To Love's End

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“I… Um…” I stuttered. I was definitely missing something here.

“Did you not tell her, Chris?” His father asked curiously. I’d only just noticed now but his father was in full police regalia. He’d joined the force shortly after high school and had been a police officer long before my birth. It must have been to him Chris was referring earlier. I suppose they’d asked him to come to intimidate Scott. But that meant that…

“There was hardly a time to.” I looked tiredly at Chris and wondered what he had been keeping from me.

“Well, no need to act like that, Julie. I’m already of aware of this little situation.” He said, referring to my having darted away from Chris. I bit my lip nervously and eased myself. “Let’s get out of here.”

The car rumbled to life and we were off. I wasn’t sure where he was taking us… or a whole lot else to be honest. I felt very overwhelmed and I just wanted to rest.

His father caught my eye in the rearview mirror and said, “I know that you’ve been through a lot tonight, but we’ll need to talk.” I didn’t say anything but just nodded. We’d been driving for only two minutes or so before coming to a stop outside of a large building I recognized to be the police station. But… Why were we here? Wouldn’t his father have worked closer to home?

“I’ve got to go hand over my stuff, I’ll be a minute.” His father said before leaving the car.

“They split up.” Chris said simply.

“But… why?”

“Last week… They had a fight. About us. My dad never really had a problem with us. I mean… it was bound to happen. They’d been fighting about everything for a long time. But this really set her off. She’d told him what had happened and he had said to leave us alone. I overheard them. He said that he didn’t care because he could tell we love each other… He’d been planning to leave for a while.”

I let this sink in… He’d never told me this.

“Chris, why didn’t you…?” I wondered aloud. He shouldn’t have had to carry this burden alone. I was always here for him. He shook his head.

“I didn’t want you to feel anything about it. It wasn’t your fault in any way but I knew you’d feel guilty if I told you.” He explained. And he was right… I would have blamed myself for contributing to the breakup of his parents. “He’d already switched divisions and found a new place. It was a matter of time… Julie, don’t give me that look. Do you really think telling you about this would have made you feel better with all that’s happened?”

I remained silent and contemplated it. Even before Scott had been involved I’d been having other emotional issues about our relationship. Of course they’d been remedied by a talk with Chris but the burden of knowing our relationship had been the cause of his parent’s break up would have been too much.

When Chris’ father returned he lacked his standard police belt. He didn’t get in the car but opened my door and said, “Julie, you’re going to have to come into the station for a bit. We need to talk.”

“Dad, no. She’s already been through enough.” I didn’t say anything but kept my eyes fixed on the seat. I’d already expected this.

“Chris…” Mimi said. “She has to.” I nodded weakly, trying to look anywhere but Chris’ distressed face.

“Then I’m coming with you.” He declared.

“No…” I protested. I couldn’t bear to let him hear what had happened. “It’s ok.” It took me a moment but with a sigh I climbed out of the car, stemming the urge to look back.

The room we went into felt so cold. The cement walls were devoid of any pictures or notices. Two chairs and a table were all that were present and it seemed like a lifeless and unwelcoming place. The last place I wanted to be at this moment.

I sat down in the chair and briefly glanced at Chris’ father who was seated across from me, shuffling through some papers. This was the man I’d grown up with as a second father figure and respected. How could I even begin to tell him the details of how I’d been raped? And of course all because I was being blackmailed into submission in return for the secret of my relationship with my cousin, his son?

I just didn’t think I could do it.

“I know that you have been through quite a lot tonight and believe me, this is the last place I’d have you right now if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. And I know that this is going to be uncomfortable for you but it needs to be done and so if there is anything that will make you more comfortable, please let me know now.”

I shook my head, keeping my gaze on my hands. Let’s just get this over with…

“Well, before we start I should probably explain to you what the situation exactly is. I got a call from Chris this afternoon… I mean, I’d always had a feeling. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I’m not against your relationship. It was something that we’d all seen since you were children except your aunt wanted to put an end to it whereas I wanted to let it be.” The silence was awkward, but his words were comforting. “I was a teenager once too, and I know how we can get carried away with things.” Again he paused, his face hardening with an expression that brought discomfort to me. “We’ll have to do this, standard procedure. Can you state your name for the record?”

“Julie Nichols.”

“And your age?”

“Fifteen.”

“Do you have any physical injuries to the external of your body?”

I looked down at my hands, turning them over. I slid my sleeves up and was shocked to see black and blue bruises around my wrists. My mind turned back to what had happened and I remembered Scott grabbing me around the waist. I stood slowly and pulled up my top to find hand-shaped bruises at my waist.

I didn’t look at his father but sat back down silently while he scribbled onto his clipboard.

“And your knees?” He asked. I shook my head.

“I fell.”

He didn’t press me further but continued to write on his clipboard.

“Please describe what happened tonight involving Scott Feldman.”

I bit my lip and clenched my fists. There was no way… absolutely no way I was going to be able to sit here and do this. I couldn’t… I just couldn’t. But I had to.

“I went with him to his house around five… We went to his bedroom.” I paused. My wording wasn’t entirely correct. I hadn’t gone willingly. Well, I mean physically I had but it was only because he was blackmailing me with threats of revealing my secret. Chris’ father seemed to pick up on my apprehension and questioned me.

“So you went, willingly, with him?”

I shook my head.

“He threatened me…”

“With physical violence?” He asked.

Again, I shook my head. How to word my next sentence?

“He… He found out about something and said that he would tell everyone if I didn’t…” I couldn’t finish it. It’s end was obvious and I’m glad I wasn’t pressed into finishing it.

“What was this that he was threatening you with?”

