Turmoil Behind The Mirror

Oliwiaroot : Thanks a lot for beta reading this chapter for me !!! , you're wonderful ...

Tsuki : Thanks for encouraging me to keep on with this tory ...

Kurt : Your reviews are unvaluable to me , it is for readers like you that I keep on writing , thanks !

Nicole : Tnaks a lot for helping me with a few ideas , and for always pushing me to write and get through with Turmoil Behind The Mirror ...

Thanks you all who have read this story !!!

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“Blinded by false innocence
Steal my wings and I die slowly .
Cracked smile , deceivable eyes
I’m burned by the wind and I die slowly …”

- Passenger

When he was younger , a boy , Jon used to think that every single person was a unique symphony . In his eyes , every person was a partiture , a sonnet or a minuet , made up of plethorical cacophony of sounds , played at the sound of their own voices ; each violin wavering to the wind ; each cello , a dieing flame , an agonizing extension of the carrier’s nature .

In his entire life , he had never heard two equal melodies ; though some were alike .

Each one was a different symphony to him , and each instrument out of tune was a desire unfulfilled .

Until one day Jon stopped listening . That day he stopped yearning and gave himself up to resignation and false terms of emancipation . He gave up to the task of listening to his own chords ; he forgot violins and crescendos , harps and laughter , drums and excitement .

And now something dim and uncertain reached through a withering surface to his ears : a symphony acompassed like no other , a rapture of feelings with breathtaking overture spreading through his heart to make it pound against his chest , accomplishing what the purifying rays of light never had : warm his soul .

Jon trembled at the beauty of it ; a sombre note toying with a single violin’s temper tantrums , reaching through the quiet oboe’s lament .

A merciful melody , which spoke of omens .

“Do you believe in deities , Alex ?” Jon whispered with a velvet voice .

Alex broke the embrace to look up at Jon , and was surprised when he found no frown on his face . Jon seemed different now , something had changed inside of him .

“It’s a strange question you ask” Alex replied while treating Jon’s arm with frailty , wrapping it with patience and care .

“I know … I asked the wrong question …”

“Hum …”

“By questioning your belief in such a higher power , I don’t intend to comply about God , for I don’t believe in anything myself , but to know how capable you are of having faith in something … or someone … or anything , for that matter …”

“It’s a very tough one , Jon …”

“You don’t have to give me a quick answer …”

“I’ll think about it then” Alex said while finishing his task and letting go of Jon .

“Take your time …” Jon replied with a smirk .

“I can’t believe you’re actually talking to me …” Alex said , while returning balm and antiseptic to their place , though he could sense his companion’s sarcastic smile .

“Well , you didn’t think I was some kind of freak , did you ?”

“Am I to be honest ?”

The reply made Jon throw a sceptical stare at Alex , who started to laugh out loud .

A laughter that filled the room with honest amusement .

Jon was already tugging himself under the covers , while the other readied himself to leave and get a blanket to sleep on the couch .

“You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to … it’s too late anyway's …”

“No … I’m just gonna go grab a blanket …”

Jon thought about it twice , but convinced himself to do so .

He moved aside gracefully and withdrew the covers on the right side of the bed , not even daring to look back at the staring silhouette , who turned off the light and walked slowly towards the bed , giving Jon time to change his mind , which he didn’t .

He laid down slowly and pulled at the covers , looking at Jon , who stared back without fear now , but curiosity , with every emotion running through his soul displayed on deep blue orbs . Alex felt as if those eyes had life of their own .

Not being able to catch some sleep , he sat on the edge of the bed and gave out a loud sigh , while lighting a cigarette . He offered one to Jon , who accepted it and smoked quietly with one arm behind his head , realizing it was too early to go to bed , though he was tired and worn out .

“Jon” came a voice , almost a whisper .

“Hum ?”

“What did you mean by the stars not speaking to you anymore ?”

Silence .

