Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Warnings: Descriptive light sex. Violence.

Chapter VIII

It was a warm --no surprise there--XWednesday afternoon here in Nevada. I had gotten a call that morning from Slim saying he didn't need me to come in and just take the day off, so I did. I spent my free day relaxing with Savannah when she wasn't absorbed with Ian, shopping, and kissing on Carlos. But after meeting Robert Jr. at that hotel a week ago, I swore to myself that the first day off I get, I was going to that school of his. So I did.

I borrowed Savannah's car and drove the forty-five minute drive to Cornwall High in time for the three o¡¦clock bell that ended school. Dressed in khaki cargo Bermuda shorts, an olive colored t-shirt, and brown leather sandals, I walked inside the school building to wait on Robert. Young teens were scattering all over the place like busy ants, trying to either catch the school bus home or cross the parking lot to get into their cars. As they moved by me, I caught looks from the young boys. *laugh* They were such young players. I got winks, head nods, waved hands, a few "Wuz up?", and a whole lot of "How YOU doin'?" Some had girlfriends on their arms and those girls definitely did not appreciate me being there. Young boys are a mess nowadays.

After a few more minutes of waiting, the crowd of students finally died down and I was able to see Robert. But he wasn't walking alone. Three jocks wearing those high school letter jackets were grouped around him, shoving their books in his arms. "My paper has got to be finished by Friday, ass wipe." One boy said.

"Yeah." The second boy said, shoving his books in Robert's arms. "Mines due tomorrow, so start on mine first."

The third boy chimed in. "And it better be right too when we get them back or we're gonna cut off your thumbs and make keychains out of them."

"Oh there you are, Robert!" I said cheerfully as I walked to where the boys were. "I've been waiting for you." I kissed him on the cheek. Robert looked shocked to see me, to say the least.

"Daaaaaaaaaammmmn." Boy #2 said.

"Who is THIS?" Boy#3 asked Robert, while boy#1 'checked me out'.

I raked a hand through Robert's raven locks, then leaned against him, my arm around his shoulder. "I'm Robert's girlfriend. Who are YOU?"

The boy started to stammer. "Well...I...I'm ah......¨

I waved him off dismissively. "Oh forget it. It doesn't matter anyway, we don't have time, do we love? We have an appointment with my apartment in a few minutes." The little bullies jaws dropped. That's right. Robert had a date, damn it. He doesn't do other people's homework, cause he has a life of his own.

I looked down at the stack of books in my friend's hands. "Well...what are you doing with those?"

Now it was his turn to stammer. "I um.....they.....well....."

"No, no, no, no, no." I grabbed the books from him and placed them in boy#1's hands. "They can handle their own homework, can't you boys?" They nodded. I smiled. "Good. Oh, and one more thing." Grouping the boys together, I placed my arms around two of theirs shoulders so I could speak discreetly. "If I ever hear you three have touched, made fun of, rolled eyes at, or abused my Robert in any kind of way again...I'm personally gonna cut your peckers off and serve them to you on a silver platter, understand me?" Eyes wide, the three little bastards nodded. Satisfied, I removed my arms from around the two boy's shoulders and patted their cheeks....okay, you could call it a smack considering how much force I put into it. They grabbed their faces when I did it too, so that's another hint for ya. *wink* I backed away and looped my arm around Robert's. "Let's go, Robbie honey."

Once we reached outside and started to head towards the car, Robert whispered, "What was that?"

I smiled. "Lets just say, those boys won't bother you anymore." I unlocked the doors. "Get in, I'll take you home."

"What did you tell them?" he asked as he climbed inside the car.

I started the ignition. "Nothing you need to worry that pretty little head of yours over. Now, tell me where I need to go." He shook his head and smiled.

As I drove, I heard Robert murmur, "Thank you."

"For what? Today? It was nothing. I had fun." I shrugged. "I guess maybe cause I understand your situation at school. That probably drove me to do it more than anything."

"Really? You¡¦re were picked on at school too?"

I chuckled. "You have no idea."

"Tell me about it."

"Aaaaaaahhhhh."

"Oh come on. Please?"

I sighed. "Okay. I got picked on probably no sooner I started going to school. I can never remember I time I wasn't terrorized about something. Of course nothing is as bad as once you reach high school. I've been called a fag, fairy, pansy, girly-boy, hotdog lover......anything you can think up, pretty much. I've been beaten up, tripped, tossed in the trash cans, ganged up on.....it would get so bad, sometimes my sister would have to save me. She was popular, everybody loved her, but they took one look at me and wanted to immediately kick my ass. I think my mannerisms and androgynous look scared them, because they couldn't quite figure me out. That and I was taking hormones by then."

"That's terrible. I've had my fair share of beatings and have been called a few names, but I don't think my case has ever been that severe. Make a left up here."

I turned the car and kept driving. "I'm gonna tell you something nobody knows, okay? Not even my parents know about this."

