. Once I was jealous of Zenka’s life. He lived in the main palace with the elder brothers while my mother and I were relegated to the outer colonies. Since meeting him, his northern mix of features and coloring has marked him as something foreign and his life in the palace has not been the days of roses that I had thought they were. We were close in age and in status that we bonded like school mates rather than disassociated brothers. Lord Konami made the comment when mother and I made a rare visit to the palace that she made a better merchant than she did a concubine. It wasn’t an insult though others took it to be. Mother was a cutthroat mercantile but she did love the finer things such as literature, music and art. I will forever honor her for giving me that same love. Because of her, I was able to live a normal life up until...

I kissed Urmas.

My little tail.
I leaned back and let my head fall heavily. Every time I came into the town I noticed a skinny kid in clean but threadbare clothes trailing after me. When I originally noticed him, he was following moving from shadow to stall to barrel in my wake. I just remember how big his eyes were peaking out under a mop of brown hair. I drew Mother’s attention to him. He was the tavern owner’s son. I was surprised that she encouraged me to befriend the little urchin. There were no other children at our house. All the servants who came with Mother from the palace were older and if they did have children they were adults and they craved the excitement of the palace rather than this backwoods town.

At first I treated him like a little kitten I found in the street. I didn’t know how to interact with someone younger than me. I was ten. He was five. He was curious and intelligent. He surprised me one day, pointing to a word in a primer I was reading to him and pronouncing it correctly. Most peasants didn’t have the capacity for knowledge...or so I was lead to believe. I showed him letters. I shared by books with him. He devoured them with an appetite that was startling. At that time, I was happy. I was naïve but I was truly happy.

Then the heir was killed in battle. The second son was found by a husband and jealousy won out before his identity was known. My third brother was assassinated. The Highlord called us home but not before word came that we were now targets. That night. I remember that night. Mother and I ran with nothing but the clothing on our backs. Servants I had know all my life were slaughtered before my eyes. Retainers who had always been kindly to me turned into ravenous beasts. If they didn’t, we would not have escaped. In the pale dawn of morning, all I could think about was how I could bring Urmas with us. His father was a beast. It was known throughout the village the abuse he heaped upon his family but it was his right. The Highlord’s escort found us in the woods and we were ushered into the caravan never to been seen again.

The total shock and surprise in his eyes was not false. Urmas thought I was dead.

Our dwelling had been raised to the ground. Our servants who were too slow to escape were either killed by the smoke, devoured by the fire or eaten by the blade. It seems that another me came from the ashes of that day. My lust for learning was something that the Highlord could use for his benefit. It turned out that I was a skilled technician in the art of war. My swordsmanship was a soldier’s standard training but it was my ability to think and strategize that kept me close to the palace, and my Father. This title and these lands were my reward for serving him well these past seven years.

My little tail had brought me joy. I had tried to treat him as brother but the feelings I harboured for him were not entirely brotherly. I knew my nature. It was wrong for me to try. I deserved to get scorned. That punch that he threw at me didn’t hurt enough to bring me to tears; it was the outright rejection.

I moved closer to his sleeping form. Life had not been kind to him. The home violence had escalated. I pulled the robe open and off his body. He was thin, too thin for his size. The scars on his body were an testament to what he had endured. The one that bothered me the most was the one on his forehead that bisected his eyebrow. He could have lost an eye.

He was better off with me. Even if he was a body slave.

My eyes took in the bruises I had left on his skin. A shaft of guilt hit me hard. I would make it up to him. Urmas, my little tail. He was a testament that once there were better days. Blood wasn’t a bath I had to take. Once, I was a teacher and he was my student. I was naive and he worshiped me. I was in love...and he was too young.

I reached out and touched his shorn hair. There was no way that he would have cut it. Even back when we were children I had asked him why he kept his hair long. He just shrugged and said that his Mother liked to brush it at night. She hummed while she did it. Humming meant she was happy. No...he never would have cut it. I laid this as another injury inflicted by the so called man who he was forced to call father. I let the strands sweep through my fingers.

Everything would be better in the cold light of day. The aphrodisiac would be burnt out of his system by then. The emotional riot that had possessed me when he was writhing in sexual agony had over rode my reason. I couldn’t allow that to happen again. I had survived without him all these years. I had made Highlord Konami proud. I had impressed the court But survival doesn’t mean flourishing. I lived when I was with my little tail. I wanted that again.

His lips were bruised.

I just might have destroyed any hope I had.

“...Zeph?”

I froze and looked down into his eyes. Even in the dim light of the dying hearth I could see the tears glittering in his eyes. “Is it really you?”

“Urmas...”

“Lord....”

I shook my head. “You knew be before the title of Lord landed on my shoulders.”

Nuuuggghhhh. “Don’t try and move. I was out of control and you will be sore. Healer Duena will see to you when the dawn comes.”

“I thought you were dead. There were bodies everywhere. I searched but I couldn’t find you...”

“Mother and I were able to get away.”

“I’m yours now?”

“Yes, Urmas...you are mine to take care of.”

There was silence and then he tried to roll over. He didn’t have the strength and finally gave up resting heavily against the extra pillows I had settled around him. “Did....did I give good service, Lord Konami?”

“Explain yourself.”

“I was told that body slave’s might ask for gifts if they have pleased their Lord. Did you get your satisfaction from...”

“You are not here to be my body slave.”