Was I really going to have to say it to him? He already knew… It had always been my greatest fear that he or one of our other parents would discover the true nature of our relationship and regardless of the fact that things had obviously changed with him I still found it difficult to admit it all to him. It felt strange and wrong.

“He found out about me and Chris.” The statement was simple enough. Couldn’t he fill in the blanks for himself and his stupid report? Evidently he could because he dropped this line of questioning and moved on. I felt temporary relief but it soon dissipated when I heard his next question.

“What happened in Scott’s room?”

I looked down at my hands. Everything had gone wrong, that’s what had happened. That wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear. The words were in my mouth, trying to get out but my embarrassment and shame was keeping them locked inside.

“Julie, what happened in his room?”

“He kissed me… and took off my shirt. Then he tried to take my pants off and I tried to push him off me but he was too strong.” The words suddenly came streaming out of me. “He grabbed me and pinned my arms above my head. Then he tore my clothes off and… and…” I shook my head. That was all I could say tonight.

I began to cry again, holding my face in my hands and wondering what I’d ever done to deserve this. Suddenly I felt arms around me and I realized that Chris’ father was hugging me. I guess he’d realized that I’d said all I could.

“It’s ok… Julie it’s ok.” He told me. “I’m going to make sure that Scott can’t harm you anymore.” He pulled away and reached for some Kleenex which he handed to me. I took them and wiped the tears from my face. A few more fell to the floor and I looked up at him. “That’s enough for tonight. I can fill in the rest. There are two people who are still very worried about you.”

We stood up and he led me out of the building, his arm around my shoulders. I sniffled as we rounded the corner where Chris was leaning against the car as Mimi sat on a curb. They both looked up as we walked over. I kept my gaze to the ground; I didn’t want them to see I’d been crying.

“I’ve got to go back inside and finish some things. Julie you are free to stay at my place tonight if you want to.” He told me, letting me go. “I’ll be ready in about ten minutes.”

Chris walked forward and put his hand on my arm.

“Are you-”

“Please… I just want to rest. I can’t think about it right now.” I interrupted, taking a step towards the car. But dizziness overwhelmed me and I swayed on my feet. My vision blurred and I fell backwards, into Chris’ arms.

“Whoa, whoa… Julie.” Mimi hurried over and grabbed one of my hands. “Can you hear me?”

I blinked a couple of times to clear my vision but my head was still spinning. I leant against Chris, trying to steady myself.

“I need… to sit down.” I mumbled, looking at her through half closed eyes.

“Ok, lean on me…” He put his arm underneath mine and around my back. I concentrated on moving one foot in front of the other until we reached the car a few feet away. He leaned and let me down on the seat, sitting beside me. My head rolled back and I exhaled loudly.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Mimi asked worriedly, reaching in and holding her hand to my forehead. I groaned and shook my head. She rustled in her bag and produced a granola bar which she unwrapped and put in my hand. “Eat this.” Each bite was tiring and I just wanted to lay back and close my eyes.

After I finished the bar I slid sideways and fell into Chris’ lap. I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt his hand stroking my hair and let out a sigh. Then I fell asleep.


When I awoke I was drenched in a cold sweat and felt terror filling my body. The dream had felt so real… I could feel his hands on my body as he tore of each piece of clothing and called me a slut. My hands were shaking as I began to panic. I was tucked underneath bed sheets in a dark room that I didn’t recognize. Sitting up quickly, the dizziness returned but I steadied myself and looked around the room. As my eyes adjusted I could make out a figure beside the bed on the floor.

I could hear a faint whimpering coming from somewhere and was devastated when I realized that I was the one making the noise. I awoke crying from that dream… Or rather nightmare. I tried to take deep breaths and calm myself down but nothing was working right now. I heard a rustling from my bed side and a voice asked, “Julie, are you ok?”

“No…” I cried, reaching out for him. My arms slid around him as he moved on the bed and I held tight. “Don’t go… don’t ever leave me.”

“Never…” He whispered. “I’ll always be here.”

“I’m scared… You don’t know, it was horrible. No matter what… he’s not going to leave me alone. I know it.”

“I do know. I carried you in… I saw the bruises on your arms… your stomach. Please… just sleep now. Don’t think about it. You need to rest.” He spoke softly and held me against him. My breath was becoming more normal now and I had calmed down. The terror I’d felt after waking from the nightmare had subsided and I could feel myself drifting off to sleep.


My eyes opened slowly and I glanced around the room, which was bathed in sunlight. I let out a small yawn and sat up. Chris wasn’t in the room anymore. I guessed I was at his father’s condo. I didn’t even remember coming here last night. All I could remember was almost passing out and then it was much of a blur.

I opened the door and silently tread down the hallway to what looked to be a living room. A clock hanging on the wall told me it was almost 10 o’clock. I heard sounds coming from the kitchen and walked towards it to see what it was.

“Oh, Julie dear. Sorry, did the music wake you?” He flicked the radio off and motioned for me to sit at the table. “Sound travels in this small place.”

He offered me something to eat but I told him I was fine. In fact I was feeling a little nauseous. I think it was the stress that was getting to me. All I’d eaten in the last day and a half was the granola bar but my stomach turned at the thought of food.

“You gave us quite a scare last night, probably a combination of nerves and lack of food. How are you doing?” He asked me. Now what kind of question was that? Hmm, let’s see. I was raped last night, forced to relive through questions and now I could be pregnant. Did he actually expect me to answer it? I felt almost enraged at the question but knew he was only trying to be nice.

I merely shrugged and looked away.

“You know, you weren’t the first.” He said quietly but quickly added, “I shouldn’t have told you that.”

I looked up at him with a shocked look.

“What? You mean… he’s done this before?!” I could feel the anger rising. Why hadn’t anything happened to him? Why hadn’t he been stopped? Then none of this would have happened to me.

