A Carton of Cigarettes and a Bag of Double Bubble

9


When I look back, it’s a motherfuckin’ wonder I didn’t end up dead that day. I come walking the hell down the sidewalk thinking not paying any motherfuckin’ attention, like always. When all the hell of a sudden, this motherfucker grabs me and puts a gun to my head, and drags me the hell into a fuckin’ alley. Right in the middle of the goddamned day this motherfucker pulls me off a crowded street and tried to mug me. Jesus, New York is fuckin’ fantastic!
“Shut up, be quiet, and don’t make a sound.” I think he wanted me to be quiet, while he felt around trying like hell to find my wallet. Meanwhile my fuckin’ shoulder was bleeding like a bastard, didn’t fuckin’ show too damned much because my vest is such dark denim.
“Hey, man, I’m broke. You ain’t gonna find one fuckin’ red cent in there.” I was telling the truth of course, I never kept my money in my wallet anymore. I started keeping it in a roll with a rubber band, and stuffing it into the lining of my hat.
“What the hell.... where the motherfuck is your money, and don’t play shit with me, smartass!” He was about to cram the whole goddamned barrel down my motherfuckin’ throat.
“I don’t have any money, motherfucker!” Shouldn’t have called him motherfucker. He beat the shit outta me with his gun, and walked off, looking like a model citizen. I propped myself up against the wall of the alley. Jesus, seemed like everybody in New York was lining up to work me over. I had been so many motherfuckin’ fights lately, I almost knew every knuckle in New York City on a fist name basis. Goddamnit!
I swear to Jesus I hadn’t been outta that church thirty motherfuckin’ seconds and I was already down for the fuckin’ count. So anyway I worked myself up and fuckin’ come stumbling outta the fuckin’ alley with blood dribblin’ outta my fuckin’ mouth and the start of what looked like it was gonna be a real fuckin’ nice shiner. Other than that, life was fuckin’ fantastic! But what the hell you can’t have everything, right man?
The afternoon rush was fuckin’ on in full force, I kept wondering what all these people were doing out when the sun wasn’t up. I looked at my watch it was eleven-thirty. I think thats when I fuckin’ realized I was really starting to lose it. I still had a fuckin’ half hour to kill so I went into this coffee shop, really fuckin’ classy joint, bleeding the hell and gone.
“What do you want?” the guy behind the bar asked, eyeballing me like a fuckin’ bastard. I’m still in fuckin’ shock that he even served me.
“Just a cup of coffee, man.” as I bled onto the bar. I already felt like hell.
So I fuckin’ sat down at the bar and waited, thinking about how nice it would fuckin’ be to see Tina again, and hoping to fuckin’ hell and gone that she remembered and that I wouldn’t have to go back up to her apartment. I think I would fuckin’ cry if I had to go back in there so soon after she fucked somebody.
Once again fuckin’ zoning out proved to be a motherfuckin’ goddam mistake. I sitting there at the fuckin’ bar thinking that other than the motherfuckin’ fact I’ve just been beat, life was peachy fuckin’ keen when guess who walks into the diner. The motherfucker duo, John Keese and Ronald Burlik, followed by five others and a army of girls. What is it with these fuckin’ assholes that they can’t fuckin’ step outta the fuckin’ goddam house by themselves. Jesus H. motherfuckin’ Christ!
Well, just the fuckin’ sight of Keese and Burlik made the music come right the hell in at the fuckin’ chorus, I was trying like hell not to fuckin’ kill him. Trying to fuckin’ sink into the goddam bar. I pulled my cap off and tucked it into my fuckin’ vest trying to look inconspicous. Fuckin’ useless.
“Hey, John, look who’s here!” Ronald Burlik, that fuckin’ piece of shit.
I didn’t even wait I just twirled around on the stool and leaned back and pulled my cap down over my eyes. If the bastard hit me like that it would prove he was a fuckin’ coward.
“That’s right, Ronald, by the way John that was a fuckin’ nice ride I had in your car, man. How much fuckin’ money did your daddy lay down for that fucker?” I was trying like hell to figure out a way outta that goddam place, but it looked pretty fuckin’ near goddamned impossible.
“Who is that?” I heard one of the girls ask some guy I had never seen before.
“Shut the fuck up, bitch.” he barked at her. I was at his throat before they even knew I had left the bar.
“YOU FUCK! I WISH TO GOD I COULD FUCKIN’ KILL YOU AND BRING YOU BACK SO I COULD FUCKIN’ DO IT AGAIN! GODDAM I HATE YOU AND ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO TALK TO GIRLS LIKE THAT. THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKIN’ SCHOOL IS MADE OF SHIT LIKE YOU YOU FUCKER!” I can’t remember how long I choked him before they fuckin’ drug be off the bastard and outside,but out of plain motherfuckin’ view of course. These motherfuckers would never be caught consorting with shit like me, after all. I’m not gonna fuckin’ go into it, but they fucked me over pretty good, but I drew blood from everyone of the motherfuckers. And they quit before I did.