He nodded. "Okay."

"One day at school, four boys, much like the ones you deal with, snatched me between a class change and carried me to the football locker room located way out back of the school, near the football field. They just got pissed and said, 'We wanna know the truth.' I said, 'About what?' 'Are you a boy or a girl?' I told them I was a boy. They didn't believe me. So they pinned me back and pulled my pants down. Once they saw what I had, it satisfied some but not all of them. One guy pulled me further into the locker room; the showers. He forced me to my knees, pulled out a small pocket knife and told me to blow him. I did. But I did it wrong and he didn't like that, so he started to beat me. Luckily it didn't last long, cause one of the janitors walked in and the boys took off before they got caught. Teachers and staff were used to running up on me bruised and bloody, so he wasn't too shocked to find me on the shower floor. He would have if he'd have seen me getting molested."

Robert was silent for a moment, obviously shell-shocked. "I'm sorry."

I smiled, trying to hide the growing tears in my eyes. "Don't be. It happened years ago."

"But it was still wrong. I guess we're both a couple of misfits."

I laughed. "It looks that way."

We finally made it to Robert's house and I pulled into the driveway. "Nice place."

"Thanks." He didn't move to get out. His demeanor suddenly changed. For some reason, Robert couldn't bring himself to look at me.

I turned in my seat. "Robert? Robert, what's the matter?" His face turned down, rotating his thumbs, I watched him bite his lip. When I still didn't get and answer, I used my hand under his chin to lift his face. "What?"

"......You know, I've never had a girlfriend...." he stopped.

"Uh huh."

"Not too many girls like me at school.....like you, Gwen."

"Well, I like you too, Robert."

"No. I mean, I REALLY like you-like you."

"Ooooooh." Uh oh.

"Will you go to the prom with me?" he rambled out quickly.

"Um....Robert, listen, you're a really sweet guy and handsome. You could find a nice girl to go to the prom with. You really want to go to your senior prom with a transsexual?"

"Yes, I do. No one has been a true friend to me like you have been......please?"

His big, doe brown eyes were killing me. He could plead his way out of a murder charge with those orbs. But what if I embarrass him? Someone could find out about me and bam, Robert is as good as dead. I couldn't. "Robert, I can't."

The teen's eyes were downcast as the hope he had behind those beautiful eyes dwindled away. "Okay." He grabbed his bookbag and reached for the door handle, when I suddenly grabbed his shoulder, stopping him.

"Wait. Wait." He turned around. "When is the prom?"

He started to smile. "Next month. The 22nd. Does that mean you'll go with me?"

"Yeah. I'll be your little prom date."

"Cool." He reached for the door again but stopped....again. "Could ask you for one last thing?"

I started to laugh. "Boy, you are pushing it."

"Could.....um....." he ducked his head down. "Could I kiss you?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but I stopped, sighing. Using my hand to lift his face again, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his in a simple kiss. It wasn't much --certainly wasn't anything anywhere near as close to what me and Carlos do--but the look on Robert's face said he could've burst out this car and jumped straight for the stars.

I smacked his leg. "Now get out of here before your parents wonder what in the world you're doing in here."

He smiled. "Thanks, Gwen. Bye."

"Bye." I watched him until he was inside the house. I sighed. "Oh boy. He's got a crush."

***

One Month Later.....

Does that feel good, Jackie?" My regular "Leather Boy" was currently on his knees with boxers on, his wrists tied behind his back, a leather blindfold over his eyes. Since I knew he loved leather, I put my leather skirt on and found a matching leather bodice to go with it. By then, with all the estrogen I'd been taking, my curves were even more prominent. Even my booty got a little more rounder *laughs*. He brought a toy with him this time. One of those leather spank whips. I don't know what you call them. I just go with it. He wanted me to spank him, so, I spanked his ass.

"Oh yes."

I spanked him. He jumped a bit and groaned. "Yes, what?"

"Yes, mistress." I had to smile. It was just too much.

"You are such a good boy, Jack. Very obedient. I'll allow you a treat." I sat at the end of the bed, my legs crossed at the knee, my whip in my lap. "You've got exactly ten minutes to do as you wish. So what do you wish for?"

"I want you, mistress."

I smiled. "WHAT do you want?"

"I wanna feel what's between your legs. I wanna taste you, mistress." The sheer hunger and overbearing lust was unmistakable in Jack's voice. Perspiration glittered his skin, running off his nicely toned body. The growing bulge between his legs was so engorged with passion, it almost looked like it wanted to burst through his boxers. Jack was horny, I'd guess.

Slowly, I got up from my spot on the bed, leaned behind Jack¡¦s back and untied his wrists. Sitting back down on the bed, I smirked, watching as he ran two large hands up my thighs, under my skirt. Reaching the hem of my underwear, the still blindfolded man pulled down my red lace panties, tossing them carelessly behind him. I checked my watch. "Seven minutes." Then he surprised me. In one big swoop, Jack held tight to the base of my erection and took me into his mouth. I gasped then grunted as I ran my hands in his hair.