“I have to be...”

“Why do you have to be?”

“Only the Lord of the land would be able do break family law. As a tavern keeper’s tainted spawn, I cannot ask the Lord Konami for any type of favour.”

“But you can as the Lord’s body slave?”

“That is your will.”

“What can a body slave ask that I tavern keeper’s son cannot.”

“Would you, Lord Konami grant a request for a gift?”

“For you?”

“Yes, if I am deemed worthy.”
“What do you ask of me?”

“May I have an attendant of my own choosing?”

“There are more than enough servants within the keep to see to your needs.”

“Zephan...” His hand came out and touched my arm. “I will give you this body any time you desire me. I will do what you ask without question...”

“You are a body slave. That is expected of you.” My words were harsh and silence stood heavy between us.

In a softer tone, I queried. “What do you want, Urmas?”

“I want my Mother. I want her free from his reach. I want you to break the marriage vow.”

“That will make you a bastard and you will lose your inheritance.”

“A body slave has no need for inheritance and I would rather be a bastard than claim that man’s blood.”

I caught his chin and leaned over him. Instinctively his body crushed back into the pillows. It was to be expected. Even though the Healer’s aphrodisiac was strong enough to override the pain during the act it still was a savage breaking to saddle. “I will do that for you and your mother, but my payment for my generosity is not your body.”

I stroked the side of his face. “I want this.”

“My hair?”

“Your mind. In gratitude for granting your request...” I got to my feet and crossed to my shelves. I brought every book I could lay my hand on with me with I returned to my home lands. I was more home here in the western lands than at the palace in the East. I pulled the tome from the shelf. It was weighty but it was a good read. I thought of my little tail when I first picked it up in the marketplace.

“...I ask that you read this book to me.”

The look of his face was more stricken than when I embraced him. “I...I can’t read any more. Karras found the books you gave me and burnt them. I’ve forgotten.”

I could feel my hand tighten around the leather binding of the book. I have heard nothing but complaints and reports of violence about Karras since I came back. He was a useless piece of crap. It would be easy to just order his death. The Peacocks would carry it out with stealth and cunning. Then again, the worthless piece of flesh was Urmas’ father.

“You call him Karras now?”

“I would rather not call him Father. I am sorry Lord Konami, I can’t read.”

“You are unwilling to do this?” I lifted the book towards him.

“Not that I...”

“I will teach you, just before.”

“Our tree was burned down.”

“I’ll plant a new one.”

“Why not just choose another? It would take years for a seedling to provide shade.”

Practical Urmas. Even at ten he was so darned logical. I was glad to see that was still a vital part of him. “I...can’t get up.”

“I was passionate.”

“So was I...don’t wear that frown for me Lord...”

“Zeph...we are far too familiar with each other to resort to titles.”

“If it were not for you, I would still be a maiden.”

I froze. While thin, he was comely of face and fine stature. The maids should have been knocking at his chamber window nightly. His hand brushed my knee. “Karras’ rages are legendary in town. No man would want his daughter mingling with bad blood.”

“I did not treat you right.”

“You took your body slave.”

“I did not treat YOU right. My little tail...”

Urmas started. “I...forgot you called me that. I was a pest when I was younger.”

“You might have started out as a pest, but you quickly came my beloved...” His face blushed just as maid was wont to do when her heart’s beau passed by. “my beloved still.”

“I hurt.”

“Forgive me.”

“You are forgiven, Zeph.”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. Truly looked at him. He was a simple man. He wasn’t lacking in intelligence but his outlook was so simplistic. His worthless father would have tried to twist his son. The testament of a mothers love was right before me.

Mryam had run to the castle when she found out that her husband was selling his son into slavery to pay for his own debaucheries. I just happened to be in the corridor when the guards were attempting to throw a peasant woman back out into the road. I recognized her. She begged and pleaded but seal had already been set to parchment so the slavery could not be undone. The only remaining option left to us was the Lord claiming a personal slave – a body slave.

“Am I?”

“There is nothing you need to be forgiven for. I thought you were dead. Holding you in my arms was worth the price of pain I am feeling now.”

I could never tell him. It would be impossible to tell him that his mother had given me permission to take him into my house like this. As a slave. Once the brand was set, it would be displayed for all to see. It was the way of the land. Without it, as a slave he would be prey to any predator. That was not an option I was leaving open.

“Your mother is safe within the castle walls. As a token of the satisfaction that my body slave has given me, I will make her your attendant. She will want for nothing, and she will be free from Karras.”

“I will learn to read, Zeph.”

I moved slowly making sure that he understood my intentions. If there was one hint of fear, I would stop. We brushed our lips together slowly and softly. Mine stung. They were bruised just as Urmas’ lips were. His kisses were sweet. His body was warm. My little tail had turned into a strapping young man. I broke the kiss and pulled back to see his face. His smile was genuine and it undid me.

No, there would be no scarring on this flesh behind my hands other than those marks left by that man. Urmas looked best in silks. I would have a master tattoo my crest into his back. The Lands would know that Urmas was the body slave of the Lord Konami. His arm came up and caught me around the back of the neck urging me forward to his embrace. Urmas might wear the mark of a body slave but we both knew who owned who. My sweet little tail. Now that I have found you, you will never stray from my side again.

I have existed without you. I will finally begin to live with you under our tree of knowledge.


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With or Without You – U2