“A girl came forward a couple of months ago… But soon after she told us she’d made it all up and refused to assist us in our case so it was dropped. Without her we had no victim and no case.” He explained. “I only discovered it when I went to file the report last night. His name was already in our system.”

I held my head with my hands and let out an upset sigh. If only I’d known… If only he’d been caught the last time. If only… It would do no good to think like that now. The past was the past and I couldn’t change it.

“Oh… I have something for you.” He stood up and walked to the hallway where he grabbed a small package out of his bag. “Please don’t be upset with her, but Mimi spoke to me about what you said to her and there are things we can do to prevent-”

“No… don’t say it.” My head was on the table and I was covering my ears. Saying it out loud made it realer than I could handle right now.

He sat back down and slid the little package across the table to me.

“There are two pills in there. It’s usually only available to the guardians of an underage girl but I was able to get them through the division. It’s up to you whether you use it or not but if you do… the sooner the better. There are instructions inside.”

I knew what it was… We’d learned about the various contraceptive methods in school and this one was the morning after pill – ‘for use in emergency situations only.’ I just never saw myself ever having a need for it. But… maybe this was the right thing to do. It would ease my mind knowing that it was highly unlikely I could be pregnant. I took the brown package and looked at it.

“Um… Thank you.” I said quietly.

“The bathroom is down the hall, if you want to take a shower.”

I took this as an excuse to leave and walked back into the room where I’d slept. I threw the package onto the bedside table and slid beneath the covers of the bed. I pulled the sheet over my head and closed my eyes. Maybe if I pretended long enough that it didn’t happen I could convince even myself. Then I wouldn’t have to feel as though my heart were going to burst.

Every time I thought of what happened I shook with anger. A nauseous feeling enveloped my body and I wished for nothing more than to hurt the person that had done this to me. I wanted to see him suffer by my hands as I had by his. But I knew this would never happen because I was not strong enough.

I stuck my head out from under the covers and looked at the package on the wooden stand beside the bed. I sat up and grabbed it, tearing it open. There was a box inside which I opened and found two pills and a folded sheet. I opened the paper and read. It was pretty standard, nothing that I didn’t already know.

Scott had no right to do what he did to me and I shouldn’t have to face the consequences, whatever they might be. Without thinking about it any further I quickly swallowed one of the pills.

It was only moments after that Chris entered the room. I threw the blanket over my lap, hiding the torn paper package. I felt incredibly guilty for some reason… As if he’d caught me doing something I shouldn’t have been. I guess I didn’t want him to see what I had to do now… because of Scott.

I didn’t look at him but kept my eyes on the bed.

“You’re up.” He stated. I nodded. “Have you eaten anything?”

I shook my head and he sighed.

“You nearly fainted last night and you still haven’t eaten. Here,” He said, reaching down beside the bed where his bag lay. “I brought you something. Eat it, please.” He handed me a bag with a sandwich inside. There was a little deli near my home that made the best ham sandwiches and this was what he had brought me. I felt my stomach growl with hunger at the sight of it and looked up at him with a smile. It was my absolute favorite treat.

“Thanks.” I said simply. “But you didn’t have to go all the way there just to get it for me.”

He just shrugged and sat down on the edge of the bed. I began to eat the sandwich and he just stared out the window in silence.

“You’re so quiet.” I said, “I’m ok…” I tried to reassure him. I didn’t like seeing him like this, it only upset me more.

He didn’t say anything but just shook his head.

“I know you aren’t. I’ve told you before that you’re a bad liar and I can see it in your eyes that you aren’t ok. You don’t have to pretend. I’d rather you take your anger out on me… It’s my fault anyway.” He looked down and rubbed his forehead.

“Chris you know it isn’t true…”

“Yes it is. I should have known better… And I should have been there for you.”

“You were there for me… And you are now. That’s what matters, ok? I know I’m not ok… But I can’t keep thinking about it and you sitting here looking like at me like I’m a ticking bomb isn’t going to help. You have to be strong cause I can’t right now.”

He nodded thoughtfully and said, “I’m sorry. I just want you to be ok.” After a few moments of silence he added, “Oh… Mimi called your mom last night and told her you were staying over with her. You can go home whenever you want, my dad will drive you.”

“I… When do you have to leave?”

“Tomorrow. My mom’s coming to pick me up and I think she’s dropping by at your house before.” He told me. I got a queasy feeling in my stomach and put the sandwich down.

“I want to stay.”

“I thought you’d say that. It’s fine. Mimi gave me a bag of stuff for you if you were staying over. It’s in on the table over there.” He pointed to the corner of the room and stood up. “I’m going to grab something to eat.”

I nodded and told him I wanted to get changed. He left me alone in the room and I finished the sandwich before seeing what Mimi had lent me. I hid the remaining pill in the bottom of the bag and took out the clothes she’d given me. I avoided the mirror in the bathroom, unable to look at myself. As I was changing shirts, I inspected myself to see the extent of my injuries. There bruises around both my wrists and hand shaped ones around the smallest part of my waist. They were darker and more colorful than they’d been last night. I wondered momentarily if Chris had seen any of them. Someone had to have carried me in and taken that jacket off me. I shook the thought from my mind and pulled on the bulky sweater she’d lent me. There was no need for him to see them again.

I splashed some water on my face and felt a bit better. I made my way to the living room and found Chris on the couch watching television. I sat down beside him and he put his arm around me, which made me flinch from the pain of the bruise on my side. I tried to hide it but he’d noticed.

“Do they hurt a lot?” He asked with concern. There was no point in pretending, he’d already seen them.

“Just a little… When I move the wrong way.” I told him honestly. He let out a sigh but didn’t press further. We sat in silence for a bit until my conscience had nagged enough at me. “Is it really ok if I stay here tonight?” I felt a lot of uncertainty at staying here another night. “I shouldn’t be here as it is...”