“Have you ever felt the need to materialize all your needs and yearnings ?” came the reply . “Have you ever felt anything but quivering ignorance and the sudden knowledge that by materializing everything you think you yearn for you’ll be able to stand up to it and stop clinging on to false terms of doubtful freedom ?” , it went on , “ but as soon as you have it between your fingers , everything vanishes ; as soon as you have built up everything you hope for and are ready to smash it apart , just for the fuck of it , your complaints are unheard . The urge that has been pushing you through suddenly falls mute . The guidance that had been given to you fades away , and you can do nothing but wonder if that path wasn’t also a part of the illusion created by your own fantasies …” Jon replied and then gave a deep draught to his cigarette .

Alex turned to look at Jon .

“You’re weird …”

“Am I ?” Jon asked while yawning and scratching his belly .

Alex put out his cigarette and Jon’s too , then stretched himself and laid down slowly , pulling up the covers , drowning in the warmth coming from the lying form beside him . He risked everything by pulling closer , but he did so , and Jon didn’t put him aside , which made Alex smile in disbelief .

Sleep didn’t take long to stake it’s claim on both .

Jon thanked a dreamless night .




The alarm clock behaved as merciless as always , piercing Jon’s ears and creaking through his sleep .

He sat on the bed and turned it off with disdain , then stared at Alex’s sleeping form and shook him by the shoulder .

“Alex … time to go to school …”

No answer .

“Alex !”

“What?”

“Time to go to school !”

Finally , with inhuman effort , Alex opened his eyes to a yawning Jon at his side .

“What if we take the day off ?”

“I can’t keep missing school , man …” Jon replied , staring into nothingness .

“I have class ‘til ten”

“You can stay in bed then … do whatever you want … I have to go …” Jon said while getting out of bed and going through his drawers .

He took out a pair of black cargo pants , a red camouflaged belt and a white short sleeved t-shit with the black long sleeved one to put beneath it .

The phone rang .

“Damn … it’s six in the morning and fucking Monday” Jon cursed between his teeth . The phone kept ringing .

“Ain’t you gonna get it ?”

Jon left the room to go pick up the phone and went back to his bedroom , holding the speaker between his shoulder and cheek while changing his clothes .

Alex picked up only what Jon said .

“ … I’m sorry …”

Pause . He put on his pants .

“ … Do I have to go to the bank ? …” he asked while putting on his belt . Anguish tainted his features for a second .

“ Yeah … I know …” he changed his shirt .

“ … It isn’t necessary …” Jon finished changing his clothes and sat on the edge of the bed while lighting a cigarette .

Alex opened his eyes to look up at Jon sitting with his back to him .

He then caught up a voice at the other end of the line . A male’s voice . A severe voice .

“ … Can’t it wait ? …”

Alex heard the male voice raise its volume at Jon’s question , though he couldn’t understand what it said .

“ … For how long ? …”

Jon put on his tennis shoes .

“ … Hummm … I don’t know …”

The voice calmed down . Jon gave a deep draught to his cigarette .

“ … It’s fine …”

Alex noted Jon’s shaky hands .

“ … School’s alright …”

The voice went on .

“That should do …”

Another few words .

“Yeah … thank you … goodbye …”

Jon hung up the phone and left it on the night table while he gave another deep draught of smoke . Alex stared at him , and Jon felt it . It angered him somehow .

He just sat there , silently smoking his cigarette , until the butt burned his fingers . Tension rose within him . Tension that spoke of silenced words .

Before anything happened , Jon put out the cigarette and stood up to gather his stuff before leaving .

Alex felt like saying something , but he didn’t want to get into Jon’s affairs .

“It was my father …” Jon muttered as if reading the blonde’s intentions .

“He’s sending money , because his business trip is gonna take longer …” Jon muttered disdainfully . Then smiled widely .

“Well , I’m off … I guess there must be something in the fridge if you get hungry or anything …”

And without saying goodbye , Jon left . Alex just heard the front door close behind him , and the place fell into a disturbing silence . He wondered how Jon could cope with the appalling and utterly disturbing silence in his house and fell asleep .



When Jon stepped out into the street , a grey and heavy clouded day greeted him . One of those days that make everything look unreal and hypothetical . The wind was blowing quietly while he walked to school . It made Jon feel comfortably cold .

