Institutionalized

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I woke with a start; eyes growing wide and alert. I looked around blearily, taking in the familiar décor of the cement walled washroom. I tried to stand but my legs had gone numb and shook violently as I pulled myself up, using the sink for leverage. Once standing I was hit with a wave of dizziness. I clenched my eyes shut; replaying the incident from earlier in my head and trying to remember why I hadn’t been dragged out and sedated….but I do remember….I tried to remember...

“Where is he Lucius, where? Oh, I see. Is he hiding in the washroom?”

“Why don’t you leave him alone he’s trying his best; even you must admit that the transition he’s going through is incredibly difficult!” I remember Lucius saying, in a very diplomatic and seemingly uncharacteristic sort of way. I don’t think he said anything else because...right, somebody else came...Jackie.

”Austin, please back down. Don specifically ordered me to make sure that Salem doesn’t take or isn’t given any medication...for now. Let’s leave him; I’m sure he’ll calm down on his own eventually.”

I clutched the sink, staying still and willing the dizziness to go away. However, the feeling only increased and got worse and I was forced back to the floor where I sat clutching my head. A few minutes passed before the dizzying feeling became nauseating. I gave in and crawled to the toilet, peering into it for several minutes while swaying back and forth even though I was trying to stay as still as possible. I tried to will myself into being sick, and when my efforts proved futile I resorted to sticking my finger down my throat and forcing it.

Even though I was gagging myself, at first nothing happened. I tried again, gagging but nothing came up. By this point my head was pounding and I was starting to question my decision. I tried a third time, shoving two fingers to the back of my throat, but this time when I gagged I held my fingers where they were, gagging repeatedly until eventually I managed to bring up a considerable amount of bile and very little food remnants.

I felt somewhat better immediately, regardless of the burning in my stomach. After regaining my breath I repeated my actions, again bringing up bile although considerably less. Despite the burning in my stomach and throat, I did it a final time bringing up hardly any bile, speckled with what looked like blood.

I flushed the toilet and moved away from it, leaning against the wall. I shook violently, suddenly cold. I looked at the toilet, feeling little remorse. When I was 14 I used to have a serious eating problem. I would eat tons of junk food, chocolate, chips, candy, anything really, and after a short time I realized I couldn’t continue to sneak in my binging in case someone noticed my weight gain. I think I was doing the whole ‘emotional eating’ thing that single women in there forties do. Something like that.

I thought of it, but didn’t really do anything about it until Kieran, my brother, had commented on it. Said I was getting ‘soft’. After that I always made myself sick after binging, feeling self-conscious. Luckily I quickly gave up my fascination with food and also stopped purging; which is why I didn’t have an answer for why I had done it now, in this place, especially since I’d barely eaten since I got here.

Either way I felt better and stood again, feeling only faintly lightheaded. It was now that I noticed the blood on my clothes and the floor, and the cuts on my arm. Somehow, this I didn’t remember until now. I cursed myself for being so stupid before crouching and picking up the broken razor bits and setting them on the edge of the sink. Next I took off my blood stained clothes, leaving my boxers. I grabbed the nearest towel and wet it before using it to clean the blood off my skin.

After washing I revealed several small indistinguishable shapes but mostly a bunch of small angry lines as well as one sharp gash on my wrist. The cut on my wrist still bled slightly, the wound gaping open. I figured that was where all the blood, and maybe my dizziness, had come from because I had few other cuts. I could hardly believe I’d done that to myself with the little blade; and then I realized that my fingertips on my right hand throbbed with tiny cuts. I ripped off a small piece of towel and fastened it around my wrist, tying it as best I could.

I cleaned the blood from the floor and tossed the towel in a pile with my clothes. I unlocked the washroom door and opened it with shaky hands. I had to use the door jam for leverage as I stumbled into the room. Everything seemed darker than it had earlier and I suddenly felt weak again, wanting to sit down. I stopped and stood still, closing my eyes momentarily. They snapped back open when I felt a cold hand on my arm and I jerked away, stumbling and nearly tripping.

I looked at Lucius blearily, but couldn’t focus enough to really look at him.

“Do you need a nurse?” Lucius asked quietly.

“Nnnn...” I responded. I couldn’t think properly and my throat was burning, making it hard to talk, or to even think of what to say. What the hell, I was fine a moment ago...

“Maybe you should lie down, are you okay?” he responded, moving closer to me.

“I d-don’t...I don’t n-need...” I tried, but failed. I gestured for him to come closer and when he did I latched onto him. Lucius immediately went tense and tried to push me away despite my current state. “You have to help me,” I admitted reluctantly. “I-I...I just...c-cant,” I stuttered, leaning against him.