“It’s fine. You have every right to be here; don’t worry about it, ok?” He said, looking down at me. “Did you finish the sandwich?” I nodded and he moved to get up. “You really ought to have some water, or tea or something.”

“It’s ok… I’m fine, really.” I tried to assure him.

“Way ahead of you, Chris.” Said his father, as he came in the room carrying two steaming cups of tea. He handed one to me with the instruction, “Drink up. It’s lemon tea.” He gave the other cup to Chris and sat down in the armchair to the right of us.

No one spoke for quite a while. I just absently gazed at whatever was on the television, my mind elsewhere. My thoughts drifted to the other girl who Scott had hurt. I wondered what she was like. What had she done that had provoked him? Was she as lucky as I was having such a support group or was she all alone? Was it possible that I knew her?

“We need to talk about arrangements.” His father said suddenly. I had been so absorbed in my thoughts that I was startled. I looked over at him with an unsure look. “I can’t have you two philandering around here every weekend, you know.” We stared blankly at him but he just shook his head and muttered, “I was trying to be funny… Ok so maybe not the right time.” I giggled anyway at him; he was such a dork. “You know how I feel about your relationship but I can’t out rightly go against your mothers’ wishes. This weekend is big exception… I mean, I want my home to be open to you two should you need a place to come but…”

“I get it Dad. If it were this easy... It’d be too easy.” Chris let out a big sigh but we both understood. I would never have felt right burdening his father in this way anyway. I nodded my head in agreement.

“That being said, if you do need a place don’t hesitate to call me. I know that things can get very stressful and sometimes you’ll just need a break. Of course, it should go without saying-and god I should not be telling you two this- but do not tell your mothers. I would never hear the end of it and it’d be all the worse for the both of you anyway.” He seemed a little uneasy having added the last bit but in his eyes, it was a necessary evil. “And of course, Julie, you’re free to stay here tonight again.”

“Thank you.” I said softly.

“Now, where would you like to go for dinner tonight?” He asked me with a smile.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that-” I started but he cut me off.

“I want to. What kind of food do you feel like?”

“Anything is fine. I’m not picky.”

He sighed and said, “Fine, Mcdonalds it is!” I shook my and wrinkled my nose. “Just kidding, how does French sound?”

“That’s sounds great.”

“That’s settled then!” He stood up and continued, “I’ve got to go out for a while. I’ll be back to pick you up for dinner. Be ready around 5.”

After that, we just hung around the house for a while, watching TV. I drifted in and out of sleep with Chris’ arms around me. Around noon I decided that I wanted to get out of the house for a little while.

“Um… Chris?” I asked, nudging him gently. “I’m going to go over to Mimi’s, ok?”

“Let me come with you.” He said, moving to stand up.
“You don’t have to…”

“I don’t mind… I’d like to get out for a bit. And you don’t even know where we are. You were asleep when we got here.” He reminded me with a smile. I sighed, giving in. To be honest, I was glad that he’d insisted on coming because every moment I spent with him was all I had right now. I just didn’t want him to feel as though he needed to be overprotective now. I know what had happened had effected me but I didn’t want it to change our relationship. That would only be a victory that Scott didn’t deserve.

I got my jacket and we left. It turned out that we were only about half a mile from where I lived and Mimi lived a few streets from me. The air was cool and refreshing and I was glad to be out with Chris. The sun shone down on us, no clouds obstructing its rays today. Chris’ hand held mine as we walked.

“Chris… Can I ask you a question?” I said, tentatively. I knew that he would deny what I was about to ask him but it was his reaction that I was curious of.

“Of course, go ahead.”

“Do you look at me differently now… After what’s happened?” I looked up at him for a response. He seemed hesitate and look down at the ground. He did… I knew it. I felt disappointment but it was only natural… I was different now.

“No, I don’t. I know I’ve been acting… differently but it’s not that.” He said, seeming to be fighting with himself. “It’s just… I don’t know what I should do anymore. I don’t want you to be hurt anymore than you already are and I’m afraid something I do will hurt you. I feel so responsible.”

I could feel an ache in my heart for him. He shouldn’t feel that way but I didn’t know what to say to him either.

“You didn’t make do anything that I didn’t want to do. And you could never hurt me… unless you left me. I told you before, you being here now is what matters. You don’t need to tiptoe around me. It’s worse than anything… It’s just going to take time but I want things to be the way they were before this happened. I want things to go back to normal.”

It took a moment but I started to laugh. I think Chris thought I’d really lost it but I was just laughing at what I’d said. When he asked me I told him. “Well, I said I want things to go back to normal but I just thought how silly that is. There’s no such thing as normal with us.”

He just smiled at me and said, “You’re crazy.”

As we walked, I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There was a lightness in my heart that hadn’t been there since all this had happened. Laughing had relieved the stress that had built up and things felt like they would be alright… If only just for now.

When we arrived at Mimi’s house her mother let us in. We went up to her room and she nearly knocked me down with a hug.

She let out a big sigh and said, “You’re alright… I was so worried. You just collapsed last night. You’ve eaten, I hope? And Chris gave you my stuff?” I nodded with a grin. She was acting like my mother. “Good, now come sit down. Let’s talk.” She gave Chris a warm smile and we sat down on her bed.

We stayed for about a couple of hours just chatting and discussing what would happen at school on Monday. They both didn’t think Scott would try anything, but I wasn’t so sure. I assured them that even if he did I was burning for some sort of vengeance and wouldn’t let him control me this time.

Chris left for a few minutes to use the washroom and I took the chance to talk to Mimi about something that had been on my mind since this morning.
“This morning… I was talking to Chris’ dad and he told me that Scott had done this to someone before me.”