He looked up to the sky , but the sun was nowhere to be seen .

// Such a beautiful day … //

The cold wind softened his passing anger and made him take a deep breath .

He enjoyed these kind of days , for they were few and made him forget about time and it’s cruelty ; these days made him feel grateful , and it was a welcomed emotion to his heart . Wuthering days woke that strange good mood inside of him . Rain threatening to fall embraced everything and exhaled it’s breath on his surroundings . A merciful breath of deceived reality . Jon smiled to himself and lit a cigarette on the way .

When he got to school he was surprised to realize he wasn’t late , so he walked through the corridors to the classroom . He took his usual seat at the end of the room and took out “Paradise Lost” once more .

He hadn’t been able to read at least a paragraph when a cheerful voice and a tight embrace were all around him .

“Jon!”

“Hey , Nicole”

“How have you been ? , you left the party so suddenly the other day , are you ok ?”

“Yeah , I’ve been … around , thanks …” Jon looked up at Nicole’s flirtatious and charming expression .

“Oh , well , the party definitely wasn’t the same without you around …”

“Sorry …”

“Don’t worry , Jon , you can always take me out for dinner to make it up to me”

Jon smiled and shook his head in disbelief .

“You know I’m not the dinner type …”

Nicole knew it , and laughed out loud .

“Jon? , what happened at the party ?” she asked very seriously now , getting close to Jon , so her words weren’t heard by anyone else but him .

“Nothin’ , I just got very drunk … that’s all”

“Then why was Derek beaten up to unconsciousness in my parent’s bedroom ?”

Jon knew that Nicole was not at all stupid she was very sharp in fact .

“We just caught up a drunkards fight , …”

“Hum …”

The cheerful and silly manners were now gone . As far as Jon knew , Nicole was crossing the line .

“I hate it when you just take me for granted”

“Oh , c’mon … just drop it , ok ? , I’ll take you out for dinner some day if you just leave it be”

Jon was done with the subject .

“Really ?”

Jon was starting to regret what he had just said .

“C’mon , you can’t make me go against my nature , why don’t you just better drop by one of this days ?”

“Yeah , well … I think that’s more than I could ever ask from you , huh ?”

Jon gave her one of his sly and dirty faces and Nicole just laughed even more . That laugh made him remember the Nicole from his childhood . He held on to the memory as long as he could .

“And have you talked to that ex-girlfriend of yours lately ?” Nicole asked with honest interest .

Jon shook his head with careless indifference .

The teacher came into the classroom , which meant another tedious philosophy lesson .

Jon took out his notebook and started taking note of what the teacher was saying . It really caught his attention when the teacher made it to Sartre .

Jon was surprised when he realized he had been able to pay attention to the whole lesson .

He gathered his stuff and went out into the corridor , with fifteen minutes to go to his next class , when Chris ran into him holding a paper in his right hand .

“Hey , Jon !”

“Hey …”

“Look , I got it from the newspaper this morning” the high pitched voice said .

Jon scrutinized the picture until he finally realized it was his own doing portrayed on the paper . He snatched it from Chris’ fingers and studied it .

“So ?” was the only thing that he managed to mutter .

“So !? , c’mon man !”

“What do you think about it ? , what does it make you feel ?”

“It makes me feel kinda sick …”

“Don’t you like what you see ?”

“You’re fucked up , Jon …” Chris said with an honest frown .

“Then why do you show it to me ?”

“Ah , I don’t know , it’s morbid I guess”

“Hum …” Jon muttered almost to himself and started to walk to the classroom he had to go to , while he wondered why his work was misunderstood .

“When are your parents coming back anyway's ?”

“I don’t know …” Jon replied . Not as if he really cared , neither stopping to think about it .

“See you around then , Jon …”

“Yeah …”

While he walked through the corridors , Jon greeted many , though their faces he had long ago forgotten , and their names along with them .

He finally made it to the classroom and took a seat not at the end but at the middle of the rows . When the teacher started to speak , he fell soundly asleep . The man’s voice was like a sweet lullaby , and he really hated English class .