I could tell that he was struggling to support me, but either way he slowly started backing towards my bed, dragging me along with him. I tried to help but my legs felt so weak, I wanted to collapse. Eventually we neared the bed and he sat me down, my head immediately fell backwards and almost smacked off the wall.

“Uh, Salem? I don’t know what to do,” he said. I looked up at him and could now make out the nervous look on his face. He kept glancing at the door.

“Water, do you have any?” I asked, coughing.

“Yeah, yeah hold on,” he replied before disappearing into the washroom, he came out a moment later with the water and handed it over. I drank it all, dribbling it down my neck and chest, making me shiver. I passed Lucius the cup when I was done and he took it, setting it aside. He didn’t seem to know what to do; he was standing awkwardly and fidgeting while trying not to look at me.

“Sit down,” I mumbled.

“What?” he replied, sounding confused.

“C’mon, sit with me,” I said again. He hesitated before sitting at the edge of my bed. “What happened?” I asked, my voice sounding weak and scratchy. Lucius’ attitude immediately changed and he started listing off the series of events leading to now, or I suppose it would be then.

“Oh, let’s see. You freaked out in the common room, punched Austin, threw all my stuff on the floor, barricaded the door, locked yourself in the washroom, evidently you broke my razor, you hurt yourself, you stayed in there half the night, came out of the washroom unable to stand on your own, needed my help to...” He rambled off.

“Okay, enough!” I snapped at him.

“I’m sorry, but you wanted to...”

“You’re right, but now I don’t want to know so give it a rest,” I replied, cutting him off. He was silent for a second, letting his eyes wander over me.

“Why’d you do that to yourself?” he asked, but I wasn’t sure if he was referring to me cutting myself now, or about me cutting myself in general.

“I don’t remember...” I started, before shaking my head at myself and carrying on, “Because I want to...none of your fucking business,” I replied not knowing what to say since I felt both angry and vulnerable.

“I don’t like it, it’s ugly. Put some clothes on,” he said, glancing over at me. I averted my eyes, not wanting to look at him. For some reason, although I won’t ever admit it, what he said had hurt me. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard those words, but somehow it mattered more now.

I sat up and shoved Lucius off the bed in one fluid motion, pulling a startled scream out of him. His right side slammed into the end table making everything flip over, and the sound of glass breaking soon filled the room. Lucius sat, startled, staring up at me from the floor.

“You’re a fucking asshole!” I shot at him, my voice shaky with emotions. I cursed myself for being so obvious. I climbed under my covers and hid my head, facing away from Lucius. I could hear him behind me, picking himself up off the floor.

“Salem...I...I...” Lucius began, sounding upset.

“Don’t fucking talk to me,” I demanded.

“I’m sorry, really. I didn’t...”

“Fuck off,” I replied, my tone icy. He stopped talking. He must have been thinking because he didn’t move for at least a minute. Then I heard him move closer, and felt him sit on the bed next to me. After a long pause he started talking.

“I don’t think its ugly, Salem. I think it’s interesting and I didn’t want to stare, that’s why I told you to put some clothes on,” he said quietly, and waited for me to say something. I stayed quiet thinking he was full of shit, and not liking how he was handling “it”. When I didn’t respond he reluctantly began talking again, “I uh, didn’t mean to make you upset. I’ve been in here so long…and I’m happy that I finally have a roommate, and I want us to be friends...” he trailed off.

He stopped talking for a long time. I didn’t know if he was waiting for me to say something or not, but I found the whole situation pretty weird and stayed quiet. Eventually he started talking again, only now he sounded different. He wasn’t apologizing anymore, now he was just talking to me. “It was hard when I first came here too, but I’ve never gotten a letter from anybody. Hardly anyone does and when they do they’re usually happy about it. Everyone’s been talking about what happened and asking Nurse Jackie and Austin what happened to you.”

“She wasn’t happy, you know. I mean Jackie. She thinks you’re a bad influence or something. I don’t know why. Well, I do think you cuss too much but...Salem are you even listening?” he asked.

I rolled over and looked at him, pulling the blanket from over my head. He seemed surprised, but said nothing and just stared at me. “I am listening,” I replied, unable to come up with a scathing remark that matched how I was feeling.

“Well, what do you think?”

“About what?” I asked, looking him over.

“About, you know, what I said. I’m sorry and, I don’t know, I want to be friends,” he said, looking away from me and seeming shy suddenly.

“You totally fucking insulted me and now you want to be friends?” I asked.

“I didn’t mean to insult you. It’s unique, really,” he insisted.