It took a moment for it to sink in.

“Why was nothing done about it?” She asked quickly.

“The girl withdrew her statement and said it never happened. There was nothing they could do.” I hear movement in the hallway. “Please, don’t tell Chris. I don’t want him to know.” She nodded as the door opened and he walked back into the room.

“Well, we should probably head back. He’s going to pick us up at 5.”

Mimi and I stood up, walking to the door.

“Do you need anything else?”

“No, what you gave me was fine. I’ll give it back to you on Monday.” I told her. She gave me a big hug and said she’d see me at school. She gave Chris a pat on the arm and instructed, “You take good care of her now, ok?” He laughed and told her ‘of course.’

We arrived back at the condo only to have time to change quickly. His father promptly arrived at five and we were off to the restaurant. The meal was very good and I was appreciative that we stayed off the subject of what had happened.

After dinner, we took a more scenic drive home through the calm darkness of the night. I watched the colorful lights of the city pass me by and hoped that whatever the future held for us was good.

That night I fell asleep in the comfortable safety of Chris’ arms. I was surprised that his father had said anything about us sharing a bed. The night before Chris had been in a chair beside me until I’d woken up frightened and it had been an exception-with all that had happened. But he had said anything about tonight and I was glad. There was nothing better to me than being enveloped by the strong arms of the boy I loved.

The next day passed far too quickly. We spent it mostly lounging around, watching TV or talking. It was relaxed and had allowed me to recover somewhat. My aunt was supposed to pick Chris up around 4 o’clock and it was nearing 3:30.

“All right, it’s probably time we get going Julie.” Chris’ father told me. I’d been watching the clock anxiously, wishing for anything but to leave. I knew that it was inevitable and moved to go gather my things.

Chris came into the bedroom with me and sat on the bed.

“I’m going to call you at lunch on Monday, ok?” He asked. I told him it was fine. I threw the clothes that I’d left on the dresser into the small bag and checked the room for anything else. I looked over at Chris seated on the edge of the bed and dropped my bag on the ground. I pushed him against the bed and sat atop him.

“Smile for me.” I told him.

“What?”

“I wont let you up until you smile for me.” I told him with a devious grin.

He gave me a bright smile before reaching his hands up to tickle me. I giggled madly, gasping for breath and rolling off him to the side. He took the moment of weakness to plant a quick kiss on my cheek before dashing out of the room.

I stayed on the bed for a moment to catch my breath and laughed loudly. The foolishness was something I treasured and hoped that, no matter how slowly, it would return to our relationship. When I was back in the living room his father looked at Chris and told me he’d be in the car.

I got my jacket on and turned to face him. His arms slid around me and I reached up around his neck. We kissed slowly and tenderly before he pulled away and whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too… And thank you.” My eyes were shimmering with tears I was trying not to let fall. He released me and I turned to open the door. “Bye Chris.” I gave him a smile and closed the door behind me. On my way down the steps I wiped at my tears. I wasn’t sure why I was crying.

When I got in the car his father said, “I’m going to drop you off at the top of your street, ok? I’d drive you to your house… But, you know.”

“I understand.” I clutched the handles of my bag as we neared my house. I was afraid my Aunt would still be there and after all that had happened, she was the last person I wanted to see.

We arrived and he pulled over to the curb.

“Thank you for letting me stay over.”

“There’s no need to. But promise me- if he tries anything else don’t hesitate to call me. I want to help you and make sure he can’t do this again.” His offer was sincere but I knew I could never accept it. It would only allow Scott the chance to tell our secret.

I opened the car door and stepped out.

“Really, thank you.” I told him again.

“Feel better, Julie. I’ll see you later.” He said with a wave and pulled away. It took me a few minutes to gain the courage to start the walk to my house. I didn’t know how I’d react to seeing my mother and possibly my Aunt. I felt like my mom would be able to see that something had happened and would find out. I was afraid of what could happen.

When I arrived home, to my misfortune, my Aunt’s car was in the driveway. She hadn’t left to pick up Chris yet and I dreaded the thought of seeing her. Without thinking about it anymore I opened the door and went inside. Amy and Ally were sitting on the couch. I guess Amy had come along for the ride. I greeted them with a weak smile and hurried through the room to the upstairs. Unfortunately, I had to go through the kitchen which was where my mother and aunt were both seated.

“Hello Julie.” My mom smiled at me. “How was Mimi’s?”

“Um… It was fun. We watched a few movies and stayed up all night.” I lied to her. “I’m very tired.” I turned to look at my aunt and said, “Hi Aunt Karen.”

“Hello dear.”

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked cautiously. I was curious about what she’d say.

“Just for a short visit. Chris and his father are at a football game.”

Just as I’d expected… Lying through her teeth. I mean, sooner or later she’d have to let the secret out. It would be obvious when suddenly he’s not around anymore. I wonder what they’d told Amy.

“That’s nice… I’m going to go lay down. I’m really tired.” With that, I made my way to my room and locked the door. I let out a sigh of relief and fell onto my bed, yawning. It had been an eventful weekend and I was wiped out. It didn’t take long for me to drift off into sleep.

I awoke very early the next morning and felt incredibly drowsy. It was still slightly dark outside but I got up, knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore. It was around 6:30 so I decided to take a shower and get ready for school. Time passed rather quickly and I could feel the nervousness building within me.

I took my time on the walk to school, trying not to think about what could happen today. I looked around the front of the school as I approached it. I was definitely feeling nervous and was glad when I spotted Mimi. She waved and began walking towards me.

“Morning!” She said cheerfully, putting an arm around my shoulders. “Don’t worry, I saw him already and while he isn’t looking so great I don’t think he’ll try anything. But just in case, this little piece of paper here should do the trick if you still have any worries!” In her hand was a sealed envelope.