Jack really surprised me. I thought he was as straight as one man could be--well to a degree considering he comes to see me-- and would have no idea how to give head. I was very mistaken. Jack was AMAZING and if the noises I made weren't enough proof, the fact that I was about to orgasm would have. But I still had a role to keep up with. I checked my watch again. His ten minutes were up. Fighting the urge to just let him keep going, I finally pushed him off me. "Times up." I panted as I grabbed my whip again.

It was four in the morning by the time me and Jack--he was my last john for the night--finally finished our little play. He was so satisfied, he paid me an extra $100 to go with my normal $500. "Oh thank you, Jack." I said to him as we were standing in front of the hotel, next to his car.

He smiled as he tapped my chin. "You deserve it. And goodluck with getting your surgery. It shouldn't be too long now, right?"

"Right. I've got enough saved, now I just need to start saving some extra for me to live off of. But thank you for the best wishes though." I gave him a friendly kiss and hug, wrapping my arms around his neck as he placed his around my middle. When I backed away I asked, "Shouldn't it be about time for you to start looking for Miss Right anyway?"

Jack laughed. "Na. I'm still playing the bachelor card. And I play it too well."

"You're pushing 40. It's time to get out that bachelor mentality. Settle down, have some kids, get the big house with the white picket fence...."

Jack quickly opened his door. "Look at the time, it's time for me to go." I started to laugh. "I'll see you next time, Gwen."

"Bye, Jack."

I watched Jack pull his black car out the parking lot and make it's way to the exit. I grabbed a cab and went home.

The next morning, I wasn't scheduled to go to the diner until twelve, so I got up early, showered, took my meds, dressed down in some baggy blue sweatpants and sweatshirt, and got ready to fix myself some breakfast. Don't think I was making some grand breakfast complete with all the fixin's. It was Captain Crunch.

Hair still slightly wet, I lounged on the couch and flipped through the channels as I ate. Then there was a knock at the door. "Coming!" Setting the bowl down on the coffee table, I jumped up and walked to the door. It was Carlos. "Hi......Carlos." The smile I carried dropped immediately once I saw the expression on his face. It was a hard look. His jaw muscles kept flexing with tension, his beautiful eyes could barely be seen with the anger that boiled in them, his forehead was tense, and his chest was practically heaving. So help me, the uncontrollable anger he had looked like it was directed at me. *Oh shit.* "Carlos?" I said now nervous as hell. My heart started beating so fast, the sounds reached all the way up to my ears and all I could hear was my steadily increasing heartbeat and the sound of my nervous pants.

"You think I wouldn't fucking find out?" he asked in a dangerously low tone.

"Find out what?"

He shoved me back and walked inside my apartment, closing the door behind him. "Don't give me that shit, Gwen......or whatever the hell your name is."

He knew. He knew and he didn't like it. "Oh God." I started to slowly back away from him.

"I saw you last night. Hugging all over that guy at the hotel. You see, I was out all alone cause my girlfriend told me she was too tired to hang out. And what do I see? You. Out. What pissed me off more than that was why you were at a hotel that was known for soliciting sex with trannys." He started to walk towards me. "Are you a boy?"

"Carlos......"

"ARE YOU A BOY!!"

"No!"

"You're lying!"

"I'm not!"

"Then prove it."

"What?"

"Prove to me the reason why I can never touch you, why we never have sex, is because you just aren't ready."

"What are you saying?"

"Take your pants off."

I'm back in high school all over again. "No. If you really care about me, then my word should be enough for you."

"Well it isn't! Take'em off!"

His loud voice shook me. ".......No."

Snapping, Carlos came after me. Knocking us both to the ground, he tried to pull my pants off. "Carlos stop!" I yelled. He didn't listen. Neither did anybody else. Savannah spent the night at Ian's house the night before and had yet to get home. The other couple that stayed on this floor worked early in the morning, so they weren't home to hear my screams either.

He pinned my hands above my head with one hand and stuffed his other hand down the front of my pants. He touched my penis. His expression was a mixture of fear, shock, and anger. He started to shake his head. "I can't be gay."

"You're not gay, Carlos. You're not." I pleaded with him.

"You fucking lied to me!"

"I didn't lie!"

"You've got a fucking dick?!"

That's when he threw his first punch......


Okay, now I know some of you want to kick my ass for making Carlos do what he did. But in all honesty, this is reality. Not everyone who is lesbian, gay, bi, or transgender encounter people who are accepting of who they are. Of course, there are plenty of people that DO, but unfortunately, Carlos was not one of those people. ƒ¼ And really, where's the drama and angst and lure and secrecy in having all her lovers 'admirers'?


Anywho, I know I'm about to get it from a few of you, so let me have it. You can review now.