“What is unique?” I asked.

“You know...” he said.

“I want you to say it.”

“Your, uh, marks...” he said, not looking at me.

“That’s not good enough,” I responded, not understanding why it was so hard for him to say.

“The scars you made,” he said, quietly, not looking at me.

“See, wasn’t so hard to say,” I said tiredly.

“Why do you do it?” he asked after a short while.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Especially not to you; I barely know you and people never understand,” I stated. Lucius sighed and stood up.

“You don’t make any sense. You force me to say...and you won’t even tell me...you know, I didn’t have to help you,” he says shaking his head as if to clear his mind.

“No, but you did and I’m glad you did,” I reply, not quite wanting to say ‘thank-you’. He was still staring at me and I shifted uncomfortably. “I uh...there isn’t any reason Lucius. I just like doing it. I like how it feels, its familiar and its something that only I can control, do you understand?” I asked, only giving him a semi-factual explanation because I felt guilty for everything that had happened.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“I’m going to sleep,” I stated, staring at him expectantly. Finally he moved away from my bed and went over to his own. I turned back towards the wall and tried to ignore him while trying to forget our conversation.

“Good-night Salem,” he said softly. I mumbled a ‘g’night’ and drifted off to sleep, into dreams.

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The next day I woke, feeling un-rested and weak. My head pounded viciously and my stomach was cramping from lack of food. When I turned over and opened my eyes I was assaulted with a bright gleam of sunlight and quickly closed my eyes again. After a minute I slowly opened them and realized the brightness hadn’t been the sun, but rather the sun through the tiny window reflecting off of Lucius’ white-blond hair.

“How do you feel?” was the first thing he asked me.

“How do you think?” I replied bitterly.

“Well, you look awful.”

“Thanks,” I replied sarcastically. I looked him over and realized he looked pretty shitty himself. His eyes were puffy and dark circles lined beneath his eyes, making him look like he hadn’t slept at all. “You look like shit, yourself. Didn’t sleep much?” I asked, rhetorically.

“No...I couldn’t stop thinking, and you were having nightmares, it sounded like someone was attacking you,” he replied, wringing his shirt in his hands and not looking at me. I could see various notebooks and writing utensils littering his bed.

“I don’t remember,” I replied about the dreams, which I did remember but I definitely didn’t want to get into that. I sat up and swung my legs over the bed, I was still barely dressed and Lucius immediately turned his gaze to the floor. I looked over my arm which was crusted with blood and removed my makeshift towel bandage. The cut looked bad, but I knew it wasn’t and the other cuts would look like cat scratches once I washed away the blood. Either way, Lucius moved towards me his eyes never meeting mine.

“That looks bad, maybe you should go to the nurse,” he said, slowly reaching towards me. I jerked my arm away and glared.

“It’s nothing; I don’t need a god damn...” I was saying, before I noticed his arm and the bruised and swollen way it looked. “What happened to you?” I asked, pointing vaguely, voice softening. A strange look came over Lucius’ face before responding.

“You did it, last night,” he explained, seeming reluctant to tell me for some reason. He glanced at the table which was still flipped over and at the shattered glass on the floor that had yet to be cleaned. I only stared at him a moment, observing his honey skin and sky blue eyes that refused to look at me.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I replied simply, actually feeling sorry for harming him. Although I felt like an asshole more than anything for pushing him away when all he was really trying to do was help me. What am I saying...he fucking insulted me!

“I saved my breakfast for you, since I don’t think you’re getting any. Well, they didn’t bring anything for you,” he said, changing the subject. I mumbled a thank-you as he handed me the plate. He sat down beside me as I began to eat and I glanced sideways at him catching him looking at me. I ignored him and ate the food, except the bacon. I even ate the eggs and said farewell to being a devote vegan. I set the plate aside and stood, turning to Lucius. He was still staring and he blushed when I caught him.

“Don’t worry, I don’t care if you stare,” I reassured him, considering I’d been staring at him enough. He didn’t say anything so I grabbed some clothes and slipped into the washroom, getting dressed, washing the blood from my arm and brushing my teeth. By the time I came out I was starting to feel weird and tingly but I figured I was just over-tired from the night before.

“Hey, is there any way I could get a few cigarettes in here?” I asked him, hopefully.

“Probably only from Austin, but I don’t think he’d give you anything after what happened,” he replied. “You have to go see Jackie, she said.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied, wondering why Lucius was looking at me like that, small smirk on his face….in fact, he looked rather cocky, which is something I never thought I’d see from him. I left the room without saying anything else, feeling totally freaked out. Then I realized that being outside the room was just as bad.