“What’s inside?” I asked her curiously.

“Oh, just a collection of legal documents outlining all the possible convictions for rape that is sure to keep his mouth shut. Come on, let’s go inside.” We walked up the steps and into the school. “Don’t let him push you around. He gets off on controlling people but there’s no reason anymore for him to have that power over you.”

As we walked through the hallways I could feel my stomach tightening with the thought of seeing Scott. What would everyone think? Last week we’d been “dating” and he’d made it look like we were very close. Then he comes to school with a black eye (and probably more) and we’re not together anymore? It just seemed a little suspicious and I was afraid of what people might say. Most of all, the thought of seeing him really scared me.

We were nearly past the cafeteria when I heard someone call my name. I tensed.

“Julie!” Came Scott’s commanding voice.

Both Mimi and I turned to face him. He looked terrible, to say the least. His entire right eye was bruised and barely open. There were handprint bruises on his neck and I was sure there were more elsewhere on his body. Still, after what he’d gone through and the threats Chris and his father had made he still had the nerve to try and talk to me. I felt sick but the time had come to face my fear.

“How… dare you.” I whispered, my fists clenched and shaking angrily.

“Perfect timing, asshole!” Mimi said. I was standing slightly behind her. She was only a few inches taller than me but I felt as though I was a frightened child hiding behind my mother.

“Shut up Mimi.” He said to her, looking towards me. I bit my lip but stared back at him angrily. I wouldn’t let him scare me into silence this time.

“That’s a lovely black eye you’ve got there! Take a tumble down the stairs, did you?” She asked sarcastically. A few of Scott’s friends were with him and they looked amused.

“I said shut up, Mimi. Let me talk to my girlfriend!”

A moment of silence ensued.

“What did you just call me?” I asked him, anger rising within me. He reached out and grabbed my wrist, which made me flinch in pain, but I raised my other hand and slapped him across the face. “Don’t touch me! I am not your girlfriend.” I pulled my arm away and looked at him with disgust. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again!” I screamed at him, pushing as hard as I could. He stumbled backwards but quickly regained his balance. I heard his friends give a surprised “ooh.”

I tried to stop the tears from coming but it was a useless attempt. I turned away and covered my face with my hands, trying desperately to make no noise. More people had gathered to watch the scene and the last thing I wanted was more attention. There was no need to make the entire school aware of the fact that I had been raped.

“Here.” Mimi said, shoving the envelope in his hands. “Keep your mouth shut and stay away from her, you son of a bitch.” She turned back to me and put her arm around my shoulders. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked back at Scott. Strength had returned to me and he wouldn’t get away with silence from me again. I walked up close to him and with quiet aggression told him, “I said no... You wouldn’t listen. I told you no, but you just…I wish you would just die!”

“Don’t you talk to me like that. Would you like me to tell everyone?” He shot back. I clenched my fists and stood there, glaring. I had to show him that it didn’t matter, that I would stay strong in my decision. “He won’t be there to save you every time.”

“That might be true, but I’m here right now.” Mimi told him boldly. “Did you even understand anything he said to you?” She was obviously referring to Chris’ father.

“No. I don’t need anyone else to fight my battles for me Scott. I’ve learned my lesson.” I said. “But when you take advantage of someone when they’re helpless its hard to fight back. Now though…” He couldn’t have expected it. Not from fragile, shy, weak little Julie. My first connected with his cheek and he stumbled backwards, falling to the ground this time. It all happened so quickly. I just wanted him to know that he didn’t have control over me anymore and I needed to release the pent up anger.

I took a breath in and Mimi looked at me in surprise. By now a large group had formed around us. Mimi grabbed my arm and was pulling me away from the scene before anything else could happen. But we didn’t get far before Scott, absolutely furious, grabbed my shoulder and pulled me around. Now I was scared… But surely he wouldn’t harm a girl with all these people watching? I cowered as he grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

“Who do you think you are?!” He hissed. Mimi was trying to pull him away from me but he pushed her to the ground. People were shouting but I had no idea what they were saying. I was pushing against him but his grip was strong and it hurt me. I tried to kick him and pull away but nothing was working.

“Scott, what do you think you are you doing? Let her go this instant.” Came the commanding voice of one of our teachers. I felt him release me and I stood there, trembling. The memories of what he had done to me that night were running through my mind and had me paralyzed. I glared over at him, my breathing shallow.

“Get to class, all of you. NOW!” I saw now that it was my math teacher. “Scott you stay right there. Julie, are you alright? What was all this about?”

“…Nothing.” I answered quickly, “He was just angry… because I broke up with him.” I looked down and saw my bruised wrists and quickly pulled my sleeves to cover them.

“It didn’t look like nothing.” He said to me, a worried look on his face. He turned to Scott and shouted, “Get to the office right now!”

“She attacked me! She punched me, ask anyone.” He shot back.

“Well, all I saw was you viciously grabbing a girl half your size so get down to the office right now and you can sort it out with the principal.” The hall monitor for our school had now arrived and took the task of escorting him to the office.

Mimi was back at my side and asking me if I was ok. I told her that I was fine and that she should go to class. It was obvious my teacher wanted to talk with me and she didn’t need to be delayed.

“Julie, I’ll walk you to class.” He told me, placing a hand on my back and directing me forward. I was still shaking slightly, mainly from the rush of adrenaline.

“Sir… I did hit him.” I’d let it slip out without a thought.

“Really? Well… It’s not really my place to say but good for you. He had it coming.” I looked up at him and he had a bit of a smirk on his face. “Well I’ve just seen the trouble he’s caused since he’s been here and it was only a matter of time. Now, you’re sure you aren’t hurt?”