When he woke up the teacher was already gone and the classroom almost empty .

Jon looked through the windows and smiled at the stillness of the heavy clouds and the cold wind waiting for him .

No subjects were left for the day . It was still early , and he felt like going home , for no further classes awaited for him .

Jon gathered his stuff and went out into the corridors once again , ignoring the crowd around him , just wishing to get out of there as fast as he could . He didn’t feel like hanging around .

The indifference of the cloudy day laid out in front of him was beckoning .

// You’ve been so silent lately … //

Something lurked in the back of his mind .

{ … Cornered … }

Jon smiled .

The tops of the trees danced to the compass of the wind . Jon watched them for a while . Inhaling deeply , yearning for the freedom the shining leaves under amusement had .

Jon thought of the symphony that had been given to him hours ago , and toyed with it . He tried to encompass it to his senses and his heartbeat ; to the breathing of his own soul , while watching the trees flickering like fragile flames . He yearned to be the breeze stretching its limbs throughout the foliage , inviting it to waver at the symphony’s violins .

The beauty of it all was too much for his tormented senses ; it was beyond their comprehension ; beyond their tangible imagination .

That symphony .

// I’d never heard such partiture … //

{ … foolish … }

“Not foolish … childish , maybe …”

Jon bid the view farewell and kept on walking , for there was a darkness coming … and he knew better .

He felt tired and nauseous ; the sky smiled upon him , healing his wounds .

Jon lit a cigarette on the way , and for a moment he didn’t quite know where he was heading to .

He wondered what was wrong with his work . He went through all the steps he had taken over and over again .

He thought he’d probably offended the moon with his impious offering . Maybe that was why the stars had turned their back on him .

Jon gave up a loud sigh . He was swimming deep down in his thoughts , and didn’t dare to utter a word .

For a moment , fear froze him on the spot . The type of emotion he most despised , for it was unexplainable and corrosive .

// … Corrosive smiles … corrosive smiles never meant to be … //

{ Never been at all … }

He gave a deep draught to the cigarette he was still holding between his fingers , picturing that the smoke leaving his lungs was that of a wrecked engine .

By the time he pictured such a scene , he already felt too broken , battered and ravished .

{ … Ravished … }

The full force of what had happened days ago was placed without second thought upon his shoulders . The bruises on his thighs became painfully tangible ; painfully present . As if the mistreated flesh swallowed the gap of time passed between eventful nights and forthcoming twilights . Judgement was about to cut through his brain ; about to claim his sanity .

Jon gave up a loud sigh before sickness overtook him . Time made him feel motion sickness . He tried to ignore it . Ignore it as best as he could , but it was as if trying to forget one’s own flesh ; one’s own lacerated soul .

A silent moan of pain escaped Jon’s bowels ; pain inflicted upon him by unknown reasons and it spread through him . It was an invisible illness ; it was the kind of pain caused by the tortured mind . Suffering not meant to be physical , but emotional , and as soon as it had arrived it had to leave . He wouldn’t be broken so easily .

When the tremors passed , Jon’s hands were still shaking .

He kept on walking , smoking with abandon .

// You’re not even worth of my pity … // Jon teased with a smile .

{ “You brought this on yourself …” } the voice whispered , quoting Derek’s words , which Jon acknowledged .

“That’s so low … even for you …”

No further argument took place between Jon and himself , for he knew that sooner or later any argument had to be put aside .

So he smiled , for rain threatened to fall , wind was blowing cold on his face and it’s fingers toyed with his hair .

He let it be . For the day , he let it be , for even he was tired of it . He just enjoyed what he didn’t dare to call a truce , and took a deep breath . And for the first time in what seemed an eternity , Jon felt at ease .

And before he could realize , he was walking on his own front lawn , heading to the front door .

When he closed the door behind him , he felt as if leaving the whole world behind his back .

He threw his back pack on his way to the kitchen . He opened the fridge and grabbed a beer , then lit a cigarette and uncorked the cold drink .

He then went to the living room to turn on the stereo and put on a Children of Bodom melody .

Jon went back to the kitchen to retrieve his beer and gave a gulp while leaning on the counter .