Everyone who was in the hall stopped and stared at me; people in their rooms came to their doors to watch me walk by. I became paranoid suddenly, a feeling I rarely got, and tried to ignore the people as I walked by. Suddenly Mona Lisa was by my side, glaring at the other patients.

“So...interesting day yesterday,” she commented off-hand.

“If you think yesterday constitutes being interesting,” I reply dryly.

“Are you going to see Jackie?” she asked, and I nodded vaguely, the motion making me nauseous. I stopped walking and turned to the dark haired girl.

“What’s with you?” she asked.

“I don’t know...look, I need a cigarette or a joint or something, I’m totally stressed, I mean...”

“My room mate has some smokes, why don’t you go talk to Jackie and come back here when you’re done?” she asked, gesturing towards the door behind me which I assumed was her room.

“Okay, sounds good,” I replied, beginning to walk away.

“No ‘thank you’ or anything?” she called after me, sounding annoyed.

“I appreciate it,” I replied, not bothering to turn around and look at her.

I knew Austin would be around, probably sitting against the wall to the left of the end of the hallway. For this reason alone, I sped up my pace and ignored that side of the room as I walked by, making a bee line to Jackie’s office. I knocked briefly before opening the door and stepping inside her cramped office. She looked at me surprised, in the process of getting out of her chair. She sat back down and gestured for me to take the seat across from her, which I did. We sat staring at one another for a moment, neither saying anything.

“Well, what happened?” she finally asked.

“What do you mean?” I replied, glancing around. I still felt paranoid and nauseous but by now I knew why I felt that way, and why Lucius was acting the way that he was.

“I mean about yesterday, don’t act like nothing happened,” she said casually.

“I’m uh...sorry,” I replied, trembling slightly.

“I know that this must be hard for you Salem, I’ve read your file and I know you haven’t had the easiest go of it,” she said in a soothing way.

“That file is full of half-truths,” I replied.

“That may be true but either way none of that excuses how you acted yesterday,” she said taking on a disciplinary tone of voice.

“I know; I just got some bad news I guess.”

“That’s beside the point. This place is home to these kids, you can’t just come in and trash the place or be disrespectful to the people that work here,” she scolded, giving me a hard unsympathetic look.

“Austin?” I asked. I knew I’d hit him, but I didn’t really remember doing it.

“And Scarlet,” Jackie replied, narrowing her eyes at me. “She said you harassed her and were asking her inappropriate questions.”

“I didn’t mean to make her feel that way,” I replied. My mind was swimming with thoughts but I couldn’t seem to hold onto any of them as the floated by.

“You don’t understand how serious this is. A normal patient would be sedated and restrained for pulling a stunt like that,” she said seriously.

“Why not me?” I challenged.

“Well...I...I’m not sure. Despite what horrors your file might tell us and the way that you’ve been behaving, Don seems to think that you’re not mentally ill.” I stared at her for a long minute, neither of us looking away from one another. I could tell by the look on her face that she hadn’t meant to say that.

“Then why the fuck am I here?” I asked. She simply looked at me and shook her head.

“You can go now, Salem,” she said quietly, looking back to the papers on her desk. I got up and left without another word, slipping back into the common room. It seemed my presence was enough to make everyone turn and watch me, abandoning what they’d been doing before. I watched them watching me as I slowly made my way towards the hallway leading to the rooms, and hopefully for me, a cigarette.

Austin was situated at the end of the hall, where he’d been yesterday, and was pretending to ignore me. I was going to just walk by when I figured I could at least try to make peace with him if I really was stuck here. I stopped in front of him and waited for him to look up at me. When he did I noticed the side of his face was slightly discolored but his eyes held no emotion.

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” I said lamely. He simply quirked an eyebrow at me, expression unreadable, and said nothing.

“Look, it meant nothing. I don’t even know you...I don’t have a personal vendetta or anything, and I’m not going to apologize because...” I stopped rambling when he held up a hand.

“That’s enough. I accept your apology, no hard feelings,” he said rather cheerfully.

“I didn’t apologize,” I replied snottily.

“Whatever you say,” he responded, still smiling. I cocked my hip and held out a hand.

“Give me some cigarettes,” I demanded. His smile faltered slightly.

“What are you going to give me? Nothing is free here,” he replied.

I gave him a blank look for a moment before dropping to my knees in front of him. He immediately stood up and backed away from me, like I had expected. I stood up laughing, taking in his shocked expression as he glanced over the room, wondering if anyone saw. I decided it was probably best to just walk away and forget about the cigarettes for now, and so I did.

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