“No…” Considering my other injuries… This is nothing, I added mentally. “Really, I’m fine.”

“You two were dating?” He asked curiously.

“I… well sort of. I guess he was upset that I broke up with him.” It seemed like the simplest answer without offering any invasive information.

“It’s good to see that you were able to recognize his abusive behavior and get out of that situation. A lot of girls can’t.”

I just nodded. It wasn’t like I’d chosen to ‘go out’ with him. However, I couldn’t tell my teacher that… Too many awkward questions would come of it. We’d arrived at the class door anyway.

“If there are any more problems... Or if you just need someone to talk to, my door is always open.” He smiled at me and held the door open for me.

“Thanks…” I stepped into the classroom and hurried to my seat. Mimi quickly leaned over, asking me if I was alright. I just sighed and nodded.

The entire class consisted of a group project that really ended up giving everyone an opportunity to come and press me with questions. I guess it was rare that a girl attacked a guy and especially because Scott was rather popular.

“Nice one, Julie.” A boy named Alex told me, making a punching motion in the air. “He totally deserved it.”

“Yeah, you showed him!” Kim, a short black-haired girl chimed in.

I smiled and nodded at them, blushing slightly – still wasn’t used to all the attention. In a few days everyone will have forgotten about this anyway, I told myself.

Time came for my English class which was to be in the library today because of a research assignment. Sarah, the girl whom I’d gotten on with in Scott’s group was in that class and she offered to be my partner. I agreed because I felt I’d be more comfortable working with her than someone I didn’t know.

We were just chatting as we looked various things up on the computer. I hadn’t noticed it but while I was typing the sleeves of my shirt had ridden up to my elbows.

“Julie…” Sarah said, her voice holding a sense of awe. “What happened to you?” I was unsure of what she was referring to but quickly realized she meant the bruises around my wrists. I pulled down my shirt sleeves and looked down.

“Nothing,” I answered her. I couldn’t even offer a decent excuse because how could you bruise so evenly on both arms in the same spots? I just went silent but it only gave her time to come up with her own ideas.

“Is this why you broke up with Scott?” She asked, placing her hand on my arm. “Did he do this to you?”

I just bit my lip and stared blankly at the computer screen. What was I supposed to say?

“No…It was… an accident.” I offered weakly. “It doesn’t matter, ok?”

“I… Julie, did he do anything else to you?” She asked quietly. I was shocked. She was putting two and two together far too quickly. I didn’t respond but merely looked at her blankly. The bell signaling the end of class and start of lunch rang. I turned away from her to pack my bags and escape this uncomfortable conversation but her hand touched my forearm.

“He did… Oh god, he did. I can see it in your face.” She whispered. “Please, we need to talk.”

I shook my head. No… This wasn’t any of her business. I was dealing just fine with this problem. I mean, I barely knew Sarah and I didn’t want her involved in this situation.

“Please…” There was a need in her voice that I recognized as less of an intrusive need and more of a personal one. I could hear a voice within me telling me that I need to do this and despite heavy reluctance, I agreed. She grabbed her bag and led me to her a deserted hallway where we sat down.

“He did that to you, didn’t he?” She asked me, much unease in her voice.

“How did you know?” It was probably a stupid question but it came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

She seemed very troubled in answering the question. She was rubbing her hands together and her face was tense.

“I… I should have done something. It’s all my fault. If only I’d… If I’d just…”

“Sarah what are you talking about?”

“Four months ago… He raped me.” She looked down at her hands, closing her eyes tightly. “I was at a party… My friends had wanted me to go. Everyone was drunk… I’d only had one drink. I was just looking for the bathroom upstairs when someone grabbed me and dragged me into a room. It was Scott…” I saw a tear fall from her face to the floor but was unsure of what to do. I sat, merely looking at her.

“He came out of no where… I mean, I never knew him that well. My friends were friends with his but that was all. I tried to fight back but I wasn’t strong enough. I screamed but no one heard me. It all happened so quickly. He told me afterwards that no one would care because I was drunk… No one would believe me. He said things would just be easier if we went out. He told me that people would think I was a slut for doing that with him if we weren’t together. I believed him… He convinced me that I’d made him do it. I was so stupid… I just couldn’t see past it. I was naïve and I couldn’t bear the thought of someone finding out. He made me feel worthless.” She rubbed her eyes and ran a hand through her hair. “I told Hannah and she dragged me to the police station to file a report, but I went back without her later and said I’d made it up. I couldn’t let everyone find out about it…Eventually he moved on to someone else and I thought it was over… I thought that was it and I’d be able to move on. But…”

She was silent, as if she couldn’t stand to go on. I didn’t even know what to say or do. How could I comfort her when I couldn’t even comfort myself? I watched as she got onto her knees and pulled off the hoodie that she’d been wearing. She pulled up the shirt underneath and my heart sank.

“Sarah… It was you?” I whispered. I saw myself in her and it made me absolutely sick. She’d hid it quite well, I’d never even suspected… With one hand on her distended stomach, she began to cry. I wanted to say something… to comfort her but I couldn’t.

“I’m barely sixteen fucking years old. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I made one mistake… I went to that party. But I didn’t deserve this. And now because of me he got to you and who knows else and it’s all my fault.”

I’d really thought that if I ever met the girl who had withdrawn her story from the police I would hate her. But… seeing Sarah so vulnerable before me and seeing all aspects of myself in her I just couldn’t muster the will to hate her. She had far too many things going wrong for her that I couldn’t bare to add myself to the pile. She needed my support and even if I didn’t know it then I needed her support too. We had more in common then we’d ever imagined.

“Sarah… It’s not. Scott blackmailed me… He found out something about me and was using it to force me.”