They were taking turns holding me from behind and fuckin’ pounding on my face, John said the one who could fuckin’ get me to tell them what I did with his car would get fifty bucks. I told the bastard I fuckin’ put a rag into the gas tank and lit it. To tell the truth I don’t even fuckin’ remember what happened to that car. To tell more, I don’t really give a fuck. I tried my best to fight back, to the fuckin’ point of laying flat of my back and kicking at anything that moved around me. I quit kicking after a while, because I was seeing them there, even though I knew they had fuckin’ left a goddamned hour ago.
So there I lay. Beat again. Motherfuckin’ cowards didn’t even stay to eat. They came in kicked my ass and went back to hell where the fuckers came from. Well, I was gonna look goddam awesome when I finally got back to Tina’s. I came up the stairs busted up and fuckin’ bleeding AGAIN, only to find the door locked and Tine gone. I collapsed on a bench in the hall and waited for her.
I sat there a pretty long fuckin’ while just feeling myself bleed. You know blood is a fuckin’ awsome sight, especially when it’s yours. I’ve always thought those two things were wonderful to see, your own blood and cigarette smoke. I used to just hold cigarettes and watch them burn at night, they were beautiful, but as I sat there and looked at my blood that stained my hand I reallized it was fuckin’ more beautiful than the smoke. But not as beautiful as Tina. I was fuckin’ hoping she had found my note.
I was really fuckin’ missing her about right then. I hated myself for stopping for that goddamned coffee , when I shoulda just fuckin’ come straight there, but what the hell you can’t have everything, right man?
“Listen, I’m telling you for your own good, stop messin’ around with him. You’ll end up dead!” somebody was saying, it sounded like a goddam parade coming up the stairs, so I pulled my hat down low over my eyes and tried to blend into the fuckin’ wall. I actually seemed to fuckin’ work this time.
“I know, but I have to make a living somehow!” that was Tina I could already recognize her voice. Jesus, it made me feel better.
“And besides, I have you to help me if I need it.” I heard a small giggle then they were at my floor.
At first I thought the cast from “The Godfather” had come to see Tina, there was this tall skinny guy with a custom made suit and a nice overcoat, which made perfect since to me since it was snowing out. Even though it was in the middle of fuckin’ July. Tina was right beside him, followed by three others who had on similar suits but not quite as fuckin’ nice as the first guy.
“Yeah, you do, but I might not be around to help you all the time. Come on Tina your like a little sister to me.”
“A little sister that can shoot good.” I kinda snickered at that, which was about the time she saw me.
“H.C.? Is that you?” I pulled my hat at and threw my hands behind my head, leaning back.
“Hell yeah.” I said.
I got up and she ran over and hugged me. “Where the hell did you run of to last night? I worried about you! What happened your bleeding!?”
Now that made me feel fuckin’ alright. I looked over at the other guy who just kinda fuckin’ stood there, dusting his suit off and looking impressive. I already kinda liked the motherfucker, for no other fuckin’ reason than it seemed like Tina fuckin’ liked him. I told Tina I was fine, then she introduced us.
“Tony, this is the guy I told you about. You know, the one Mikey and Racino are scared of?” I kinda fuckin’ gathered that Mikey and Racino were Slim and Shorty. The fact that they were scared made me feel real the fuck alright.
“Ah, H.C. isn’t it? I’m glad to meet you, you have no idea how long we’ve been trying to get those two. They’ve been cutting up little girls all over New York, but I guess you put the fear of God in ‘em. My name is Tony Darma.” he offered his hand.
“Hi, my real name is Godfrey Michaels. Glad to meet you, man.” I shook his hand.
“Tony here was just tellin’ me about the dangers of strange men.” she gave me a wink. I fuckin’ grimaced, I was still thinking about what I had heard earlier.
“No I was just tellin’ you how to stay alive. The girl won’t listen to reason. I’ve been trying to get here to leave her sinful ways and join the Mother Church, but I haven’t convinced her yet.”
“Well, the “Mother Church” hasn’t changed your ways much!” I could feel a real big motherfuckin’ argument coming on between these two so I just kept my fuckin’ mouth shut and my fuckin’ head down.
“And just what do you mean by that?”
“Oh, don’t play dumb with me, I know you still have dealings with the fuckin’ mob!” I made a big fuckin’ note to myself not to fuckin’ cross Tony, I could fuck with the preps and jocks and get away with it, but nobody gets away with fuckin’ with the mob.
Anyway Tony kinda eyed me, and I just looked off like nothing had been said, after that he told me he owed me one for keeping Tina safe and that if I ever needed a favor just call him. I fuckin’ assured him I would and said goodbye. They left and it was just me and Tina.
“So, where have you been?”She asked me as she unlocked the door of her apartment.
“To the fuckin’ jungle and back, Tina, to the fuckin’ jungle and back. I’ve had a very fuckin’ interesting night. Did you know its snowing outside?” Hell I knew it sounded fuckin’ crazy to hear. She looked at me kinda strange then went inside I followed her. I was feeling more alive every second I was with her. Thats what life’s all about, man, living. Just fuckin’ keeping your head above water. Staying the motherfuck alive.
