August

February 29

"Caddy, no." Phidias shook his head firmly. "No. I'm sorry. But I don't think it's appropriate, and I'm not letting you wear it. Especially not to school."
Cadmus sighed tremulously, already irritated with his father.
"Dad. I'm not a little kid, and it's not that big of a deal. Everybody in my level wears something."
Phidias didn't answer, just pursed his lips tighter and shook his head.
"Caddy, no. You're a kid, it's not - "
"I am not a kid!"Caddy slammed his palm down on the bathroom counter. "I am not a child. I'm 14 fucking years old, and I have to deal with real life stuff, just like you do. And I have friends, and problems, and I get picked on enough, and it's hard enough as it is, and then every time I get to act even a little bit normal, you always have to come in and ruin it! I just want to be like everybody else for one day! I just want to fit in for a little while! Why is that so bad?!"
Phidias was a little stunned; the Caddy he remembered hadn't acted like this, and the Caddy he had raised would never speak to him like this. This wasn't Caddy, this was some thief, some little monster that had taken over his son's body.
"Cadmus, I - "
Caddy didn't even let him finish. He was too hyped up on emotion and the momentum of his argument.
"Isn't my life fucked up enough for you? Why do you keep trying to make it worse? God." Eyes running with tears now, Caddy snatched up his backpack and shoved it roughly onto his shoulders. "I was better off before you got here."
That said, he threw the tube of mascara at Phidias. "Fine. You take it. I won't wear it."
At the bathroom door, he turned and added nastily,
"Maybe you can use it."
Phidias stared after him until he heard the apartment door slam. Then he got in the shower and stared at the wall until he was late for his own morning class.

~:~

Because of Phidias' age and advanced situation, he had daily private counseling during what would have been his free hour. The counselor was a very kind man of about Phidias' age, and he wore dark, well-made suit pants and a simple shirt on almost every occasion. Knowing nothing else about the man, it was not immediately clear to Phidias whether he was a carrier himself or not. He had a calm, refined air about him, and Phidias found it difficult to imagine him acting like some of the other carriers did - subservient and superficial. The thought of it brought his mind back to Caddy immediately. His face must have shown the tension, because the counselor asked about it.
"Something on your mind, Phidias?"
"My son. Cadmus. He's - he wants to wear...makeup. We had a fight about it. I think he's...really mad."
For a moment, he could have sworn he heard Emily's laughter, but it was so ephemeral that he decided he must have imagined it. The counselor smiled kindly at him.
"Cadmus is 14. It's a tough age, carrier or not. I'm sure he said some pretty mean things to you, didn't he?"
Phidias nodded and folded his arms tightly over his chest.
"I'm just worried that he...he...hates me."
The counselor smiled ruefully and shook his head.
"I assure you, he doesn't. It's adolescence. We all said some pretty mean things at that age, didn't we? Even to people who loved us very much, and who we loved back."
There was quiet while Phidias pondered over this for a minute.
"Do you want to tell me what he said?"
Phidias continued pondering, didn't nod or look up, but spoke abruptly.
"He said he was better off before I got here."
The counselor cringed.
"Ouch. That one always stings, doesn't it?"
Phidias looked up at him and shrugged.
"I don't know. He's never said it before."
The counselor made an understanding face.
"Well, I think it ranks about third in popularity in a recent poll of early teenagers, just after 'I hate you' and 'You're ruining my life'."
The counselor delivered these two with such dead-on accuracy that Phidias couldn't help but laugh, which made the counselor laugh, and the two shared the joke, enjoying the fellowship for a peaceful minute. Then the counselor cleared his throat.
"So how is everything else going?"
Any camaraderie they'd had vanished. Phidias straightened up in his chair.
"Fine. I feel fine. Doctors say I'm fine. No more pain, no nausea. Head's OK."
The counselor nodded.
"And did you try the explorations we talked about?"
Phidias turned red immediately and shook his head.
"I can't."
The counselor shifted in his chair so that he faced Phidias more fully.
"You can't?"
"I can't...do that. I can't touch myself."
The counselor nodded.
"OK. That's OK for right now. But why do you think you feel that you can't touch yourself?"
Phidias folded his arms again and mumbled.
"Because it doesn't feel like me. It's not...my body. It's not mine."
"But it is yours."
Phidias didn't respond. The counselor glanced at the clock.
"Phidias, I'm sorry to push you. Really, I am. It's just..."
"That I'm a time-sensitive issue. Yeah. I know. I have to keep trying the exercises, know my own body. I'm on a clock. I get that. I have a date this week."
The counselor looked surprised, then flipped back a few pages in the notepad he was holding.
"I didn't know; nobody - "
"I asked them not to tell." Phidias looked sheepish; his desire to keep the thing a secret seemed childish now - it wasn't as if everyone didn't know it was inevitable. "Sorry."
The counselor shook his head vigorously.
"No, Phidias, no sorry. It's OK. You made a choice and that's fine."
There was a pause.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." Phidias answered dully.
"OK." the counselor glanced at the clock again. "Well, we're getting close to our time-up here." he looked back at Phidias. "And I bet you want to get on with your day, don't you?"
Phidias shrugged.
"Lunchtime, I guess. I could eat something." he frowned. "I wanted to transcribe some tapes I had this afternoon, but they won't let me have them." he made a face. "They're reviewing all my work materials."
The counselor closed his eyes and exhaled.
"Checking for contraband. Yeah. They did that to me, too."
One mystery solved.
The counselor glanced again at the clock.
"Listen, would you like some company for lunch? I won't be able to go, but I know a group - mostly early thirties, but all professionals - and they're always welcoming to a new member."
Phidias hesitated, remembering his debacle in the lunchroom the week before.
"...unless you'd rather eat alone."
Phidias shook his head furiously.
"No. I really would rather not."