He gave a deep draught to the cigarette and enjoyed watching the smoke while he exhaled , singing at the melody of “Black Widow” . He drank the beer and smoked quietly , singing , while leaning on the counter and feeling free of doubts ; feeling in one of those “creepy good moods of his” as Chris used to say .

He finished the beer and grabbed another one , then went to his back pack to get the heater , afterwards heading back to the kitchen .

Jon sat on the counter and gave a draught to the heater while holding the lighter at the other side of it , and kept the smoke in his lungs until he felt dizzy . He smiled at the situation and held his breath again , then releasing the smoke whispering “Towards Dead End” .

He felt silly and , for a moment , happy .

“ … no matter where I am , I’m aloooone …” Jon tried to reach Alexi Laiho’s growl recalling his days as vocal in Mark’s band .

“You scared the shit out of me …” came a velvety complain .

Jon turned his head violently , caught off-guard , to see Alex on the kitchen’s threshold .

“I thought you’d gone to school” Jon said exhaling smoke , then giving another draught to the heater and offered it to Alex .

“Grab a beer … take a seat” Jon told him with a strange grin on his face ; a grin that made Alex doubt for a second , but took the heater anyways , grabbed a beer and sat on the kitchen counter not far away from Jon .

Alex gave a deep draught and held his breath while opening the beer . Jon could tell that he was still groggy and sleepy .

“Wake the fuck up !” Jon yelled at Alex with a guttural growl , just like the one he had been rehearsing minutes ago .

Alex gave a little jump on his seat .

“Fuck off Jon !” Alex retorted , fully awake now . Jon laughed , and his laughter came like crystalline waves to his ears . Jon’s laughter was pure and honest . It was deep and soothing , and as brief as beautiful .

Alex stared at Jon .

“What ?” asked the dark haired one , feeling the puncturing wounds of those eyes .

“I had never heard you laugh …”

Jon gave up a deep sigh and drank from his beer .

“Well … I’m not the laughing type” then he gave another pull at the heater .

Alex still glanced at him sideways while drinking .

“But you made me laugh …” pushed on Jon , daringly .

He got no reply , so he went back to singing , The cd had changed , so now sang at the compilation of “As We Speak” by Soilwork .

Jon took out a rubber band from one of the many pockets of his pants and tied his hair into a ponytail , holding a cigarette between his lips .

Alex was staring at him , and Jon knew it .

The blue eyed went to get another beer and went back to sit on the counter , gave a last draught to the weed and lit a new cigarette .

Jon gave a few gulps of beer when he heard the front door open and then a pair of high heeled steps too well known to him .

“Great … just fucking great …” Jon cursed .

Alex was perplexed and didn’t know what to do , so he just sat quietly .

The steps approached , made a stop , the music went off , then the steps again , until they reached the kitchen .

A thin , well built girl in tight jeans and revealing blouse appeared on the threshold . She wore high-heeled boots and a purse to match them . She looked a lot like Jon , though she had straight hair , and her eyes were brown , but with features very much alike , though her cheekbones weren’t as high and well defined and her jaw was narrower . A sombre expression darkened her face .

Alex could now understand why Chris always said that Jon’s sister was hot , but she lacked Jon’s heavy presence and strong character . She was about six years older that him , probably twenty-five , Alex wondered .

“Well . look who we got here …” spoke up a feminine voice .

“Fuck off Denise” came Jon’s very sharp reply .

“What an awful way to greet your sister”

“What do you want ?”

“I just came by to pick up some of my stuff … I hope to find my things as I left them”

“Naaaah , I gave away your things to the salvation army …” Jon commented with a grin .

Denise just ignored him .

“And who do we have here ?” she asked while turning to look at Alex .

“Leave him alone Denise , I’m warning you …” Jon almost spat and drank from his beer .

“But you’re guest will think you’re rude …”

“My guest can think whatever the fuck he wants”

Denise took no offence and looked back at Alex .

“What’s your name handsome ?” she asked with a smile , flirtatiously and shooting a brief poisonous look at Jon .

“Alex …”