So we sat and talked a little while then she made a big fuckin’ deal outta letting her see my shoulder. Then she did her best patch job again after trying her fuckin’ best to get me to let her take me to the hospital. I told her no fuckin’ way. We just hung out at her house all fuckin’ day long. We watched TV and fuckin’ talked ‘cause neither one of us felt much like going out. I guess I was OK to stay in her apartment after all.
So thats how we spent Thursday, at least until the sun went down, at least she said it did, to me the night just got a little darker. I don’t fuckin’ think there was a sun that week, man. It seems to me that life never fuckin’ started until it got dark even when I was a little motherfucker. It seems like the daylight is fuckin’ death to me now. Vampire syndrome, man. Told you I was a madman motherfucker. I asked her if she wanted to go eat or something, she said she’d love to.
I had plenty of money to live on that week so I thought I’d fuckin’ splurge just once for Tina. I took her to one of the best restraunts I could fuckin’ find. It’s a nice little place, set up like a fuckin’ rainforest. There’s one seat I love, it’s a table behind a waterfall. They have a fuckin’ waterfall in the restaurant, so you can either look at the waterfall or out the window, which has a fuckin’ awesome view of New York.
We got there and ordered then we talked. She talked about her family and how she was going to be a real woman some day and not a fuckin’ sex toy. It made me fuckin’ feel like shit when she said that. To me she already was a real woman, but what the hell you can’t have everything, right man?
Then we just sat there and looked out the window. Oh fuck, man, it was so goddam nice. I wish to God you could get how fuckin’ nice it was. Not fuckin’ long enough though, the waiter came and brought the food, which was great and I was glad she liked it. So I paid and we left.
“Why do you think your crazy?” Tina asked me this while we were fuckin’ walking around.
“Well, I figured out a long fuckin’ time ago either I was fuckin’ sane and the rest of the goddam world was crazy or I was psycho and the rest of the world was fuckin’ peachy keen.” and it was about the closest to the fuckin’ truth I could ever get. I tried to express it in fuckin’ words once but it never made any fuckin’ sense to anybody but me.
“Oh.”
“OK, my turn. Why in the hell were you fuckin’ doing a drive-by?”
“It was a favor to Tony. He’s so damned cute about it, he swears he has no criminal ties in the same breath he asks me to help him do a drive-by.
“Then who was he telling you not to fuck around with, pardon the expression?” goddammit!
“My pimp. He’s been kinda rough on the girls lately, very rough, actually.” Fuckin’ music time. It was already coming.
“Who’s your pimp?”
“H.C., no. I know how you get about women with your goddamned chivalry and I’m not going to see you killed because of it!”
“Just tell me who he is!”
“He’s a young guy! You don’t need to know, trust me!”
“So some young bastard is beating you up because you don’t sell your body enough for his tastes. Goddamn this whole fuckin’ world is fucked up!” I was getting really fuckin’ pissed.
“OK, calm down.” she was clinging to me, but when I fuckin’ get like that I’m outta control. I whirled around and punched right the hell through a plate glass window. It shattered and fell with the fuckin’ snow then the fuckin’ alarm started up.
“Now you’ve done it. Come on you stupid bastard!” she grabbed my arm and we fuckin’ took off. Not one goddamned minute too fuckin’ soo, the sirens were already headed our fuckin’ way. we ran away into the night, the music blaring in my head over the sounds of the fuckin’ police sirens.
“Goddam you, you stupid bastard, your gonna get us fuckin’ busted!” Tina was a very sensitive girl. We got a few blocks away and slowed to a steady trot. Probably the fuckin’ doughnut patrol was on duty that night.
“Hell with the fuckin’ cops, they haven’t got me yet, and I’ve been fuckin’ this town over every motherfuckin’ chance I get.” I was sore as motherfuckin’ hell. All those fuckin’ beatings and cussings and every other motherfuckin’ thing was building up inside me like a fuckin’ volcano. Something shoulda told me then that I was fucked up royally. But what the hell, you can’t have everything, right man
“You really are crazy aren’t you?” She kinda looked at me for the first time we met. I mean really fuckin’ looking deep. I didn’t like it much, but I just stood there fuckin’ looking back at her.
“I gotta go, I’m working tonight.” She didn’t even fuckin’ stick around to say goodbye. Nope, she just fuckin’ waltzed off, like she was the queen of the goddamned world. Hell with it.
I got to walking and thinking again. After all what was this a fuckin’ movie? Was I supposed to be fuckin’ Nicolas Cage and Tina was supposed to be my Sera? Fuckin’ bullshit, man. See that’s what they keep telling me, “Jonathan,” That’s my first name, I fuckin’ hate being called Jonathan, “your life is not a movie. You aren’t some indestructable force. You will lose if you live like like that.” and that shit is crap too. They tell me no your life is not a movie and you’ll lose the game if you play like that! Wow. Life isn’t a fuckin’ movie, its a motherfuckin’ game! On and on I walked thinking about the last coupla months and the whole fuckin’ school year before, and all those motherfuckers before that. It was fuckin’ building up and I could almost quote the goddam music. I was so fuckin’ stressed out.
I think that’s when I got a glimpse at what was coming.