~:~

Adrian stared at his feet as they swung back and forth. Left, right. Left, right. Black shoe, black shoe. A pair of feet appeared in his line of vision. They were wearing blue sneakers. Mom. He looked up. Big brown eyes were looking down gently at him.
"Test said yes, sweetie."
His carrier stepmother came forward and hugged him, and Adrian immediately began to bawl.
"OK." Ren ran gentle fingers through his hair, tried to soothe him. "OK. I know. It's OK."
Adrian shook his head.
"He won, Mom. He won."
Ren held onto Adrian tightly.
"Hush, Adrian. No, he didn't. It's OK. You're fine." After a few minutes, Ren pulled back, smoothing the hair out of Adrian's face and handing him a tissue to wipe his eyes.
"Your dad's outside, in the hallway."
Adrian looked up, the question unasked in his eyes. Ren nodded.
"Yeah, he's there, too."
Adrian made a frustrated sound and rubbed his eyes again, trying to stem tears. Ren sat down next to him on the hospital bed so that he could rub his stepson's back.
"You know you've got to be happy for your dad, don't you?"
Adrian nodded miserably. Ren brushed specks of dirt off of Adrian's shirt. "He's so happy for you. You know that, too, don't you?" Adrian nodded again. There was a speculative silence.
"It wasn't - " Ren stopped, bit his lip. "You're crying, so I guess there's no chance it was - "
Adrian shook his head, eyes focused on the wall straight ahead. Ren looked at him tenderly.
"Are you hurt?"
Adrian shook his head.
"It wasn't...that bad. He wasn't that mean."
Ren accepted this. More silence. Ren, trying to cheer him, nudged him with one elbow and smiled mischievously.
"You know this means we'll live together again, right? More fool your father,"
Adrian laughed. He hadn't really thought of it before. Going back to Woodacre. Back home. It seemed so far away. A body appeared in the doorway. Adrian's stomach dropped. Ren smiled calmly and got up to hug his future son-in-law.
"Hi, Sean."
"Hi, Mrs. Mackenzie."
"How are you? You look like they've been feeding you well." he joked, reaching up to pat Sean's shoulder. Sean Wick smiled.
"Aye, they have. How's everything at Woodacre?"
"Fine. Callie had her puppies. We think they're Copper's - they all came out spotted brown. Afterwards, she ate two chickens. Your mom was pretty upset."
Sean snickered.
"About the puppies, Copper, or the chickens?"
Ren laughed.
"All of it, I think."
Sean grinned and his gaze slid over to Adrian.
"Well...he'll be happy about this."
Ren glanced once at Adrian, who had already straightened up and was busy making himself presentable.
"I'm sure he will be! You should call him, quick, or I'll open my big mouth and spoil your surprise."
Sean looked once more at Adrian, who had by then managed to elevate his appearance from suicidal to apathetic.
"Actually, I'd like to talk to Adrian alone for a minute first, if I could."
Ren didn't even blink.
"No problem. I'll be outside. But remember - his dad wants to see him, too! Don't take up all his time."