“But if I’d just said something he never would have had that chance…” She cried. “I’m so sorry Julie…”

I shook my head. She didn’t deserve that burden. How could I blame her for not having the courage to stand up and acknowledge what had happened to her when I couldn’t stand up to Scott? I had no right to judge Sarah because truly we were just like each other. I put my arms around her and we hugged. We were both crying now.

“What are you going to do?” I asked her, wiping the tears from my face.

“I have no idea. My parents… they have no clue.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and sniffled.

“Whatever you decide… I’ll be there, ok?” I put my hand on top of hers and smiled. “Now, please… Let me buy you a coffee or something. We’ll go to that café across the road, ok?”

She let out a sigh and nodded. Her body eased up and I could tell the pressure that had been building up inside was gone. Sometimes all you needed was a kind ear. I didn’t even know where this strength in me was coming from… I still hadn’t recovered from what had happened but I knew that Sarah needed me to be there for her. I was the only one who could understand what she was going through.

We were quiet as we walked through the busy halls. There wasn’t a lot more to be said. We grabbed a window seat and I was reminded of being here with Mimi only a few days earlier. I text messaged Mimi to let her know that I was spending lunch with Sarah so she wouldn’t worry.

“You said he blackmailed you? What could he have had on you? You always seemed so nice and, like, you couldn’t do any wrong.” She said kindly, offering a smile. But she was treading uneasy territory and I was unsure of what to say. However, she’d entrusted to me sensitive knowledge about herself so I just wasn’t sure what to do…

“I… Well, I have been dating someone that I guess I shouldn’t be and he found out.”

“And you let him do that to you because he found out about a boyfriend?”

“My boyfriend,” Wow, did it feel strange to refer to Chris as that. “Well, if my family found out we would both be in so much trouble… But Scott caught us doing something and held that against me. We were being stupid and it was just a big mistake.” I began to blush and looked down at my hands.

“I think I understand. Still, if I were you no secret would have been enough for me to let him control me.”

“Well, it did at first for me. But then when he actually… did it… I didn’t care who he told anymore but it was too late. ”I was just lucky to have Chris-” I stopped myself before I said anything else. It just didn’t feel right to reveal all of this.

“So the lucky boy is Chris?” She winked at me and then returned to seriousness. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I just think that with what’s happened we could really help each other. Blocking out what happened won’t help, believe me, I’ve tried. I’d like to be able to trust you and I’d like it if you could trust me too.”

“It’s just hard for me to open up to people. But I’ll try.” I was about to go on when my phone started ringing. “Sorry… Sarah just give me a minute. I have to take this call.” I looked apologetically at her and walked away.

“Hi.” I answered, walking out the front door of the café.

“Julie… How are you?” I felt myself fill with relief at the sound of his voice.

“I’m fine, the morning has been... well, interesting.”

I heard him sigh and then reply, “What do you mean? Did he try something?”

“Um… sort of. But before you cut me off it wasn’t anything that bad. He just confronted me in the hall before classes but Mimi was with me. He threatened to tell people about us but… I told him that I didn’t care and punched him.” I giggled quietly. “Everyone’s been coming and congratulating me. They all thought he deserved it.”

“You actually hit him?” He asked, surprised. “I didn’t think you had that in you.”

“Well, he grabbed me afterwards but my teacher came… I think he’s being suspended for assaulting me. He didn’t hurt me or anything… But I think everyone wants to see him get in trouble. All of his friends were laughing at him.” I said this with a very proud air about me.

“I’m not sure what to say. But everything else has been ok?”

“Well… Not quite. Scott did this to someone else before me, you know. Your dad told me and I met her today. Her name’s Sarah and she’s in my class. Chris… She’s-” But I couldn’t say it to him. It would only let him know that the same possibility still presented itself to me and he couldn’t know that.

“Julie?”

“She’s fucking pregnant.” The line went silent and I knew he was trying to gather his thoughts.

“And… what about you?” He asked quickly. I tensed up and thought about how to answer it. It was really, really unlikely that I was now but there was still that 1% doubt in my mind.

“I don’t know… It’s too early. But it’s not likely… At all.” I stammered.

“Why didn’t you tell me this?” His voice was accusatory.

“Why didn’t you tell me your parents were separated after fighting about us?” I shot back. “Do you think with the way things were going you could have heard that? If I’d told you, Scott would be dead and you’d be in jail.” I exhaled, letting myself relax a bit and my voice soften. “You don’t have to worry about it; I’ve taken care of everything, alright?”

“Ok…” The defeat in his voice was evident and it made my stomach turn. I hadn’t meant to hurt him. “But please… No more lies and no more half-truths, ok?”

“Ok. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you but I was ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“So… What is this Sarah girl going to do?” He asked tentatively

“I don’t know. Her family has no idea. She’s not a bad person, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I want to help her. She understands me, she knows what it was like and I can help her. And she can help me. What do you think?”

“I think… I think that you need to do whatever feels right.”

“Thank you.” I told him. He’d said what I needed to hear. “I better go, ok? I’m with her now and we were just talking. We can talk more later, ok?”

“Definitely. Give me a call when you get home.” He told me. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

--

I'm not too pleased with this chapter but I really wanted to update. Its been sitting around forever and I don't think I'll be overhauling it anyway.

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, they are SO nice :) and really inspire me to write more. Again, I apologize for the slowness of my updates.

Hope you enjoyed that :3

Reviews are veeeery welcome. I'm always open to advice and suggestions!

In response to nessi's question... There are probably about 8 chapters left, depending on the length of each one and whether I put more into it. I've had everything planned out until this chapter so now I'm debating where to go with the story. I have already written the end but its getting there that I'll be thinking about now. But it won't be over for a while at least :)