The door clicked shut. Sean approached the bed. Adrian wouldn't look at him.
"You still mad at me?" Adrian wasn't about to answer a question as stupid as that one. Sean pressed. "Hmm? Are you? You in a snit?"
Adrian felt a rage welling up in him and he willed it down. Sean observed him for a minute, then sat down beside him on the bed.
"You knew what was going to happen, babe. You knew it from the minute you agreed to come that day."
Adrian shook his head. Everything was bursting, ready to explode from his mouth. He tried to tamp it down, but all the anger, and the pain, and the confusion, and the anguish fought him to get out.
"You ruined me."
Sean sighed.
"Babe."
Adrian shook his head.
"You did. You ruined my life. We used to be friends, Sean - remember? Then you hurt me, and you took away Steven, and you got me pregnant, and - "
"Babe."
"I'm not your babe! I'm not your...anything."
Wick sighed.
"Adrian."
Adrian shook his head and tried to get up; a heavy hand on his arm stopped him.
"What the fuck was I supposed to do, Adrian? You think you can talk to me the way you did? In public? In front of my own CO?" Sean shook him. "I make so many fucking allowances for you, and you think you can act like that? I had to make a point. Make it clear to everyone that you are not the smartmouthed little cunt that you appear."
Adrian slapped Sean across the face, then fled to the other side of the room immediately. This time, he was careful to flee towards the door. One hand on the knob, he snapped,
"Nobody was there when you raped me in the storage room. Who were you making your point to then?"
Sean laughed.
"So when you come to me, it's sex. When I come to you, it's rape."
"Fuck you, Sean."
Sean narrowed his eyes.
"Watch your language. Remember who you're talking to." Sean glanced at the door. "And besides, your dad is in the hallway."
Adrian hesitated, and Sean held out one hand to him.
"Come here, Adrian. Please?"
There was a long moment of deliberation. Sean let the command back into his voice.
"Come HERE, Carrier. Now."
Adrian gave in, making his way across the room to squeeze in between Sean's open legs and not meet his eyes. The officer wrapped his arms around Adrian's back, laying his head against the smaller man's middle.
"I'm sorry we had to come together this way. But I'm not sorry we came together. And I tried to give you time, Adrian, but time was running out. Steven was a bad fucking idea, and when you did that, you upped the ante."
In his arms, Adrian tensed, and Sean leaned back to see his face and raised an eyebrow.
"You didn't really think you were going to marry him, did you?"
Adrian didn't answer. Sean studied his face.
"Well. At least you didn't fuck him. Thank God you didn't fuck him."
Adrian kept very quiet.
Sean looked up at him.
"Is that why he left you?"
Adrian shrugged.
Sean looked wistfully up at him.
"Well, he was a fool. If he loved you, he'd have bred you. I know he made you happy. But I can, too. That's all we want for you, you know - your dad and Ren and my parents and me - we want you to be happy. I hope, in time, that you'll understand that."
Sean lifted his head again. Adrian was looking down at him with an expressionless face.
"Let me marry you. Let me take you home, to Woodacre. You can have one of Callie's puppies. We can build a house. We can make our parents deliriously happy - "
"You think they will be?"
Sean scoffed.
"They've been hoping this would happen since you were fourteen years old."
Adrian looked to the side.
"I thought your stepmom always kind of hated me."
Sean smiled, the first utterly sincere smile he'd given Adrian in a long time.
"He was just afraid you'd break my heart."

~:~